My gay friend is putting himself in danger with random hookups

[Lara]

Maybe your friend’s problem is that he doesn’t love himself enough. Perhaps that’s why he seeks the abuse.

I would try to restoke his old interests, such as art or music. What was his talent? This will help with the depression.

Then I would get to know everything about Freddie Mercury so that you can bring him up in a conversation. Then explain how horrible it was that his life ended so early.

 

[Bruised_Reed]

Then I would get to know everything about Freddie Mercury

Yes! He’s an amazingly talented individual. Also, a cat person.,

so that you can bring him up in a conversation. Then explain how horrible it was that his life ended so early.

Not so much. Freddie developed AIDS because there was no effective treatment for HIV/AIDS. That’s no longer true. Also, people have a tendancy to avoid getting healthcare if they are scared of bad news; and LGBT persons face stigma when seeking healthcare. The higher rates of health issues in the LGBT community is due to encountering bias and then avoiding seeking regular healthcare thereafter. Not because they are LGBT.

 

[Thorolfr]

I have a coworker in a similar situation, except he’s the older man now. He spends weekends partying and living a crazy life even though he admits that it makes him feel awful and he doesn’t like it. I asked him why he keeps at it and he just said that that’s just kind of what the lifestyle entails.

I’m not completely certain what you mean by “the lifestyle,” but if you mean a man who has come out as gay, is part of the gay community, and has sexual relationships with other men, your friend is wrong to think that this must entail partying every weekend and hooking up all the time for sex with multiple partners. Some gay men do live like this, but they don’t have to. My partner and I are both close to the same age and have been together in a monogamous relationship for more than 20 years. And we’re not totally unusual in that respect. We live in a city with a large gay population, and some gay men live in the fast lane. But there are also plenty who don’t. They might have been out partying a lot when they were younger, and have decided now that they’re older to settle down with a life partner or spouse.

 

[ProdglArchitect]

entails.

That is your experience, and it is not his. In our area, that is apparently far from the norm.

I’m not trying to defend the behavior, I think it’s terrible for him and that he would be better off stopping altogether, but that is what he told me when we talked about it.

 

[Jimbo]

He says it’s because he can’t change his sexuality and thinks it’s homophobic to call being gay a sin

To be fair, being gay isn’t a sin. Acting out on those impulses is. Though I’m guessing he can’t separate the sex from the impulses; or his desires from his humanity.

And, from what I understand, sex out of marriage for a gay person is no worse a sin than sex out of marriage for me. The mortal sin is sex misused. I think that is sometimes lost on people thinking that a gay man having sex is somehow worse than a single man having sex outside of marriage.

The cross for gay people is that the single man can get married to the sex to which he is attracted.

 

[Willing_Spirit]

You describe my brother almost to the last detail. I am unfortunately not close with my brother, despite how much I love him. We just grew up with different interests and never spent much time together, and I’ve lived hundreds of miles since before he made his struggle known…

What I would want to do, if I could ever find an opportunity to have a serious conversation with him, is make him realize that he is not so different in his struggle as the world has him believe. We are all tempted by fleshly desires, and we are all called to fight those temptations. We all fall to them, and are called to confess and strive to do better. I want him to know that his struggle is not his identity. I want him to know that he is truly loved.

I hate imagining his thoughts and feelings. Not many choose the celibate life, because it is indeed challenging. To have it forced upon you is a burden I can’t imagine. I only wish I’d known before he broke, because he tried for so long in silence to ignore his struggle and pretend it wasn’t there when he could have had support. Now I fear that since he was never well catechized, this struggle will separate him forever and that he will only be resentful of the guilt he feels, thinking it is invalid.

 

[Lara]

I’m unclear how I can be so overwhelmed by society’s acceptance of the homosexual lifestyle-- to the point of having to keep quiet about my Catholic faith and beliefs for fear of being called a homophobe–and at the same time LGBT people still feel they are stigmatized by doctors. These medical professionals are completely immersed in the liberal view of sexuality. Every health pamphlet includes the LGBT community. (Every job application process affirms them. Every movie affirms them. Every university/government job caters to them.) How could an LGBT person even think he’ll have any problems going to a doctor? I think you’re perpetuating a myth from the 80’s.

As for HIV, it’s no picnic living with it. Most sane people would never risk getting it.

 

[Thorolfr]

I’m unclear how I can be so overwhelmed by society’s acceptance of the homosexual lifestyle-- to the point of having to keep quiet about my Catholic faith and beliefs for fear of being called a homophobe–and at the same time LGBT people still feel they are stigmatized by doctors. These medical professionals are completely immersed in the liberal view of sexuality. Every health pamphlet includes the LGBT community. (Every job application process affirms them. Every movie affirms them. Every university/government job caters to them.) How could an LGBT person even think he’ll have any problems going to a doctor? I think you’re perpetuating a myth from the 80’s.

As for HIV, it’s no picnic living with it. Most sane people would never risk getting it.

Doctors like everyone else are not all the same. Some are liberal and some are conservative. And it also matters where an LGBT person goes to the doctor. If they’re going to a doctor in some small town in the South, they’re less likely to find acceptance than if they go to a doctor in San Francisco. The easiest solution is for a gay man to find a gay doctor.

Also, there’s not much risk for gay men of HIV infection if proper precautions are taken. In addition to practicing safe sex, it’s now possible for someone who is HIV negative and at risk of HIV infection to take an HIV medication as Pre-exposure prophylaxis (PrEP).

https://www.cdc.gov/hiv/risk/prep/index.html

 

[esieffe]

You have every right to be concerned for your friend. Listen, that is dangerous even when your straight. Even going out with friends getting tanked and getting separated. Where I live, there is a vast amount of night and dance clubs straight and gay just a short drive from the suburbs. Woman and men get drugged and raped. I happens a lot.

I had a friend whose mom would let her son and his friends drink at their house as high school upper class-men. Not good, but we were not bar hopping. I went bar hopping A LOT from 18 to my early thirties, then I stopped completely. There were some fun times and some very bad ones. To tell you the truth, I feel lucky to be alive when I look back now. Today for me a wild night out is taking Uber to a Christmas party.

Warn this kid, pray for him… no one was praying for me, and let it go. Prayer is far more powerful than most people think. Seriously. As far as being gay goes, that in of itself is a huge cross. All you can do there is pray that he will pick up his cross and follow Christ.

Gay people I do think offer a different point of view that can have valuable insights into some things, But like all of us single people, they have to pick up their cross. They are called to celibacy just like any other single person. Life, I think, is a process. It isn’t easy, and it was never supposed to be after the garden.

Pray for your friend and all people who struggle with their crosses. You sound like a very nice person.
pax

 

[esieffe]

I’ll try that he had crushes on many boys only a little older than him but only likes sleeping with much older men, I don’t get it.

Maybe it because he never got approval, love and support from Dad. Now he is trying to compensate. It is heartbreaking.

 

[Thorolfr]

Gay people I do think offer a different point of view that can have valuable insights into some things, But like all of us single people, they have to pick up their cross. They are called to celibacy just like any other single person.

The problem with saying that gay people are called to celibacy just like any other single person is that while most straight single people will eventually end up getting married and will no longer be single, gay people are being asked to be single for the rest of their life. Until the last few decades, 95% of adults in the US had married at least once by the time they were between 45 and 55. More recently, the percentage of people who will still not be married by the time they are in the 40s and 50s (mostly straight people) has been going up, but a large percentage of those people are nevertheless not single. They’re in partnered relationships without being married. So, it’s a little misleading to pretend that gay people have the same burden as most straight single people.

 

[esieffe]

I can’t argue with any of that. Well except for my circumstances. I have a wee bit of aspergers, and to make a long story short, I am not going to get married. Add to that, when I have gone out and found people to date, they are drug addicts or alcoholics. I then try and fail to fix them. Going to al-anon. Not getting married, end of story.

Back to your point though, I agree there is the companionship issue. Growing old alone etc. What is the answer? What are your thoughts about it? Where does that leave a Catholic?

 

[otjm]

and I don’t want to lose him.

It sounds as if you lost him a long time ago.

HIV is real, and AIDS is real. So is physical abuse and murder.

You say he is depressed and unwell mentally, that is no surprise when one chooses intentionally to do what one knows is wrong (and I am not talking about “Daddy said it was wrong”. He has cut himself off from his family because he believes what he is telling himself; but there is a nagging small voice in the back of his head that won’t shut up.

whether you have a friendship or an acquaintanceship is beyond the discussion, but don’t be surprised if your relationship, what ever that might be, suddenly seems gone. the farther he digs himself into this morass, the more he will need someone to tell him he’s okay; when you don’t fit that position, it is likely he will move on.

And don’t be surprised if you find he starts doing drugs, as that at times becomes part of the “culture”, and it is a way to escape looking into himself and confronting the dichotomy. That rarely ends well.

 

[Lara]

And supposing your burden of chastity is greater? Does that mean the only answer is to drop it and follow the dark side? It’s no different than the burden of chastity on a Catholic priest.

 

[Thorolfr]

You say he is depressed and unwell mentally, that is no surprise when one chooses intentionally to do what one knows is wrong (and I am not talking about “Daddy said it was wrong”. He has cut himself off from his family because he believes what he is telling himself; but there is a nagging small voice in the back of his head that won’t shut up.

For many gay young people, mental problems like depression start long before they choose to do anything. For a 13 or 14 year old boy, just being gay and knowing that he’s different from the other boys and fearing that his friends and his parents might reject him if they knew can cause a lot of mental health problems all by itself before he has decided to do anything. If he’s grown up in a conservative, religious home, he probably already feels that he’s somehow defective and might hate himself because of it.

 

[Thorolfr]

And supposing your burden of chastity is greater? Does that mean the only answer is to drop it and follow the dark side? It’s no different than the burden of chastity on a Catholic priest.

It is different from the burden of chastity on a Catholic priest. A Catholic priest freely chose to be a priest with the knowledge that a lifetime of chastity and being single would be required of him. He could have chosen not to be a priest if he had wanted. But a gay person doesn’t choose to be in a situation that would require lifelong chastity and singleness. He couldn’t have chosen something different.

 

[otjm]

I have no doubts concerning that. My points stand; he is in a self destructive mode. How he got there is for his therapist, should he choose to find one; his seeking out abusive beahvior may be due to how he was raised, or due to other issues, but that does not lessen the risks of death due to another, directly or indirectly, drug abuse or suicide.

My comments to the OP remain; It is fine and praiseworthy to pray for the individual, and even to ask others to pray for him. As to friendship, that is a risky matter that is separate and is a risk to the OP should matters get worse; the feelings and emotions of self reproach (what did I do/fail to do/coulld have done better, etc.) which can come if matters get worse need to be balanced against any realistic assessment of staying in contact.

 

[JMMJ]

And we’re not totally unusual in that respect. We live in a city with a large gay population, and some gay men live in the fast lane. But there are also plenty who don’t. They might have been out partying a lot when they were younger, and have decided now that they’re older to settle down with a life partner or spouse.

Just like many heterosexuals.

 

[Lara]

People with diabetes carry a cross not of their choosing. Similarly, you carry a cross.

I have heard of some gays who have been able to leave their former lifestyles. Some are still plagued by obsessive same sex attraction, but some become free of it. Hopefully, the friend in the original post will become free.

 

[sainteriksrose]

Random sex with strangers is a problem with many young people thanks to the permissiveness of our lax culture…

We have to pray for everyone anyway, but imo moreso now than ever because many older adults don’t even know how to handle what they aka society has allowed. We CAN 180, but at this point the roots of “safe sex” aka wanton permissiveness are deeply ingrained in our youth.