My Dad is having an emotional affair?!

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elohimrules said:
Well u know one time when i was sick (I have mental illness) I thought I heard my parents arguing about how he forced her to have an abortion before they got married as when they were young it was just not accepted to be pregnant before being married. You know you bring up a very good point that I never thought of. You know I always sensed I had an older sister its kinda strange and I sensed she was in heaven. Ok, so now you all do think im crazy. I really am well on my medicine.
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Yeahhhhhh…if what you overheard is true, your father’s behavior makes total sense. It’s a re-do for him. Many post-abortive adults go on to have unofficial adopted relationships. Both to “make up” for what they lost and to “prevent” that situation in someone elses’ life. If you are their only child/daughter and it seemed they might lose you then the need for your father to feel in control/special/loved in helping a young person start out…yeah…
elohimrules said:
Also, I was an artist. I got my undergrad in Art and he pushed me to get a masters in healthcare to “support” myself. Now I never do my art. I just dont do it and I do feel bad about that. Maybe he does too.
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Yep. My guess is that after he retired he saw his life in light of his job and wondered what it was all worth. That may have been a big trigger for his depression and regret over how he treated you.
 
elohimrules said:
I really want to talk to my mom in private but I cant just like say, mom can you go into your office so i can talk to you alone, I want to tell her he sounds manic and like hes off his rocker.
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You can make an appointment with her to talk–maybe when she’s out and about or he’s out and about?
Cruciferi said:
I knew a priest who was transferred and returned several years later. Well, he wasn’t the same. His memory, humor, and homilies were “off”. Turns out he had a very severe neurological condition. I picked up on it immediately but it took awhile for others to notice.
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Yeah.

The OP’s father is at an age where sudden changes in behavior are concerning.
 
elohimrules said:
Today to me he sounds manic. I know his mother had manic depression after her husband passed away. I mean its freakin me out my dad never sounds like this, emotional and stuff. He keeps saying mom is ok with it. I suggested to him that he get counselling for his depression and maybe medication if he needs it.
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Can you take your mum out, and discuss his symptoms with her. If he sounds manic, has been depressed, there could be a basis for an illness there.

There is also the possibility he is being scammed.
Words being used such as Corresponding suggests an online friendship. He says Some people are already giving him a hard time about it , Which people and why.

And what of her alleged husband.

Perhaps you should suggest you all go and meet up and see where the cards fall, is she real
 
Excellent point. Another poster on CAF was scammed several times by people online. These scams fail 98% of the time; however, they only need one vulnerable person with a credit card to make it worthwhile. That’s a good suggestion!
 
lol come on

no man gives a woman that isn’t family money for nothing in return unless he’s an idiot
 
Perhaps vulnerable aging man thinks he is having a wonderful friendship with a 19yo teenager. Is having a late mid life crisis, with disordered thinking due to an emerging health vulnerability.

And the scammers have fished and caught him hook line and sinker. Where is the supposed husband. Does this teen live in USA or elsewhere
 
Rose has a really good point. I didn’t even think of scammers, but it sounds frighteningly plausible as an explanation.
 
Better get that bank account checked immediately! Scammers can get vulnerable individuals to drain everything… 🙁
 
If you feel like your father is incapacitated you can petition the court to appoint a guardian over him after a psycholgocial evaluation. Otherwise, if he’s not incapacitated then this girl is gonna have really well produced music videos
 
No, this is just weird. Who does that without it being more open, and less of a secret for a year? Emails? Something is not right here.
 
Cruciferi said:
Better get that bank account checked immediately! Scammers can get vulnerable individuals to drain everything…
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Right.

I read a recent article about an elderly widow who was completely fleeced by a younger “gentleman friend” who was investing her money for her.
 
It concerns me that he said “things are gong to come out” or something like that.

Sounds like he’s aware this is irregular, at MINIMUM, and that he doesn’t want you to listen to the gossip.
You mom sounds like a saint.
He would be singing soprano if he was my husband.
 
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pianistclare said:
It concerns me that he said “things are gong to come out” r something like that.
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I am concerned that that means that the financial misbehavior is hitting high five, maybe even six digits–something so big he can’t hide it.

www.aarp.org

Online Romance and Dating Scams: How to Spot a Scammer

Criminals are eager to take advantage of people looking for love on dating sites and steal their money. Here’s what to watch out for in online dating.
www.aarp.org www.aarp.org
 
Sorry but I’m not seeing an ‘emotional affair’ there is nothing romantic in what you’ve described.

Your Dad lost his purpose when he retired and this platonic relationship is giving him something to look forward to. I’m not going to go into whether the woman is taking advantage of him or not, that’s for the family to work out and may be very subjective. Pushing it may also just serve to alienate him for your advice, it’s something he has to come to realize.

Put your effort into helping him find additional interests and purpose. Is there a next generation and can he mentor them as a grandfather? Help him find a purpose.
 
“help him find a purpose”

YES, a thousand times yes.

Most people who get into “mischief” let’s say, because I’m not gong to accuse him either based on what the OP has said…do so because they feel no one needs them, wants to listen to them, or they have nothing to offer anyone.

If I was the mom, I’d feel very betrayed, but in hindsight and after a couple of more postings…she seems oddly removed from his/their lives.

Why do they not complete each other anymore? There’s the issue and there lies the cause of all of this.
 
I told my dad my concerns about his mental health etc and that im not concerned with him corresponding with a young lady im just worried that he has mental illness like I do and needs some help. Well, now he has stopped writing to me. Last week he invited me to visit home and now I emailed him to visit and he hasn’t emailed me back.
 
Why can’t you just pick up a phone?
It seems neither of you really want resolution. I don’t get it.
 
elohimrules said:
I told my dad my concerns about his mental health
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So you “told” dad that by email or by phone?
I suggest this issue is something you address on the phone or personally in private.

I would also gently ask him to reveal how much money he has spent on the girl’s “career”.
I would seek out how your mum really feels about this and how much it actually effects her.
If it does then privately have your dad up about the issue and do not accept any protestation that mum is “OK” about it. She in fact seems too afraid to ripple the waters.

Hopefully these small challenges alone will get dad to start critically assessing his conduct.
If it doesn’t why not seek out a recommended counsellor you can engage to see with dad (or alone to start with) to get an objective assessment. If he is not agreeable that’s a flag.

Its not easy dealing with these matters. Good luck.
 
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