My difficulties with the Catholic Faith

[jonk]

Hubriss,

I have developed a negative view toward the church and really many organized religions, most likely because my parents and godfather continue to this day to bug me about it and because I had always been surrounded by it.

Your parents and godfather “bugging” you about it and the fact that you’d “always been surrounded” by it are rational motives for developing a negative view of the Church and organised religion as a whole?

To some of your other points. You would think that if there was a god and that he cared about our lives here on this earth and wants us to act certain ways because they will have definite effects on our afterlives, that he would make this clearer and more certain to us wouldn’t you?

He wrote His law in our hearts - He gave us a conscience. Certainty and culpability are linked.

I’ve recently taken world religions in college, and I like the philosophy that had come out of India and east Asia more than what came out of the middle east, especially Buddhism, like Zen.

Whatever your preferences are, Western philosophy has quite a good track record. It spawned quite an incredible civilisation. And it didn’t come out of the Middle East but from pagan Greece. They got quite a few things right. Christianity came along and married with Greek philosophy. You should study more of Western philosophy. Ancient Greek, and pre- and post-Enlightenment. It’s good stuff.

Since then I had continued to rigorously think about it, debate it, and study it.

It’s admirable that you think, debate and study. Don’t stop.

 

[jonk]

I should start off by saying that I don’t have any answers for you. I’m in a pretty similar position as you are.

I’m 26 and was a pretty devout, orthodox Catholic. I used to go to Mass every day, I’ve read all sorts of theology and philosophy over the years… Augustine, Aquinas, etc. I’ve read most of the spiritual classics: Story of a Soul, Imitation of Christ, Introduction to a Devout Life, etc.

Over the past two years or so, I really began to question why I believed, why I was Catholic, what difference it made. It started with the question, “why is God hiding?” I can’t see God and have trouble seeing any evidence of God’s existence. When I prayed, I never felt anything. God never “spoke” to me. I wondered if God was just my imaginary friend.

Like you, I’ve given up any interest in philosophy or theology. To me, it’s just a bunch of verbose debates about things nobody can ever definitively prove or disprove.

I’m not sure there is a God of any sort. I’m less sure there is a personal God similar to the Jewish and Christian conception. Even though I’m familiar with most of the philosophical or logical arguments for God’s existence (esp. Aquinas’ Quinquae viae), I never found them convincing.

I have other doubts too, primarily dealing with the origins of man and the relative certainty that we are not descended from one and only one man and woman.

I often wonder how I ended up where I am now. A few years ago, there was no doubt in my mind that there was a God and that I had picked the right religion. I still go to Mass on Sundays. I don’t eat meat on Fridays. I even pray a bit daily.

I don’t know where I’ll end up. I sort of liked being Catholic. The Catholic Church was the New York Yankees of religions. I wonder if I’ll become one of those “cultural” or “secular” Catholics that I used to detest so much who really doesn’t believe but likes having that Catholic background.

I feel a bit hypocritical. I can’t honestly say that I believe anymore. I’m a practicing Catholic but not a believing one. I’m a borderline agnostic. Strangely, admitting that to myself brought me a bit of peace.

Even though I’m at peace with being essentially agnostic, I sometimes find myself hoping that God is real and that God will restore my faith one day.

I respect your position because it seems to me an honest one. And you’re probably a better Catholic than I am too. Don’t give up thinking about things though, even if agnosticism gives you peace. The idea that something cannot be known at all is probably the least provable idea of all, though I think you meant it in the sense that you just don’t know.

Nevertheless, keep thinking, because if you don’t seek, you won’t find. Even if your conclusion is atheism, in my opinion that’s better than not knowing and waiting for God to hit you on the head with a frying pan.

Take care

 

[mahoneyt]

Theology is faith seeking reason, as a theology major I know what you went through. But keep this in mind, I could go long and in depth into each answer but rather try this. You don’t reason, gather evidence, or read books to try to understand if you love someone, you just fall in love with someone. Its the same way with God, theology is not reason seeking faith. I was an extremely “logical” person before I came to the faith (Catholic Church). No one gave me a list of answers to my questions, I found something that was there all along, God’s love for me, and In reponse I fell in love with God.

And In reponse to athiest arguements, in an educated 1st world no one wants to look stupid, but remember this,
“One will go to great lengths to avoid the Truth, so as not to look stupid to their peers”. That is what helped me to get past the “logical wall” I created.

Go With God,
Ty

 

[jonk]

God, however, is logical and reasonable. He is Truth and cannot contradict Himself.

Faith is separate/distinct from reason, but faith without reason can quickly dissolve into mere sentiment or explode into fanaticism.

Faith and reason should never be separated.

(mahoneyt, I’m not suggesting that that’s what you are doing at all. Just pointing things out)

 

[puzzleannie]

Hello,

I
To me, belief in the Catholic view of life seems impossibly difficult. It’s almost as if the Catholic God (assuming he exists) requires modern rational critical minds to run a sort of agility contest – like the kind you see dogs perform at dog shows – but one that almost none can complete. Why doesn’t he just make it simple? Why doesn’t he just demonstrate clearly that he exists and tell us straightforwardly what he requires of us? What is this woolly faith game all about?

My own suspicion at this time is that God doesn’t exist, at least not the Catholic God. But I am open to the idea that I may be wrong.

I am sure my compadres here will give excellent answers to everyone of your points. However you will not be convinced at this point by more intellectual gymnastics. You have done the studying, now it is time to start believing. You say you can’t believe (in part because you have accepted the so-called “rational” arguments of atheists, other mere human beings with no authority except their own feelings) over the clear evidence of God’s existence which is all around us in Creation.

If you are sincere in wanting faith, you need merely to ask for it and it will be given to you. You already have the initial faith you need through your baptism. Simply pray with an open heart, mind and will for the grace to believe and your doubts will melt like snow. Ask for the grace to love, and your fear of a personal relationship with Jesus Christ will evaporate. Ask for the gift of hope, and the existential despair which is the only consolation for the atheist will be replaced by confident expectation of eternity with God. Simply pray in the simple words of a child who is lost in a dark place, but knows his Daddy will come to find him.

 

[Malcolm_McLean]

Hello,

**If God exists and wants me to be a believing Catholic, why doesn’t He make Catholicism believable? **

The “Writing on the Moon” argument. God has actually given you a choice of two. Through fairly cursory investigations you can see that most Non-Christian religions don’t stand up to analysis. Atheism does, and Catholicism does too.

Secondly, how can I possibly believe in or indeed relate to and ‘love’ Jesus? He’s a man who apparently wandered around in the Middle East 2,000 years ago – in a culture, place and time completely alien to me. He didn’t write anything down and what is written about him modern scholars debate the factual accuracy of. I’m not a scholar or archaeologist and I don’t understand Greek or Aramaic, so how am I supposed to honestly believe anything the Catholic Church or mainstream Christians say about him? Furthermore, how am I supposed to relate to or ‘love’ him?

When Jesus wrote, He wrote in the dust.

This is really your answer to the first question. A good teacher doesn’t give a list of facts for pupils to recite off by heart. He may give a few fundamentals, but his aim is to guide his pupils into understanding everything from first principles.

There are no easy answers to moral questions, nor are there meant to be. In a very real sense you have to make your own Jesus. The teacher will speak only in parables, and not plainly.

 

[guanophore]

I invite respectful answers from more erudite forum contributors:

I fear that I do not meet the critereia of being an erudite contributor, but I do have an opinion about just about everything, and can be respecful in posting it.

**If God exists and wants me to be a believing Catholic, why doesn’t He make Catholicism believable? **

If Catholocism is not believable, how come there are so many Catholics? Have you considered that the problem is not in Catholicism?

1. 
   

   *]Firstly, I don’t even know that God himself exists. So what hope is there of me reaching a satisfying conclusion on the matter? I can’t. So I’m forever confused…

   It is not possible to ask this question (“does God exist”?) without an understanding of God. Where did that come from, the concept of God? Scripture and the Chuch teaches us that one who comes to God must begin with faith: Heb 11:6
   And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him." The path is not entirely rational. If the study does not lead from, or result in faith, it is not efficacious. I would say that, in this case, the faith to believe that God is, and that he is a rewarded of those who seek is a simple decision on your part.
   

   *]Secondly, how can I possibly believe in or indeed relate to and ‘love’ Jesus? He’s a man who apparently wandered around in the Middle East 2,000 years ago – in a culture, place and time completely alien to me. He didn’t write anything down and what is written about him modern scholars debate the factual accuracy of. I’m not a scholar or archaeologist and I don’t understand Greek or Aramaic, so how am I supposed to honestly believe anything the Catholic Church or mainstream Christians say about him? Furthermore, how am I supposed to relate to or ‘love’ him?.

   Jesus is alive today in His church. Therefore, I think the way you can learn to love him by loving his people. 1 John 4:12-13 No one has seen God at any time; if we love one another, God abides in us, and His love is perfected in us. By this we know that we abide in Him and He in us, because He has given us of His Spirit. Love also begins with decision, and should not be confused with an emotional sense of infatuation. Although it is the hope of all Christians to relate intimitely with our Lord with all of our heart, as well as the mind, it begins with a choice. One then acts daily on the decision to be loving to others, and asking that such action will bring us into closer relationship with Him.

 

[guanophore]

*]Thirdly, how am I supposed to believe that God wants me to be a member of the Catholic Church? It hasn’t done anything special. Far from it, the publicity it has received in my lifetime has been invariably scandalous, the history I learned about it in school was invariably scandalous, the Catholics I have met online and in real life have been uninspiring hypocritical and scandalous, and my experience of the liturgy, sacraments, and general Catholic way of life has been uninspiring and scandalous. Surely God would put more effort into the Church’s PR if he wanted me to believe in and join it?

It seems to me that your joining in the first place has significance, or at least did at one time. It is regretable that your faith journey has been derailed by the scandals and some of the dirty laundry in our family’s history. However, I think it is important to keep in mind that, although certain individuals have sinned and created scandal, the church itself has not taught or approved these behaviors.

*]Lastly, I’m a Catholic theology graduate. I went to Catholic university when I was eighteen because I wanted to make sense of life and understand my Catholicism more. I studied with some of the best Catholic minds in the world today. So, if I’m struggling as much as I am with these questions, what hope is there for the billions of simpler less educated people out there who are trying to think through these issues objectively? Isn’t God setting them an impossible task?.

For most people, the “figuring it out” is not such a stumbling block. Most people are looking for relationship and comfort, and it is much easier to step out in faith when one does not get hung up on thinking too much.

To me, belief in the Catholic view of life seems impossibly difficult. Why doesn’t he just make it simple? Why doesn’t he just demonstrate clearly that he exists and tell us straightforwardly what he requires of us? What is this woolly faith game all about? .

I think, by ourselves, the whole Christian life is impossibly difficult. I don’t think anyone can enter into it, or walk in it, without grace. I think the ability you have to post this question here is a work of that grace. Jesus did make it very simple. It is people who have complicated matters. I believe that he did and does demonstrate Himself straightforwardly, and what is required of us, as well. It is up to us to choose to believe it, pray that he will “help our unbelief” and act on the decision that was made. Faith is not a woolly game. It is trying to understand faith by using only reason that makes it woolly.

My own suspicion at this time is that God doesn’t exist, at least not the Catholic God. But I am open to the idea that I may be wrong.

If God does not exist, then what creates the condition of all us deluded people, who believe that what was written about him is true, and live by it daily? Thanks for a provoking post.

 

[JLM316]

Dear organist,
there are some great answers above which you should read and ponder upon, so I won’t add too much more except to give this simple advice.

sometimes you need to not make God an intellectual exercise, but rather consider your relationship to Him - For the Christian, it most begin being totally personal. Make it personal, from your heart, not your head. I’d recomend going out and renting the movie the passion of the Christ, and watch it carefully, read the subtitles and ponder about the things Jesus said about Himself - who He is - why He came, and why He needed to come. Begin there. With Jesus - for He is the heart of our faith - Everything we do as Catholics is based on Him - all of the motions, actions and creeds, are based on the fact, that God wants to love us, and wants us to love Him back. Focus on His perfect love for you. If you have a bible, read John 17 - the entire chapter is one long prayer, said by Jesus to His Father - and summarizes our unity in Him - through the Holy Spirit - this is the best way to understand Catholicism - it is all about unity - the sacraments, the single source of objective truth - it binds us together as followers of Jesus - Catholic is a term that came about when the church was starting to divide - the Church of Rome founded by the Apostles - tried to maintain that unity - and so it called it self the universal church - catholic means universal - means it is objective truth about God - ok I am digressing now, so I’ll stop - begin with your heart, watch the Passion, and read the posts here - take it out of your head - and move this into your heart - Jesus died for you and me on the cross in our place, John 3:16 - God so loved the world that He sent His Son… my handle on this site JLM316 comes from that verse - Jesus-Loves-Me and John 3:16 - you must begin there .

 

[teachccd]

I feel a bit hypocritical. I can’t honestly say that I believe anymore. I’m a practicing Catholic but not a believing one. I’m a borderline agnostic. Strangely, admitting that to myself brought me a bit of peace.

Even though I’m at peace with being essentially agnostic, I sometimes find myself hoping that God is real and that God will restore my faith one day.

In all of your readings have you read St. John of the Cross’ “Dark Night of the Soul”? Sometimes spiritual dryness can last a long time. It lasted fifty years for Blessed Mother Teresa. You say " I’m a practicing Catholic but not a believing one". You wouldn’t take a minute of your time to attend Mass if your inner soul lost God. Feelings and faith sometimes are understood as one but they’re not. When I’m in your mode of disbelief ( and most of the saints were at some point in their lives) I still find myself going to Mass, watching my moral behavior so as not to offend the God that I doubt is really there. That is where my “feelings” of disbelief overshadow my faith. God will restore your faith to a higher degree as you do not exhibit a total loss of faith. You’ve come to a point where God set you free. " My God, My God, Why have you abandoned Me" cried Jesus on the cross. That should tell us that Jesus had to experience everything that we do, even the “feeling” of abandonment.

My brother, I am leaving for Mass now and you will be in my intentions. Don’t call yourself agnostic. Yes, right now you “feel” agnostic and that’s your comfort zone in order to deal with this spiritual dryness. If that helps it’s o.k. but sit back, relax don’t force the issue and see what wonderful things God has in store for you. I’m not talking out of the side of my head. I know… May God bless you now and always, teachccd

 

[Trad_Catholic_1]

-Trad Catholic

Okay, so now we know what it’s not about. Now we gotta figure out what it is about. But seriously, that’s like defining a… newspaper as: Something that is not made out of aluminum foil, cannot be used to build a sturdy house, and does not sound like steamroller.

It’s about God.

Not that I’m too concerned with the intellecual indulgences as to the nature of God’s existence. It’s amazing how many agnostics suddenly rediscover their faith when death is near.

.

 

[Stella_Matutina]

God bless you for being so open and honest with your spiritual struggles.

I converted to Catholicism in 2005 and this is what helped me come to that conclusion.

1. There is absolute truth because as soon as you say, “There is no absolute truth.” Is that absolutely true?
2. I read Mere Christianity by C. S. Lewis which someone else already suggested. But you MUST read it. The book doesn’t even address Catholic vs. Protestant issues of denominational issues but it does answer a lot of the questions that you originally posed- such as how do we have a relationship with a 2,000 year old Middle Eastern Jewish carpenter?
3. Once I read Mere Christianity and rejected atheism and other religions, I looked into the history of Christianity and came to the Catholic Church.

When you go from a world where you are not even sure that God really exists to a world where not only does God exist but he is substantially present in Churches across the world desiring to be in communion with you… I can’t describe the joy.

So in summary- read Mere Christianity, pray (take the anology of there is a room in a house with a door, and you don’t know if someone is in the other room or not, so just knock on the door to find out, because if you do pray God will reveal Himself if He really is real,) and finally regarding the whole Catholics are just a bunch of hypocrites- we have room for one more!

 

[RyanL]

Hi, organist. Welcome!

…I felt that I was behaving hypocritically by continuing to perform all the externals of the faith while interiorly I was full of doubt and confusion.

Good. This shows you are a moral being with a conscience. That’s one of the logical proofs of God’s existence.

In recent years I have more or less given up mental pursuits of the philosophical and theological kind.

Why?

If God exists and wants me to be a believing Catholic, why doesn’t He make Catholicism believable?

He did. False premise.

Firstly, I don’t even know that God himself exists…

Most of the arguments out there are really pretty bad. If you’re principled in your study, it’s actually not that complex. That’s the trick, though: you have to have principles.

My first principles are self-evident truths and the rigorous application of logic and probability. With that, Catholicism is the only tenable position, as far as I can tell.

Secondly, how can I possibly believe in or indeed relate to and ‘love’ Jesus?

Here’s the deal. I think that you (like me and most of the rest of us) bought into the Enlightenment romanticism that sees love as a feeling over which you have no control. That’s what all the movies and romance stories tell us, so it must be so…right? Wrong.

Love is not about feelings. Love is a choice.

This is a paradigm shift for most of us westerners, but I assure you it’s the case and if you think about it long enough you’ll see it.

If you only tend to your spouse when you feel like it, it’s not love. It is love when you tend to your spouse and precisely when you* *don’t feel like it.

Love is about choosing. God uses romantic love to draw us into relationships where eros can be replaced by agape. Have you read Deus Caritas Est yet? If not, I would commend it to you now.

Thirdly, how am I supposed to believe that God wants me to be a member of the Catholic Church?

Simply put, here’s the process. If this is true, there seems to be little question about where God wants you to be.

It hasn’t done anything special.

Actually, it has. It started the university systems in the west, it pioneered several scientific fields as well as the fields of legal and moral thought, it preserved for us most of the documents we have from antiquity, and I could go on. If this is important to you, you should read the off-puttingly entitled book How the Catholic Church Built Western Civilization. It’s very well annotated.

Far from it, the publicity it has received in my lifetime has been invariably scandalous…Surely God would put more effort into the Church’s PR if he wanted me to believe in and join it?

Couple of things:

1. The Old Testament Jews had a pretty rough track record at times (idolatry, temple prostitution, etc.), but that didn’t stop them from being God’s chosen people.
2. God does very well with PR. Go to Lourdes. Look into Fatima. It’s the secular media who botches the job. Do you realize that the priests involved with the pedophile scandal constitute a percentage far less than regular society, and particularly vastly less than the teachers in secular society? Check out the data.

Lastly, I’m a Catholic theology graduate.

As a person currently attending a Catholic university and knowing some theology students, I say with some trepidation that I am not impressed by this. The theology students I know couldn’t tell you much about the Council of Trent and have a great deal of difficulty quoting the Bible.

Since Scripture and Tradition (which includes the councils) are the bedrocks of our faith, I’m disappointed to say the least.

So, if I’m struggling…what hope is there for the billions of simpler less educated people out there who are trying to think through these issues objectively?

Understanding is not a prerequisite. There will be no theology exam to get into heaven.

Isn’t God setting them an impossible task?

Nope.

Why doesn’t he just make it simple?

Repent and believe. That’s pretty simple.

Why doesn’t he just demonstrate clearly that he exists and tell us straightforwardly what he requires of us? What is this woolly faith game all about?

In a word - choice. Again, love is not about a feeling, it’s about a choice. Understand this and you’ll understand why God is “hidden”.

God Bless,
RyanL

 

[Titus]

My two meagre cents: I think believing in God is hard. But once you do believe in God, Catholic Christianity is the most plausible faith.

Most people tend not to go with the theological/ philosophical arguments. They have an experiencial view of faith. Faith requires reason, and that is supported by those arguments.

But it is essentially beyond the bounds of theology. Conversion experiences, miracles, rolemodels, all contribute a huge amount.

 

[teachccd]

O.K Organist… We’ve put alot into helping you sort out your thoughts but haven’t heard back from you. I know that others have been helped but just wondering what happened to you. Anyway, God Bless you and if you are still here jump in as the OP we don’t want to forget you…

 

[organist]

O.K Organist… We’ve put alot into helping you sort out your thoughts but haven’t heard back from you. I know that others have been helped but just wondering what happened to you. Anyway, God Bless you and if you are still here jump in as the OP we don’t want to forget you…

Yes, thanks to all those who have kindly taken the time to respond. It was with some trepidation that I posted here, my main concern being the sheer number of responses both private and public that I might receive. That fear has been realised to some extent! Nevertheless, I am currently reading through all your messages and hope to reply shortly.

 

[Jennifer123]

To those questioning, bless you. You have to realize that you aren’t here on your own accord. You have to realize you are here because of the Holy Spirit. We can not have any thoughts about wanting to believe in Him unless He placed that on our heart, so God, whether you “feel” it or “believe” it, is already working within you.

You may intellectually be very far from knowing Him, but He is within you at this very moment. If that weren’t true, why wouldn’t you be like so many other people who have very little interest in thinking about God let alone want to believe but are having intellectual blocks?

IMHO sometimes it is best to stop being in your “head” and start turning to your “heart”. Ask God to help your unbelief. Be patient but persistant in wanting the truth. God is simple, but the blessing of the Church is that it doesn’t pretend to have simple answers for complex questions. But then again, some of the greatest saints have been very unlearned people. Good luck and God Bless on your journey.

 

[redox]

I relate very well to your post. I was away from the Church for 35 years as I practiced the “easy-way-out” philosophy of agnosticism. Let me just briefly share with you some of the influences that brought me home.

1. I believe in an objective Truth. I always have. Such a belief doesn’t make sense unless you accept God in at least some form. So, I was start by asking, “Do you believe in objective Truth?”
2. I was ignorant about the early Church and the early Church Fathers until about 6 years ago. I was a poorly catechized Catholic for most of my years. When I learned about the early days, I was astounded. No wonder non-Catholics avoid them like a plague!
3. Much smarter people than I believe and are quite good at explaining why they believe. They have been a tremendous influence on me. I could recommend many. But, here a just a few contemporaries that are among my favorites: Frank Sheed, Jimmy Aiken, Tim Staples, Patrick Madrid, Marcus Grodi, Scott Hahn, and so many more! Read them!
4. Yeah, there’s a lot of scandel in the Church. But, there’s a lot in the USA also. I still love the USA because of what it represents, not because of what people are making of it. Same goes for the Church. Find some really good Catholics and hang around them a lot!
5. I am fairly well-versed in the physical sceinces, and the more I studied over the years, the more amazed I become about the real nature of matter, energy, and mathematics. I won’t go into the details, but it’s so astounding that I had to believe something bigger than the universe itself was behind it all. I have no fear of science. The more I learn, the more Catholic I become.
6. Finally, back to number one (above). It’s so important that I need to begin and end with it. If your answer is “no,” hang up your quest for faith and live it up for tomorrow we may die! But, if your answer is “yes,” continue your quest. If your answer is “I don’t know,” then I must say that I don’t believe you. For it is written on our souls. We either acknowledge it or we repress it. The choice is ours. Nonetheless, it’s there.
   I had to FINALLY admit this to myself.

Thanks for your provocative post. It got many of us thinking. I hope you post more!

 

[MTD]

Hi organist,

This isn’t one of the erudite responses you were hoping for, but I’m going to say it anyway.

I agree with the other posters in encouraging you to keep looking and reasoning. But I also think you’re right in abandoning theological and philosophical pursuits. The human mind is only capable of so much, and so it’s good to keep things simple when everything seems to get hopelessly complex.

Here’s a small story which I think fits the bill for keeping things simple but which also gives some food for thought. I can’t recall where I learned it; I thought I read it in Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen’s autobiography, but after thumbing through his autobiography for over an hour, I can’t seem to find it. I admit I can’t remember all the details of the story, but it runs along the lines of:

An atheist [Mr. A] went to visit someone [Mr. S] in his office. After the customary introductions, Mr. A noticed a globe on Mr. S’s desk. So he asked Mr. S, “That’s a fine globe you have there. Who made it?” [This was back in the days when such things were rarer and probably the work of craftsmen.] Mr. S answered, “Why, it made itself!” Mr. A laughed and said, “Now isn’t that stupid! How can a globe make itself?” Mr. S replied, “It’s far more reasonable to think that this small globe made itself than to think the universe made itself!”

Maria

 

[teachccd]

Yes, thanks to all those who have kindly taken the time to respond. It was with some trepidation that I posted here, my main concern being the sheer number of responses both private and public that I might receive. That fear has been realised to some extent! Nevertheless, I am currently reading through all your messages and hope to reply shortly.

When you tap into the core of what many of us struggle with in varying degrees, you are apt to receive a flood of responses. We need more people like you to highlight the many hidden thoughts that invade our quest for the truth. Every person who identifies themselves as believers, whether Catholic or not, had to discern what truth is, if it is absolute and how it affects their lives. Many have come to the point where they are comfortable and forget that we all had that moment where we chose who we are and what we believe. I know that personally I need to step back and remember that I wasn’t always who I am today and have to quit criticizing those who are behind me.

If you get a chance read my previous post in this thread and think about where you are. I responded to another poster with your similar thoughts. We are all on a journey and no one here is at the finish line. ( At least I hope not) God Bless and I hope that we hear from you soon.