My confession was rejected

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jlkummings

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I went to confession the other day after about 25 years. I had found a “guide” to confession to use as an outline to make sure I was being thorough. In the confessional, per the guide’s instruction, I confessed that I was married outside the church (my parent’s back yard by a judge). The priest then told me that I was outside the sacraments and my confession was stopped. This left me devestated! I was almost half way through my confession! When I returned home I tried to find any resource that could have warned me that this would happen to no avail. Then I started wondering about the purpose. I believe it is the Church’s intention/decision to punish? me! Why?! I was requesting forgiveness - denied!
 
Did your priest offer you any further guidance? Maybe he just meant that you have to get your marriage convalidated? I’m sorry that you had a bad experience. I’m sure that going to cofession after so long was a difficult thing to do.
 
Sorry to hear that happened, I believe in this situation you should give a priest a phone call for discussion of the situation.

If someone here could help with the legalities behind refusing absolution but I am thinking unless you and your wife admit that you are not Sacramentally married and that you are indeed “living” in sin you cannot be absoved.

I did find HERE that an invalid marriage impedes one from recieving the sacraments.
 
I’m sorry it happend to you that way.I gave a pretty long general confession of 10 years once and it was difficult. Did the priest ask if you were still living with you spouse that you married in the backyard? If you are then you cannot recieve absolution until you resolve that situation. The church doesn’t desire to punish you , there are situations where our sin prevents a sacrament until we remove it.
So in your case if you are still in the marriage you want to make an appointment with the parish priest so that you can rectify that and any other impediments.

Guides are just that -guides. They don’t generally have every sin listed or every scenario. Priests are there to guide you also.

Sometimes this happens, that we are not educated well enough in the faith and we trip ourselves up in that ignorance. It’s an unfortunate mistake but one you can recover from. Take heart and hope.
Praying for you .
 
jlkummings said:
I went to confession the other day after about 25 years. I had found a “guide” to confession to use as an outline to make sure I was being thorough. In the confessional, per the guide’s instruction, I confessed that I was married outside the church (my parent’s back yard by a judge). The priest then told me that I was outside the sacraments and my confession was stopped. This left me devestated! I was almost half way through my confession! When I returned home I tried to find any resource that could have warned me that this would happen to no avail. Then I started wondering about the purpose. I believe it is the Church’s intention/decision to punish? me! Why?! I was requesting forgiveness - denied!
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At the risk of being extra blunt - no resource that could have warned you? It’s in scripture itself - ‘those whose sins you retain they are retained’. Right after ‘those whose sins you forgive they are forgiven’, you know.

This line was written because priests sometimes have the unpleasant obligation of retaining sins and refusing absolution.

Certainly if your priest explained to you that you needed to put your marital situation to rights first, then he was well within bounds to refuse absolution until you had agreed to do so - and possibly until you had ACTUALLY done so.
 
Please do not stop in your efforts to return. I know it is hard. When I asked for baptism, I was told that I would have to wait more than a year before I could be fully accepted into the Church. It was worth the wait even though there were some pretty dark days along the way with thoughts of dying while in mortal sin.

Call the priest and make an appointment to talk about this outside of the confessional so that he can give you advice and start the process to regularize your marriage. Ask about any other possible impediments at the same time.
 
Much good advise already.

I found myself in a similar situation.
I had left the church was divorced, and remarried.
My wife and I wanted to return, so I needed to get an annulment.
Contacted (through my Godfather) a Deacon who specializes in these matters.
Obtained an annulment, had our marriage blessed in the church and THEN went to confession (after 30 years) and had no problems.

I list this only to let you know that, although the priest may have acted abruptly, that doesn’t mean you cannot get this resolved.

May god Guide you in your efforts to return to the Church.
James
 
I was in the same boat as you when I returned to the Church. I had my marriage convalidated and was then able to return to the sacraments.

Definitely speak to a priest about your situation. If this is a first marriage for both you and your wife the convalidation process is pretty simple. If one or both of you have been divorced then you would need to apply for an annulment first.

Convalidation means that you get married in the Church with a priest and two witnesses.

Every situation is different and the priest is the one who can advise you on what to do.
 
On the bright side, you know you have a good priest who respects the laws of the Church. 🙂

I’m sure God has a great gift in store for you as you work towards receiving the Church’s blessing on your marriage.

Persevere!!!
 
You have already received excellent advice but please let me add my two cents. As a priest, I can offer you my perspective.
Whenever someone comes to confession after a long period of time, it is a source of special joy, but it can also be difficult. I encourage my parishioners who have been away for more than 10 or 15 years to make an appointment with one of the priests for their confession. This allows us to offer that person the amount of pastoral care and time they need without worrying about the long line of penitents still waiting. (Yes, we have long lines every weekend.) Your situation is especially challenging because it requires that the priest carefully and gently ask questions to ascertain whether or not your spouse is still living, if this was your first marriage or the specific reasons why you were married by a JP, etc. Only when he has this information, can he advise you properly and this can be time consuming in the confessional.
As others have recommended here, make an appointment with your priest and discuss the whole matter. Be prepared to answer the questions outlined above. The solution to your problem may be a very simple one or more involved. The priest needs to know the facts before he can offer the appropriate medicine.
Above all, remember that your desire to confess was in response to an actual grace received from God. That is wonderful. Do not become discouraged by one bad experience. God’s mercy is still waiting for you. I will pray for you.
 
My prayers to you and your spouse.

When you love some one, you don’t want to keep him/her in a state of mortal sin. You would do anything to help, even take on hardship and sacrifice yourselve.

Please take courage and talk to the priest.
Tak
 
I never even thought about this and I am sorry this happen to you. How awful. If it’s true that you can’t receive the sacrament of reconciliation in this situation then I think the priest didn’t handle it very well. He should have gently told you this instead of just stopping the confession like that. Honestly, I would find another priest and make an appointment to talk this whole thing out and get your marriage convalidated.
 
anamchara said:
I never even thought about this and I am sorry this happen to you. How awful. If it’s true that you can’t receive the sacrament of reconciliation in this situation then I think the priest didn’t handle it very well. He should have gently told you this instead of just stopping the confession like that. Honestly, I would find another priest and make an appointment to talk this whole thing out and get your marriage convalidated.
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I have to disagree on one point - I don’t think that finding another priest just because of one uncomfortable situation will do him any good. Forming a relationship with anyone, including a priest, has its ups and downs. Doing as Father has suggested above by making an appointment and discussing everything from the beginning could be the start of a wonderful relationship for this couple and their priest. Running away from the man because he was doing his job is not what I would suggest.

~Liza
 
No wonder people leave the Church and don’t return. The priest should have handled this in a more compassionate way. He probably forgot how hard it is for someone to come to confession after 25 years away.

The Lord is drawing you back to His Church and you responded. My opinion is similiar to what’s been posted already. Make an appointment (with a different priest) and sit down and explain everything. There won’t be time constraints as with a line of people behind you waiting for confession. You can get the guidance you need to convalidate your marriage and set things right.

I’ll be praying for you.
 
lizaanne said:
I have to disagree on one point - I don’t think that finding another priest just because of one uncomfortable situation will do him any good. Forming a relationship with anyone, including a priest, has its ups and downs. Doing as Father has suggested above by making an appointment and discussing everything from the beginning could be the start of a wonderful relationship for this couple and their priest. Running away from the man because he was doing his job is not what I would suggest.

~Liza
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This is not an attempt to hi-jack the conversation, but 100.1% concur with this statement. I was in a very turbulent state in life and had a priest who spoke the very uncomfortable truth to me. Looking back at 25 years of continued relationship with this priest, I am so grateful that God had us cross paths.

O/P - take the advise to set an appointment. I’m not siure about your resource, but if it did not outline the difference between a confession of 25 years and your weekly/monthly confession, then the resource missed the mark.

You have been loaded with all the good advice you need, so God bless as you work through this in the time ahead.
 
No wonder people leave the Church and don’t return. The priest should have handled this in a more compassionate way. He probably forgot how hard it is for someone to come to confession after 25 years away.
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This is quite a leap, as we do not know the specifics of what happened. The OP did not claim that the confessor was rude or not “compassionate.” The OP merely said that the confession could not be completed and was told to obtain a decree of nullity. There was no accusation made, only understandable disappointment on the OP’s part at the realization that an irregular marriage presents an impediment to receiving the sacraments.

There is no evidence that the confessor mishandled this situation, and it certainly is not unreasonable to suspect that the emotion of the moment further colored the OP’s perceptions when posting here.
 
To the original poster - I hope you’re still reading this thread 😦

Faith is not always a gentle or easy thing, as Christ and the Apostles show us in the ups and downs of their lives. You’ve received some good advice and opinions here, please take it to heart rather than giving up on the Faith.

You’ll be in my prayers today :crossrc:
 
Maybe someone can explain to me the apparent catch-22 in this situation.

First, it is a mortal sin to be married with mortal sins on one’s soul.

Second, it is a mortal sin to recieve the sacraments while living in a state of sin, as alluded to previously.

How does obviously repentant, God-fearing man avoid sin?

Mat.
 
Pious_Mat said:
Maybe someone can explain to me the apparent catch-22 in this situation.

First, it is a mortal sin to be married with mortal sins on one’s soul.

Second, it is a mortal sin to recieve the sacraments while living in a state of sin, as alluded to previously.

How does obviously repentant, God-fearing man avoid sin?

Mat.
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No Catch-22 here.

You avoid sin firstly by agreeing to live either separately (preferable) or only as ‘brother and sister’ with their legally-wedded until such time as you can be sacramentally wedded. Since the spouse’s opinion here is probaby unknown (and their agreement to such a scheme is necessary) understandaby the priest was reluctant to give absolution.

Secondly you take at least first steps towards getting the marriage convalidated. At that time, approach the priest AGAIN in confession and he will give absolution.

The problem here, it seems, is that there seems to have been no indication on the OPs part that they understood the necessity of taking those first two steps towards repentance for their sin.
 
My husband and I recently returned to the Church also, and I went to confession before I knew that we needed to have our marriage convalidated. The priest I went to is a highly respected priest known around the world, and he completely accepted my confession, but informed me that we would have to have our marriage convalidated. I could be wrong, but it is my understanding that the only reasons for rejecting a confession is #1, that the penitent is not truly sorry for his/her sins, or #2 that the penitent has not confessed all of his/her mortal sins.

The priest did inform my husband and me that we would not be able to receive communion until our convalidation, but other than that, he completely accepted my confession.

So I’m a little confused, to say the least, as to why your confession was rejected. If it all possible, I would talk to another priest.

Mary
 
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