My girlfriend is Protestant (please advise)

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Questions: Are you dating her for who you think she can be in the future or who she actaully is. What happens if she doesn’t meet those exceptions? What is your time timeable? One year…two years…Engagment and then marriage…one kid…two kids??? At what point do you back off?

I know there are many on here who are in mixed marriages and things work out but the key is they are in a MARRIAGE. They owe a responsiblity to their spouse to help them in their faith. You are not attached to this women. Yes you may love her and yes you may see the good qualities that make her a wonderful women and a yes she may be a wonderful christian women and have all the potential to be a wonderful wife BUT there is no guarantee that she is YOUR future spouse. You don’t owe her your life based on your imagination of who she could/will be.

And on another note you are looking at this women and thinking about how to change her to be your perfect spouse. As a women…well that is offensive to me…If my BF looked at me and said i love you and think you be make a great wife but there is this problem with you. Then i would walk out on him because he is not accepting me for who i am. Luckly he saw the potential in me as a person and become friends with me for 3 years before we started dating. He saw the ‘potential’ but never tried to pressure me to change, he left that to the Holy Spirit.

Take the advice of those who have already written. Pray on it.Good Luck to you.
I apologize if I offended you in anyway. However, I’m in no means trying to change her. I love her dearly just the way she is! 🙂

I’m not sure if you’ve been reading all the posts on this thread, but if you haven’t, and do so, you will see that often I say that I don’t pray for her conversion, as God has her on a different course for a reason. Instead, I pray for her to simply understand my faith, so that she will better understand me and my beliefs. Like many Protestants, she has had many misconceptions about my faith, and I’ve cleared many of those up. I’m actually the one that would be OK with her remaining a Protestant, however, she’s the one in the difficult position as her family have a bit of a problem with Catholics. Also, she’s not OK with us attending separate churches. While that wouldn’t be ideal for me, I’d be OK attending church alone, or actually attending BOTH her and my church weekly. However, in the past she has stated not being OK with either option. Recently, she got upset because she found out we wouldn’t be able to take communion together, while I’m OK with it. Again, not ideal for me but I can live with it.

I understand that the difference between some of the people who have posted here in inter-faith relationships and myself is that they’re married and I’m not. But one does need to date before marriage… which is where I’m currently at. Both my girlfriend and myself have told one another that we’re not dating for the sake of dating, but because we think there’s a possibility of marriage. Like any dating couple, nothing is guaranteed but you hope for the best and pray that you’re dating the person God has intended for you. Unfortunately, there’s no way around dating if you wish to marry.

Again, I’m sorry if my last post sounded as if I were trying to convert her, I’m really not. I leave it in God’s hands, and will be happy with whatever He decides!
 
Questions: Are you dating her for who you think she can be in the future or who she actaully is. What happens if she doesn’t meet those exceptions? What is your time timeable? One year…two years…Engagment and then marriage…one kid…two kids??? At what point do you back off?
Where I come from divorce isn’t an option. And when and if I ever do get married, I don’t intend to divorce. Marriage is not meant to be easy, regardless of faith…
 
Sorry to pry, but is your spouse still of a different faith or did he ever convert? Was there any common ground that pushed you guys closer, or did it get to the point where you no longer wished to discuss theology, as it would likely get ugly?

The kids issue is the scary part. It’s not like you can say, “the girls will be Protestant, and the boys will be Catholic” or “we’ll alternate between child” etc.
He’s still part of the Baptist faith. And after 10 years of marriage he’s now showing his angst of me being a Catholic. Little things like having a painting of Jesus or the Blessed Mother offends him because of a misconception of idolatry. (meanwhile photos of family is okay lol.)

He’s also in a dark place at the moment so any talk of any religion brings conflict. Thankfully he still adheres to the marriage vow of agreeing to raise the kids Catholic. Actually since our parish doesn’t have preschool classes - we agreed the kids at that age can go to his church’s school - just for preschool. When they kit Kindergarten, they transferred to our parish school and have been there ever since. Since his church’s curriculum included Bible basics like famous OT and NT stories, I didn’t have to worry about differences.

Now - there were a few times when he tried to get them to go to Sunday school instead of Mass. But I made it clear that they can not miss Mass - especially in the early years as they prepare for the Sacraments of Initiation.

The problem with us is we have different values. And once I grew in my faith, things started get more tense. Due to this and other large issues we are at a crossroad right now. So different faiths do put a strain on things. And if there are other strains on your marriage it makes everything worse. This is something that needs great thought. We put no thought into the issue and at first agreed to “respect eachother’s faith.” But as you can see that only worked for a little while.
 
Thank you for sharing your experience!
Here’s the thing, if I flat out ask her today “I need to know whether you’ll convert to Catholicism in order for our relationship to continue.” She’ll obviously cry and say she can’t, and that’ll be the end of that. Not because she’ll never do it, but because she’s not ready to do it today. If I honestly believed there wasn’t a chance of her converting, then I’m not sure I’d be with her but I can’t say that for certain either. I do feel like there is hope, and I’m hanging on to it. In the past, she’s never bashed the Church and has praised certain aspects of it. Then again, she’ll point out things she doesn’t agree with either.
She doesn’t bash the Church now - and things are rosy while you are dating. When the rubber hits the road is when the trouble will start. When your first child is 5 or 6, how will the child be raised? We he or she go to Catholic mass or to a protestant service? Both? No. That way lies madness, because the child will become confused as to what the Truth is, and may loose all faith (I have seen this before myself). Will the woman you are considering marrying become upset and long-term resentful if you insist that your children - her children too - are denied her protestant heritage?

Because your childrens’ immortal souls are at stake, you have an obligation to ensure they are raised in the one True Catholic faith and receive the sacraments. If you don’t, Christ will call you to account at the Judgement. Raising your kids in the faith is not optional, it’s mandatory, and the Church will tell you the same thing. Are you ready to lay down your peace of mind and even your future marriage for the souls of you and your children?

This decision you face is not a game, with the winner getting personal happiness. Marriage is a vocation. The vocation is your call by God to live our your life so that you can become a saint. This is a weighty obligation, and (please don’t take personal offense, I am trying my best to help you here) I get the sense that you don’t really understand it that way.

Do not be deceived by the fact that some marriages have been working out despite there being mixed faiths. That is the exception and not the rule. Even for mixed marriages that stay together, often there is substantial suffering because you are not unified. You and your partner will have a permanent divide between you. I seriously doubt that you will ever obtain the natural and deep and true closeness that marriage can bring so long as that divide is between you.

Please accept what I am about to say next in the spirit of Christian love and charity in which I intend it. I believe your thinking is muddied by your feelings for this woman. While it is hard to give up a certain romance that is there, you must set aside these feelings and consider the future you are setting up for yourself.

The likely suffering of interfaith marriages cannot be understated, particularly if you take your faith seriously. Listen to Jengl - I have followed her other posts about the troubles in her marriage (which is interfaith) and she suffers. Listen to me, I have suffered terribly. Once you have entered into a valid marriage covenant, you cannot get out. This is Jesus’ direct and explicit teaching.

I don’t know about Jengl, but I know about me. I did not listen to the advice of others and to right reason. I listened to my feelings. I thought I could convince my wife to convert later. That didn’t happen. Now I am married to my wife for life, and sometimes my marriage is a cross.

I urge you in the strongest of terms to read the story of Elisabeth Leseur here: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elisabeth_Leseur. She might become a saint. However, the lesson you need to learn is the suffering she endured. Granted, her husband was atheist - and your GF is protestant Christian - but the underlying message is the same: Mixed faith marriages can be a cause of grave suffering.

Here’s my recommendation.

Have a long, in depth conversation with her about matters of faith in a spirit of respect, love, and charity. Be sure to check the resources on Catholic.com so that you are well educated on the matters of the Faith on which she disagrees. Present the most reasonable arguments you can as lovingly as you can.

If she refuses them, then - in a different, later conversation - you must end the relationship. If you think you are making real progress, then consider continuing the relationship.

I don’t expect that she will convert all at once. People hold on to dearly held beliefs because they don’t want to give up on what they consider to be the Truth.

That being said, if, after discernment, you can be sure that she will not convert of her own free will *because she actually and really believes the Catholic faith *(and NOT because she wants to marry you) - then you must end the relationship. Do not marry this woman unless she shares your faith.

There are millions of faithful young women that you can find that are searching for a faithful Catholic husband. You can find the ONE that God himself is calling you to marry because God himself will put her in your path. Always remember that fact - God himself is the one calling you to spend your life with this particular woman, so if you are open to God’s grace you will find her absolutely gauranteed.

Do whatever you want - you have free will. However, consider yourself warned. I will speak no more about this unless you ask me for further comments, because everything I could say on this subject has been said. God bless and I will pray for you.
 
She doesn’t bash the Church now - and things are rosy while you are dating. When the rubber hits the road is when the trouble will start. When your first child is 5 or 6, how will the child be raised? We he or she go to Catholic mass or to a protestant service? Both? No. That way lies madness, because the child will become confused as to what the Truth is, and may loose all faith (I have seen this before myself). Will the woman you are considering marrying become upset and long-term resentful if you insist that your children - her children too - are denied her protestant heritage?

Because your childrens’ immortal souls are at stake, you have an obligation to ensure they are raised in the one True Catholic faith and receive the sacraments. If you don’t, Christ will call you to account at the Judgement. Raising your kids in the faith is not optional, it’s mandatory, and the Church will tell you the same thing. Are you ready to lay down your peace of mind and even your future marriage for the souls of you and your children?

This decision you face is not a game, with the winner getting personal happiness. Marriage is a vocation. The vocation is your call by God to live our your life so that you can become a saint. This is a weighty obligation, and (please don’t take personal offense, I am trying my best to help you here) I get the sense that you don’t really understand it that way.

Do not be deceived by the fact that some marriages have been working out despite there being mixed faiths. That is the exception and not the rule. Even for mixed marriages that stay together, often there is substantial suffering because you are not unified. You and your partner will have a permanent divide between you. I seriously doubt that you will ever obtain the natural and deep and true closeness that marriage can bring so long as that divide is between you.

Please accept what I am about to say next in the spirit of Christian love and charity in which I intend it. I believe your thinking is muddied by your feelings for this woman. While it is hard to give up a certain romance that is there, you must set aside these feelings and consider the future you are setting up for yourself.

The likely suffering of interfaith marriages cannot be understated, particularly if you take your faith seriously. Listen to Jengl - I have followed her other posts about the troubles in her marriage (which is interfaith) and she suffers. Listen to me, I have suffered terribly. Once you have entered into a valid marriage covenant, you cannot get out. This is Jesus’ direct and explicit teaching.

I don’t know about Jengl, but I know about me. I did not listen to the advice of others and to right reason. I listened to my feelings. I thought I could convince my wife to convert later. That didn’t happen. Now I am married to my wife for life, and sometimes my marriage is a cross.

I urge you in the strongest of terms to read the story of Elisabeth Leseur here: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elisabeth_Leseur. She might become a saint. However, the lesson you need to learn is the suffering she endured. Granted, her husband was atheist - and your GF is protestant Christian - but the underlying message is the same: Mixed faith marriages can be a cause of grave suffering.

Here’s my recommendation.

Have a long, in depth conversation with her about matters of faith in a spirit of respect, love, and charity. Be sure to check the resources on Catholic.com so that you are well educated on the matters of the Faith on which she disagrees. Present the most reasonable arguments you can as lovingly as you can.

If she refuses them, then - in a different, later conversation - you must end the relationship. If you think you are making real progress, then consider continuing the relationship.

I don’t expect that she will convert all at once. People hold on to dearly held beliefs because they don’t want to give up on what they consider to be the Truth.

That being said, if, after discernment, you can be sure that she will not convert of her own free will *because she actually and really believes the Catholic faith *(and NOT because she wants to marry you) - then you must end the relationship. Do not marry this woman unless she shares your faith.

There are millions of faithful young women that you can find that are searching for a faithful Catholic husband. You can find the ONE that God himself is calling you to marry because God himself will put her in your path. Always remember that fact - God himself is the one calling you to spend your life with this particular woman, so if you are open to God’s grace you will find her absolutely gauranteed.

Do whatever you want - you have free will. However, consider yourself warned. I will speak no more about this unless you ask me for further comments, because everything I could say on this subject has been said. God bless and I will pray for you.
Thank you for your valued response and prayers (and the link to Elisabeth Leseur’s story!) I really appreciate it!

I’ll have both you and Jengl and your respective spouses all in my prayers.
 
If she has already dictated to you that her future spouse must go to church with her (and be a member of that church) you should seriously reconsider the relationship. It’s none of her business which church you attend or which church you continue to attend. There are many mixed marriages where spouses attend different churches (or synagogues) separately most of the time, but then attend services together during special occasions or times of the year.

If this was a decision you mutually made together, that would be a different story. Or if you were having a discussion as to which church your children should be raised in, that too would be a different story altogether. But when it comes to your personal need to worship God in your own way and within a religious culture you feel at ease with, that is your decision alone.
 
just a litle note on the kids perspective . (they have to live with the tension to)
my father was brethren and my mother was methodist . there was constant tension as to which church i would attend . everytime we moved or a milestone came up i would be “draged” to every church in the area often leaving halfway through the service because one of my parents would dissagree with the minister . as a result with the exeption of christmass and bonfirenight (pope burning) i never “attended” church , i wasnt baptised and i fell out with god(because i didnt know where he was) at 12 i didnt find him again untill i meet my husband .5 years later.

my parents did however have some commanground i was rigoroucely "bible schooled " at home receiving instruction both by post and through biblical tapes cartoons and a childrens bible . my parents agreed never to address diferences so for a ong time i was not aware of them . they also agreed to send me to a church primaryschool wich was church of england (simply because the alternative was catholic !) .

i beleive that because i was instructed in the christian faith i was given the chance to choose god . if they had swept it under the carpet and given me an atheist upbringing , or worse had fought about who was right in front of me ,i may have never have found god in my adult life.

i know this goes against catholic expectation but if you avoid issues such as transubstantiation and the pope and just teach the child the common basics (scripture) in their formative years then that child has a beter chance .
let the child come to god. most of the children in our parish are being baptised and confirmed after 1st form , they have chosen catholisism , they come from mixed faith families and they are more zelouce than the “cradle catholics” .
 
with regars to takeing communion together this would be permisable in a church that celibrates consubstasiation .
in consubstantiation there is real presence so you would be ok in taking it (as far as i am aware) the emphasis is on when it changes from bread to body .
’ in the presence of a contrite heart in the state of grace that truly beleives , the host shall become christ. but in the heart of the unworthy or unbeliever the bread remains bread and it is nothing more than a remeberance’ wallice. the long refomation
basicly by the grace and judgment of god ,the transformation hapens once the host enters your mouth .so it ticks both boxes so to speek .
do consult your preist beforhand.
 
Thanks for the recent comments and suggestions. I guess it’s been a while since I last posted.

So about 6 weeks ago, my girlfriend and I had a serious talk about marriage and kids. Her feelings have softened since the time we first started dating when she told me that our children would never be raised Catholic. So, recently she told me that she’s willing to have the kids grow up Catholic, and not be divided (i.e., 1st kid Catholic, 2nd Protestant, etc.) as it would cause for division within the family and perhaps sibling rivalries. In return, she does ask me that we marry in a non-Catholic setting, as she feels she’d be giving everything up by getting married in a Catholic Church and raising the kids Catholic.

I’m excited about the prospect of the kids being Catholic, however, worried about the wedding in a protestant church, as the Catholic Church wouldn’t recognize it as valid. But this is not something I’m totally opposed to, as we could always be married in a Catholic Church in the future.

I think a major obstacle is her wanting to share our faiths together in congregations. I don’t have any solutions for this, except both of us attending each others church every Sunday. She doesn’t like this idea, as she doesn’t think it’s realistic. I’d be perfectly OK with each of us going our own separate ways each Sunday, but I think she’s really worried about what other people would think/say knowing that her husband and/or family is not with her.

God has helped us, as recently her Presbyterian Church held a lenten retreat at a Catholic monastery with the Benedictine Monks of all places! That was a great experience for both of us. The only awkward moment came at the end of the day when the retreat group passed out communion and I was the only one who didn’t partake. No one there knew I was Catholic. But I do believe that God is working with us.

I thank you all for keeping our relationship in your prayers! 🙂
 
You can only be married one time, that is Canon Law.

For serious reasons the Bishop will sometimes grant permission for a mixed marriage to take place outside of the Church. You will need to start the process to ask for this permission sooner than later.
 
You can only be married one time, that is Canon Law.

For serious reasons the Bishop will sometimes grant permission for a mixed marriage to take place outside of the Church. You will need to start the process to ask for this permission sooner than later.
Not canon law, that’s Catholic doctrine based on the Scriptures.

HarmonyJoe,

According to Catholic teaching, the family is called to be a domestic Church within the universal Church. So, yes, it is very important as to where on goes to Church, since for us, being Christian within a Catholic context is a way of life; not just something you do on Sundays----and also has eternal effects. It’s not just “me and Jesus”, as the saying goes.

I think the OP should pray and ponder gravely and solemnly on this matter; I recommend doing it before the Tabernacle. If necessary, consult a spiritual director or your parish priest or deacon, BEFORE you decide you want to get married (the required meeting 6 months or so before your proposed wedding does not count).
 
Thanks for the recent comments and suggestions. I guess it’s been a while since I last posted.

So about 6 weeks ago, my girlfriend and I had a serious talk about marriage and kids. Her feelings have softened since the time we first started dating when she told me that our children would never be raised Catholic. So, recently she told me that she’s willing to have the kids grow up Catholic, and not be divided (i.e., 1st kid Catholic, 2nd Protestant, etc.) as it would cause for division within the family and perhaps sibling rivalries. In return, she does ask me that we marry in a non-Catholic setting, as she feels she’d be giving everything up by getting married in a Catholic Church and raising the kids Catholic.

I’m excited about the prospect of the kids being Catholic, however, worried about the wedding in a protestant church, as the Catholic Church wouldn’t recognize it as valid. But this is not something I’m totally opposed to, as we could always be married in a Catholic Church in the future.
I think a major obstacle is her wanting to share our faiths together in congregations. I don’t have any solutions for this, except both of us attending each others church every Sunday. She doesn’t like this idea, as she doesn’t think it’s realistic. I’d be perfectly OK with each of us going our own separate ways each Sunday, but I think she’s really worried about what other people would think/say knowing that her husband and/or family is not with her.

God has helped us, as recently her Presbyterian Church held a lenten retreat at a Catholic monastery with the Benedictine Monks of all places! That was a great experience for both of us. The only awkward moment came at the end of the day when the retreat group passed out communion and I was the only one who didn’t partake. No one there knew I was Catholic. But I do believe that God is working with us.

I thank you all for keeping our relationship in your prayers! 🙂
If the Catholic Church does not recognize it as valid and you know this but you still decide to proceed, then as far as the Church is concerned, you are living in grave sin----not my decision, but that of the Church (you as a Catholic are always bound by the Church’s laws; your girlfriend is not if she was marrying another Protestant). One alternative would be to request the bishop’s permission to have your marriage celebrated without canonical form, that is to say, w/o a Catholic cleric witnessing it. Another would be to have a Catholic cleric witness it officially but to have a Presbyterian minister participate, such as by giving a blessing afterwards or by offering some prayers or something. You need to consult your bishop about this.

Also, what your children grow up in is a matter of you believe the truth to be, not about you making some kind of agreement with your spouse as to what Church they go to on Sunday. Therefore, it is entirely inappropriate for you to alternate what religion each child will be raised up in.

This is no slight matter to smile about.

Paul R. Viola
 
If the Catholic Church does not recognize it as valid and you know this but you still decide to proceed, then as far as the Church is concerned, you are living in grave sin----not my decision, but that of the Church (you as a Catholic are always bound by the Church’s laws; your girlfriend is not if she was marrying another Protestant). One alternative would be to request the bishop’s permission to have your marriage celebrated without canonical form, that is to say, w/o a Catholic cleric witnessing it. Another would be to have a Catholic cleric witness it officially but to have a Presbyterian minister participate, such as by giving a blessing afterwards or by offering some prayers or something. You need to consult your bishop about this.

Also, what your children grow up in is a matter of you believe the truth to be, not about you making some kind of agreement with your spouse as to what Church they go to on Sunday. Therefore, it is entirely inappropriate for you to alternate what religion each child will be raised up in.

This is no slight matter to smile about.

Paul R. Viola
Despite what some would think, there are plenty of happily married couples out there who have a healthy spiritual life without falling in lockstep with one another. Is it always easy, no. Is it at times pretty tough. I can tell you one of the things it does is make you look at what your REALLY believe and it can be shocking at times to make those realizations.
 
Orange - I am the “protestant spouse” in my marriage with my husband. As your girlfriend felt, I really wanted my husband and I to share our faith and even though he attended church with me a few times, he always said he didn’t feel comfortable there. Something I respected, but never understood. I always hoped he’d convert to Protestantism! I would never have expressed it like that, though. I just prayed he’d become more serious about his faith and that we would have a church to attend together.

He - unlike you - had not had a deep experience in his faith at the time we dated and married, and also was very reluctant to have me convert if it meant turning against my own beliefs. Nearly a year in, he became challenged about his faith, and I was the one who suggested he return to the catholic church. I attended with him to support him, but it’s had a really profound effect on both him and me. And on our marriage - as we have suddenly had the faith side of our relationship open up in a way I couldn’t have imagined. It’s so wonderful.

It all started when one day I complained I had nothing to read, and as a joke, he handed me a copy of the shorter Catechism of the Catholic Church. I took it and read it cover to cover. Then I read the next thing, and the next thing… I can’t believe, in just a few short months, how much of a 180 I’ve done on my thinking of Catholicism. I am now looking to convert and attend mass as often as possible with my husband (though I go up for a blessing, rather than communion). I didn’t have a problem with the blessing vs communion idea - but then I approached it in the light that I was going to be respectful of the custom of the church I was attending, regardless of whether I agreed or not.

The challenge is my children (from a former marriage) who have been brought up Protestant, though - by some miracle of the grace of God - they have been attending the local Catholic school for the last couple of years (never would have thought I’d have done that if you’d asked me 5 years ago!!). I am learning so much as I try to explain the change to them in terms they can understand.

All of this isn’t really to offer any advice - just to assure you that you’re not the only one. Put God first, trust Him utterly, and don’t rush into anything. He will definitely lead you into the life He has designed for you, if only you’ll let him. And none of us know what that path is.

I am reminded of a quote by Corrie Ten Boom (Nazi concentration camp survivor) who said (if I remember rightly) “Every situation, every person God puts in our lives is the perfect preparation for the future that only He can see”.

God bless you.
 
Why are we called to avoid relationships with Protestants so much? I mean, I understand and agree with the asking the Bishop to approve of a marriage part, but some people seem to be so dead-set against even having a relationship with a Protestant that it just seems like we’re supposed to stay away from Protestants.
 
Why are we called to avoid relationships with Protestants so much? I mean, I understand and agree with the asking the Bishop to approve of a marriage part, but some people seem to be so dead-set against even having a relationship with a Protestant that it just seems like we’re supposed to stay away from Protestants.
Marriage is a spiritual relationship. If we do not share Faith with our spouse, marriage is almost impossible.

You also have confused kids, it boils down to SOMEBODY is wrong, either mommy or daddy is wrong about God.
 
Marriage is a spiritual relationship. If we do not share Faith with our spouse, marriage is almost impossible.

You also have confused kids, it boils down to SOMEBODY is wrong, either mommy or daddy is wrong about God.
I’m so confused anymore. This means my parents shouldn’t have married, because my dad was protestant and my mom’s Catholic (Dad’s Catholic now, but that’s besides the point)

Man…I just don’t know what to think anymore. I’m trying my best to make sure I’m in agreement with every single teaching of the Church, but, everytime I think, “Okay, I’m doing good now.” I find out that there’s another thing that I didn’t even know was wrong that was some sort of inherent evil.

What isn’t evil anymore? I accepted the graveness of mortal sins when I found out about them. I thought, “Okay, yes, those are wrong things to do.”

But now, even things I thought that the Church didn’t even consider bad at all are apparently some sort of evil.

Sometimes, I wish I never even looked into this. I wish I had never started. Not so that I could sin, but because I’m just getting more and more depressed and sad as I find out every single thing I’m doing or others do is wrong (that’s the road it’s going down) Heck, I bet thinking this is also mortal sin, isn’t it? Great. Now I’m going to Hell. Just wonderful.
 
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