My DD is crushed -here's why- need advice

[Moore11]

I’m conflicted. The points about fighting for your kid are moving and I agree. But there is also the idea of learning from this.
Sports are not for everyone. We keep score we compete. And sometimes coaches are judged by wins and losses. So, what if you took this opportunity to work with your daughter to get better.
Teach her that life has defeats and disappointments and how to deal with them. You could teach her that mommy will always fix it, you could teach her to quit, or you could teach her to succeed. I would choose the Third.

 

[KCT]

It’s too late to change the events that hurt your daughter and you. However, it’s not too late to avoid a similar occurrence in the future.

I’m not sure it’s helpful to avoid disappointments.

As others have said, if it’s a league where everyone is supposed to play, then talk to someone about what happened. Or wait until next season and clarify expectations before the season starts.

As a former middle school teacher, I can tell you it’s not helpful to protect kids from failure, disappointments, difficulties etc. I dealt with many parents who took up their kids’ issues and thought they were helping their kids by constantly stepping in and protecting the kids from upset and disappointment. These poor kids have no coping skills because they’ve never had to develop them.

 

[Z1Z2]

As a parent of public school kids, I think the policy of letting public school kids play on the Catholic school team is weird. My kids could be going to the local Catholic school, but they don’t. Why would I expect my kids to play for the Catholic school? If we were talked a CHURCH team (perhaps a youth group type of thing), then sure. All kids can play (or at least, try out) But a Catholic school team? Not appropriate. I would investigate that rule and whether it can be overturned.

 

[Waiting]

I’m not sure it’s helpful to avoid disappointments.

As others have said, if it’s a league where everyone is supposed to play, then talk to someone about what happened. Or wait until next season and clarify expectations before the season starts.

As a former middle school teacher, I can tell you it’s not helpful to protect kids from failure, disappointments, difficulties etc. I dealt with many parents who took up their kids’ issues and thought they were helping their kids by constantly stepping in and protecting the kids from upset and disappointment. These poor kids have no coping skills because they’ve never had to develop them.

I, too, was a teacher of grade school students. I agree that there can be too much parent interference, and that children need to learn many lessons in life without constant parental protection. However, no one has the right to thoughtlessly impose mental or emotional abuse on anyone, much less a young child. That coach needs to know that he needlessly caused pain. His callousness is doing more harm than good. I’m sure he knows his position is first to help develop young minds and psyches, not to win a game. This child was a fifth grader. He should be told charitably, but he should be told.

 

[Aggies08]

I would have a meeting with the coach, and let them know how upset your daughter is. I’d then have them clarify if this is a recreational or competitive team, and how which children play is determined, so you can let your daughter know what to expect in the future.

If the child is old enough, she should have this conversation herself with the coach.

 

[JackieMom]

I would have a meeting with the coach, and let them know how upset your daughter is. I’d then have them clarify if this is a recreational or competitive team, and how which children play is determined, so you can let your daughter know what to expect in the future.

If the child is old enough, she should have this conversation herself with the coach.

Yes, she should. Coaches will respect a player who says, “Coach, I hated sitting out the last game. What can I work on to make sure that never happens again?” That will go so, so much further than a call from a parent (which will likely be viewed as an overprotective mommy trying to sheild her kid from disappointment.) Fifth grade is well old enough to have a talk with her coach about what happened.

 

[petitfleur]

If it is a school team then I am assuming it is not a competitive team. This happened to our daughter in rec soccer. We had HER ask the coach for more playing time. She is shy and it was hard but she did it. We told her to ask for more time and stand or sit next to the coach. In this situation the coach kept saying later and finally put her in for five minutes. (yes, I did time it). We finished the season and requested a different coach.

My husband is a competitive soccer coach he coaches six teams. Sometimes kids get forgotten, sometimes there are reasons for not letting them play. If a kid is not putting any effort into the game they get pulled. Same with bad attitude ect. I don't think he has ever not played someone at all though. It is always best to ask the coach directly and clearly than stew on the sidelines, and even worse start complaining to the other parents. That is toxic to a team. There are some parents that are total pains in the you know what, but still appreciate direct honesty over complaining from the sidelines. Your daughter can also ask what she can practice at home, or for tips on what she can do differently.

I don’t think you should be upset at your friend because your kid didn’t get any playing time. It sounds like they need PS kids to be able to make a team.

 

[robwar]

As a parent of public school kids, I think the policy of letting public school kids play on the Catholic school team is weird. My kids could be going to the local Catholic school, but they don’t. Why would I expect my kids to play for the Catholic school? If we were talked a CHURCH team (perhaps a youth group type of thing), then sure. All kids can play (or at least, try out) But a Catholic school team? Not appropriate. I would investigate that rule and whether it can be overturned.

This is a CYO team which is open to all Catholic youth in the parish that are enrolled in catechism of the parish. If a Catholic School has a sports team, it is CYO and it is open to all the children including public school children in catechism. Likewise, if a Catholic parish doesn’t have a team or has CYO sports and the neighboring parish doesn’t have any CYO sport teams, they can petition and join that team if there are openings.

 

[robwar]

If it is a school team then I am assuming it is not a competitive team. This happened to our daughter in rec soccer. We had HER ask the coach for more playing time. She is shy and it was hard but she did it. We told her to ask for more time and stand or sit next to the coach. In this situation the coach kept saying later and finally put her in for five minutes. (yes, I did time it). We finished the season and requested a different coach.

My husband is a competitive soccer coach he coaches six teams. Sometimes kids get forgotten, sometimes there are reasons for not letting them play. If a kid is not putting any effort into the game they get pulled. Same with bad attitude ect. I don't think he has ever not played someone at all though. It is always best to ask the coach directly and clearly than stew on the sidelines, and even worse start complaining to the other parents. That is toxic to a team. There are some parents that are total pains in the you know what, but still appreciate direct honesty over complaining from the sidelines. Your daughter can also ask what she can practice at home, or for tips on what she can do differently.

I don’t think you should be upset at your friend because your kid didn’t get any playing time. It sounds like they need PS kids to be able to make a team.

Catholic school teams are CYO and that is competitive maybe not at the same level as a travel team but you are playing other CYO teams and they do have playoffs and championships.

 

[robwar]

I’m not sure it’s helpful to avoid disappointments.

As others have said, if it’s a league where everyone is supposed to play, then talk to someone about what happened. Or wait until next season and clarify expectations before the season starts.

As a former middle school teacher, I can tell you it’s not helpful to protect kids from failure, disappointments, difficulties etc. I dealt with many parents who took up their kids’ issues and thought they were helping their kids by constantly stepping in and protecting the kids from upset and disappointment. These poor kids have no coping skills because they’ve never had to develop them.

yes! This is what I have observed in spending many years with my kids in sports. Like, I said in my earlier post, my son had a similar experience in baseball in the 5th grade. The coach wasn’t that fair and he was lucky to be in the field 2 innings of the game. But instead of complaining, we found a summer league which gave our son more of a chance to play and develop, took him to batting cages etc. he also learned to communicate with the coach his desires to play at different positions and do more challenging things. he in 2 years went from the bottom to becoming the catcher for the team. He learned to work hard at practice and then as a freshman, he played every minute of every game on a varsity team. Now, I’ve also seen parents do what some are suggesting here, go complain and blame the coach for being unfair. Now while at a 5th grade level and based on what we are told by OP, it seems like unfair but the best thing OP can do for her daughter is develop her sports skills, let her learn to work hard at practice to advance etc. The parents who go complain and do it constantly end up stunting their child’s sports experience not enhance it. Then when it comes to HS, their child will never make it. There are times to speak up, but it should be done in the beginning of the season where these issues should be clarified, not at the end of the season. Likewise, the sport’s handbook should spell out what is acceptable and reasonable for even handed play time. At 5th grade level, this is the time to do extra things to help your child advance in sports.

 

[twk001]

fyi- not a cyo team, this is actually our school team and the only one in the diocese with public school kids on it…thanks for all advice!

 

[PatriceA]

fyi- not a cyo team, this is actually our school team and the only one in the diocese with public school kids on it…thanks for all advice!

If you are the only team with public school kids, I think I’d be getting my hands on the rules from the diocese or the school itself about eligibility of players for parish school athletic teams. Are the other schools aware that your school permits public school children on your team? Its one thing for your child to not to get to play because there are better players on the team, its a life lesson, etc. But IF and I mean a big IF, the coach is using ineligible players to win, what kind of message is that sending to the children?

 

[Eastsideteacher]

If she was playing CYO ball I’ve never heard of any program that didn’t have a participation requirement. If that requirement isn’t meant, it’s an automatic forfeit and the coach is suspended for a game. If it happens twice, the coach is suspended for a season. I’m not sure what happened with your daughter’s team. CYO sports are open to the kids in PSR as well as the kids who are enrolled in the parish school. If it’s not a CYO team, these rules don’t apply and the requirements/participation rules are what they are. I coach several sports at various levels, and I can’t recall ever not playing someone at the 5th grade level unless there was a discipline issue. I’d ask the coach what happened but not in a “looking for a fight manner.” I might ask what it is your daughter needs to improve in her game in order to get additional playing time. If he doesn’t have a ready answer to that you need to find a new coach or a new sports program. At your daughters age the goal of her sports activities should be player development, not a huge focus on W and Ls.

 

[MomaMary8]

fyi- not a cyo team, this is actually our school team and the only one in the diocese with public school kids on it…thanks for all advice!

Let your daughter learn the lesson of not being good! This a life lesson that children must go though. Some people make wonderful bench warmers, and teach her how to do it with grace. Teach her to cheer for her team mates and revel in their successes.

So, would you have been ok with your daughter on the bench if they had all been school kids? Or do you still feel the coach would have been violating playing rules? Are you mad or jealous that this “public school kid” is better than your daughter? You need to decide what your real issue is. I have kids on our parish team but not in the school. The school is very open to us playing and its not because my son is the tallest on the basketball team. They are open to us playing because they know we are parish members in good standing. There were times that I had to defend my kids right to be on the team, but I was always vocal letting them know that my kids could out perform their “catholic school kids” in any catechism class they could throw at us. They knew it, too. We tithe to our Parish, and our parish supports the school. We also pay an extra fee to be a part of the team and volunteer like all the other school parents do for sports “duties.”

I’d get over your jealousy issues with the “public school” kid. Don’t blame the child who’s parents wish them to be a part of their parish and to socialize and play with other kids her faith. I think your parish is doing a good thing by allowing non-school families to play. Catholic faithfuls are every where and some of the best Catholics never stepped foot in a Catholic school.

 

[petitfleur]

What is wrong with just asking the coach in a polite non-confrontational way? There could be a reason. Even if it was a competitive travel team asking the coach if there was anything you can do for more playing time is nt the same as complaining, or demanding more playing time, or even saying you deserve more playing time.

 

[Anglewannabe]

This thread has gone on for 3 pages and not once has anyone asked what your daughter wants. If your daughter genuinely wants to play the sport, if it is a competitive team then tell your daughter she needs to work hard. If DD wants to play for fun, find a non competitive team.
This is really a time when DD needs to start to learn discerning. Is she only playing because in grade 5 kids on a sports team are cool and she wants to be one of the gang??? If that is the case explain to her doing something just to be cool is not worth it. This will make it easier for her to say ‘no’ when the peer pressure to drink and do drugs starts in high school. Help her find something she enjoys, perhaps a musical instrument and develop the talents God gave her.
As an unemployed person, I know all too well what it is like for the ‘Coach’ (ie my boss) to have been unfair to me and cut me from the team (ie fire me). I am learning to pray for forgiveness and to listen to where God is leading me. A lesson I really wish I could have learnt 30 years ago.
There is nothing wrong with guiding your daughter ie encouraging her to find out why she couldn’t play and brainstorming how to handle it. But don’t over do it. My mom was one of these people who wanted me to be happy. If I was not good at a team sport, it probably hurt my mom more than it hurt me. To make up for it, my mom made sure I had the best running shoes on the team. In her mind, if I had good shoes it would make it that much easier on me. Well…… it was just a humiliation to be label as the spoiled kid. All the kids who were the star players felt they deserved the good shoes over me.
As mom, it probably hurts as if there is no tomorrow to see your daughter suffer. But as a parent, it is best to give your daughter skills to cope as oppose to fighting her battles.

Angie

 

[robwar]

If you are the only team with public school kids, I think I’d be getting my hands on the rules from the diocese or the school itself about eligibility of players for parish school athletic teams. Are the other schools aware that your school permits public school children on your team? Its one thing for your child to not to get to play because there are better players on the team, its a life lesson, etc. But IF and I mean a big IF, the coach is using ineligible players to win, what kind of message is that sending to the children?

it depends on the sports handbook and they probably have kids from the catechism class that attend public school which follows what CYO rules are. Likewise, if the team is short of bodies and they needed a certain amount to be able to play, then the program could have been open up to the parish which is proper because the parish does support the school. Likewise, in a tournament or championship game, sometimes “guest players” are allowed.
I’ve seen this done in CYO and travel teams. I disagree with this but if there are not rules the clearly state otherwise then some coaches use guest players, someone who is good or someone who is thinking of joining the team next year. Again, I generally disagree with guest players because of the controversy like this it brings.

 

[petitfleur]

OP established this is a school team. Not a competitive team. If it is non competitive rec/school team then yes the kid should get playing time regardless of their ability. That is why they have competitive teams in the first place. My husband plays on a men’s league. there are guys there that are really unfit and terrible. They don’t tell them they cant play…they are just there to have fun and get exercise.
If a kid is not good at sports, or just wants to try out a sport, or just wants to have fun…they need a place to play like a rec team or a grade school team. If a kid wants something more then they should be on a competitive team.

 

[Moore11]

OP established this is a school team. Not a competitive team. If it is non competitive rec/school team then yes the kid should get playing time regardless of their ability. That is why they have competitive teams in the first place. My husband plays on a men’s league. there are guys there that are really unfit and terrible. They don’t tell them they cant play…they are just there to have fun and get exercise.
If a kid is not good at sports, or just wants to try out a sport, or just wants to have fun…they need a place to play like a rec team or a grade school team. If a kid wants something more then they should be on a competitive team.

The schools in my area are the main source of competitive teams. You might be thinking of “intramural” sports that the kids can sometimes get involved in. However if it is a sport where there is a winner and loser and someone keeps score there will always be some sort of pecking order.
Unless there is some sort of abuse or bulling going on by the coach or the players I have found it is best to let the coach coach. He may not even be a good coach but we all have to learn how to deal with that.

When I was a freshman in High school I was cut from the tennis team. The kid who got the spot was someone I had never lost to, he was obviously not as good and he lost every match. But his parents were the “right kind” of people. Meaning parts of the school were named after his family. I was devastated. The Coach was the school priest, he was rather rough when I talked to him about it. I had the choice to quit and not play or play JV. I chose JV after some guidance from my father. I won the tournament title. Then the next year we had a different coach. I made the team. Didn’t get the “spot” I wanted (the coaches son got that) but won anyway. I just kept at it. I was unfairly treated, coached poorly, looked over, rejected and it taught me some valuable lessons.
I learned so much from that experience and it was not because my dad stepped in or the coaches suddenly saw my perspective but rather because I chose to learn a certain kind of perseverance and way to deal with life. To me, that is the redeeming quality of sports.
the point of the story is not that I won a state title to prove everyone wrong. (I did) or even if you work hard you can accomplish anything. (you cant) But rather the point is that in life things are not fair, there are rejections and setbacks. It is how you choose to deal with them that makes your character a winning one.

however, that was 20 years ago. That priest has moved on to a different school in a different state, but every time I see him when he comes back into town I have this unquenchable thirst to wipe the court with him. LOL, Father has to be in his 60s now. But I would show no mercy! If he ever has the guts to pick up a racquet against me it will be a 6-0 6-0 absolute beatdown. So I guess there are some scars left from the situation.

 

[ChelleyD]

yes, we ARE talking about 5th graders. and she being the ONLY player who didn’t get to play, is really my issue. we’re trying to teach her about fairness, and being kind to ALL, and such…to me this taught her that ONLY the best play, and the fact that she was told she could play ‘when they win’ told her that winning is everything…FYI- our diocese doesn’t allow the public school kids to play, that is ‘our’ school specific.

I have a 5th grade daughter as well who played basketball for the first time this year at our parish school. (BTW - our school also allows public school members of the parish to play on teams, but AFAIK this rarely happens. The public schools around here have teams also.) At the initial parent meeting last April, we were all told that the 5th-6th grade level is a learning or teaching level and that ALL will have an opportunity to play. OTOH, the 7th-8th grade level is competitve and players will be used per their abilities.

One of the girls on my DD’s team felt she was not being treated fairly and was not allowed to play as much as the other girls. She (the girl) talked with the coach and told him how she felt and pointed out the “rules” that he seemed to be overlooking. (Her mom was there also, in case anyone wonders.) She got to play more and it became a wonderful moment for her to assert herself in a respectful manner. That’s pretty awesome for an 11-year old. (I’m not sure my DD would have done the same in similar circumstances.)

I realize it’s too late this season for your DD to do this, but maybe keep in mind for the future if it should happen again? Also, it wouldn’t hurt to have the AD emphasize the learning portion of the program with all coaches.