My child is badly behaved at mass :(

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themeginthemoon

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My 2.5 year old is making me really dread mass on Sunday. She is disruptive, loud, squirmy, and combative.

Yes, I discipline at home. I explain to her that Mass is a quiet time to talk to God and show Him how much we love him. However, NONE OF THIS WORKS! Neither does sitting up front, it just makes mass even worse for every one else in attendance. She will scream and cry really loudly as we hold her still… she’s relentless.

The ‘cry room’ isn’t much better. It’s where people go when they are late or physically unable to sit comfortably in a pew. Everyone stares as my child makes an utter spectacle with tears, loud protests, and wrestling matches to get out of our arms. Not to mention, there are BREAKABLES in the cry room! :eek: So letting her get out of the chairs is not an option.

What on Earth works for a difficult, stubborn, and contrary child? My husband is not Catholic, and it is really kind of him to go with us (we want to set a good example), but he is getting short fused with this too. It just doesn’t get any better.

I’m so frustrated 😊 I am having a c-section this Wednesday, so we won’t be at mass for a few weeks while I recover and before the baby gets her vaccines, and I am hoping to have a new strategy by the time we begin going back again.

Advice… PLEASE… it’s welcome 🙂 I may have already tried it, but I’m open here!
 
I am going to go against what a lot of people will say, but I would suggest that you go to mas alone for a bit. (I would suggest this even if your husband were Catholic, by the way.) Sometimes, it is just not worth it to have to go to mass with a child that is not capable of sitting quietly. 2.5 is a difficult age regardless of whether you are in church or at the grocery store. I know there were days when I questioned just what was going on at mass. I couldn’t recall the gospel 5 minutes later, I couldn’t focus on the homily…it was as if I wasn’t there because I couldn’t concentrate because I had to try and keep my kids from squirming. However, this too shall pass. 😉 And with a new baby on the way–cut yourself a break. You need mass to refresh and recharge. When you are able to, you can bring them both with you. Congratulations to you on your new addition! 🙂
 
Any chance you could attend daily Mass once in a while as ‘practice’? It’s much shorter.
 
I have a 22 month old that we take to Mass with us and a 7 year old. The 7 year old is obviously a lot better at sitting still… My daughter, the 22 month old, doesn’t want to sit still either.I don’t allow her to interupt the Mass though. We bring books and queit things for her to play with. We also bring clean snacks for her to eat and things like that. If she does start to scream or cry I give her a sec or two of “the look” and then immediately get up and take her outside. I pop her on the leg 2 times :eek: and make her sit down for a brief timeout while she resets. As soon as she’s calmed down I pick her up and go back into Mass. I do the exact same routine everytime she gets lound. Unfortunately that does result in me missing some portions (sometimes almost all of) Mass, but I personally think it will be worth it when she learns to behave. Me and my wife do alternate taking her out to make sure that we both get some time in Mass. We have noticed that she is much better than when we first started coming to Mass about 6 or 7 months ago, though she still has those times where is doesn’t matter what you do. We have also found that switching Mass times helped too, since she’s more tired, grumpy, and ready for a nap during the later Mass. I have also recently heard that some people have sucess by taking them back out to the vehicle and strapping them into the car seat if you can’t get them to sit in time-out properly. There are really a bunch of different way to attempt. I think it really depends on what you find works… That’s all I got, and I hope it helps. Good luck and God Bless 🙂
 
Congratulations on the impending b irth of your second.

Let’s start there. You’re full term and about to have a baby. (From having walked down this road a few times myself, you are likely getting poor rest, are physically uncomfortable, thus getting frustrated more easily, and there is a bundle of energy zooming around that you are still responsible for.)

The toddler knows things have been changing and soon will be even more. She is also naturally at a stage where 1. She is pushing against the boundaries so as to know what they are and how to operate securely within them and 2. Feeling really strong emotions that she is still learning how to appropriately express (hence being calm and rational at home and tantruming at church–home is the more secure environment for her right now so it lOoks like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, but trust me there is more going on in her little developing brain than that:) )

Now, you’ve got a lot on your plate right now. Aand you’re trying to keep her still and quiet at mass. This may be an unrealistic expectation of her presently. My 2.5 might be quiet or still, but rarely both at the same time. A more realistic expectation. Is that she will move about w/in the pew, so you give yourself a little more space. Also consider sitting near other families (esp. With young ones). They will be much more tolerant and understanding of typical two yr old behavior. Finally it will help if you whisper to her during the mass to explain what is going on. If she can be engaged by what is goin on around her, she will be less likely to want to leave-- and express that opiniOn loudly.

Hth
 
  1. find an early Mass. a REALLY early Mass. The earliest one in my area is at 7am. That early she may be more compliant. On the flip side you could find a late Mass on Sunday…6 or 7pm.
  2. Give yourself a break. She’s 2.5 Hire a sitter…especally one that won’t let her watch TV or have alot of “fun” someone who will keep quiet time…go out and go to Mass and come home really happy. 2.5yo’s are usually very big into being “big kids” depriving her of it may change her tune.
  3. Try and talk to her about Jesus. Go to the Church when it’s not open and let her run around. Let her see the statues up close. 2.5yo’s are buring with curiosity and their hearing and vision aren’t as developed as ours. Statues are alluring.
  4. Have the priest talk to her. Very lighthearted, very fun. “Jenna! I saw you at Mass!” and let the conversation follow. Try to develop a relationship between the two so she WANTS to be good for him. A casual Dennys type breakfast might be good.
  5. Let her play during the homily…even with an electronic toy on silent. Homilies are LONG and hard for adults to pay attention to.
  6. If you do check marks make a piece of paper for her and divide the Mass. Sing, pray, talk, sing, talk, sing, stand up talk, sit down talk. Sing etc, etc. This is good for 3-4yo’s so she might be a bit young yet, but it gives her an idea of what is goign on. Mass seems undending for a small child, so showing her it has an end might help.
 
She’s 2.

I don’t think it’s her. I think it’s your expectations.
 
1ke said:
She’s 2.
**
I don’t think it’s her. I think it’s your expectations.**
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This is incredibly true.

Thanks for all of the advice, some of this sounds like definitely worth trying!

I felt like maybe I had done something wrong, but she is at an age where it’s tough for her to sit still and be quiet… and those are things that are hard for her anyway.
 
If there’s no babies crying in Church, and no young kids squirming around then there’s no future for the Catholic Church.👍

That being said: my kids were always perfect:D

Not:p
 
themeginthemoon said:
This is incredibly true.

Thanks for all of the advice, some of this sounds like definitely worth trying!

I felt like maybe I had done something wrong, but she is at an age where it’s tough for her to sit still and be quiet… and those are things that are hard for her anyway.
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hmm this is tough, because all kids are different. My 2 (almost 3) year old has always been very good and quiet at Mass. However, my one year old is a bit like your daughter. We try to keep him in Mass, and when he gets disruptive I take him out, but he can’t get down or play or run around. (I dislike the Mass times in my area as my kids sleep in a bit (7-8am) but then 10-10:30 is the little one’s nap time. Which means sometimes when I have him out in the vestibule (usually during the Eucharistic prayer) I am holding a tantruming child. Yes, I get funny looks, but mostly sympathetic looks, because there is nothing I can do to sooth the child at that point.
At 2.5 I might start instituting what discipline you are instituting at home and doing it at church, when the child is very disruptive, such as screaming but not for less disruptive things like being squirmy.
 
Irishmom2 said:
I am going to go against what a lot of people will say, but I would suggest that you go to mas alone for a bit. (I would suggest this even if your husband were Catholic, by the way.) Sometimes, it is just not worth it to have to go to mass with a child that is not capable of sitting quietly. 2.5 is a difficult age regardless of whether you are in church or at the grocery store. I know there were days when I questioned just what was going on at mass. I couldn’t recall the gospel 5 minutes later, I couldn’t focus on the homily…it was as if I wasn’t there because I couldn’t concentrate because I had to try and keep my kids from squirming. However, this too shall pass. 😉 And with a new baby on the way–cut yourself a break. You need mass to refresh and recharge. When you are able to, you can bring them both with you. Congratulations to you on your new addition! 🙂
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I agree. At 2 1/2 she just may not be ready.
 
I would suggest it is not bad behaviour, but unrealistic expectations.

There is so much information out there on child development these days. I don’t have children unfortunately, but I have read quite a bit online as I have friends with kids, and my nieces and nephews. It had been a real eye opener and I would recommend it to all parents.
 
Don’t beat yourself up…she’s only 2.5 yrs old, she WILL act up. My 6yr old still acts up (wiggling, whispering, sitting on the kneeler instead of kneeling) sometimes but has gotten much much better. I know you probably don’t feel blessed after Mass & it feels like a wrestling match the whole time but it takes time…be patient. I agree with the previous post to try to attend an early Mass, that worked with my 6 & 7 yr old children.

They don’t stay little for very long… pray to Mother Mary to give you the grace to have patience.

God bless you.
 
sympathies for you, but really it is the people who are questioning your child who are the ones who could do better themselves. Your child is being very natural. Yet time and time again congregations do not like someone who comes in drunk or loud. etc babies toddlers and young children come into that. We so fondly believe that Jesus would come in well behaved. Would we even recognise Jesus because he would probably blend into which ever group he was coming in with… remember all the bible readings.

Can you take some of their favourite toys so they can play with them in the pew. an hour or so is very long time for a child to sit there etc. Look online for some colouring books that relate to the service? Take them with you. Have a drink and a few biscuits ready for the toddler too. It all happens in our church with those grandparents who bring toddlers and been coming long enough to know its acceptable.
 
rhiannonh said:
sympathies for you, but really it is the people who are questioning your child who are the ones who could do better themselves. Your child is being very natural. Yet time and time again congregations do not like someone who comes in drunk or loud. etc babies toddlers and young children come into that. We so fondly believe that Jesus would come in well behaved. Would we even recognise Jesus because he would probably blend into which ever group he was coming in with… remember all the bible readings.

Can you take some of their favourite toys so they can play with them in the pew. an hour or so is very long time for a child to sit there etc. Look online for some colouring books that relate to the service? Take them with you. Have a drink and a few biscuits ready for the toddler too. It all happens in our church with those grandparents who bring toddlers and been coming long enough to know its acceptable.
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The toy thing took a lot of it out for us. I forgot to mention it, but we keep separate toys for Mass, that she only gets to play with there. It keeps her interested for longer, since it’s not an everyday toy. We also try to get her to stand, kneel, and sing when everyone else is. Don’t know if it’ll work for you, but I’ve noticed it breaks up the playing and keeps her from getting bored with it…
 
Another vote to let her stay home. My son was much like your daugter… Once he could walk, it was a disaster! He would scream bloody murder if you tried to corral him!

We took turns taking our older daughter to early Mass, them the other would go to the later Mass alone. It was actually kind of nice to go to Mass alone occasionally…you can really listen and pray without distraction.

We would test him out every few months to see if he could handle it yet. Finally, he got with the program and we had no more trouble.

You also may find that, after the new baby comes, your daughter may crave alone time with Mommy and you might treat coming to Mass with you as big treat, dependent on good behavior… “if you can be a big girl and sit quietly, you can come to Mass with Mommy while Daddy stays home with baby!”

Good luck and God bless!
 
Try using bribery.

Seriously, offer a financial inducement to behave well … add that to the list of things on the child’s chore list for which the child receives a reward [or payment].

For little kids, they get paid at the end of the day for completing their list of chores.

For bigger kids, pay day is once a week and they provide a spread sheet invoice.

Once the little kids get an appreciation that they can “trade in” their money for toys or other items, or save it up, [not candy; they get food stuff at home on a different basis], you will be shocked at how many chores the kids want to do and how eagerly they await their payday!

And instead of the kids saying “I want” in a store, they can figure out how they can buy the stuff themselves.

Best discovery we ever made.

And I kept their “invoices” and still enjoy looking at them.
 
themeginthemoon said:
This is incredibly true.

Thanks for all of the advice, some of this sounds like definitely worth trying!

I felt like maybe I had done something wrong, but she is at an age where it’s tough for her to sit still and be quiet… and those are things that are hard for her anyway.
Click to expand...
No, you are not doing anything wrong 🙂 She is learning, and that’s a process. It takes time. And each child is different–i had 4 and each was totally different.

I would suggest teaching the common prayers of the Mass, the ones that are in most of the Masses, that way she can really participate. We taught them these prayers by repeating them during our bedtime prayers. Start with the shorter ones 😉

At home, Explain what’s happening during the Mass, like the people are reading us stories, the priest is explaining the stories. Then comes the time when Jesus comes 😃 You will be reminding her during the Mass (here’s the part x happens).

When I could, I would read the readings ahead of time and give little explanations.

You would be surprised at how much they can learn–I started late with my oldest but the littler ones learned very well as I taught her.

When they didn’t behave well (emphasis on quiet and not wandering around), I took them out and didn’t let it be more fun outside than it was inside. Then we’d go back in. Also, I tried to emphasize the big-girlness of being inside.

I missed a lot of a lot of Masses, but that was because of attening to the duties of my state of life It wasn’t like I was missing Mass because I wanted to go shopping instead.
 
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