My Brother is marrying outside the Church

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CARose

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Here’s the dilemma.

I’m the oldest of 6 siblings. Our mother has passed away, our father isn’t a practicing Catholic. At one time or another each of us left the Church. I’m the only one who has returned. One brother did marry in the Church and his 3 children are being raised in it (although my sister-in-law is pro-choice, so how “in the church” is for another discussion).

My second youngest brother is getting married on the 4th of July at a destination wedding in Belize. They will not be married by a priest. Last Spring, I was the only one to give him grief about the fact that he and his Catholic girlfriend at the time were living together without being married. (He was waiting to see her dad to ask permission when I was hassling him about not even being engaged.)

I really want to attend the wedding. I love him, she appears to be a great young woman, and I trust his ability to choose friends, so I feel good about having her in our family. I love to travel, I love large family get-togethers, especially when we’ll have family from my dad’s family getting together.

But I have this really strong conviction that I should NOT attend. I know that if they are not married in the Church, they will not have a valid marriage. They will be depriving themselves of the Grace provided through the sacrament of marriage. Marriage is difficult enough without skipping the most important component, God’s Blessing on this sacred union.

When my brother called a couple of months ago to tell me that they are engaged, the first question I asked was if they would have a priest officiate. When he told me no, I explained how important it is. As the conversation continued, I was praying silently, trying to determine how to address the concerns that welled up inside me. I didn’t want to create a rift between us, but I needed to let him know that I really might not be able to attend, and not give him a bogus reason. He’s not upset by my position, but he also doesn’t appear to be reevaluating who will perform the ceremony (although he did say he’d contact our mother’s cousin, a priest, to see if he could attend and officiate). I’ve talked to Father Barry and he won’t be able to attend. I’ve encouraged him to at least take the time to discuss the seriousness of what they’re considering doing.

My brother is an ER Dr, so he’s offered to assist any immediate family members who can’t afford to travel. If I don’t go, everyone will know why, and since no-one else is practicing the faith, my reasoning is not well understood (worst of all, I’m having difficulty explaining to myself why I shouldn’t go, even though I know why I don’t support that they’re depriving themselves of the marriage blessing they deserve).

I will continue to pray that they find a priest to officiate and that they participate in a pre-cana program before getting married. In the meantime, how can I explain my unwillingness to attend to other family members. This will be a subject of conversation for years to come if I don’t attend. I want whatever comes out of it to be a witness to Christ’s Love and not an opportunity to disparage His Bride, the Church.

Any assistance would be appreciated. I don’t want to get this wrong. Living my convictions, with Charity at the forefront is extremely important to me.

CARose
 
I can totally relate. I have been in very similar situations as you. I am one of six adults, raised as Catholics. (Gee, your story is so similar to mine–6 sibs, mother died, father not practicing. But no ER doctors in my family!) Most claim to be Catholic but are strongly pro-abortion, pro-fetal stem cell research… In a similar situation, I went to a sister’s wedding to a divorced (but not annulled) Catholic guy but would not participate as a bridesmaid. Also, went to my widowed father’s marriage ceremony by a Justice of the Peace to non-Catholic woman. In both cases, I made my disapproval clear to everyone in my immediate family. My parish priest at the time of my father’s wedding advised me that I should attend the ceremony rather than alienate my family. I sense you feel very much like did when I faced my family situations. I agonized (and still agonize) my family’s falling away. (Yet there they go right up to the Communion rail the once or twice a year they go to Mass!) I do what I can and pray they will have a change of heart and return to the faith that once nourished them. God bless you.
 
I’ll pray for your family. Will you please also pray for mine.

Thanks and God Bless,

CARose
 
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CARose:
I’ll pray for your family. Will you please also pray for mine.

Thanks and God Bless,

CARose
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Absolutely. :gopray2:
 
There are those who will say don’t go. You are only encouraging wrong behavior. However, your faith is developed (or at least developing). It isn’t fair to your family members who don’t understand the teachings. Even if they were cradle Catholics it doesn’t necessarily mean they were properly taught. The best thing you can do is tell them you wish they would be married in the Church as God intended and will pray for them. In the meantime, attend the wedding and wish them well. Remember how you were before you returned to the Church. Any suggestion that you were doing wrong might have backfired. Pray for their conversion and don’t stop until each one is back home.
 
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DeniseR:
There are those who will say don’t go. You are only encouraging wrong behavior. However, your faith is developed (or at least developing). It isn’t fair to your family members who don’t understand the teachings. Even if they were cradle Catholics it doesn’t necessarily mean they were properly taught. The best thing you can do is tell them you wish they would be married in the Church as God intended and will pray for them. In the meantime, attend the wedding and wish them well. Remember how you were before you returned to the Church. Any suggestion that you were doing wrong might have backfired. Pray for their conversion and don’t stop until each one is back home.
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I am one who says don’t go. It’s not just “wrong behavior.” That is much too mild. If they are Catholic, they will, quite simply, not be married, so you would be going there to lend your support and congratulations to a lifetime of fornication!

It would be different if they had both formally left the Catholic Church. But, from what I have read of the original post, they are simply non-practicing, or sometimeish Catholics - when it suits them. So, they are Catholics, albeit bad ones, and that means that they are bound by Canon Law.

There are times in our lives that we just must stand up and be counted, and this just may be one of them. So what, other members of your family won’t (want to) understand? Examine your conscience deeply, and do what you know to be right.
 
I have to strongly disagree with those who voted to stay home. My experience is different from that described in the OT, but relevant. My brother (and only sib) was married outside the church–despite coming from a Catholic family + K-12 Catholic school education–to a girl who also came from a very strong Catholic family (they met while attending Catholic school together!) In addition to marrying outside the church, they were expecting before the ceremony.

At the time, I was so annoyed with what I viewed as their ridiculous behavior–flaunting respectability, their faith and frankly, embarassing the family–I wanted to skip the wedding entirely. Thankfully, my dear mother-in-law prevailed upon me to attend.

My parents were also devastated, as I’m sure were hers, with their poor moral decision making. However, because of the child involved, both sides committed themselves to supporting the marriage. Almost 15 years years and two kids later they are sincere, practising Christians, though still not Catholic. I can’t imagine a more contented marriage or well-loved children. Throughout their married life they have continued to make choices and gone down paths the rest of the family did not endorse/understand (not immoral, just unconventional) and lived with the consequences–some fine, others more disruptive.

The point is–had any of us avoided the wedding I have no doubt it would have made their early family life significantly more challenging and alienated them from the family. Looking at their path in life, they are both the “different drummers” in their respective families. It is no surprise that with their temperaments they have sought out their own path in terms of religious practice. I don’t know if they will ever become Catholic. Regardless, they and their children are much loved members of our family. Choosing a different path to God doesn’t make them evil, much less threaten how I practice my faith. In fact, in some ways, I have grown to respect them for openly admitting their disagreements with the Catholic Church instead of playing at being a Catholic or partaking as “cafeteria Catholics.”

Perhaps someday they will learn, understand and accept the discipline of being Catholic. Perhaps they won’t. In the meantime I feel called to love them as they are openly and fully–I couldn’t love them more if they labeled themselves differently. I pray for them and **trust **that God knows their hearts, their temperments and that in His time He will reveal Himself to them in the manner that will draw them in. To do otherwise suggests an arrogance that even God himself doesn’t show–that we can punish others into belief.
 
“He who loses mother, father, sister, or brother for my sake…verily, I say they will not lose their reward in Heaven.”

It’s very hard to live as a faithful Catholic. I can’t relate to your situation because I am the lone convert in a sea of Protestant or unchurched family members on both sides. However if someone had been raised as a Catholic and then denounced the faith, as often happens today I am seeing, I would do whatever was in my power to INFORM him of what he’s about to do!

Perhaps you communicate better through letters or email, or by calling, or by looking at him face-to-face. Try these methods of informing him about the Sacrament of Matrimony, and that it’s not just an exotic trip to an island and saying “I do.”

You could just try being honest and saying, “I love you very much, my brother, and I would be so happy to attend your wedding. However, God commands I love Him first and foremost, and for me, a Catholic, to attend a wedding in which you, a Catholic, do not abide by God’s rules of marriage, would be sinful for me.”
 
Hi there,
Please go to the wedding…because if you don’t go you will be the only one to understand why your not going while everyone else will not only not understand you…but it may just push them further away from the catholic church. We don’t know how God sees this marraige…nor what blessings he will bestow. We are ALL God’s children and if the call upon him at their wedding HE may just be there bestowing all kinds of blessings upon them. Or job as Catholics is to pray for those we love and to EMBRACE people of other faiths NOT to exclude them.
 
I say don’t go if you want to get off on the wrong foot with them. They probably won’t invite you to occasions such as Thanksgiving dinner, and probablly won’t want you involved with their future children’s activities.
So if you want the above to happen stick to your guns!
 
I asked Fr. Serpa about this at one time. His response was that I shouldn’t attend, not even the reception. It would be one thing, apparently, if they had formally renounced their faith but fallen away or practicing poorly is another story.
 
Dear friend

Your brother is a lapsed non-practicing Catholic, he has no connection presently with the Church. You dear friend could be the link he needs back to his Catholic faith. You can make your feelings plain to your brother and tell him you do not approve of this wedding (not his choice of wife), it is not actually a wedding unless it is blessed by God and the couple take the vows before God, but that because you love him you will attend out of love for him, though your presence at his ceremony is purely out of love of him and not of approval of his decision.

This way your brother always knows he has your love even though he sins, even though what he does is not right, this does not by any means mean you approve, condone or are even happy about his decisions and you should make it plain to him why you disapprove. Your brother although he was born and raised Catholic, may not have the knowledge to know in his heart what he is rejecting by marrying in a ceremnoy that is not a Sacrament of the Church. At the greater end of all of this is that your brother has rejected the Catholic faith long before he decided to marry and this might well be worth discussing with him without getting angry, why he left the church and why he no longer attends Mass etc.

I think as your brother has rejected the church teachings by lapsing and non-attendance, that you with providing him reasons why you do not approve, should attend his marriage ceremony, to keep the bridges to his retrun to faith open and to keep harmony and peace within your family. Your brother was not upset at you for saying you did not approve, so I would call him and re-iterate the truth of God to him and say because you love him you will go, but you are far from happy with his decisions.

This situation actually provides a good place for you to witness to your brother and if done in love and kindness, with wisdom and the peace of Christ could lead your brother and perhaps his wife-to-be home to the Catholic church.

I will keep you and all of your family in my prayers, say a little prayer for me sometime when you remember

God Bless you and much love and peace to you and all those you love

Teresa
 
You ARE his bridge back to the Catholic Church. If you don’t attend the ceremony, you blow up the bridge. Go, have a good time, your brother knows where you stand. He’ll be back in the Church in no time.

John
 
John Higgins:
You ARE his bridge back to the Catholic Church. If you don’t attend the ceremony, you blow up the bridge. Go, have a good time, your brother knows where you stand. He’ll be back in the Church in no time.

John
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I think I agree with this position. I know that once they have children they will have some second thoughts about how to raise them and then you can be the bridge back to the church. I am surprised that priests suggest not attending a wedding of a family member. I wouldn’t feel right about not attending. Pray, of course, pray, and like John says you could be the bridge back home.
 
Joan M:
I am one who says don’t go. It’s not just “wrong behavior.” That is much too mild. If they are Catholic, they will, quite simply, not be married, so you would be going there to lend your support and congratulations to a lifetime of fornication!

It would be different if they had both formally left the Catholic Church. But, from what I have read of the original post, they are simply non-practicing, or sometimeish Catholics - when it suits them. So, they are Catholics, albeit bad ones, and that means that they are bound by Canon Law.

There are times in our lives that we just must stand up and be counted, and this just may be one of them. So what, other members of your family won’t (want to) understand? Examine your conscience deeply, and do what you know to be right.
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I completly disagree. You should go to the wedding. You not going will not only cause a lot of anger and heart ache for a long time to come, but you will also push them both farther away from the church.
 
I sincerely hope you attend.

Although the wedding is not what YOU would have planned for him and her if you were in charge, it IS their special day. As family, we are called to support our loved ones in the most Christian way we can.

I had a similar situation last year where my non-practicing Catholic brother got married in a Presbyterian church. He asked me to be his best man, and out of sheer selfish pride I refused. Although I did attend the wedding, things still aren’t the same between us.

I hope, and pray, that you don’t make a similar mistake as it’s something I still wish that I could have the opportunity to do over.

God Bless you regardless of the choice that you make.
 
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IM3RD:
I sincerely hope you attend.

Although the wedding is not what YOU would have planned for him and her if you were in charge, it IS their special day. As family, we are called to support our loved ones in the most Christian way we can.

I had a similar situation last year where my non-practicing Catholic brother got married in a Presbyterian church. He asked me to be his best man, and out of sheer selfish pride I refused. Although I did attend the wedding, things still aren’t the same between us.

I hope, and pray, that you don’t make a similar mistake as it’s something I still wish that I could have the opportunity to do over.

God Bless you regardless of the choice that you make.
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It is unfortunate that you regret your decision. Actually, I believe it was the right decision for several reasons. Your brother is Catholic and you were asked to be the best man. I believe that as a Catholic you can not do that UNLESS the marriage was convalidated with a Catholic priest and a “valid” Catholic marriage. I recall several Q & As on the Ask an Apologist thread. If my recollections are correct, you should be careful in giving advice that is contrary to our responsibilities as Catholics. ]

Besides, the CCC does not call us to “support our loved ones in the most Christian way we can” when it conflicts with our Catholic faith. But can’t you reconcile with your brother?
 
Thanks for the feedback guys, especially Mass4Life. You answered my request most directly.

For those of you strongly suggesting I attend the wedding, I’m still not buying it. I felt the strongest conviction that I should not attend immediately upon hearing that they would not be married in the Church. I know how important the Sacrament of Matrimony is and the importance of including God in the Sacred Union of a Man and Woman.

I do NOT desire to make a judgemental statement on any sins they have committed or will be commiting (as in the case with a pregnant couple). Rather, I desire that which is Best for them and by acknowledging their wedding as valid, I help them to perpetuate the lie, which they are entering into according to the norm of their peers. They have accepted that they desire to be married and they are willing to stand in front of their community to state their commitment to one-another. This is Good, actually, I think this is excellent.

However, for a marriage to have the best chance of lasting, they need to invite the most important of all guests, God. I want him to have a true marriage. Doesn’t his wonderful bride deserve this? Doesn’t he? She’s a beautiful young woman, who desires to live within the teachings of the Church, as she understands them.

I’m not worried that I would no longer be invited to attend Thanksgivings, etc. I just returned from driving 10 hrs to join family for the holidays and this brother and I were unable to spend as much time together as I would have liked (he was busy working, so I only saw him for a few hours while he was hosting my fathers Bday party). When I got home, I found a message on my machine from him saying he’d hoped we would have had more time together and he hadn’t realized I was leaving as soon as I did. He even reached out to meet at his mountain cabin (a 3 hr drive from here). So, I think that at this point, I’ll continue to pray, stay in touch with him, and hope he considers finding a local priest to officiate.

If anyone here has connections in Belize, I’d love to know how to contact a local parish and determine what their policies are on officiating at weddings for visiting Catholics. That might be an excellent service I could provide.

I feel that if I can thread the needle of not offending, making my position known through love and holding firm to what I know to be True, the best witness to Christ and His Church will come forth.

Thank you for your prayers, and know that I will also pray for you in all your various family situations.

God Bless,

CARose
 
Here’s a link to a page from the Holy Redeemer Cathedral in Belize City. Take note that the 501- part of the phone number is the Belize country code (therwise you’d get Little Rock!). Try this:

Belize

Good luck!

John
 
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