My girlfriend cheated

[TheRealJuliane]

Nope, she was seeing him in the first place, then she was “under the blankets,” and even allowed him to perform a sexual act?? I don’t think it matters so much that she stopped him, even if that is the truth. Who knows?

Sorry, I’m with the others. Time to let her go.

By the way, you are 19 - is she?

 

[PCalungsod]

11 months. And it was with her ex bf… like he was over her house with her and her sister because they are all friends. And he like was fingering her under the blankets. And it she didn’t make him stop until he has already been doing it for a mintue or 2… but she did stop him. And I know she feels bad about it. And she loves me. I just don’t understand why it would take her a mintue to stop him… and I know I’m supposed to forgive but its hard. And I’m 19 by the way.

OMG, sorry to hear that. By the way I’m 19 too, so I can say that I can relate. All I can say is talk to her. Tell her what you feel about it. And then, give her time to verbalize/share everything: how it happened, what had happened, why did it happen. Then perhaps take time to ask yourselves: is it really love that makes us together or is it just merely physical attraction and stuff?..

Oh yeah, give her a second chance. We all deserve that, for we all commit mistakes. If this things happens again however, then maybe it’s time to think if you really are “meant for each other”. Who knows, maybe there’s someone better than her that God plans for you to meet later on.

 

[CPC]

As mentioned before, forgive and communicate. I recommend you both join the Angelic Warfare Confraternity angelicwarfareconfraternity.org/

 

[choliks]

Aside from the advice posted above about forgiving and letting go, here’s another option:

First, you forgive her. Then the both of you sit down and talk. Communicate. If you want to give her another chance, and if you both want to make it work you have to talk and set conditions: one of which is to make her realize that you she has earn back your trust.

If all this fails, you have the advice posted above as your recourse.

Furthermore, I ask these questions: how many times have we failed and betrayed our Lord? And how many times has He restored us and our relationship with Him?

Of course, people will say: “… but He is Jesus Christ, and I am only human.” Aren’t we all called to be like Him (or at least strive)?"

 

[underacloud]

Okay, major red flag if your girlfriend of 11 months is under a blanket with anyone. Then, if she is under a blanket with her ex. You give her too much credit, she shouldn’t have stopped him after a couple of minutes (her story by the way) because it never should have been happening. She feels bad because she should feel bad.

I am not so sure she loves you or she wouldn’t be doing any of what she was doing.

Forgive her for her cheating if you can, but break it off. You are too young for this kind of treatment. There are plenty of girls that wouldn’t do what she did. Don’t be a doormat.

She shouldn’t even be behaving that way with you! Time to call it off.

A clean cut heals faster, by the way.

This covers it pretty well.

Ask yourself, if you choose to stay with her, could you ever trust her again? Can you contemplate marrying someone who you’d always have this niggling doubt over?

At 19 years of age, you have many years to get to know and date nice women who may turn out to be suitable potential spouses. Don’t waste your time with people who are not trustworthy and who engage in inappropriate sexual conduct (and especially when these two things go together!).

 

[R_C]

Sometimes our disordered passions can be like a strong hand holding on to us, especially when we have not broken free of all chains…I don’t personally mean to hurt or betray the Lord when I sin, but sometimes it just happens…I don’t have any advice because personally I do not know what I would do. But I think we should always be charitable and understanding, regardless of the next step you decide to take…after all, you don’t know what moved her and if you’d have done even worse in her shoes. Accidents like this test our love, which is not just a matter of (variable) feelings but also an act of our will, and they can sometimes go a long way into building a stronger bound of trust based on communication without fear (though, mind you, she must be well-aware of just how much she hurt you, it’s no charity to make it look like nothing happened).

I offer you a little prayer through the intercession of Our Lady, that God may cast light in your mind and her mind to discern what is the next step and if your relationship is moving patiently towards the sacred bond of matrimony or away from it.

 

[underacloud]

Oh yeah, give her a second chance. We all deserve that, for we all commit mistakes. If this things happens again however, then maybe it’s time to think if you really are “meant for each other”. Who knows, maybe there’s someone better than her that God plans for you to meet later on.

If it happens again, the consequences could be dire! If he continues in this relationship and it leads to marriage, it’s then too late to determine whether they are meant for each other. He’ll have a failed marriage and the desparate hope of getting it annulled if he wants to even entertain the thought of entering another relationship ever again.

The stakes are high, and this is a massive red flag.

 

[mdleagedguy]

Dude, this is a huge red flag. It doesn’t matter if you think you love her. There is a HUGE probability she will break your heart. You are setting yourself up for trouble later if you continue to see this woman. Love is a two way street. You deserve someone who is willing to commit to you, not someone who is willing to cheat on you. If you are not getting back the level of commitment that you are giving, it’s time to cut her loose. If you don’t you are letting her know that she can do this sort of thing again without consequences. She is more likely to do it again, and you will be the one to suffer. Don’t put yourself in that position.

If someone says “What would Jesus do?” I would answer that Jesus did not marry, and Jesus indicated that adultery was the only ground for divorce. When discerning whether a person is a suitable marriage partner, we go off of their behavior. Their behavior today is an indicator of future behavior. If you hit her, she would be right to break it off because that’s an indicator that you would be an abusive husband. She has indicated she is willing to commit adultery. That is an important message that you need to act on because it is indicative of future behavior. Now is the time to end the relationship rather than letting the wound fester and hurt you even more.

 

[Delaine75]

Bottom line: a person doesn’t just cheat without consciously making the effort to do it. So her comment about not meaning to is untrue. It is a cop-out. I’m sure she probably does feel guilty but it doesn’t sound like a sincere apology if she’s trying to downplay what she did. Cheating is cheating, period, whether it’s “a minute or two” (?) or six months. You deserve better. Maybe there are people who can change for the better and never do it again, but in my own personal experience with cheaters, once they cheat, it’s easier for them to do it again.

My prayers are with you.

 

[benjammin]

11 months. And it was with her ex bf… like he was over her house with her and her sister because they are all friends. And he like was fingering her under the blankets. And it she didn’t make him stop until he has already been doing it for a mintue or 2… but she did stop him. And I know she feels bad about it. And she loves me. I just don’t understand why it would take her a mintue to stop him… and I know I’m supposed to forgive but its hard. And I’m 19 by the way.

So what she feels bad. If you stay with her you’ll just get played. She may be nice and say she loves you, but if she makes mistakes, dump her now before you marry her and can’t leave her

 

[latingirl]

Forgive her and stay with her on the condition that she stops seeing her ex. If she refuses to stop seeing him, break it off.

 

[enbell]

"You are discerning marriage. This is a HUGE, MASSIVE red flag.

Run in the opposite direction and don’t look back. "

this!!

 

[PCalungsod]

If it happens again, the consequences could be dire! If he continues in this relationship and it leads to marriage, it’s then too late to determine whether they are meant for each other. He’ll have a failed marriage and the desparate hope of getting it annulled if he wants to even entertain the thought of entering another relationship ever again.

The stakes are high, and this is a massive red flag.

Underacloud, it doesn’t mean that if a person has a bf or gf, they would end up being together, as in marriage. There’s always a getting to know each other stage. We’re not there personally to see what really happened, so I say forgiving the girl is not bad idea at all, especially if it just happen once. The next time, ofcourse it’s better to break up with her.

 

[underacloud]

Underacloud, it doesn’t mean that if a person has a bf or gf, they would end up being together, as in marriage. There’s always a getting to know each other stage. We’re not there personally to see what really happened, so I say forgiving the girl is not bad idea at all, especially if it just happen once. The next time, ofcourse it’s better to break up with her.

Dating, or being bf-gf, is part of the process of discerning marriage. I believe firmly that you don’t date someone unless you have marriage as the ultimate (potential) objective, and once you know they’re not a suitable spouse, it’s time to move on. The getting to know you stage has shown a terrible character flaw (in fact, two flaws) in this case. In my opinion, this girl has demonstrated that she is not a good potential spouse for our OP.

And, as I said, next time may be too late!

This is only my opinion (my firm opinion, mind you) and the OP will have to make the decision he feels is best for him.

 

[Patavium]

Your girlfriend should not be under the covers with ANY man. She IS your girlfriend.

 

[choliks]

Underacloud, it doesn’t mean that if a person has a bf or gf, they would end up being together, as in marriage. There’s always a getting to know each other stage. We’re not there personally to see what really happened, so I say forgiving the girl is not bad idea at all, especially if it just happen once. The next time, ofcourse it’s better to break up with her.

I don’t think you’ll see undercloud eye to eye, kabayan, as their culture and perception of dating is different than ours. Both of your words will just fly past each other.

 

[KostyaJMJ]

You should never ever ever ever get back together.

Like ever.

 

[Groo]

How do you know it was only for a minute or two? Did she time it? You are not getting the whole story.

And she is a good looking lady, so everybody loves her.

If you stay, she will not respect you. And you will get to be the safe patsy while she fools around with guys she is attracted to.

Do what others suggest; run away as fast as you can.

 

[PCalungsod]

Dating, or being bf-gf, is part of the process of discerning marriage. I believe firmly that you don’t date someone unless you have marriage as the ultimate (potential) objective, and once you know they’re not a suitable spouse, it’s time to move on. The getting to know you stage has shown a terrible character flaw (in fact, two flaws) in this case. In my opinion, this girl has demonstrated that she is not a good potential spouse for our OP.

And, as I said, next time may be too late!

This is only my opinion (my firm opinion, mind you) and the OP will have to make the decision he feels is best for him.

Undercloud, maybe there’s some cultural differences that’s occurring in here, as a poster suggests. I understand your point that next time may be too late, but we should put into consideration the fact that they’re just on the dating stage/being bf-gf as stated in the OP. There are a lot of opportunity during this stage for couples to know each other and discern whether or not your partner is a potential husband or wife. There are two probabilities (or possibilities) in this stage though: 1) couples will end up together (as you were saying) and 2) they might broke up and end up as friends or something. In order to arrive at any of this couples will ofcourse undergone on the get to know you stage will they’re still not married. Sometimes if not most of the time (depending on the person), one mistake does not end up the bf-gf status of two people because there are MANY possibilities that guarantee that a person may change and compensate on whatever he or she has done (something that people do consider most of the time because they have trust and they “love” each other “in spite of” what has been done). Hence, I said that maybe he can forgive the girl (not saying “forgive and do nothing”; ofcourse, being an observant and careful in discerning would be a thing to consider).
Secondly, we don’t know the side of the girl in this case. We don’t know the reason for her to do such. Like, is there something that the OP has failed/lack of doing that made her cheat, like maybe she needs time or attention (or communication). Not saying though that what she did is right or that I’m with her. All I’m saying is that we should have the both sides before we conclude that she isn’t the “right woman” for him to marry (who knows but the OP and God alone). And to me, the most neutral response is to give the girl a chance, considering the feelings of the OP and the possibility/probability that the girl will change. The thing that only the OP can discern.
Thirdly, if I am in that girl’s shoes. Let’s say that I cheated on my gf. I realized what I did was wrong and I apologized (and I’m serious on my apology, and is not thinking of doing it again). Then my girl said “No” inspite of the genuinity of my apology. Don’t I deserve a second chance? That would not be the case if the girl doesn’t love or trust me anymore. A loving relationship is always two way. In the OP’s case, I think the love and trust is still there on both of them so why not give it a shot if (for example) that the love and trust is still there. And yeah, Jesus as well as the Church says to forgive those who erred us. Doesn’t that include the girl of the OP?

 

[PCalungsod]

To me it’s just that I put everything into perspective (what the OP feels and the fact that the girl apologized; she could have kept it all to herself and continue having an affair with the other guy even if she has a bf) since I don’t know the whole story and I do not know both the guy who posted the OP and the girl being talked about. So I think it’s neutral to say “forgive and think about it thoroughly.” I don’t want to throw stones on the girl right away for I have errs myself.