My girlfriend lied about virginity

[phoenix1950]

Hi all!
I really have no one to talk to (besides my girlfriend) so I decided to post on this forum because I am really really devout catholic and I really need to share this with someone and hear advices and maybe ask for a prayer…I am really broken right now

so here goes my story…I warn you…could be long

here it goes …4 years ago I met this girl…she had a boyfriend at a time(for about year and 3 mounts) but broke up with him few mounts after we met… with time we became friends and I am the one that was there for her when she and her now ex-boyfriend broke up…she claimed that she was the one dumping him and reason being him wanting a premartial sex.
As a very conservative person this really meant a LOT to me and I started to fall in love with her at that time…we were really close and talked about religion and spirituality(I was anti catholic at time but in time became really devout catholic)…she was always devout catholic and was really strong about her views witch really started to affect me when I became catholic myself…I thought she was perfect pretty,good person,catholic and most importantly PURE.
This was all about 4 years ago…from then to now she quickly became most important person in my life and I really admired her and loved her…but she was always somehow distant in romantic way and didn’t find me attractive although she liked me as a person and loved spending her time with me…with time she started falling in love with me as well and we started a relationship about year ago.
We made a commitment and decided to wait for marriage(if we even get to that…) and NEVER went further from a simple kiss,hug or honest talk and prayer. We went daily to mass and everything seemed perfect.

Unfortunetly yesterday she came to me without a usual smile,she was really sad and had hard time telling me what was problem with her…we talked and talked and I found out that she was not a virgin as she claimed she was(she did told me before that she allowed her ex to touch her bottom and breast but I thought that was MAXIMUM)…looks like althought she still had her himen (didn’t have vaginal intercourse) she pretty much did everything else…

She claimed that she didn’t know that it was bad at a time and that she understands it just now when she is with me and that now she understands what is love and purity of love.
I listened to her and did my best to make it work,she cried and I wiped her tears trying not to cry myself…I decided to forgive her…problem is at the time she still didn’t tell me what was that she did with him…
Today she finally told me WHOLE truth…she broke up with him as I said about 4 years ago and in relationship it wasn’t that bad…it was sinful but only…erm…hand work

BIGGER problem with me is when she told me that he gave her and she gave him oral sex 2 YEARS AGO…meaning 2 years after they broke up…she claims she was still in love and wanted him back,he gave her oral sex and she did it to him…but during intercourse got disgusted and didn’t want to do it. till the end(although he did it to her completly)

what really hurts me is that she knows how much purity means to me,this happened about a year before we started dating and at the time were getting somehow romantic so I feel betrayed…and everything I thought I knew about her in this 4 years and my whole relationship was a LIE!!!
I tried to comfort her untill she told me this…but when I found out I was so broken I started crying(first time in very very long time),she cried as well…I felt disgusted by her but still didn’t want my hot head and emotions to control me…I still wanted to save what we had…I still wanted to be with her and try to forgive her…I know that she is sorry about it and scarred for life…she is aware how much this hurts me and full of tears told me that if I decide to dump her she will agree with me.

I didn’t want that …luckily we are both devout catholics so we decided to find a priest and get confession…after it we both cried and I promissed her that we can start over,that I really want to see her as pure once again…that we can forget about her past and her lies and make it work.

I don’t know what to do…I hope I made a right decision by trying to forgive her

If you came this far reading this post I thank you ))

please pray for me and forgive me about my grammar mistakes

 

[EasterJoy]

Why don’t you find that priest and have a talk with him?

She could have told you that the things you were asking about were private, but instead she lied in order to have you think better of her. That is a very typical thing to do, meaning that it is a very powerful temptation, particularly with regards to any behavior that someone regrets and thinks is shameful after the sin is committed. If we think that cover-ups are the special province of particular liars, we lie to ourselves. Still, it was lying, it was lying about a serious matter, it was a lie was allowed to go uncorrected for a long time, and you are right to feel your trust was betrayed by the deception. She did finally tell you, however, and because she was physically intact, it was a deception she might have carried to her grave, and you none the wiser. She gets credit for coming clean without being “outed” by someone else. It was her conscience that made this known to you, not some other party or outside evidence.

You may feel what she did was disgusting (some people do, and that is their right), but it is something that married couples are allowed to do as foreplay, provided they end with intercourse. IOW, her sin was to rashly do something that is reserved to those who are married, not something that is forbidden entirely. It sounds as if she did it once, did not follow through even then, and has regretted it ever since.

You really have at least three issues, then. One is whether you can cope with knowing that she has given some of those things that ought to have been her husband’s alone to someone she was only hoping to get to marry her. Another is whether you can cope with her having done something that you think is disgusting in and of itself. The most important, though, is whether you trust her to communicate with you honestly, both now and in the future.

The first two are up to you. Obviously, Our Lord did not condemn the contrite for their past. We have all sinned, offending God deeply. We should not imagine that those who have committed sexual sins are the most offensive sinners. Still, the marriage bed is the most intimate of places, it calls for the most total self-gift, and if this is something that will prevent you from giving and receiving from her freely as husband and wife, it is OK to decide this is a deal-breaker. Do her that favor–do not lie to her in order to look better to her, repeating her violation of your trust by violating hers! You have the same choice she did: say nothing, or else tell the truth. Do not lie.

As for the last, that is something you will both have to work on. She needs to earn your trust again. You must feel she truly deserves a reputation of honesty with you. The one who falls and by grace rises again is better than the one who believes herself to have never fallen, but the getting up is not a given. There are many who have only to fall once to learn their lesson, but time will tell on that.

Again, this is something I’d talk to a priest about from time to time.

 

[underacloud]

I thought she was perfect pretty,good person,catholic and most importantly PURE.

Most importantly?

I understand your frustration, and if you truly consider purity before marriage to be the most important thing in a spouse, then yes you should break up with this girl and hold out for your virtuous virgin.

Some people would say honesty is more important, and she has been honest with you now, which was obviously very hard for her to do. Yes, she lied previously, presumably out of embarrassment and guilt, rather than malice. To come clean now shows courage and respect, and true contrition.

Anyway, no one but you can make this decision. It’s hard either way. Pray, talk with a trusted priest, and take your time.

 

[Miserissima]

Before you make any decisions, please pick up the two booklets “Pure Womanhood” and “Pure Manhood,” by Crystallina and Jason Evert.

chastityproject.com/products/category/booklets/

They’re quick reads and very inexpensive.

He was a virgin when they married, she was not. You will find both stories most helpful, especially hers.

 

[NextElement]

This is just my humble opinion, but I think you should consider forgiving your girlfriend and continuing with your relationship. Previous “purity” shouldn’t be the most important thing in a relationship… It should be whether or not you are in love with her and whether or not God is calling you to be with her. If the answer to those questions are yes, then her past sins shouldn’t be an issue.

As Jesus said: “If your brother sins 7 times in a day and says he is sorry 7 times, forgive him”.

As someone who has messed up BIG TIME in my relationship and was forgiven, I can tell you how forgiveness by your significant other can really influence you to stay the course of holiness, and make your relationship stronger. Tell me what you think of this, OP.

 

[George_Stegmeir]

I don’t know how old you are, but you must face up to modern reality.
Yes, purity is important, but equally important is the relationship of ones intended to oneself. However, it is none of your business what your intended did before they met you. What is important is their behavior since they met you; and, you must learn to accept forgive the other person for lapses in their behavior.
Without being able to forgive, you cannot expect to have a lasting relationship with any member of he opposite sex because no one, including yourself, is perfect.
In any relationship you should never forget the adage: “Judge not lest ye be judged.”

 

[Petaro]

Most importantly?

I understand your frustration, and if you truly consider purity before marriage to be the most important thing in a spouse, then yes you should break up with this girl and hold out for your virtuous virgin.

Some people would say honesty is more important, and she has been honest with you now, which was obviously very hard for her to do. Yes, she lied previously, presumably out of embarrassment and guilt, rather than malice. To come clean now shows courage and respect, and true contrition.

Anyway, no one but you can make this decision. It’s hard either way. Pray, talk with a trusted priest, and take your time.

I believe this is a wise post.
If you really love her more than yourself than you will forgive which means forgetting and never holding it against her even when fighting. This takes will power and courage.
She fell at a time when she was still ambivalent about her feelings for you so it was not a complete breach of loyalty.
I would give it a go as she is contrite and most importantly honest when she need not have been. These all go to her favour. Do not take a long time to decide your position. Pray, decide, and if you continue the relationship never bring it up again as a matter of your honour as a gentleman.

 

[Nan_S]

I still wanted to be with her and try to forgive her…I know that she is sorry about it and scarred for life…

Scarred for life. It sounds like you are having problems with forgiveness yourself. Jesus is capable of forgiving her and restoring her to the fullness of grace. I pray that you ask Jesus for the gift of the ability to forgive as He does.

Think of how many times Jesus gave complete forgiveness to repentant sinners when they turned to Him: “Go in peace. Your faith has made you well.” This lady was a sinner, but after meeting you she cleaned up her act. Yes, she backslid - once - two years ago. But for two years since then - two full years - she has held herself pure for your sake. Can you honestly say you have likewise held yourself pure of serious sin for two years? You are maintaining sexual purity, but have you remained guiltless for her sake of the other six deadly sins: sloth, pride, envy, wrath, gluttony, greed?

It took a lot of courage for her to approach you and confess her sin. It took a lot of faith that you would forgive and trust her. She could have told you that her hymen was broken because of horseback or motorcycle riding, but she chose to believe that you are the man of wisdom and mercy which God intended you to be.

She is the Prodigal Daughter who returned to you, proved herself to you, and asks your blessing on her return. Can you open yourself up to God’s grace to forgive her as He has already done?

 

[PolarGuy]

Folks, if OP was a woman and her boyfriend acted as OP’s girlfriend did, posters here would be all over the OP to dump the awful philandering sex-chasing liar.

So how about some consistency, OK?

Sure, OP should forgive her. Forgiveness is not the issue. The issue is her dishonesty and her engaging in various inappropriate sexual activities, and whether these present impediments to any form of future together. I posit that they do:

1. In and of themselves, they are serious red flags to a relationship.
2. At this point, her story keeps changing and she keeps “fessing up” to more, so much so that I’d wonder what else she’s been up to.
3. While we’re at it, I say the OP’s girlfriend seems to be so overt with confessions about exactly what she’s been doing, that her doing so seems awfully heartless, no? Saying, “I had sex a few years ago” is one thing. This is more like, “let me describe in vivid graphic details the sex I had with person X while you were studying physics in the library.” I don’t think anyone, male or female, can be expected to tolerate such heartlessness.

OP, go ahead and forgive her…just be really, really careful about pursuing her further. Yeah, we all can change, etc., but some behavior can and should be relationship dealbreakers to people of honest intent and genuine piety, and I think OP’s girlfriend seems to me to way beyond that.

 

[PHILTHEO]

In today’s society with marriage delayed SO LONG it is very, very, very hard to be pure. As much as I’d love a girl who was, I’m not holding my breath. If a girl is willing to wipe the slate clean with God and man and try again, I’m fine with that.

The real worry is her sneaking around behind your back. I know this woman who did this:

-Broke up with Boyfriend (guy 1) to hit on guy #2 (who turned her down repeatedly foiling her plan)
-Got back with guy 1
-cheated on boyfriend with a THIRD guy
-Got back with guy 1
-Tried for guy 2 again, this time didn’t even bother breaking up with guy 1 since it was a short attempt.
-Currently still with Guy 1, but her eye always wanders

-_- Like a soap opera!! TBH, I feel for guy one since he always takes her back and wants to marry her, but I expect heartbreak is all that awaits him.

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

Forgiveness is one thing; choosing a spouse is an entirely different matter altogether.

You are free to do as you wish. As far as I go, I would never marry a person that I couldn’t trust 100%.

 

[bsf]

phoenix1950,

I only read your original post; none of the replies.

I think your focus on the graphic details of your girlfriend’s previous sexual behavior, as evidenced by the graphic details in your post, is concerning. I only present my view on that because I want you to be well and for God’s will to be done regarding your relationship with this woman. I think it would be helpful for you to look at the bigger picture, so to say. I will pray that God guide you and your girlfriend.

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

To forgive is the Jesus way.
However that does not rid anyone of the temporal consequences of the sin that was committed. In this case, the temporal consequences include the loss of trust, among others. It is natural since her confessions seem to have moved the goalposts around to wonder what else is she less than truthful about. For me, the lack of honesty is the far greater sin than the loss of virginity to someone else. This lack has the potential to destroy relationships. The OP’s most important question at this time is whether she has what it takes to be honest in relationship. A difficult question given the circumstances, but one that must be discerned for.

Another temporal consequence is the lack of respect she showed for him when she went behind his back. That’s an issue that needs to be explored as well.

Good luck…

 

[Monica4316]

You may feel what she did was disgusting (some people do, and that is their right), but it is something that married couples are allowed to do as foreplay, provided they end with intercourse.

I highly recommend that you read this link… even though some popular books might say this, I think that traditional Catholic teaching would not be that supportive. catholicnewsagency.com/document.php?n=999

 

[Monica4316]

In today’s society with marriage delayed SO LONG it is very, very, very hard to be pure.

I’m not going to comment on the idea of still marrying someone if they “have a past”, because a person can be forgiven by God and lead a good life after that… but I think that while it is hard to be pure, I don’t think it’s “very very very hard”, if we attempt this with the Sacraments, prayer, avoiding temptations of sin, and reducing the worldly influence on us I guess the last point might be very hard… but with the Sacraments and God’s help, that could be done too. I think that while it’s hard, it’s possible… I think what bothers me is just how some people lower standards (for themselves for example, or for their children) because they are convinced it’s “too difficult” to be pure, but it’s only too difficult if we rely on our own strength

I agree with you about our society delaying marriage too much, though… I think valid reasons to delay marriage are if you can’t find anyone, or you’re discerning another vocation, or for some grave reason - but not just to “have fun” etc.

 

[AussieTrish]

She lied because she was scared. People do.
In any case, really, her repented past sins are none of your business.
Jesus didn’t reject Mary Magdalen for her past repented sins. He welcomed her for who she tried to be, and it was to her that He first made His resurrection known, and her He told to pass the news on to His disciples.

It it that your girlfriend sinned in the past, or is it also your pride is hurt?
I do wonder if part of what you are most feeling is hurt pride?
If so, and if you are not a forgiving person, for her sake she should leave you, as a relationship that is unequal, because one partner has a basic unforgiveness or resentment and sees himself or herself as more righteous, will not be good for either person.

The question really is, can I trust her, not did she sin which is God’s and her business, not yours. Your question should be can I trust her. If you don’t, and you will hold this as an undercurrent in your relationship to resurface at troubled times that always do come in a relationship, then the kind thing would be to spare her a lifetime of such blame and mistrust.

I’ve seen several people marry where one feels he or she is a better person because the other made a mistake, and are thus unforgiveable and never really trusted, under the surface, but surfacing at the worst times. The person who had committed the mistake is always in some way the underdog, always scared to make a wrong move.
I don’t wish that kind of unhappiness on either in such a relationship.

What is important is that she has been trying to observe the sixth commandment, as have you.
If you need someone spotless be assured no one is perfect and nor are you and I.If you honestly can’t trust her, if you can never really completely forgive, then God grant you always a pure heart, and for you to find someone with a pure heart.
I hope for both your sakes you will turn to God for answers, and also deal with the issue with true wisdom.

 

[EasterJoy]

I highly recommend that you read this link… even though some popular books might say this, I think that traditional Catholic teaching would not be that supportive. catholicnewsagency.com/document.php?n=999

He described her violation of moral law in graphic terms; it seemed necessary to point out that what she was doing is something not forbidden, per se, to married couples. I have no interest in going into the pros and cons of it, other than to say it can be permissible. Other than to note also that some Catholics would not do it, to discuss it any further is beyond the scope of this thread.

 

[EasterJoy]

He described her violation of moral law in graphic terms; it seemed necessary to point out that what she was doing is something not forbidden, per se, to married couples. I have no interest in going into the pros and cons of it, other than to say it can be permissible. Other than to note also that some Catholics would not do it, IMHO to discuss it any further is beyond the scope of this thread.

 

[Monica4316]

He described her violation of moral law in graphic terms; it seemed necessary to point out that what she was doing is something not forbidden, per se, to married couples. I have no interest in going into the pros and cons of it, other than to say it can be permissible. Other than to note also that some Catholics would not do it, to discuss it any further is beyond the scope of this thread.

I’m just trying to say that I have never read that it’s permissible, and I’m wondering what your source is from that… because according to the link that I gave, it implies that such things are not permissible. (the article gives other examples, not specifically this one, but it lists things that are described as not being permissible for married couples - even though some popular Catholic books today might not protest them). Using the logic in the article, I’m not sure if this specific example would be permissible for married couples. I guess what I’m trying to say is just that we should be careful with our sources, because after reading that article, I thought that some modern popular Catholic books on marriage might not reflect tradition enough… the article gives a different perspective on marriage, that is not often talked about, but that is totally in line with Catholic tradition.

 

[thewanderer]

I’m just trying to say that I have never read that it’s permissible, and I’m wondering what your source is from that… because according to the link that I gave, it implies that such things are not permissible. (the article gives other examples, not specifically this one, but it lists things that are described as not being permissible for married couples - even though some popular Catholic books today might not protest them). Using the logic in the article, I’m not sure if this specific example would be permissible for married couples. I guess what I’m trying to say is just that we should be careful with our sources, because after reading that article, I thought that some modern popular Catholic books on marriage might not reflect tradition enough… the article gives a different perspective on marriage, that is not often talked about, but that is totally in line with Catholic tradition.

I believe the source is the fact that there is no definitive Church teaching against such things. There are theologians that opine they are sinful and there are theologians that believe they can be moral, but there is no definitive Church teaching that they are immoral, just individual people’s opinions.