My boyfriend wants to become a priest. what should I do?

[bofus]

Christina.I thought of you first thing this morning and I wanted to read your post again. I feel concern for you being in a relationship that is (as you write it) not stable or positive for you. Obviously not for the BF either but you are the one writing and asking ‘what should I do’.
I want to ask you, what are you getting out of this relationship and why do you stay in it?* It appears obvious you are confused and doing too much thinking keeps you from acting. I’m thinking your "opinions’ about what BF should or shouldn’t do is keeping you focused on him and not yourself. I’ve heard it called “paralysis of analysis!”
You are the only person you have control over Christina, and not allowing others to have their own problems is the ultimate form of control.:yup:
I know that’s a lot to tell a basic stranger but I do care. I’m old enough to be your mother and have worked with codependent relationships for 25 years…I’m trying to pass on to you what is so important for you to learn.You are just 18 and have so much to learn about men and women but right now, I think you know that what you are doing is not the right thing, for either of you. As I said to you before, STOP the sexual behavior immediately. If you will take the excitement out of the relationship perhaps you can think more clearly.
Where are your parents, your parish priest? These are people who know you personally…and perhaps the BF too.* Go to confession and then be determined to change YOUR behavior. I implore you Christina, if you can’t control your behavior now at 18, you will continue to be in troubled relationships. Loving you…

 

[miam]

A blessed day sister cristina!! As you said,your boyfriend wants to become a priest; however sister, did it not come to your mind that what if you are the one being called by God and that you are existing with him to teach him? We are into the same situation since I and my boyfriend both have the desire to dedicate ourselves to God fully someday but the problem is that due to our mutual affection, we oftentimes think that such desire would put an end to our love story yet we do not have plans to ignore that gift of desire of joy and life with Jesus. As for you Sister, set the best model you have and inspire him thus he may know the essence of holiness he wants to attain someday. After it,if his mind is set to follow the foosteps of Christ then set him free but support continuously all the way.i’m sure Jesus would be very happy for him and especially for you! Be Jesus to him sister. -miam

 

[JPUSC]

Okay, I really am kinda mad but i’ll try to be as calm as possible.
So we are a young couple & we’ve been together for about 10 months now (including the month break) & as I was helping him choose his college classes, he says that he wants to go to a seminary.

I’m not saying that I want to marry him or anything (common, i’m only 18. I still have 10 years to go, ish)
But i just dont get why he’s with me
and he wants to talk about sex as much as he could, and how we should do it as soon as we make it official. (since we’re not “official” from our break), I lost it to him a month after we got together, but i don’t regret it because things happen for a reason.
I really dont get why he wants to have sex so bad. YES it feels good and everything, and i’m as tempted as much he is, but i really felt closer to God when i was without him, and i really dont want to loose that feeling again.
Besides the sexual temptations, it seems like he wants to be with me for a good amount of time, but why would he be with me if he wants to spend the rest of his life with God?

I really don’t think he should become one, NOT because he’s my boyfriend or lover or anything, but who he is… he’s just … so far away from “holiness” that i see from priests around the world. I really shouldnt say this, maybe God does want him to become one, but if He really did make a decision, why is he with me?? shouldnt he try to avoid the chances of being close to temptations?

Should I break up with him because i really dont think he’s going to realize what he’s doing to me? that I still like him more and more every day and if God wants him more than I do (short term wise) I should let him go?

I’m so confused. I honestly think he wants to become a priest because he’s not smart enough to become anything else, not that i’m saying becoming a priest is easy… i know they go through years and years of educations…

okay so long story short, I think if God really called my boyfriend to become a priest, he wouldn’t be acting how he’s acting right now and I dont know what to do. If it has to end because of that reason I want it to end right now because I want him to become a holier person and because we will like each other more and more.

I’m just … confused.

p.s. oh he just “decided” that shortly after hearing a priest’s homily @ our church to ask us to pray for more vocations for young people. so not even a month?..
I just want him to know that it’s so much more than what he THINKS but what he feels deep down in his heart.

Ah, somebody who constantly wants to talk about sex and is wanting to do it again soon doesn’t sound like a good candidate for the priesthood. He sounds hilarious. Since you’re not married, I assume you guys are using contraception too? Um yeah, he’d make a real good priest…

Even if he decides to go to the seminary, I think there has to be a certain number of years he has to remain chaste before he can be admitted…then no sex forever!! …unless he wants to end up on the front page of a newspaper for fathering a child as a priest.

 

[JPUSC]

This reminds me of a scene from Rudy:

I’m Father Cavanaugh. How Iong have you thought about this decision?

For as Iong as I can remember

Have you taken the proper steps, investigated the process?

Yes. I have more to Iearn, but–

Are you fuIIy aware of the sacrifices you’II have to make?

I am. I’II do whatever it takes.

What brought you here today?

• I just came from my best friend’s funeraI. He said that–*

Of course.

What do you mean, ‘‘Of course’’?

WeII, it’s very common for peopIe suffering a crisis to seek escape into the cIoth. We recommend a grieving–

Escape into the cIoth?

That’s just an expression that we use for those who are running away from emotionaI or psychoIogicaI pain by choosing priesthood.

• You think I want to become a priest?*

Don’t you?

Nothing against being a priest, but I don’t think it’s for me.

Why are you here?

I want to go to schooI at Notre Dame.

Bold = Fr. Cavanaugh
Italics = Rudy

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[moongazer]

this is not really a reply, but i kind of have the same but extremely worse situation

my boyfriend for 5 years now, has been in the seminary since high school, after high school he studied philosophy in the seminary again. He was on his 3rd year of college when we met and got together, i was 4th year high school. Everything was going smoothly, we were the perfect couple, we complimented each other, and made each other feel loved and safe. We just passed our one year mark when it was time for me to move to another city for college. So we got in on a long distance relationship… it was fine, we handled it wonderfully, it was only 1 more year before he moved to the same city to study Law for his post graduate degree… but along the way… i realized that i was so very young, that i had so much to see, feel, taste… and i thought “Omg, there are so many guys out there, will simon (my boyfriend) really be my last?” i was young, naive, scared that i found my match at 16… so i left him… i partied… flirted… studied… and just lived life… but every time i wasn’t pre-occupied, my thought would always wonder to him… 6 months have passed, and i decided to go check up on him… and i felt our strong connection building up again, but he told me that he decided to continue his priesthood, taking up theology instead of Law… that meant we will never be together anymore… and i didnt want to be the one to stop him from his dream… so i dated… dated and dated and dated… to keep myself from running over to him and ruining his dream and hard work.

A few months passed and i got a text saying he’s moved in to the seminary near where i lived… i went and visited… we talked and decided to be friends…

one day i was out with his best friend, he asked me “im starting to get pissed with you” i was shocked and didnt know what he was talking about… then he told me, he was pissed because i was acting like i didnt know why simon refused a scholar ship to rome for priesthood… i started crying… i didnt know… i had no idea that it was because of me… I talked to him… asked him why he did it… he said he never stopped loving me… so we got back together… after 6 months, i got caught up in my life again… we broke up… he was hurt… after the break up, i tried hard to be friends with him… im 4th year college now… im graduating this april 12th… he’s on his 2nd year of theology… 2-3 more years away from becoming a priest… from the break up to last October 2010… we stayed friends, but seldom see each other because we know that if we stayed together to much… we wouldn’t be able to continue… through out that time span… it hit me… that i couldnt fool myself anymore… that i loved him… that i wanted him… and he the same with me… i realized that all those time i told myself i will support him to be a priest was total ****… i was just protecting myself from the pain… but now, i choose to be true to myself… i dont care about the pain…

October 2010, we started acting like we were back together… we talked about it and decided not to be “officially” together due to the circumstances of him on the verge of priesthood… November was the first time we’ve slept together too, we had sex… and it made us feel closer… i feel and know that he loves me… but he cant let go of his priesthood, all his hard work in fulfilling his vocation… he cant give it up… and i told him i understand… i understand but it doesnt mean it doesn’t hurt…

Because i hurt him in the past, he told me that he cannot invest anymore, that he’s scared of the future, that he’s scared of the hurt i will feel the day he… “IF” he chooses priesthood… he told me he’s holding back, because he knows that he’ll hurt me, he keeps thinking of the seminary… that right now… 75% of him wants to be a priest…

we decided to just go with the flow… just keep things simple… and wait till the day he needs to decided… but these past few weeks… it keeps getting harder and harder living with the thought of him leaving me, and the fact that he’s holding back… because i want to go all out, because i dont want any regrets if he did choose priesthood… but he told me that he can never do that, because no matter what we do, him being a seminarian will always come first… but on the same hand, he cant let me go… my friends told me to let him choose… but i cant do that, because if i do that there’s a chance that i’ll loose him… and whenever i think of that, i cant seem to breath… because i’ve decided that he will be the one i spend the rest of my life with… if its not him… i dont want anyone else…

we both know that we were meant for each other… but he’s also meant to be a priest, in the end it will be God’s will… whether he will be a priest or a husband and father to our future children…

next year will be his last year in the seminary, we’ve also decided that he’ll leave the seminary for one year… to try the outside life with me in there… before he decide’s…

my question is… should i go on with this? the constant hurt, the disappointments… the fact that i will never be the only one… that the seminary will always and forever----well at least for the next year----come first? or should i just stop this?

 

[d_erford]

I was very pained to hear what you are going through. I myself had to break up with a woman I loved to enter seminary. The separation was hard, but we had to do it in order for me to do a true discernment. After 2 years, I discerned out of seminary and am now married to that wonderful woman BUT, this only has a happy ending because I did a total discernment, breaking almost all contact off with her. If I had kept in constant contact and we got back together, I am sure that I would still have doubts about my motives for leaving the seminary.

As for your situation, first the bitter herbs:

1. This guy is NOT called to be a priest, at least not as things are now. He has ignored Church teaching about pre-marital sex, continues to hurt you instead of stepping up as a man and allowing you to move on with your life, and has not truly discerned his vocation by constantly dividing his interests between the seminary and you.
2. Love is not just about feelings, it is about the willingness to sacrifice for the sake of the other. If you really love him, and believe God may be calling him to the priesthood, you will not get in the way of him fulfilling his vocation. If he really loves you, he will be willing to cut off all contact to discern completely. If you two are meant to be together, this will happen, but neither of you will be completely happy and satisfied with the relationship unless a true discernment has taken place.
3. While dating, my wife and I were tempted to have pre-marital relations. It was by God’s grace and our love for one another that we resisted, knowing that getting control of our desires for the sake of the other’s purity was a great sign of love. If you and this guy get back together, you will be tested in this area again. DO NOT GIVE IN! If he truly loves you, he will be willing to wait. Any attempts on his part (or yours) to use guilt, anger, pity, etc to have sex when the other wishes to wait are a sign that what is truly present is lust with perhaps a little bit of love, but not true love.

Now the sugar:

God LOVES you, and wants you to be happy! If you are meant to be married, then God has someone in store for you in which you will be happy. It may or may not be this guy, but if you trust in God and allow Him to lead you, you will find that someone who will love and respect you in all ways. Do not settle for someone who’s loyalties you have to question. You deserve better, because you are a precious daughter of God

Dennis

 

[beegirl]

my response is not as in depth and probably not as helpful as others…but i speak from personal experience.

Been there, done that.

And its no fun. My senior year of HS I started dating my friend since preschool. We dated for a year and into college when he told me he thought he wanted to be a priest. I tried to stay with him but all that uncertitny just cause stress…so we broke up. Months later he wanted me back. I loved him…seriously I would marry the guy. But I told him that for his sake and mine he needed to be sure he didn’t want to (more importantly, God didn’t want him to) be a priest. He said he was almost sure but not quite. I told him I was praying for him, and I was, but I needed him to know for sure before we got back together. It took him a long time…but eventually he decided not to be priest. Nowe we’ve been together 2 years. Honestly, that fact that he was discrening has made him a better person. I think its really important that you’re boyfriend knows FOR SURE what he wants before he commits to being a boyfriend or a seminarian. But usually if someone is truly in love with another person, they are not being called to the piesthood…as true love between a man and woman is a gift from God.

Hope things work out somehow

 

[beckers]

1. This guy is NOT called to be a priest, at least not as things are now. He has ignored Church teaching about pre-marital sex, continues to hurt you instead of stepping up as a man and allowing you to move on with your life, and has not truly discerned his vocation by constantly dividing his interests between the seminary and you.

I agree.

Your BF needs to talk to his spiritual advisor and not wait until he is ready to talk to the Bishop to decide if he will be ordained. Why waste the next year in the seminary if he is un sure? He needs to take a break and figure it out. It is not health for him or you to be in this unknown zone.

he shouldn’t be afraid to take a break or leave the seminary completely. The whole point of the seminary is to help the man figure out if being called to the priesthood. Its not something you start and just go through and then figure out things later. Being ordained is not something you can take back. i have known men who have left the seminary right before ordiantion or me who have left about the time your BF is thinking about leaving. Its not a failure to leave!

And for peter sake NO SEX. It is the worst thing you can do for your relationship now and in the future.

 

[Geremia]

If that’s his calling, let him pursue it. Both he and you will be happier.

 

[ejensen]

Should I break up with him because i really dont think he’s going to realize what he’s doing to me? that I still like him more and more every day and if God wants him more than I do (short term wise) I should let him go?

Your post brought back everything I went through with my husband, when we were first dating. We had been dating 5 months when he felt that he was being called to the priesthood. It was so hard on me. First, I was confused. I didn’t understand why this lifestyle was appealing to him. We had the perfect relationship- we were (are) completely in love.

I had so many questions. I bought religious books, read articles, attended daily mass with him. I decided to meet with a priest at my church to sort out all my feelings/fears.

I tried being supportive and just being there for him. We never separated- he just continued meeting with a priest and sorting his feelings out.

I think he finally saw that even through all of this, I was 100% supportive, even if it was so so painful for me. I was so scared of losing him, even after 5 months, I knew he was the one- and I knew that because I truly loved him, whatever he decided, I had to support.

Anyways- through all of this- I was educating myself on the faith, growing closer with God, and developing my own personal relationship with Him. I had always been Catholic, but had never taken so much time to commit myself to developing my own relationship with God. This helped me get through the confusion & hurt.

Every story turns out differently, but in our case, my husband realized that his life was meant to be with me, and we both agreed that God was actually taking us on a journey that helped us grow closer to Him, and closer together. My husband knows that I will be here to support him through anything, no matter how difficult (and trust me, there will always be something that comes up!), and I know that with God in the center of our relationship, we can get through anything.

While meeting with a priest, he told me that it was okay to pray selfishly- that it was okay to pray for what I wanted, and that I didn’t have to be as supportive in my prayers. I could pray for my husband (bf at the time) to realize that he wasn’t being called to the priesthood. This advice made it easier.

Just make sure to continue to try and grow closer to God, and know that he will take care of you and your boyfriend. And if he is truly being called to be a priest, you will want to be a positive, supportive influence in his life- you don’t want to be the person who takes him away from his calling if he is meant to do that.

One question though- You said in your post that you felt that your boyfriend isn’t smart enough to do anything else? How is this loving? Is this really how you feel? I understand having anger toward him and the church (I had plenty of anger towards the “recruiting announcements” in the sermon- as I called them)- but is this attitude toward your boyfriend going to help your relationship in any way?

 

[Vero123]

Hello,
It is for the first time when I’m writing on a forum of this type. Yes, I must admit that I haven’t had enough courage to do it for more than three years. I am in a difficult situation. I’ve been in a relationship for more than six years. My partner is catholic. I am Christian Orthodox – Eastern European Christian like Serbians , Greeks, Russians and so on…
I’v e met my partner in a country where both of us decided to live and work (a country which is different than our origins).When I’d met him , he was married ( civil – at the town hall) with a catholic person who did not live in the country where we settled. Their civil ceremony was a secretive one …so no one knew about it …it was a kind of agreement and it was officialised in Cyprus ( ‘a kind of Las Vegas – get married in 5 minutes’).
I would like to say from the beginning that I am a faithful person. I did not want to cause problems to anyone. I refused categorically to be involved in a relationship with him because I knew that he was married.I asked for the divorce. He said that he married that person only for sorting out his papers, the right of having an EU residency . I remember that he even called that person in front of me to tell her about the divorce , highlighting the fact that there is only a friendship relation between him and her so that that person kindly tried to help him by doing a charitable act .He said that she only wanted to facilitate his right to work in Europe – as a friend.
I did believe his story so that I started to date him. After a year I found out that it was ‘more than a charitable act’…it was a proper relationship…so he lied …Well, I am not in the position to judge anyone but from that moment something was broken.I’ve been focused on my work , on my studies.I’ve tried to ignore my affective side …to deny it….We still live in the same house, yes…in the same room, the same bed…There is nothing between us…It just’ friendship’…We haven’t acted like a couple for more than three years. He helps me in the house, he contributes with money for the house expenses, he is a good listener…but not more than this. When I said this story to some people, they didn’t believe me that we don’t have private life… so far we’ve managed to survive…and it’s very painful…
However, he got the divorce only last year…That person did not help him with the visa , with anything…although she promised to him that she would do it…I facilitated his settlement in this country so that he’s got the right to live and work in Europe. He became my civil partner - for this I had to prove that I’ve been in a durable relationship for more than 2 years…with statements…contracts etc…
The problem is that at the beginning of this year we had a serious conversation about the future of our relationship. I want to have my family , to be married in the church and in front of the society, to have my kids , to find a balance in my life. Also, I must say that during all these 6 years I’ve never cheated on him. I was dedicated to my work , studies and house.I asked about the possible existence of ‘a third person’ but he denied this…….His answer was…:’Vero, I am thinking seriously to become priest (a catholic)….Why don’t you understand???’
It is true that he’s got strong ties with his faith . Also, his mom works in a catholic church (hr). All his family is catholic. They are very faithful (like my family).However, my partner doesn’t go often to church for the mass. Despite of this, I notice that when we went together to the catholic church, he really enjoyed it.
During these years of being together, he has gone to different pilgrimages , visiting catholic monasteries. He went even to South America – to Peru. He’s got religious books. Sometimes his mom sends him books , brochures . I like to read them as well. Sometime he likes to fast for Easter, Christmas… well, I come from a family who like to fast …so I am somehow close to this subject…
However, I think there is a thing to be faithful and a different one to be a catholic priest (somehow ‘the equivalent’ to a monk in the Christian- Orthodox world ).You will dedicate all your life to Jesus (God).
If he wants to become a priest I don’t oppose him although it hurts me a lot .I don’t fight against this admirable will….But, if he says it just to ‘make me soft’…in order to take advantage of me? What criterion should I use in order to find out if he says or not the Truth ?
First of all, he doesn’t have theological studies .He’s got only the high school completed although he is 37…!!!
The catholic priest should have not been married previously ….=> He was married – civil ( not in the church) .Will that civil ceremony be taken into account?(As I said – it was not officialised in the church!) …He’s got a divorce decree. That decree is based on adultery…His so ‘called civil wife’ didn’t accept any other forms of separation …and this was the only method to make her to sign. I think these are very bad thing …even if the initial situation was that ‘the wife’ wanted to lend a helping hand to sort out the immigration documentation for him….
Where is that so called chastity …There is no chastity…in the past. Can the past be deleted for someone who wants to become a catholic priest?
I am very confused …and to be honest …I don’t know how to deal with him. If he wants to be priest I would like to help him but I don’t know how. I do care about him.As an orthodox (eastern Christian)I know that you can’t become priest if you are unmarried …it is exactly the opposite situation…
I would really , really appreciate if you could help me with a piece of advice.
Many thanks ,
Vero123