My Daughter's Cohabitation: How Can I Heal?

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Hello everyone,

My 25-year-old daughter is about to move in with her boyfriend of 4 years, 5 hours away from where we all live, to continue her education.

He has refused to make a commitment of any kind-- no marriage, no engagement ring. Nothing— except “free” room and board. My daughter tells me if it wasn’t for school, she would not move in with him (keeping in mind that she could have easily gone to several schools where we live). My wife and I considered paying for her room and board (we’ve got 2 others in college right now), but she admitted that she would end up living with him anyway.

In my heart, I know I did everything I could to get her to follow the Church’s teachings. Now it is time for me to let go. However, I’m completely heartbroken.

Can anyone recommend a few books, prayers, websites, provide some advice, etc. to help me find peace? It’s time to begin the healing process.

Thank you.
 
Well, as St. Monica prayed for 30 years for her son, you have to keep her in your prayers that she will repent and return to the Church.
 
Pray for her and keep giving her to the Lord when you become anxious about her choices. Keep trusting in the Lord, remembering that He loves her even more than you do. I have similar situations with my adult children.

One has come back to the Church…am still praying for more.
 
joseph300 said:
Hello everyone,

My 25-year-old daughter is about to move in with her boyfriend of 4 years, 5 hours away from where we all live, to continue her education.

He has refused to make a commitment of any kind-- no marriage, no engagement ring. Nothing— except “free” room and board. My daughter tells me if it wasn’t for school, she would not move in with him (keeping in mind that she could have easily gone to several schools where we live). My wife and I considered paying for her room and board (we’ve got 2 others in college right now), but she admitted that she would end up living with him anyway.

In my heart, I know I did everything I could to get her to follow the Church’s teachings. Now it is time for me to let go. However, I’m completely heartbroken.

Can anyone recommend a few books, prayers, websites, provide some advice, etc. to help me find peace? It’s time to begin the healing process.

Thank you.
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Hello and welcome,

When this became more widespread during the 1970s, parents wondered what to do. How could this have happened? Since I was there, I can tell you in all honesty that new “preachers” began to appear in our neighborhoods. Most of them were called Hippies. Gradually, they began to offer drugs to Catholics and promoted their “better”, “more free” lifestyle. This began in 1968 with the the start of the so-called Sexual Revolution, which Pope Paul VI was aware was on its way. He told us, at the time, that this was coming. However, the response to his words was lightning swift, negative and confusing.

"Within 24 hours, in an event unprecedented in the history of the Church, more than 200 dissenting theologians signed a full-page ad in The New York Times in protest. Not only did they declare their disagreement with encyclical’s teaching; they went one step further, far beyond their authority as theologians, and actually encouraged dissent among the lay faithful.

"They asserted the following: “Therefore, as Roman Catholic theologians, conscious of our duty and our limitations, we conclude that spouses may responsibly decide according to their conscience that artificial contraception in some circumstances is permissible and indeed necessary to preserve and foster the values and sacredness of marriage.”

If you were not there, the 1970s also saw other protests against marriage and the family, and human dignity, with the opening of many porn bookstores, topless bars and strip clubs. Sex with anyone - without commitment - was the goal. I also saw my country allow something that hurt and confused me - legalized abortion in 1973. That ‘bundle of joy,’ that ‘gift from God’ was now disposable and what was once a country I trusted began to be filled with more lies. At the time, the Hippies told us, “Don’t trust anyone over 30!” So who should you trust? THEM! All they cared about was sex, dope and booze. The past was the past. What they had was a lie which they called Freedom As time passed, it just got worse, and the media helped as time passed.

I would call your daughter. Tell her you will always love her, and pray. Just continue to pray that God will change her heart. Then take it as a given that God will move her. It may take longer than you’d like, but if she doesn’t sense rejection and knows you are there for her, you have done your part.

Just like the father waiting for his prodigal son. Pray and hope. Ask God for healing for yourself as well. I know some feel it strange to pray for themselves but this is a case where you should. Perhaps talk to a priest as well.

God bless,
Ed
 
In addition to the previous advice, I would consider paying more attention to why your daughter is willing to settle for a boyfriend who thinks so little of her.
 
I’m a young Catholic who fell away from the faith and I can say that there nothing much you can do (other than prayer) to change her mind if she’s set in this. However, I personally was living with my boyfriend for 4 years before I became a Christian. I then slowly made my way back to the Catholic church and got my own apartment. There’s always hope in situations like these, but she might have to learn these lessons on her own.
 
Thanks to each and everyone of you for replying to my post. All of your comments are helping me in more ways than you could know. It sounds like prayer (for all involved) is the only way to go.

bsroufek, I especially appreciate your reference to St. Monica, and Ed, your commentary… I kept telling her that SHE is the one who is old-fashioned, as recent data indicates that the “trial marriage experiment” of past decades has proven to be a failure. And yes, capcrack, I think you’re exactly right-- she will have to learn on her own (she has always had that type of personality).
 
When our DD did something similar, I had a heart-to-heart talk with her. Told her I was heartsick about her decision, it goes against our beliefs and what she was taught. That I would never accept it in my heart, and would be praying every day that she changes her mind. AND…this is the last time I would be having this conversation with her, so not to expect nagging or being given a “hard time” in the future.

I just kept the lines of communication open, prayed hard, and eventually she straightened her life out, thanks be to God. Be persistent in prayer (not in nagging!!) and trust her to God. I’ll say a prayer for you and the situation, too. I know it is so hard.
 
First, I want to congratulate you on your healthy attitude. You want to know what YOU should do as opposed to controlling your daughter. You seem to have a healthy attitude that it is time to let go which must be extremely hard for a father in you situation.

Personally, I don’t know if it would best for her if you wife did the talking but then again, you know the family dynamics the best.

However, have you ever explained to her that men who will not marry a woman are simply using her? Does she get that? Or in her mind is she perhaps using him? ie the security of a boyfriend so she doesn’t need to be alone?

I know you heard this before but prayer is the best answer

Angie
 
I’m glad you know how essential prayer is for you. I understand your suffering – I’m a parent too. Our adult children don’t understand that the culture has taught them to defy authority and ignore the wisdom and truth that their parents can offer. Stay close to Jesus, and keep remembering His constant love for you and for your daughter is inexhaustible. He never gives up on anyone.

Besides prayer, maybe there is one action you can take simply because you love your daughter. You can tell her about the harms of contraception – even if you just email her an Internet link about it. Most doctors don’t inform the women they prescribe birth control or IUDs for, which is blatant injustice. These contraceptives put women at medical risk, and they kill babies (when the “contraception” doesn’t work, the abortifacients kick in). It would be an act of love on your, even if your daughter might not immediately recognize it as such.

Here are some links you can consider sending to her:

Birth Control Pills
chastity.com/node/214

The intrauterine device (IUD) acts primarily as an early abortion agent by preventing implantation of the week-old human life. The birth control Pill makes the inner lining of the uterus very hostile to implantation. It is not known how often the Pill acts in this way, but it cannot be denied that the Pill may be acting as an early abortion agent in any given cycle in any given woman. ewtn.com/library/marriage/cclbc.txt

The Harms of Contraception
onemoresoul.com/contraception-abortion/risks-consequences/the-harms-of-contraception.html

Hang in there Mom.
 
“He has refused to make a commitment of any kind-- no marriage, no engagement ring. Nothing— except “free” room and board.”

Yuck. I think even a lot of secular people would be squicked out by this situation.
  1. Doesn’t she worry that moving in like this with no engagement is not a step forward in the relationship, but a step sideways or backward? I believe the social science on cohabitation has been fine-tuned, and it’s the non-engaged cohabitation that is the really bad kind, from the point of view of future marriage.
  2. If she ever voices any concerns about her relationship, you might want to suggest she post a question (or look at the advice given) at dearwendy.com. It’s a secular site, but women are often counseled not to do what she is doing now–moving in without an engagement, with no particular plan. There are apparently a lot of issues with doing this, as one party will see it as a step toward marriage, while the other sees it as a stalling tactic.
  3. Isn’t she concerned that she will have no rights in her own home if she’s there with no commitment and not making any contribution to finances? It’s a recipe for mutual resentment, compensating in ways that will harm a future marriage and advantage-taking. When you’re not married (and sometimes even if you are), this sort of dependent situation can really warp the relationship. It’s very likely that she won’t stand up for herself properly in the relationship out of fear of losing her “free room and board.”
  4. This may wind up being the most expensive “free room and board” she’s ever had.
Do you think that you could get her to go to even a secular counselor to talk about the situation, because even if she wants to marry this man, this does not look like a move forward.
 
Oh boy… I believe you are right to be concerned. But do not lose heart!

I must agree with others who have responded. The fact that a guy would want to move in with no commitment or promise “of any kind,” is lousy, even to non-Christian sensibilities, in my opinion.

And take it from me- our parents and grandparents were/are right! I was that guy, many years ago. And, looking back, I can be honest and say I was not seeking marriage some day, not looking to make any commitments and mostly seeking a convenient way to share a nice apartment with the girl with whom I was involved. I can see now that it was wrong, even though I treated her well and we stayed together. I know I was being selfish to even suggest it, way back then! And I thank God that we never wound up with an unplanned pregnancy! But for the grace of God…

At that time, my dear parents (both of whom have recently passed away) were likewise very upset. I regret what I put them through- as you must understand all too well. They first tried to forbid it but I was in my twenties and not going to listen. Then they (rightly) tried to get me to consider the reasons why I would want to live with a girl but not want to marry her. Had I not been far away from my faith at that time, this point would have made me reconsider. But at that time, many years away from the sacraments, I was able to wash those doubts away with more booze and move on.

Ironically, we wound up down the street from my parents. Imagine that! It was not our intention, just worked out that way. Looking back, this may have been the first answered prayer of saintly parents who prayed the rosary for their kids every night…

At first, my folks outright refused to come over. They would have us over for dinner, keep in close contact but never visit us. After a while, they accepted one invitation to stop by for coffee and cake. I fully understand they did not want to endorse our arrangements. By not visiting (for the most part) but continuing to have us over and spend time with us, they demonstrated that they loved us both but could not (and would not) endorse the sinful choice we had made. I believe this was a good move. Loving the sinner never requires or allows for accepting the sin- no matter what particular sin it is.

Years later, they would tell us how they prayed always that we would be married. Much to their relief, we were eventually married shortly before my mom passed.

Sorry for the long story. I just wanted to share that I saw the situation from the point of view of the guy wanting to live with a girl and not be married and I firmly believe it is a bad idea. He could never have the young lady’s best interests in mind! Also, I wanted to share how my parents decided to deal with it and what the (eventual) result was. There are no easy answers here. But I hope my little story gives you some encouragement.

Banishing me would have cut off their chance to continue to influence, love and witness to me. It also would have prevented them from getting to know the young lady, which may or may not be desirable in your case, I don’t know. They never changed their minds, or suggested what I was doing was right. While avoiding any kind of acceptance or endorsement of my sin, they remained in touch and would periodically ask if I had reevaluated my situation.

Pray, pray, pray! In good times and not-so-good! That advice really applies to every situation, doesn’t it? 👍
 
Thanks again to all of you who have replied.

Pax2u, I agree with your approach-- I should have begun praying much, much sooner. In my case, I felt that my wife should have been more proactive and supportive of my efforts… which resulted in me becoming even more “naggy” and anxious. She generally agrees with me. But surely I should have handled this better, as you (and Dodge pursuit’s parents) did. Thank you for your prayers.

And yes, Anglewannabe, it is definitely time for me to let go-- I’ve done everything I could, and my daughter is only a few days from leaving. Also, you’re correct-- the lines of communication have always been better between my wife and my daughter for most things. Sadly, she knows exactly what she’s doing, which makes this even tougher for me to accept and understand.

And quiet52, your advice to “stay close to Jesus” is a great reminder. As her father, this has been one of the toughest challenges I’ve had to face. After printing out, highlighting, and tacking Xantippe’s comments to her bedroom wall, she told me to stop giving her notes. At times, I feel like I’ve been nailed to the cross by my own daughter. Very painful. It’s time for me to say the Rosary again.

And Xantippe, very good advice-- I was at least hoping she would (or will) visit dearwendy.com. Otherwise, I’m in complete agreement with everything you (and so many others) have said. I tried to get her/us to go see a family counselor. I encouraged her to go see a priest with her boyfriend (who I now despise), and offered to get her some counseling (whether she leaves us or not).

I also appreciate your perspective “Dodge pursuit”. I’m looking at all of this from a guy’s perspective too. As I see it, he’s getting all of the benefits of being married (what guy wouldn’t want this?), but he refuses to put a ring on her finger (or back off from cohabitation). He, his family, and my daughter know we disprove. My wife and I feel so disrespected by all of them. And keep in mind, he comes from a Catholic family, who’s mother “goes to church every week”, yet, they encourage him to do this. Mind boggling. I suppose they would think differently if they had a daughter.

Two days ago, I learned that while my daughter was sleeping, he secretly read all of the text messages I had exchanged with her during the past few weeks (some of which were not very flattering of him). So, this is a big mess-- lots of hard feelings all the way around. But the fact is, my daughter is in complete control of the entire situation. I’m just as hurt and angry with her, as I am with him.

And this takes me back to the original reason I posted. In the eyes of the Catholic Church, there is nothing right about what she has been doing or is about to do. She knows the odds are against her but proceeds anyway. As previously mentioned, she admitted she would not move in with him, if it weren’t for school. So, it is quite possible that she’s using him for school (which is also despicable). My own flesh and blood doing this. I’m so ashamed.

For anyone else who is in this unfortunate situation, rest assured that good things can come of this. I know that God is working on my wife and I now-- increasing our faith; improving our marriage of 30+ years; and returning us once again to the Church. I’ve also done a better job of communicating with my 21-year-old son, pleading with him to have the utmost respect for his girlfriend and her parents, and to proceed with their relationship in the same way that my wife and I did-- through the Catholic Church.

God just raised the bar-- teaching me once again, that love must be unconditional… no matter how painful it is. So hard for me to do. Pray, I must.
 
“In the eyes of the Catholic Church, there is nothing right about what she has been doing or is about to do. She knows the odds are against her but proceeds anyway. As previously mentioned, she admitted she would not move in with him, if it weren’t for school.”

Keep the lines of communication open with your daughter and keep praying.

I’m so sorry you’re facing this.
 
It’s possible that this living situation will be mercifully short. Imagine the following dialog:

Her: Can you take out the trash?

Him: It’s my apartment, I’m paying the rent, I’m paying for your food, I’m working 50 hours a week while you hang out on Facebook all day, you take out the trash!

Her:

There are dozens of possible variations on this.

Either of them or both of them would have to be a saint to make this work.

If you can keep the lines of communication open, it may be possible to seize the opportunity to extract her from this situation, but you’ll have to resist the urge to say “I told you so.”

It sometimes happens that daughters jump into awful, unsuitable relationships (including marriage) just because they want some independence. The irony is that the bad relationships are in their way much more restrictive than the home environment that is being abandoned, but that sometimes has to be learned by experience.

Good luck!
 
Xantippe said:
It sometimes happens that daughters jump into awful, unsuitable relationships (including marriage) just because they want some independence. The irony is that the bad relationships are in their way much more restrictive than the home environment that is being abandoned, but that sometimes has to be learned by experience.
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Very true. Been there, done that. Thankfully, I never lived with that guy. I learned my lessons in that relationship. Sometimes we learn the hard way.

There is hope. Pray for her, that she returns to the church and leads a holy life that is pleasing to God. And for your own peace.
 
joseph300 said:
Hello everyone,

My 25-year-old daughter is about to move in with her boyfriend of 4 years, 5 hours away from where we all live, to continue her education.

He has refused to make a commitment of any kind-- no marriage, no engagement ring. Nothing— except “free” room and board. My daughter tells me if it wasn’t for school, she would not move in with him (keeping in mind that she could have easily gone to several schools where we live). My wife and I considered paying for her room and board (we’ve got 2 others in college right now), but she admitted that she would end up living with him anyway.

In my heart, I know I did everything I could to get her to follow the Church’s teachings. Now it is time for me to let go. However, I’m completely heartbroken.

Can anyone recommend a few books, prayers, websites, provide some advice, etc. to help me find peace? It’s time to begin the healing process.

Thank you.
Click to expand...
Being the father of a 19-year old daughter, I can relate. The thing you need to accept is that your adult daughter’s decisions are not your responsibility as if you sinned. Pray for her like St. Monica did for Augustine, among the many other saints who did similarly. I would recommend Overcoming Life’s Disappointments by Harold S. Kushner. Perhaps it might help you gain some sense of peace. Prayers for your healing and for your daughter to wake up from her moral nap.
 
Hey,

Just ocurred to me, while I (tried) to give you some advice, I completley ignored your very specific request for helpful books and/or websites! So here ya go:

The Power of the Sacraments by Sr. Briege McKenna

101 Inspirational Stories of the Rosary by Patricia Proctor

*7 Secrets of the Eucharist *by Vinny Flynn

Here’s what these three books have in common:

I read them, they are relatively short, they leave one with a good dose of faith-boosting and hope for the power of prayer, the Eucharist and the other sacraments.

As for websites, I would suggest:
Hang in there!
 
I know there have already been lots of very good posts and this thread is getting a little old. I just wanted to quickly add that I lived through most of my twenties in the fashion that is typical of the generation your daughter and I are in (I’m 27). As Dodge Pursuit said, I’ve been the very guy your daughter is moving in with! If the guy really doesn’t have any desire to make a commitment, that lifestyle will ultimately, always lead to unhappiness and despair. I can remember thinking in my college days, if this is the “normal” and “desirable” lifestyle, why does it always feel like I’m hurting other people through my actions? Why does it always seem so lonely?

If your daughter is like me, at some point she will realize that there must be more to life than this. That is when everything you have taught her will be like a light bulb coming back on and she will seek God again. Don’t give up hope. My mother didn’t!

-Mike
 
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