My fiance makes our home a terror place fi

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*Originally Posted by Help2 View Post
You dont know what its like to lay in ur own bed, anticipating ur enraged fiance to come in at any hour and kill you. You dont know what TRAPPED is. You dont know what it is to literally twitch in fear at every sound in the house in the middle of the night, thinking its him walking in. And then to realize it was just ur arm that brushed the quilt and thats what the “sshheechh” sound was. And then after realizing to still be shaking in fear.

Until youve been in my home, then you can SHOW me how to get out cause if i leave, who then will i depend on to care for me when im ill in the future, or when im alone with my child away in college, or when i need a busted pipe to my vehicle repaired…
Its easier said than done.*

Plenty of people, throughout the world, live on their own and survive.

From what you’ve said about him, you could be in an extremely dangerous situation, as there has been numerous news stories of men who have stated they’ll commit suicide, if their wife/partner/fiancee leaves them and then do just that - in addition to killing the children (most often the man’s biological children) so as to ensure the woman suffers as much as possible.

This man sounds unhinged, so you need to use law enforcement, which has been suggested to you on numerous posts, promptly. I recognise you may be feeling scared, confused and unsure but this is not healthy, and actually sounds very dangerous. I also assume he is not working after being fired and that too will add to his lack of self esteem, so any further rejection will hit harder. Get him removed from your home first by whatever means possible.
 
maryjk said:
At that point you allow him to leave.

Call the police. When they answer, “911, What is your emergency?”

You can tell them that your ex-boyfriend has threatened to kill himself. That you are afraid for his safety and for your safety. Let them know what kind of jeep he drives, and tell them that you want them at the house in case your crazy ex-boyfriend comes back.

Mission complete. While he is at the police station, change the locks and put his stuff on the curb.
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That is excellent advice.
 
It may help if you think about it in this way: God is our Father. He is a loving Father. Would you, as a mother, want your daughter to live with a man who threatened her, abused her, and made her terrified to live with him? Of course not! So, if YOU don’t want those things for your daughter, do you think God, who is far MORE loving than any of us could ever be, would want those things for YOU?

I understand that you feel trapped. This is a common phenomenon among victims of intimate partner violence.

Dear heart, there are two things you need to understand here:
  1. The violence is NOT, NEVER has been, and NEVER will be, your fault. This is HIS issue, not yours.
  2. If he threatens to commit suicide if you leave him, again, that is HIS problem. Not YOURS. YOU are not responsible for keeping him mentally healthy. Honestly, if he’s that unstable, he has NO business being in a relationship in the first place.
Some tips:
-Save money when you can.
-Call a women’s shelter or intimate partner abuse hotline while he’s gone. Call the Weather Network or something innocuous afterward so if he hits the redial button to see who you’ve called, that’s all that will come up.
-Try to get a kit together of things you’ll need for leaving him: clothes for yourself and your child, toiletries, important papers, etc.

Again, I reiterate what the PPs have said: if he threatens suicide, call 911. I don’t know what the laws in your area are like, but where I live, if a person has a diagnosed mental illness, is a danger to himself/someone else, and is unsuitable for admission unless he/she is committed (i.e. has refused voluntary admission), that person can be hospitalized as a “formal patient under the Mental Health Act”, meaning that that person has been certified by 2 physicians as needing treatment, is unsafe to be in the community, and has refused voluntary admission. Those certificates can keep you there for up to a month - and they can be renewed again and again unless the person appeals and wins, or the person no longer meets the admission criteria. You will want to check into relevant laws in your area, but I would be shocked if there is no way for him to get psychiatric care if he threatens suicide.

Bottom line: he needs help. You need to get away from him, WITH your child. This is not a safe person for you OR your child to be around. Clearly, he is abusive, and he is manipulating you with his statements about suicide.
 
Help2 said:
I wish and pray that i had the courage to leave or call authorities on this man to file a restraining order. Things have gotten worse. The worse part is that im confused and still question if the feedback im getting on this website is even valid. I keep trying to convince myself that the responses im getting on here could possibly be the enemy using others to destroy our relationship. He (my fiance) has told me that we are of Gods will but that Im allowing the enemy to take control in our home. Because i question his whereabouts, he feels that im accusing him, so he says i have no respect for him. So he gets angry that i disrespect him in that way. So he then blows up in much enragement and verbally assaults me and gets physical with himself, like banging his head on the wall. He says that IF I would take control of my doubts, then none of these actions would be happening. So with that said, he does prove a point. He says im the problem in the relationship.
I cant seem to think clear or make out what is real and whats not anymore. Someone please talk to me. I feel like im going insane. :"( i feel weary. And scared. He keeps insisting that we talk. So …i have tried only to be insulted, and intimidated by his aggressive behaviors. It hurts when he tells me to just shut up and listen. And no interruptions. I feel cornered cause he blocks the door so i wont get thru.
How do i KNOW IF THIS MAN IS GODS WILL FOR ME? HOW?? Someone please tell me how to know Gods will.
Like he says, relationships dont have every day as a happy day. Some days r going to be bad. So now i wonder if our relationship is indeed healthy but these are just the bad days???
What r bad days supposed to look like in a healthy relationship?
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I think you’re emotionally disturbed to put up with this. I’ve seen your other posts and it seems that you aren’t listening. No one can do this but you and you ought to see that. When he’s gone have the locks changed while simultaneously getting a restraining order. If that isn’t feasible go to a women’s shelter.
If he is that terrible why are you putting up with it? Don’t be a victim. Life is meant to be enjoyed but no one, no one, can make that happen except you.
I will pray for you.
 
Help2 said:
I wish and pray that i had the courage to leave or call authorities on this man to file a restraining order. Things have gotten worse. The worse part is that im confused and still question if the feedback im getting on this website is even valid. I keep trying to convince myself that the responses im getting on here could possibly be the enemy using others to destroy our relationship. He (my fiance) has told me that we are of Gods will but that Im allowing the enemy to take control in our home. Because i question his whereabouts, he feels that im accusing him, so he says i have no respect for him. So he gets angry that i disrespect him in that way. So he then blows up in much enragement and verbally assaults me and gets physical with himself, like banging his head on the wall. He says that IF I would take control of my doubts, then none of these actions would be happening. So with that said, he does prove a point. He says im the problem in the relationship.
I cant seem to think clear or make out what is real and whats not anymore. Someone please talk to me. I feel like im going insane. :"( i feel weary. And scared. He keeps insisting that we talk. So …i have tried only to be insulted, and intimidated by his aggressive behaviors. It hurts when he tells me to just shut up and listen. And no interruptions. I feel cornered cause he blocks the door so i wont get thru.
How do i KNOW IF THIS MAN IS GODS WILL FOR ME? HOW?? Someone please tell me how to know Gods will.
Like he says, relationships dont have every day as a happy day. Some days r going to be bad. So now i wonder if our relationship is indeed healthy but these are just the bad days???
What r bad days supposed to look like in a healthy relationship?
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Well if you want a GODLY answer look to Jesus and what he said. Treat others as you would have them treat you. Love one another as I have loved you…is your fiance doing this? Is he treating you like himself and like he loves you. That should give you your answer. Look to the 10 commandments and remember that you aren’t married to this guy maybe so is showing you what this man is really like before you marry him and tie yourself to him further. I would talk to a priest if nothing else. I don’t put up with disrespect or bad treatment from anyone I would be out the door with the first signs of it. Prayers
 
Help2 said:
I have no friends. And i am very ashamed to let my family see what kind of man i chose to take as my husband. My friendships were cut after i made him feel ignored and disrespected.he constantly complained when i was on the phone with friends or family. I, many times, made him feel unworthy by putting communicating with others before him. socialize with, i was choosing others before him. So as to not be a selfish person and to die to myself, i gave him what made him feel good; my attention.
THATS WHY im on this forum. Because i have no one to talk to. Because i was desperate and drowning the little bit of life left in me. I finally put it out. I have bottled this for years. Im very sorry if i have made anyone feel like im toying around or if i have offended others. I will no longer post as to not cause anyone to get upset over my statements. Thank you to everyone of you in every thread i posted, for taking your love and expressing it in Gods love for me. I will forever appreciate the compassion, truth and hearts that did understand me. I will keep everyone of u in my prayers. Much love to all. God Bless each n every one of you. Be it known, that i am visiting a 2nd priest to get a 2nd opinion. Peace to all my friends.
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Help2 said:
You dont know what its like to lay in ur own bed, anticipating ur enraged fiance to come in at any hour and kill you. You dont know what TRAPPED is. You dont know what it is to literally twitch in fear at every sound in the house in the middle of the night, thinking its him walking in. And then to realize it was just ur arm that brushed the quilt and thats what the “sshheechh” sound was. And then after realizing to still be shaking in fear. Until youve been in my home, then you can SHOW me how to get out cause if i leave, who then will i depend on to care for me when im ill in the future, or when im alone with my child away in college, or when i need a busted pipe to my vehicle repaired…
Its easier said than done.
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Your feelings are entirely common for people put into your situation. If you talk to the counselors at a women’s shelter, they will be very used to hearing a story like yours. It is tragic, but it is true–thank heavens that they are there to help victims get of these situations. They have experience with how to help someone through it. Not a few have been through it themselves, and have gotten past the very false sense of shame that you are suffering.

Go to a shelter and talk to someone. Tell them all of your concerns. Maybe you’ll have to kick your friend out and then sell the house–so be it. Whatever it costs, you will count it worthwhile to have ended this terrifying situation at the first possible moment.

That is what your life will be if you marry him, after all: Terrifying. You will not be less terrified or less trapped. You will be more terrified and you will feel more trapped. Even the practical problems of getting out will be more stacked against you. The way to find the strength to say “NO!” to the situation that is coming down the train tunnel at you is to get outside help to bolster your will to stand up to his. You don’t have to go through this alone. You can get out, and you can live and bloom and go on to help others who will unfortunately find themselves in your place. It starts with getting help.

Don’t be too proud to get help. Swallow your pride, reject your fear, go to a shelter, and find help. You can do it!!! 👍
 
OP How many posts by strangers on the internet will it take to make you make one of the hardest decisions in your life?
I have seen your posts and wonder, what is it that you will do? And when will you tell us? Or will you just start a new thread?
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
OP How many posts by strangers on the internet will it take to make you make one of the hardest decisions in your life?
I have seen your posts and wonder, what is it that you will do? And when will you tell us? Or will you just start a new thread?
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Yes, it is hard to watch her in such pain. She is as frantic as a horse wound up in a spool of barbed wire fencing. When she can be calmed down and find someone to trust, then the work of getting that winding, biting wire off of her can start. The main thing is that she finds someone to trust, that she finds someone who can help her breathe and believe. Then she will give up the kind of struggling does nothing to free her, but she is unlikely to do that until she can trust. She can do it, but IMHO the less waving of arms and shouting, the better. When the wire is taken off of her, then she’ll start to be herself again.
 
Years ago, on this forum, there was someone who posted all the time in this exact same way. The person would beg for help, give people bits and pieces of information, then respond with odd and insulting responses about all of us being of the devil or being jealous of her or wanting her relationship to end because we were not really Godly people.

Evenutally, the person stopped posting because no one would respond to them anymore other than to say, “Sounds like you are in a real bind. You are in our prayers”.

I am reading these threads and experiencing 'Deja Vu all over again" (in the words of Yogi Berra).

Look, you want a Godly answer? Yoy have been given a Godly answer. Do what you want and we will keep you in our prayers.
 
Either way… there seems to be big big problems here…

you need to seek real help… for the both of you…
 
robwar said:
The Godly answer is this: Stop having sex with someone you are not married to, having a child by him and then letting him beat you up. There is nothing Godly here. You need to get out of this now, call the police, call protective services and stop kidding yourself with these questions of it it is God’s will. It is not God’s will to have sex outside marriage, that is called mortal sin and mortal sin cuts you off from God. God doesn’t want you to marry someone who is beating you up. That is someone to get away from, not marry. Get away from him NOW!
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This!!

I’ll add, see a therapist as well. You sound emotionally and mentally broken down.
 
Help2 said:
He wont make an allowance for a trial seperation.
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So? Call your family to help, see a priest. Do this for your child if you wont do it for yourself.

Put your child first.

Your ex-husband, your child’s father may hear of what is going on and apply to take custody of your child. Act before the decision is taken away from you.
 
Help2,

There comes a point when YOU have to act. You can ask for as much advice as you like, but unless you do something to address the situation you are in, it is all pointless. Ultimately there is only one person who can sort out the situation you are in and that is** YOU**. You have a duty to yourself to do something about the situation you are in, but more importantly you have a duty to your child. What happens is really down to you.
 
Please get rid of him put out a restraining order. You should have done this a long time ago and please don’t have sex with him again I don’t care what he promises you need to be rid of him.
 
God speaks to us in peace, not terror.

You should know that seldom do so many posters here on this forum agree on something. But everyone is telling you the same thing: this is not a healthy relationship.

Please do talk to a priest. You need to talk to someone in person who is in a position to help you remove yourself from a toxic situation.
 
Help2 said:
You dont know what its like to lay in ur own bed, anticipating ur enraged fiance to come in at any hour and kill you. You dont know what TRAPPED is. You dont know what it is to literally twitch in fear at every sound in the house in the middle of the night, thinking its him walking in. And then to realize it was just ur arm that brushed the quilt and thats what the “sshheechh” sound was. And then after realizing to still be shaking in fear. Until youve been in my home, then you can SHOW me how to get out cause if i leave, who then will i depend on to care for me when im ill in the future, or when im alone with my child away in college, or when i need a busted pipe to my vehicle repaired…
Its easier said than done.
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I reread this thread and didn’t see this post initially. My advice is the same, but sterner. You have to leave now. This man is an imminent threat to you and your child. I recommend leaving immediately, head straight to the police, call your lawyer and get a restraining order, and get a concealed carry permit. Given that you are even considering marrying this person, you are in dire need of counseling.

With regard to not knowing what it is like being in this situation, I will not know, because I would never put myself in this situation. That’s part of learning self defense. Many people think that self defense deals with physical contact. That’s the last resort; the other part of it is avoiding putting oneself in a dangerous situation to begin with, especially one as obvious as yours.
 
you have gotten lots of loving, compassionate advice on this and other threads. I am going to be blunt, because there is a child involved in this mess. The abuse is not your fault. Exposing your daughter to the abuse IS your fault. If you want to live like this, so be it. As someone who has been where she is, I beg you to please place your precious daughter in the care of people who can offer her stability and safety. If you stay with this man and she survives, she will never forgive you for putting her through this. She will be paying for your selfishness for the rest of her life. Am I bitter? You bet. My Faith is the only reason I’m still alive.
 
Look.
Two Choices only.
  1. Call child protective services and have them take away your child. She does not deserve this. You cannot take care of her in your mental state. I’m sorry for the truth.
  2. Go to your nearest hospital/doctor’s. I don’t care when. Just go and see about getting a psych evalutation.
  3. Go to the police. Get a restraining order, have him evicted, whatever. Just get him out of your life.
Alternately if you go straight to step three you can skip step one but I don’t think you’re willing to do that.

Your other choice? Well, somehow you seem to have romantized the idea of your abuse in your head. Guess what? Your fiancée blows. Your living situation is really bad. YOUR CHILD’S LIFE is not good at all. So call protective services. Tell them you can no longer take care of your child, because you can’t. And then go back to your fiancée and marry him for all you care about your common sense, read happy scripture readings about what a good husband is, and then lie in bed terrified all night. Go chase him down with your car begging him not to leave. Feel taken care of because your pipes are fixed and your sicknesses are doted upon, and feel free to ignore the awful person who says we’re the devil living with you in sin. But don’t let your child live that way.
 
I wouldn’t recommend child protective services taking her child.If the child cannot live with the parents, I would strongly recommend having a family take care of the child if possible. I’d also recommend doing this through an attorney, this way the family member can have legal custody until the court decides otherwise.
 
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