My DD is crushed -here's why- need advice

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my DD goes to a small parish school. this year she decided to try a sport. she really liked it! our school lets public school kids, who belong to our parish, also play on our teams. i’m not a huge fan of this, since we are paying tuition and sports are included as part of it…

but anyway, this past weekend was their final tournament. single elimination. you need 6 players to play. we had 7 show up. my DD was benched during the first round…we thought, ok, she’ll play next round. second round started. same players, DD still on the bench. we lost both rounds. game over. DD NEVER got put in to play. the ONLY one who didn’t play. she says that she asked the coach when she would play and the coach’s response was “When we win, then you can play”…the worse part for ME, though, is that a public school kid, who was allowed to play on our team and played in only 1 game this season, got to play (this child plays on a travel team also, thus the reason she didn’t play in OUR games)…

ok, is THAT what you want my kid to learn from you? this is a parish mom with 2 kids who also play. and, i considered her my friend. so this is kinda awkward. but i’m angry.

my DD is crushed. she cried all weekend. i NEED to do something here, i feel terrible for her- even I cried! but should i go to the athletic director, the principal, or to the coach. since we’re friendly, i’m not sure she’ll take me seriously at all. my DH is a coach in a different parish school and he said that at THEIR school they have a policy that ALL players play. how should I approach this??? i generally don’t rock the boat, and i’m not one of those whiny parents, so i want to be tactful…THANKS IN ADVANCE
 
I think the discussion needs to be about whether this is a recreational team (everyone plays) or a competitive team (not everyone gets to play).

If it’s a rec team, then you rotate players in regardless of their abilities and the game score, and there needs to be an understanding *from the beginning * for all students and parents that this is how it is done.

If it’s a competitive team, then the coach decides who plays and when-- and you and your daughter need to learn to deal with that.

You don’t always get to play. Not everything is fair. Not everyone gets a ribbon. Not everyone gets to be in the band, the play, the team… whatever.

I don’t think complaining to the school is the way to handle it. Your daughter needs to learn to deal with disappointment. And you as a mom need to learn that you cannot and should not fix everything. It’s hard to stand by while they are upset, disappointed, hurt, etc. But it won’t be the last time.
 
Sometime you have to rock the boat!
Sometimes your kids need to know you will fight for them.
 
1ke said:
If it’s a competitive team, then the coach decides who plays and when-- and you and your daughter need to learn to deal with that.

You don’t always get to play…
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This is true. But even competitive teams should set standards for their better players. For a kid to never show up to other games, because he has something better to do, or a better team to play on shows a major lack of commitment to the team, and an ethical coach shouldn’t allow that. Also depending on the age of the kids, the competition is more or less important. If we’re talking about high school sports, then it is understandable that there should be a stronger emphasis on being competitive. But if we’re talking about 5th graders here, even a competitive team SHOULD have some level of “everybody who is willing to try hard, plays,” even if playing time is not evenly distributed. It may be that there are teams out there at that level that don’t have those rules, but for younger kids, whose potentials may still be far greater than their abilities, and for whom very little of actual importance rides on the competitions, there shouldn’t be kids who are trying their best sitting on the bench for entire games.
 
First off, I feel your pain. I know how awful it is to sit there and watch your child suffer through something like this. The sadness, frustration and anger you feel…it is tough to keep and check.

How I would handle it would depend on the age, to be honest. The younger the age, the more likely I would be to go on the war path.
twk001 said:
my DH is a coach in a different parish school and he said that at THEIR school they have a policy that ALL players play. how should I approach this???
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I think this is the place to start. I would explain what happened to the AD (frankly, I would skip the coach b/c he sounds like a tool from what little you have said) and ask him/her what the rules are for playing time. I would guess that there is likely some requirement to play everyone in league play, but I would not be surprised if there is no such requirement for tournament play (not saying I agree, just sharing my experience). If there is no such requirement, then the coach should make it clear to everyone, prior to the start of the season, how he intends to handle playing time. I think at the very least you should be upset that this wasn’t made clear to you up front.

As far as the fact that public school kids who attend your parish are able to participate…I am not sure I would pursue that one. I do understand your frustration, and I can see how this can be abused by coaches looking to stack teams, but there is always seems to be a bit of an adversarial relationship between the parish school families and the parish families who do not send their kids to the parish school. If it were me, I wouldn’t want to stir that pot.
 
yes, we ARE talking about 5th graders. and she being the ONLY player who didn’t get to play, is really my issue. we’re trying to teach her about fairness, and being kind to ALL, and such…to me this taught her that ONLY the best play, and the fact that she was told she could play ‘when they win’ told her that winning is everything…FYI- our diocese doesn’t allow the public school kids to play, that is ‘our’ school specific.
 
Sounds like your daughter is in CYO sports which is competitive and is different from a Rec league. In tournaments, the better players will play, that is the way sports goes. Likewise CYO is open to all families of the parish regardless of whether they attend the school or not.
the better thing for you to do is help your daughter realize that if she wants to play in big games like this, she will have to work at it and improve. That is the way of sports. I have 3 kids in sports ranging from travel soccer to HS. My one son when he started out in baseball,
was at the bottom. He worked at it and through the years. As a freshman, he was one the varsity team and played every minute. he didn’t let the early disappointment of the first years discourage him and let him down. To improve, enroll her in some summer camps and continue to work. Remember Michael Jordon was cut from the basketball team in HS. Look at what he did latter on.
 
twk001 said:
yes, we ARE talking about 5th graders. and she being the ONLY player who didn’t get to play, on OUR SCHOOL team, while a public school kid GOT to play, is my issue…
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I have never heard of a public school student playing on a parish school team. First time for everything I guess. But I feel your pain, as a mother, and wanting to take the pain away for your child and feeling completely helpless and not sure what direction to take.

Is it a recreation team? Competitive team? Do you play in a Catholic athletic league of some sort and do they know one of the players was a public school student? I would think there would be rules against such practices to be honest and it could cause your team to be ineligible in league play.
 
THANKS everyone! i KNEW there was a reason i was in band in high school, and not sports. lol…yes, we are sadly finding out that the ways of the world are sometimes tough. she is likely already over this, while me…well, i’m not. i’m just so sad for her.

we’ve already taken upon ourselves the task of enrolling in a couple short summer camps for her-at her request- and we’re going to just look forward from here. hopefully next season will be a much different scenario!
 
Did she need to pass any tryouts to be on this team, basketball I suspect, or does your school allow anyone who wants to be part of the team participate?

Any coach of 5th graders that is more concerned with the “W” than helping his team develop the skills needed to compete at a higher level and a degree of sportsmanship is doing more damage than good. It ain’t the NBA for crying out loud!:eek:
 
ThyKingdomCome said:
This is true. But even competitive teams should set standards for their better players. For a kid to never show up to other games, because he has something better to do, or a better team to play on shows a major lack of commitment to the team, and an ethical coach shouldn’t allow that.
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👍 I so wholeheartedly agree with this, but unfortunately, I have found that most coaches/schools/programs completely give only lip service to tying playing time and commitment. Perhaps should should say something about it, but nothing will change.
But if we’re talking about 5th graders here, even a competitive team SHOULD have some level of “everybody who is willing to try hard, plays,” even if playing time is not evenly distributed. It may be that there are teams out there at that level that don’t have those rules, but for younger kids, whose potentials may still be far greater than their abilities, and for whom very little of actual importance rides on the competitions, there shouldn’t be kids who are trying their best sitting on the bench for entire games.
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Yes!!! My 5th grader is on a top tier competitive soccer team with and unbelievably competitive coach. Even when playing in finals game in huge tournaments, even the worst kids get time. Sure, it isn’t equal…but it is patently ridiculous that a 5th grade girl on a catholic school team would sit out 2 full games when only having 1 (if this is volleyball) or 2 (if this is bball) subs for both games.
 
My heart goes out to her. The scar from this will last a lifetime.

Similar thing happened to me. I was on the varsity basketball team and sat on the bench most of the time. But what was even worse for me was one game when I sat on the bench and with 8 seconds left we were down by like 20 points. So the coach gave up the game and put me in to play 8 seconds. I’m sure he thought he was being charitible, but it was more humiliating than if I had sat out the entire game.

And to this day, I have to work hard to forgive this coach.

My advice - it’s a teachable moment. Life is unfair. We need to offer our forgiveness up to God and ask for our hearts to be healed. We should never give up and we should work harder to earn that spot on the team.

Peace,
John Marie Philomena
 
JohnMPhilomena said:
The scar from this will last a lifetime.
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I think that’s a little overly dramatic. A life long scar from not getting to play in one sports tournament?

The OP indicated her daughter is “already over it” but that she (the mother) is not.
 
1ke said:
I think the discussion needs to be about whether this is a recreational team (everyone plays) or a competitive team (not everyone gets to play).

If it’s a rec team, then you rotate players in regardless of their abilities and the game score, and there needs to be an understanding *from the beginning * for all students and parents that this is how it is done.

If it’s a competitive team, then the coach decides who plays and when-- and you and your daughter need to learn to deal with that.

You don’t always get to play. Not everything is fair. Not everyone gets a ribbon. Not everyone gets to be in the band, the play, the team… whatever.

I don’t think complaining to the school is the way to handle it. Your daughter needs to learn to deal with disappointment. And you as a mom need to learn that you cannot and should not fix everything. It’s hard to stand by while they are upset, disappointed, hurt, etc. But it won’t be the last time.
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Totally agree. Two of our boys are in competitive soccer leagues. The best players play. Some kids only play very occasionally, and it’s common for the lower players to not play at all in close games. They have to deal with it and so do their parents.

Your daughter should approach her coach herself and ask what se needs to work on to play more next season, and then bust her buns to improve. It IS heartbreaking to watch your child “ride the pine.” It’s hard to see her embarrassed and hurt. But unless this is an “everyone plays regardless of skill” team, the coach has to make choices that will produce a win. He can’t worry too much about hurt feelings. Hard lesson to learn, I know - but such an important one.

It could also be that there is another issue going on. Does your daughter give 100% at practices? Has she ever mouthed off to the coach? Is she ever late or does she arrive without her equipment? Does she joke around at practices instead of focusing? These are all reasons a coach might “bench” a player.
 
It is hard I agree

But I agree too with that this is an excellent time to teach her that she isn’t going to get everything she wants in life, even if by all fairness it should be hers, ‘we don’t always get it do we even when we should’. We put the hard work into it and someone comes along and swipe it from us and claim the glory. She will meet that over and over again especially if she is a fighter of life.

So her first lesson is that yes, cry all weekend at home, or whatever it takes,but show herself in public as though she has moved on from the dissappointment. I think you be wise to do nothing with the school and encourage her to learn how to loose.

I don’t mean to learn how to be the looser but how to loose some. We win some and we loose some and in my own opinon there are far too many people out there making big noises when the loose a little, making it hard for those who need to be heard before they loose something major.

It affected her weekend. But she will in time learn how to handle that and walk away from the jibes in school and with luck they will learn not to jibe because it has no obvious affect on her. She has to make sure coach knows she wasn’t happy with his choice so she isn’t a push over. If you did it then he will just see you as a trouble maker and yes she will play each game but because you are another trouble maker mom rather than because she has talent to play, which is why some do play all the time, their parents are trouble makers and demand demand demand, whether the child wants to or not.

I am in favour of helping her to learn that life is not fair but we don’t have to be a victim to it.
 
As a retired teacher/coach who was an athlete through college I feel your pain. First, sometimes the best thing a parent can do for their child is help them discover their strengths and weaknesses and especially when it comes to athletic abilities not let them be put in a position to be hurt. Most leagues involving children under junior high age have “play” rules so that what happened to your daughter can’t happen. But, what the coach said should never happen EVER, and I am serious about that. I have coached all levels from very young through college and the comment made to her is unacceptable EVER. Please, make an appointment to speak with the coach and get the facts straight with them, they should be put on notice because I assure you if I was I charge of the league they would have a serious problem with me. But, try to focus on what your daughter is great at and help her achieve as much as possible in that skill. God blessed her with talents help her discover what He made her great at.
 
It’s too late to change the events that hurt your daughter and you. However, it’s not too late to avoid a similar occurence in the future. Someone – you, your husband, or school official – should have a private talk with the coach of your daughter’s team. High school students are capable of understanding the insensitivity of a coach’s must win at all costs attitude, but a 5th grader is still highly sensitive in nature. The coach must be advised of the hurt he caused your family. Was a grade school win really the most important thing at the moment? This meeting should be done charitably, and in private, but it’s very important to stress to him that the game will be remembered for a very short time. Hurtful memories may never be erased. It would likely go a long way to help if the coach would privately speak to your daughter and apologize for his attitude towards her. Even if he would still not have put her in the game, his manner towards her should have been one of a loving parent, not a win-hungry coach. Good luck and God bless.
 
When I was your daughter’s age I quit the ‘organized’ sports to get away from the adults. We had a huge network of friends and could get enough kids together for football or, baseball games, or a couple of simultaneous basketball games. Things were a lot better without adults getting involved. Less hassle, less drama and more fun.

If she’s dead set on playing in organized sports, she’ll have to learn to deal with the various personalities and approaches to games. If she can find some kids her own skill level though, and play down at the local park without adults, it will improve her skill and hopefully her love for the game as well.
 
englishredrose said:
It is hard I agree

I don’t mean to learn how to be the looser but how to loose some. We win some and we loose some and in my own opinon there are far too many people out there making big noises when the loose a little, making it hard for those who need to be heard before they loose something major.
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I would put it differently-- in any endeavor, we may come up short, we may not meet our goals. But there’s a worse thing than ‘failing’ or ‘losing’ it’s being so afraid of loss that we never try. That we are condemned to look at ourselves in the mirror when we’re 80 wondering at all the ‘what ifs’.

Your daughter needs to hold her head up. There were probably kids even afraid to try to get on the team. She is worthy of respect for her attempt- win lose or draw, play or ride the bench, she got in the arena.

Or as Roosevelt put it (and this is posted on my son’s door):

"It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat.
 
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