My Dad is having an emotional affair?!

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elohimrules

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What do I do? My dad and mom are retired and all their friends are passing away around them. They have been married for 50+ years and are very opposite. He is an engineer and she has been a housewife. They always just sort of co-existed. Not much romance etc. But I thought they were happy. My Dad has always been a very level headed rational engineer type who never has been prone to anything risky or new.

The problem is this. He called me up a few days ago and basically told me he and a 19 year old girl have been corresponding for a year and have become friends. He said he wanted to tell me because things may be coming out and some people are giving him a hard time about it. I dont know what he means things are coming out?

She is married and of course so is my dad. She is a musician and he has been giving her money to help her start her music career ie (there goes my inheritance if there was any, lol sad but true I think). Anyways, thats not the point. The point is like OMG what do I do? My dad says my mom is ok with it and that he was depressed after he retired but now he is happier than ever. Mom said she was ok with it this morning but I told her that I gave Dad a hard time about it and told him how would you feel if mom was doing the same thing. My mom said that he would not be happy with it. My mom doesnt have money to live on her own so she really can’t not accept it. My dad when I talked to him today sounds manic. I mean hes talking a mile a minute about this girl and mailed me some of her music videos.

I really want to talk to my mom in private but I cant just like say, mom can you go into your office so i can talk to you alone, I want to tell her he sounds manic and like hes off his rocker. I had to just listen to my dad talk today for 20 minutes about this girl. I hope my mom doesnt think im taking his side. I think this is SO bizarre and just crazy! I dont know what to do. I know ultimately it is THEIR relationship and I shouldnt but in too much. But its really stressing me out. I try not to judge. I mean all their friends and siblings their age are dying. I cant imagine being in that place in life. It must be so scary. Anyways, just pray for my parents that they will do the right thing. Pray for them and for me because I just want to scream. Thank you!
 
Your dad mentoring a young musician does not equal a “romantic affair”. Why must we look at everything through some sort of “sex goggles”
 
It would still concern me a bit… Nothing wrong with support or mentoring; however, it’s a fine line that’s easily crossed.
 
The way he talks about her and writes me emotional emails about her he sounds like hes in love. Its all SO bizarre. I mean my Dads an engineer, hes never been one to emote. It makes me feel like in icky feeling inside or that my dad is going crazy.
 
Assuming he has no known psychiatric disorders, you may want to suggest him going for a physical.
 
He mentioned after he retired he got depressed. Now he says since he has been talking to her he is not depressed anymore. Today to me he sounds manic. I know his mother had manic depression after her husband passed away. I mean its freakin me out my dad never sounds like this, emotional and stuff. He keeps saying mom is ok with it. I suggested to him that he get counselling for his depression and maybe medication if he needs it.
 
He should absolutely see his doctor. There’s dementia, Alzheimer’s, and countless other conditions that the doctor can screen for. Changes in personality and/or humor can signal that something is amiss.
 
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Yes, if you can, ask him to see a doctor.

I’m so sorry this is happening. I would tell your mother you’re worried that your dad isn’t well.
 
I knew a priest who was transferred and returned several years later. Well, he wasn’t the same. His memory, humor, and homilies were “off”. Turns out he had a very severe neurological condition. I picked up on it immediately but it took awhile for others to notice.
 
Yeah, I talked to mom and said i dont think Dad is well and she said he has been that way for a while and she mentioned him getting help and hes a “man” as in he doesnt want to get help for his problems. Also he has often had quite the temper during their marriage at times and mom says no actually things are a lot easier now he doesnt loose his temper like he used too! So i guess i dunno what it all means. I just told her i loved her and she could always stay with me if she needed too.
 
Just try to get him into the doctors. If you can, get your siblings or other family members to insist. Otherwise, just keep an eye on him and keep track of any odd behavior. Do your research and keep watching.
 
I’m sorry to hear that. Unfortunately if he won’t get help, there’s not a lot you can do. Try to keep communication open and let him know you won’t think less of him if he does come to the conclusion he needs help.

I don’t know how good this advice is, but is there any chance you could contact the 19 year old? It could be that he’s been telling her about his health and she’s trying to help him - she might be able to talk to him and get him to listen.
 
Yes, I agree. If you can, keep a written record. If he does go to the doctors, it’ll help.
 
Have him go to the doctors.

Question: Did your parents lose any children (including before they were born)? Did he ever discourage any of you from pursuing music?

To me, this sounds like an “adopted fantasy daughter” sort of situation. Like he’s being driven by regret, remorse or grief. I was adopted when I was not a baby. I do think part of my dad’s wanting to help me came from both loss and parenting regrets.
 
Well u know one time when i was sick (I have mental illness) I thought I heard my parents arguing about how he forced her to have an abortion before they got married as when they were young it was just not accepted to be pregnant before being married. You know you bring up a very good point that I never thought of. You know I always sensed I had an older sister its kinda strange and I sensed she was in heaven. Ok, so now you all do think im crazy. I really am well on my medicine.
 
Also, I was an artist. I got my undergrad in Art and he pushed me to get a masters in healthcare to “support” myself. Now I never do my art. I just dont do it and I do feel bad about that. Maybe he does too.
 
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