My fiance makes our home a terror place fi

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Help2 said:
What r bad days supposed to look like in a healthy relationship?
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What do bad days look like in relationships?

A bit of an argument, perhaps someone leaves the room slamming the door, perhaps the couple don’t speak to each other for the rest of the evening, and generally things are made up and forgotten about the next day.

But when one person tries to manipulate and control the other, uses emotional blackmail, acts violently, etc. then that is not just a bad day. And when one person in the relationship feels unsafe as a result of the controlling behaviour of another, then that is very, very wrong, and a reason to get out as fast as possible.

As has been said previously things in such relationships are likely to get a whole lot worse after marriage, as it make it more difficult for one partner to leave, and the other partner will know that and use it as a further tool of control. Abusive relationships (like any form of bullying) are all about control. The abuser will actually enjoy the feeling of power they have over another person, and rather than feel sympathy to the plight of the distressed victim, will actually get a kick out of it. Abusers brains are wired differently to most other people, they actually get a kick out of seeing people in distress.
 
Help2 said:
BECAUSE I WANT ANSWERS! REAL GODLY ANSWERS!
Because im hoping someone on here will teach me how to know Gods Will for my life. Because i dont know if this Godly man is the man God wants me to marry. Thats WHY.
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Do you really think that God’s will for your life is for you to live in abuse and terror? What kind of God is that?
 
Dear, I invite you to reflect upon Pope Franci’s message in today’s Angelus.
You can find here:

news.va/en/news/pope-francis-the-church-is-a-house-of-joy

Courage

Profet Isaiah says that regardless of your limits, difficulties or weakness, God comes to lift you up, to rescue you because He wants you to rejoice.
Remember these words: everyday, again, everyday you can start again. Everyday can be a new day, a new life.
Courage, courage, courage, courage, courage, courage, courage, courage. I know it is hard but in God you can find the missing strength to take the right decision and start a new day tomorrow.

I am praying for you to have COURAGE and that in few weeks you will post again with rejoicing news. :gopray:
 
Well, I have to say I agree with everyone else who posted. It’s never going to be God’s will for you to be with an abuser. He sounds like a little 2 year old narcissist having temper tantrums; so why is there confusion? Leave and don’t look back, get some counseling so you don’t run out and find another one just like him. What concerns me is that you have a child that is being exposed to this sick violent man. At least you have a choice to stay or leave your baby doesn’t, what happens if this fool hurts your baby? Even if he does no physical harm to your child just witnessing the abuse is abuse in and of itself. Stop posting on here and asking strangers for advice and get some real help. Call one of those 800 numbers for domestic violence; you need some face to face counseling. They can help you obtain shelter, provide counseling, legal assistance, and it’s free! Well at least in the States, not sure about other countries. If you can’t summon up enough self respect and self love to do it for yourself, because I’m sure he’s probably stripped you of all of that-leave for the sake of your baby. No child deserves to be raised in that kind of environment and hopefully, eventually with some counseling you will care enough about yourself that you’ll feel you deserve better as well. Best wishes…
 
Help2 said:
We are not having sex. We do not share the same baed because we do not want to offend God. We share a house, spousal responsibilities and we share love through intimate readins from scripture and prayer. And he does not beat me up
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Actually, even without the sex the living arrangement you have described constitutes a scandal and a near occasion of sin to those who imitate the arrangement but cannot imitate the continence. You should never have started it.

He does not physically bruise you, but if a fraction of what you say about your feelings is true, you are beaten up. Don’t discount it because it is “only” psychological damage, because it is not. The cortisol levels (stress hormones) in you have to be through the roof. That is very bad for your health and very bad for your ability to make sound judgments.

Honestly, if you were married most priests would suggest a separation with the bond remaining until you can live without fear. What you are describing is in no way a holy situation.

I am not saying he is a bad guy or that he means you harm, but he *is in fact *harming you and your living arrangement is objectively well short of a virtuous one. Don’t fool yourself about that. Also, do not discount the possibility that he might be a wolf in sheep’s clothing: Again, whether or not he realizes it. If he is being dishonest with himself, that doesn’t make any rationalizations he tries to pass on to you into the truth.

Get help. Real live help.
 
Help2 said:
I wish and pray that i had the courage to leave or call authorities on this man to file a restraining order. Things have gotten worse. The worse part is that im confused and still question if the feedback im getting on this website is even valid. I keep trying to convince myself that the responses im getting on here could possibly be the enemy using others to destroy our relationship. He (my fiance) has told me that we are of Gods will but that Im allowing the enemy to take control in our home. Because i question his whereabouts, he feels that im accusing him, so he says i have no respect for him. So he gets angry that i disrespect him in that way. So he then blows up in much enragement and verbally assaults me and gets physical with himself, like banging his head on the wall. He says that IF I would take control of my doubts, then none of these actions would be happening. So with that said, he does prove a point. He says im the problem in the relationship.
I cant seem to think clear or make out what is real and whats not anymore. Someone please talk to me. I feel like im going insane. :"( i feel weary. And scared. He keeps insisting that we talk. So …i have tried only to be insulted, and intimidated by his aggressive behaviors. It hurts when he tells me to just shut up and listen. And no interruptions. I feel cornered cause he blocks the door so i wont get thru.
How do i KNOW IF THIS MAN IS GODS WILL FOR ME? HOW?? Someone please tell me how to know Gods will.
Like he says, relationships dont have every day as a happy day. Some days r going to be bad. So now i wonder if our relationship is indeed healthy but these are just the bad days???
What r bad days supposed to look like in a healthy relationship?
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Honey, there are bad days in any relationship, but you are describing is abuse. Anyone, man or woman that finds it necessary to bang their head on the wall to get another’s compliance is a nut and dangerous. If you are scared you need to get out. Also, abusers ALWAYS blame the victim for the problems. That way they have an excuse to continue to be abusive.

You need to find a safe house to go to, get a restraining order against him and kick him out. If he tends to be one that will keep pursuing you do yourself a favor: Change your name legally, find somewhere else to live and leave. You might let your siblings or parents know where you are, but only if they can keep their mouths shut.

The people on this post advising you to get him out of your life are not the Devil. He is.
 
The longer you stay with this man, the more and more you will doubt yourself, your natural gut feelings and your common sense. Even if you tell yourself, if it is meant to be you could have a break from it and it’ll be there even when you have the advantage of objectivity. Once you make the break though, all your faculties will begin to return to you. He won’t want to let that happen by the sounds of him though. You are going to have to make a plan and make that break and get yourself a support network to help you get through it.
 
I am sorry to say I have lived how you are living. As I reflect, here are the things I can say now with certainty about my situation:
  1. Living together out of wedlock is not “of God.” Period. Even if the relationship was healthy the first advice I would give anyone is to get out of a state of perpetual mortal sin.
  2. People with mental illnesses or chemical addictions are master manipulators. I allowed myself to be convinced that I was the problem, and that if I did the “right” things everything would get better. I then spent the next couple of decades losing my mind trying to correct things that were not were in my control. Bizarre behavior indicates a mental illness, chemical addiction or both. In either case the person needs professional care. Love cannot conquer all. Sadly, people with such untreated conditions are often completely incapable of either accepting or giving authentic love.
  3. Wanting to control me is not the same as wanting me/loving me. Don’t mistake ploys to control (abusing himself) as signs of love. What he loved was being in control. It had nothing to do with me. The threats, sarcasm, feigned sadness, etc. were not motivated by fear of losing me - they were tactics to maintain control, which was his only true love.
A lot of people have responded to you very thoughtfully and lovingly. Your fear, confusion and even suspicion about their motives is a clear sign that you are unable to distinguish right from wrong and you are in serious danger - mentally, physically and spiritually.

To help you refocus, let’s get back to one very basic truth (from the Baltimore Catechism): God made you to know Him, to love Him, and to serve Him in this world, and to be happy with Him forever in heaven.

How is your life reflecting this truth presently? Not at all. Your focus is entirely on a sinful relationship that will not lead you to heaven. The fruits speak for themselves.

If you put your eyes back on Jesus and do not take them off of Him, you will gain clarity, grace and courage to do what is right. It appears that there are many, many people here who will pray for you and support you, but only you can take the steps to free yourself from the bonds of sin and evil.
 
Help2 said:
I wish and pray that i had the courage to leave or call authorities on this man to file a restraining order. Things have gotten worse. The worse part is that im confused and still question if the feedback im getting on this website is even valid. I keep trying to convince myself that the responses im getting on here could possibly be the enemy using others to destroy our relationship. He (my fiance) has told me that we are of Gods will but that Im allowing the enemy to take control in our home. Because i question his whereabouts, he feels that im accusing him, so he says i have no respect for him. So he gets angry that i disrespect him in that way. So he then blows up in much enragement and verbally assaults me and gets physical with himself, like banging his head on the wall. He says that IF I would take control of my doubts, then none of these actions would be happening. So with that said, he does prove a point. He says im the problem in the relationship.
I cant seem to think clear or make out what is real and whats not anymore. Someone please talk to me. I feel like im going insane. :"( i feel weary. And scared. He keeps insisting that we talk. So …i have tried only to be insulted, and intimidated by his aggressive behaviors. It hurts when he tells me to just shut up and listen. And no interruptions. I feel cornered cause he blocks the door so i wont get thru.
How do i KNOW IF THIS MAN IS GODS WILL FOR ME? HOW?? Someone please tell me how to know Gods will.
Like he says, relationships dont have every day as a happy day. Some days r going to be bad. So now i wonder if our relationship is indeed healthy but these are just the bad days???
What r bad days supposed to look like in a healthy relationship?
Click to expand...
I’m starting to think there is more than one person in this relationship who is mentally unstable.
 
I’m not going to mince words.

By all means, stay with your abuser and wallow in it, which is what you are continuing to justify.

But for heaven’s sake, BE A RESPONSIBLE, LOVING mother. Do the right thing and call social services and turn your children over. They do NOT deserve this. From either of you.
 
SurlyMermaid said:
I’m not going to mince words.

By all means, stay with your abuser and wallow in it, which is what you are continuing to justify.

But for heaven’s sake, BE A RESPONSIBLE, LOVING mother. Do the right thing and call social services and turn your children over. They do NOT deserve this. From either of you.
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I agree.

Please don’t force your child to watch this abuse of you. And if your boyfriend treats your child the same way he treats you, please don’t allow the abuse to continue against your child.

They should not have to “take shifts” staying up with an abusive person. :mad:
 
ajecphotos said:
You need to see a priest.

You both need help. Maybe a relationship advisor of some kind.

You are clearly unhappy. His ways are making you unhappy. Maybe a trial separation would be a good idea. Move apart and give yourself time to think things through.

If he dearly loved you he wouldn’t treat you as he does.

God bless
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He wont make an allowance for a trial seperation.
 
PhiloMed said:
Why do you keep asking the same question and expect a different answer?
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It almost sounds like she is playing us. Getting a kick out of all of the sympathy she is getting from us.

If this isn’t the case, it is very sad that her boyfriend has convinced her that she must ask him for a separation. Especially since she owns the house, he is on probation and he is the one that is abusing her.

All she has to do is to call the police. Tell them that he is abusing her, and that she wants him gone. And he will be gone. 🤷
 
maryjk said:
It almost sounds like she is playing us. Getting a kick out of all of the sympathy she is getting from us.

If this isn’t the case, it is very sad that her boyfriend has convinced her that she must ask him for a separation. Especially since she owns the house, he is on probation and he is the one that is abusing her.

All she has to do is to call the police. Tell them that he is abusing her, and that she wants him gone. And he will be gone. 🤷
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Oh. She owns the house. I hadn’t read that bit. He’s on parole?? Good Lord. What the heck has he done? Was it for violence?
 
LongingSoul said:
Oh. She owns the house. I hadn’t read that bit. He’s on parole?? Good Lord. What the heck has he done? Was it for violence?
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The OP has started numerous threads. All of her threads are about the horrible actions of her boyfriend.

Yes, he is on parole. This is from her thread “Emotional and mental wreck.”
This is my house. Under my name. The only way of having him removed would be with an officer escorting him out of here, in which i refuse to do because he is on probation and i dont want him to end up incarcerated.
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No it wasn’t for violence.
He was a federal agent and slowly pocketed federal money which, in the end, summed to $80,000.00 (eighty thousand). He was interrogated and he plead guilty to save his life of being locked up for 20+ years.
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And then of course.
i dont know what is true or real. My mind is foggy and ive come to the point where i cant trust my own decisions. What if this website, in itself, is satan hiding behind a computer screen trying to tear my relationship with my God fearing fiance?? Satan presents himself in others to get what he wants. So with this said, how do i know if what ALL OF U are saying is Truth and of God or is it a deception by satan???
Im very lost in this.
Some of what you all say makes sense but how can it be of good when youre advice will uproot me from a Godly life? I dont understand
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Of course at this point some of us are questioning if this is true or real.
 
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