My brother left the Church because of me

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theCardinalbird

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Today I had a horrible discussion with my brother and mother regarding what I plan to do in the future in terms of dealing with my sexuality (I struggle with SSA). I decided that I would stay chaste and not pursue any relationship with a man that would be bound to have sex in it. He got angry, said the Church brainwashed me. Told me I was one of the reason he left the Church. I feel so hurt and angry. He’s my twin. What do I do? I refuse to give into my attraction towards men. He thinks I’m not believing in my heart. I love him, but he’s hurting me. He says the Church is not letting me love.

Is there anyway I can get him to see my way and help him accept that I can’t go against God?
 
I’m sorry you are going through this. You need support.
There is a wonderful video called “The Desire of the Everlasting Hills”.
Watch it yourself, and when he is less upset, ask him to also watch it.
It’s very enlightening about the struggle.
You can find it on both Vimeo & Youtube.
God bless you.
 
I understand, but his issue seems to be me. He has such a warped understanding of what love truly is (thanks to secular society) and he thinks I have to be with a man in order to be happy. It’s killing our friendship…
 
Ask him: Do you want me to be happy?
My happiness is not based on casual sex.
Or sex at all. Happiness comes from within, we cannot rely on others to make us happy.
 
pianistclare said:
Ask him: Do you want me to be happy?

My happiness is not based on casual sex.

Or sex at all. Happiness comes from within, we cannot rely on others to make us happy.
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I’m sure i made that clear to him. But he thinks I have no free will and that whatever the Church says I must follow like a robot.
 
Your brother didn’t leave the church because of you.

Your brother left for his own reasons, and he simply uses you and others as an excuse to rationalize his decision.

You are being a good witness to faithfulness. I suggest you not discuss this with your brother just now. He seems to be emotional an unable to accept that you could be happy with your decision or that you made it because you truly believe what the Church teaches. You can’t change what he wants to believe. So don’t try. I suggest you set boundaries and say that because you love him, it is best if this is a topic the two of you don’t discuss. He needs to respect your decisions. And you need to respect his.
 
Joe1 said:
le discussion with my brother and mother regarding what I plan to do in the future in terms of dealing with my sexuality (I struggle with SSA). I decided that I would stay chaste and not pursue any relationship with a man that would be bound to have sex in it. He got angry, said the Church brainwashed me. Told me I was one of the reason he left the Church. I feel so hurt and angry. He’s my twin. What do I do? I refuse to give into my attraction towards men. He thinks I’m not believing in my heart. I love him, but he’s hurting me. He says the Church is not letting me love.

Is there anyway I can get him to see my way and help him accept that I can’t go against God?
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Joe, you are not going to win this one with your brother.

You need to be the bigger man and let it go.

Brothers are funny creatures.

I want to tell you something…I’m adopted. There was a really cruel, really inappropriate really evil diocesan official. This person did something really, really terrible to our family for which they were fired.

My parents and I found strength in our faith. My brothers were so injured they turned away from Catholicism…probably for good. Part of what occurred happened because of my adoption. I know one of my brothers, the youngest, blames me a bit for it. He also blames me for adhering to the faith that “destroyed” our family.

My middle brother is an atheist. Nothing and no one can convince him of God. He is so broken I’m not sure there’s any coming back.

My eldest brother still passionately loves God. He still wants to be in union with God…but he fears for his family. He fears the hierarchy will cause him harm like it did his parents. He attends a Christian church because that’s the only way he feels safe. He loves Scott Hahn. He wishes he could be a part…but he is terrified…understandably so. Out of all my brothers, he’s the kindest when it comes to my attending Mass. Still, I think he fears for me and he makes it known that when a bad thing happens he’s there and will help me find another church.

Sometimes, the damage done to others is so deep there’s nothing we can do to fix it.

Your brother sounds like he’s reflecting that. Something in him is causing him to lash out at you. It’s not your fault and it’s not your “business”. Simply humor him, “Ok Frank, I get your point.” and move on. Living a joyous life will mean more than any argument you propse.
 
Xanthippe_Voorhees said:
Joe, you are not going to win this one with your brother.

You need to be the bigger man and let it go.

Brothers are funny creatures.

I want to tell you something…I’m adopted. There was a really cruel, really inappropriate really evil diocesan official. This person did something really, really terrible to our family for which they were fired.

My parents and I found strength in our faith. My brothers were so injured they turned away from Catholicism…probably for good. Part of what occurred happened because of my adoption. I know one of my brothers, the youngest, blames me a bit for it. He also blames me for adhering to the faith that “destroyed” our family.

My middle brother is an atheist. Nothing and no one can convince him of God. He is so broken I’m not sure there’s any coming back.

My eldest brother still passionately loves God. He still wants to be in union with God…but he fears for his family. He fears the hierarchy will cause him harm like it did his parents. He attends a Christian church because that’s the only way he feels safe. He loves Scott Hahn. He wishes he could be a part…but he is terrified…understandably so. Out of all my brothers, he’s the kindest when it comes to my attending Mass. Still, I think he fears for me and he makes it known that when a bad thing happens he’s there and will help me find another church.

Sometimes, the damage done to others is so deep there’s nothing we can do to fix it.

Your brother sounds like he’s reflecting that. Something in him is causing him to lash out at you. It’s not your fault and it’s not your “business”. Simply humor him, “Ok Frank, I get your point.” and move on. Living a joyous life will mean more than any argument you propse.
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I’m sorry this happened to you. I admire your courage a lot. Thank you so much for this advice. I just wish it were different. I just want to be in his life but I don’t want to keep on having conversations with him regarding my faith and why I choose to not seek out a man
 
Joe1 said:
I’m sorry this happened to you. I admire your courage a lot. Thank you so much for this advice. I just wish it were different. I just want to be in his life but I don’t want to keep on having conversations with him regarding my faith and why I choose to not seek out a man
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Thanks, and it’s totally understandable that you don’t want the conversation. I’d suggest looking on the web for the site that gives Catholic therepists. Even if you have to drive 2 hours seeing one might give you the words to set up healthy boundaries and stop the argument that your brother is trying to get you into.
 
Xanthippe_Voorhees said:
Thanks, and it’s totally understandable that you don’t want the conversation. I’d suggest looking on the web for the site that gives Catholic therepists. Even if you have to drive 2 hours seeing one might give you the words to set up healthy boundaries and stop the argument that your brother is trying to get you into.
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I had asked my pastor to find a counselor to help me deal with my attraction so I guess I could ask him to help me deal with this.
 
Joe1 said:
I had asked my pastor to find a counselor to help me deal with my attraction so I guess I could ask him to help me deal with this.
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Great idea. I think part of your issue, too, is that your family seems to be lacking healthy boundaries. My family, for the most part, has these. My atheist brother does not try to convince us we’re all crazy. My C&E brother doesn’t try to get us to be C&E’ers. My older brother, despite his paralyzing fear that I will be harmed by attending church weekly doesn’t try to tell me that I should avoid Mass. I don’t tell the 3 dunderheads that one sinner doesn’t change an entire religion…even though that’s the absolute truth.

I respect where they are.

If your family is not accustomed to these sorts of boundaries it’s going to be an uphill battle for which you will need support.

You might actually find comfort and comradery in some of the Asian/Indian ethnic cultures. Many times those cultures push young men and women to marry early and “do what it takes” even if what it takes goes against the Church. While it’s opposite gender relationships and not SS ones, the pressure can still be so terrible. Family pressure can be toxic–finding support will be key to keeping your sanity. (if you choose to continue your relationship with your brother that is)
 
Joe1,
Hugs and I’m so sorry for the breach between you and your brother.
But…your sex life (or lack of one) is seriously none of his business. I don’t know how old you guys are, but it’s really weird he’s trying to push you into having sex.
I really think this is about his own hangups, and it’s his job to get over it.
Actually, I doubt his angst is about your personal life at all, but it’s an easy thing for him to blame it on.
All that said, it’s not good for brothers to fight. Give him some time to calm down, then try to reach out to him, maybe go get a drink or see a movie. And let him know, your personal life is your own business.
:pray:t2: For you both
 
0Scarlett_nidiyilii said:
Joe1,

Hugs and I’m so sorry for the breach between you and your brother.

But…your sex life (or lack of one) is seriously none of his business. I don’t know how old you guys are, but it’s really weird he’s trying to push you into having sex.

I really think this is about his own hangups, and it’s his job to get over it.

Actually, I doubt his angst is about your personal life at all, but it’s an easy thing for him to blame it on.

All that said, it’s not good for brothers to fight. Give him some time to calm down, then try to reach out to him, maybe go get a drink or see a movie. And let him know, your personal life is your own business.

:pray:t2: For you both
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It’s not so much of him pushing me to have sex but rather him pushing me to find a man because he thinks I’ll be lonely without one. I told him that to find a man in this day and age that will love me like a boyfriend and not want sex is very hard and would not be possible
 
Good luck, Joe.
You’re not on an easy path, but you seem to be putting in the sincere effort!
God bless
 
Maybe let him know that you are seeking friendship, you don’t want to be lonely, and you know its not good for you. He might feel better if he can see you finding same sex love platonically as a real possibility. That is to say, acknowledge his concern, and assure him you can do something about it. You can, You can find father figures, and close supportive friends, you can have some affection in your relationships. I know this is terribly hard to do, because I haven’t succeeded at it myself, but I’m working on it. If you’ve relayed to him that his concern is valid, and you are working on it(platonically), he should respect that. If not, I think the subject needs to end. Tell him you have made up your mind and do not wish to continue talking about it unless he has a different concern, because you already explained this one. If he has a different concern thats fine, but he shouldn’t be bringing up the same concern you already adressed.

He needs to know that you love him, even though you disagree with him. He probably has some reason for being angry at the church, and so he’s angry at you. possibly some teaching about sexual morality that he feels judged about, so he gets mad when other people follow the church’s teaching on sexuality. IDK.
 
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HAHAHA. Then smile and ask him why no one has been to his house dragging him into the Catholic church.
Sometimes you just have to say: “really dude?”
I’m praying for you.
God bless you. Stick to what you know to be right and true, and you’ll never go wrong, God loves you more than you know.
 
Interesting that he thinks he knows better than you what will make you happy, and won’t take your word on the matter.

(Of course, I realize that it’s not just about happiness but faithfulness.)
 
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