My complete loss of faith

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virgo

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I’ve been a Catholic my entire life, and never have I reached this point. I’ve had times in my life that lasted for months in which I didn’t attend Mass, didn’t participate in Holy Days, and explored other religions. But that was more out of small doubts and spiritual laziness–this time it is different.

(Some quick background–my mom passed away a year and a half ago after a 5 year battle with breast cancer when I was 4 months pregnant with her first, long-awaited grandchild. I don’t know if this has effected my feelings or not, but I thought I’d put that out there.)

Since losing my mom, I slowly began to realize that horrible things can happen to wonderful, devout people like my mom, and often do. I’ve been struggling with depression and just recently I realized that the only thing that would explain the suffering in this world is that there is no God. I am having a hard time praying because I feel like it’s a waste of time. I used to pray all the time, even in my times of doubt.

My question is–where do I go from here? Have you ever experienced this, and how can I ever find my way back to my faith if all of the evidence points to an atheistic universe? I miss my Catholic faith, I miss my relationship with God, and I miss thinking that my mom is healed in the afterlife and watching her grandchild. Now I wonder if she isn’t simply gone, and that there isn’t anything after this life. I just don’t know what to do. I am so upset by this that I’m finding it hard to get up in the morning and look forward to the day, because what is the point? I could really use your help.
~Amy
 
I am not sure what I can say but I can point to a good talk that talks about loss and God.

Listen to this, it might help.
Here

Maybe reading the book too might help.

God Bless
Scylla
 
virgo said:
I’ve been a Catholic my entire life, and never have I reached this point. I’ve had times in my life that lasted for months in which I didn’t attend Mass, didn’t participate in Holy Days, and explored other religions. But that was more out of small doubts and spiritual laziness–this time it is different.

(Some quick background–my mom passed away a year and a half ago after a 5 year battle with breast cancer when I was 4 months pregnant with her first, long-awaited grandchild. I don’t know if this has effected my feelings or not, but I thought I’d put that out there.)

Since losing my mom, I slowly began to realize that horrible things can happen to wonderful, devout people like my mom, and often do. I’ve been struggling with depression and just recently I realized that the only thing that would explain the suffering in this world is that there is no God. I am having a hard time praying because I feel like it’s a waste of time. I used to pray all the time, even in my times of doubt.

My question is–where do I go from here? Have you ever experienced this, and how can I ever find my way back to my faith if all of the evidence points to an atheistic universe? I miss my Catholic faith, I miss my relationship with God, and I miss thinking that my mom is healed in the afterlife and watching her grandchild. Now I wonder if she isn’t simply gone, and that there isn’t anything after this life. I just don’t know what to do. I am so upset by this that I’m finding it hard to get up in the morning and look forward to the day, because what is the point? I could really use your help.
~Amy
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Hi Amy. Very sorry you’re going through such a tough time. 😦 For what it’s worth, I’ll remember you in my prayers.

The problem of suffering is a big one, no doubt about it. I don’t have time to go into a deep discussion on it, but I guess I can offer a quick thought. No matter how painful a person’s life here is, it’s completely temporary. We may not understand what benefit God thinks we can get out of these situations, but we can always hope that things will work out in the long run.

I know that doesn’t help much when you’re dealing with grief, but it might be worth chewing on.

As for your other point, about the evidence pointing to a godless universe. I have looked at the evidence, and I don’t think that’s true. First off, I think there’s historical evidence for Jesus’s life. I have never heard a reasonable alternative explanation for the early church.

Second off, there are compelling philosophical arguments for God. A couple of my current favorites are the Argument from Reason and the Argument from Common Morality. I won’t go into them right now, but maybe later if you want.

Third, there are historical miracles that lack any reasonable scientific explanation. Eucharistic miracle of Lanciano. Incorruptible saints. Healings. Visions.

The evidence may not be a slam-dunk. There is always room to disbelieve, if that’s a person’s inclination. But there is more than enough evidence to make faith reasonable.

I wish I had some useful advice for you. You mentioned struggling with depression – are you in counselling right now?

God bless.
 
hi amy,

please try to continue in your prayer life. God does understand your distress, and He wants to help you through this trying time.
please see your confessor/director about your doubts
. he will help you also. tell Jesus you trust Him. He loves you so very much, and your mom does too.

God bless,

johnco
 
I’m so sorry for the loss of your beloved mother. It’s hard, I know, to understand pain and suffering when you are in the middle of it. A truly lovely book about going through doubt when grieving is C. S. Lewis’ A Grief Observed. He lost his dear wife to cancer, as you did your mother, and felt the same things and had the same sorts of thoughts as you described. That’s why his book is so good–he was able to speak to those things we find so hard to express.

For dealing with depression along with your grief Fr. Benedict Groeschel’s Arise from Darkness is excellent.

Don’t give up hope or belief. Suffering is a part of life, which is why Christ came to suffer for us–to make it bearable and to redeem it. God bless you.
 
Virgo

Doing the math from reading your post, I take it that your child is about 13 months old. We all know post partum depression is real. Add to the 24 hour task/burden of a raising a newborn, the tension of your mother’s illness, and then her passing, and while I’m not a mental health specialist, is it possible that you are experiencing something that is affecting both your physical and mental health? Something that is impacting you perception of all aspects of your life. Have you talked to your doctor (or your baby’s doctor) about your health. Your last couple of sentences make me wonder if I’m not right.

A suggestion: take some time off from your worry about losing you faith. Give what you can right now to God, take good care of your newborn child, and check out your own health with your doctor. He might suggest a session of counseling that would reveal something you are not presently aware of.

Meanwhile, will pray for you.
 
Dear virgo,

I’m going to try to be as gentle as I can, in addressing your great loss, and the depression that you are now enduring.
In a real sense, you’re relationship with God has changed, because now you are able to sit silently with Jesus in the garden of Gethsemani, and to be with Him at Calvary. Now you may understand in depth why He cried out to His father “Why have you abandoned Me?” You can now sit beside Him, as He sits on a hill overlooking Jerusalem, weeping - because those He reached out to rejected Him, and the love which He brought them.

I hold that unless and until one has suffered great loss in life,
one can not truly be full present at Calvary with Jesus.
Did He look down from the cross and note that His disciples
had abandoned Him? All except John.

Great suffering and great loss are mysteries. We can only stand
in silent companionship with one who is suffering greatly,
as I offer to stand beside you now. Will you please accept my
assurance that I have lived with depression for over 50 years.
Great suffering, great loss, came very early. I have listened
to those who tried to “explain” *why *this was the reality.
But the why is only to be found in God.

I can say that I found that there were passages that I had to make over time.
First, great anger at God. Then a kind of wilting inside,
like a little plant without water. Then depression. And
finally resignation. which, with time, became acceptance.
Each of these passages sometimes came and went at the same time.
To grieve great loss takes time, and extending mercy to oneself,
in one’s own suffering.

Many are those who talk about “trusting” God - who haven’t
a clue as to what they are talking about, for they have
yet to encounter grievous loss. And the one Person Who
never leaves us is God Himself. God respects our grief.
He stands beside us, listening to words of anger, and even
rejection, and He never turns away.

Will you please consider another’s experience in life? **
Nothing that has ever happened to me - not loss, not emotional pain, not depression, not childlessness - none of this has been for seeming naught.
At every stage of life, I have found that I have been equipped by God to understand what suffering is. I could sit and lean against the cross - wordless, for only Christ on the cross understood. I was silent and He was silent -in the kind of silence only known to those who are nearly in the fetal position, emotional pain is so deep.

I have been mentally ill for all of my life. Too ill to bring children into this world. My father endured schizophrenia, and my mother is now in the advanced stage of Altzheimer’s, at age 87.

I think that, when all is said and done, God is the only Being in the universe Who truly understands why He allows suffering.

If you wish a close relationship with God, God will provide for this.
He does know what you need, even before you ask Him.
As Christ carried His cross, and fell three times, does He meet us as we lie prostrate in our own pain? Our face in the dust, do we look and see His own divine Face in the dust, next to us?
When one has experieced crushing loss, one not only keeps Lent - one is a participant in the Way of the Cross.

My definiton of a cross, is any reality that we would
give almost anything, not to have to carry.

God be with you, virgo. Please do not be concerned that
it is so difficult to pray. Just sit silently with Jesus.
He will understand.

reen12
 
reen12 -
that has got to be on of the most beautiful, moving, and deeply inspiring passages that I have ever read about suffering. Period. Your eloquence speaks to the grace that you have received as a result of your suffering - I hope that it touches virgo as deeply as it has touched me. May God bless you both.
-Cricket
 
Cricket, you don’t know how I needed to hear your
words, tonight. They were balm to an aching heart.
God bless you.

reens
 
This is very "John of the Cross, Dark night of the Soul’ kind of thing, but I’ve read and believe that when we feel that God is no longer listening to us or not present to us, it may be his way of trying to draw us closer to him so we let go of the things that we cling to here in the world and turn more to him. Not sure if it makes sense, but that type of spiritual dryness may be a way of God nudging us closer to him. I think Mother Theresa had similar experiences…not sure that helps, but please know we who read this will be praying for you and for all of us.
 
Amy, I am sorry for your loss and your struggle.
Why do good people suffer? It is a good question.

Our God is a loving God but not a God of micromanagement.
Though he cares about us to every detail of our lives, he also allows and honors the natural law he has established. God does not cause anyone to be sick.

A person’s disease is often caused by his living environment, health habit, heredity, stress and many other factors. It is easy to blame God for one’s sickness, but God is not to blame. If a person’s life is somehow against the natural law (the reasons mentioned above), sickness happens.

When you read the Gospel, you will find Jesus has never refused to heal anyone.
He is a loving Jesus, He is a healing Jesus. But why is not our loved one healed when we pray? I don’t know. No one has the answer. One thing I am sure, sickness and disease are from the devil, not from God. People may say something like “God sent the disease”, but God never gives us bad things. God allows free will, he allows things to happen according to natural law and free will, but He does not create bad things. He did not create evil. God is a good God.

It is natural for us to ask “why” when we do not understand. But keep in mind His will is much higher than ours. God’s thought is not our thought. All we can do is to trust. I know it is hard, but what else can we do? Who else can we turn to?

Our Lord Jesus is a long suffering Lord, a lamb slain for your sins and mine. Look at how much torture he has gone through and how brutal His death was. He has never promised us a rose garden, He promised to be with us always.

Why don’t you tell God everything you told us here? Why don’t you pour out your heart to Him in your prayer? You said you miss the relationship with God. Tell Him that in your prayers also. There are too many things we don’t understand. The only thing we can do is to trust. If distrust can bring you happiness and comfort, then do that. But distrust never makes us feel good. Turn to Jesus and pour your heart to Him.

Praying for you, God bless!
 
Thank you all so much for your responses. I’m weeping as I read your words, especially those of reen12. I’m still struggling with this, and am being treated for depression, as that may be the culprit here. I’ve gone through so many rounds with myself and each time I convince myself that God is listening and that He does exist, I talk myself out of it and convince myself that it is just a psychological reaction that I need to survive emotionally.

And joeybaggz, I believe you are right. My son is a little over a year old and I have just started seeing a doctor for post partum depression. I really want to move beyond this point in my life and not feel like my entire world is falling in. What you said makes sense and it is good to know that I may just need psychological help to get me past this hump.

Thanks again everyone–every day is a struggle, but I’m trying to continue to pray.
 
Amy, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Though you may think God is no longer there, He is very much present in your life.

God will never give us any trials that we cannot handle.

I too am suffering from a major mental illness that has features of both schizophrenia and depression.

I have lost my faith in the Lord so many times in the past. I believe there was even a time that I became an atheist because I would not pray, believe in God and attend mass.

I was also brought up as Roman Catholic and received the Sacraments.

It was only LAST YEAR THAT I FOUND THE LORD. That was during my pregnancy with my 3rd child. During my pregnancy, I experienced severe depression, psychosis (hallucinations and delusion) and I even thought that I was already in HELL and was no longer alive. It was so real that I began calling the Lord and asking Him for forgiveness for the many sins I have committed. I even went to confession in a nearby church.

You know what? After calling on Him and sincerely praying and asking for forgiveness, I felt His presence in my life for the first time. I was on the last trimester of pregnancy when I started praying the rosary daily, reciting the Chaplet of the Divine Mercy and the Novena to the Divine Mercy.

I was hoping and praying to please give me a healthy baby girl.

On August 17th, 2007, I delivered a healthy and a beautiful baby girl through a C-section.

I had felt that all my prayers were answered by the Lord. It was the least painful post operation I had experienced (it was my 3rd c-section) and I had recovered quickly without any complications. My daughter is now almost 7 months old.

I wanted to share that experience with you to strengthen you and let you know that God is with you, Amy. He is around and if you will just call on Him, He will let you feel His presence.

There were so many sad experiences that happened in my life. I have struggled on and off with depression since I was a teenager and I had suicide attempts in the past which I truly regret.

But God never left nor forsaked me. He made me stronger and a better person for my children.

Right now, I am not ashamed to say that I am taking medications for my mental illness and it is definitely helping my negative symptoms. I am also regularly seeing my psychiatrist.

Are you on meds or therapy? If not, you probably need to see a doctor so he can prescribe you meds for depression.

Depression is a serious mental illness that needs to be treated with meds and/or psycotherapy.

Please be strong for your child, Amy. Try praying the Novena to the Divine Mercy and saying the rosary regularly.

God bless you and your family always.

Love,

Liz
 
Hi again, Amy. I wasn’t able to see your post about being treated for depression. I apologize for being repetitive about you seeking treatment.

God bless
 
I hate to argue with you but you have not completely lost your faith…

I feel like a broken record, but have you tried spending time @ the Blessed Sacrament, particularly the Exposed Sacrament?

I go there and just try to empty my head/heart & let Jesus (Holy Spirit) deal with me however they want…

Also, you may be stressed out…

Do you make time to be alone w/ God by going to a natural setting where there are no people (distractions) around?
The world, the flesh and the devil are too much for all of us and we all need to get away from “everything” OFTEN…

God bless…
 
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