My girlfriends past haunts me

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Ok, so ive been dating this girl for around 5 months now, we are both catholic, and her past is cause of a good deal of mental distress in my life. I care about this girl quite a bit, and i can see myself developing a future with her and her 2 year old daughter. When we first started talking she informed me that she had lead a promiscuous lifestyle in the past, sleeping with “25ish men” i was told and often getting intoxicated and “going home with whoever would take me”. Now when getting to know her this was the only red flag i could find and believe me i am a very picky person and a very good judge of character. She had assured me that this was all in her past and she was very ashamed of it and it pains her to think about it. She has also gone to confession and spoken with a priest about this. She was looking for love and going about it completely wrong. She has also had 3 serious relationships in her life time as well. Well since the beginning of the relationship our feelings have grown, we attend church, pray, say the rosary, etc…together. I had also found out that up until a month before we met this behavior was still going on.

My problem is that the thoughts of her past haunt me. I think about it a lot and worry about her reverting to her old lifestye for various reasons, especially with the combination of alcohol and sex. It also worries me that things i have to offer her, not just sexually, may be worth less in her eyes since she has given herself to so many. What can i do to rectify this issue because so far it is the only probllem we have had. But it is a big one.

Sorry to seemingly ramble on, just thought some history on the subject was appropriate.
I appreciate any advice. Thank you! 🙂
 
Rather than thinking about her past, think and plan your future together. As long as she has repented, her past is irrelevant.

She is not the only one with such a past. There are lots of Catholic saints and others with a promiscuous past like St. Augustine, St. Mary Magdalen, St. Mary of Egypt, Blessed Angela of Folingo etc.

If her past worries you a lot, then maybe she is not the right person for you. So just make up your mind and move forward.
 
Last night on TCC, Fr. Cedric (Live With Passion) talked about making choices. He began with the story of the Israelites in the wilderness and the way God led them using the cloud. When it lifted, they moved camp, but if it hovered, they stayed put. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we had such certain assurance to guide us?

He continued, saying that the final umpire in our choices is the “Peace of God” within. Not everything will be black or white, but as we strive to follow God’s will and do all we can to make wise choices, He will give us a strong peace that enables us to go forward, for better or worse. No matter what the choice, we will face difficulties: a job, a vocation to religious life, a marriage, single life. Temptations and struggle will always be a part of our lives, no matter how we decide.

In your case, there are several red flags that are not giving you the “peace beyond all understanding.”
  • She has also had 3 serious relationships in her life time. [Why did they fail?]
  • I had also found out that up until a month before we met this behavior was still going on.
  • She has a 2-year old child conceived out of wedlock. I trust you know the circumstances of that birth, and why the child is fatherless.
  • One of the 25 who had sex with her may have transmitted an incurable HIV disease that will certainly effect you. These remain dormant for many years and do not become visible at once. Ask any dermatologist.
OTOH, thank God that she seems to be repentent – for now – but before making any further plans, I would give it a looooooong period of testing and look for that peace of God that moves you forward. These same doubts will return, even during marriage, whenever you suspect unusual behavior on her part.

God be with you and guide you.
 
I believe in forgiveness and I believe people can and do change, but she suffers from low self esteem, and until her past emotional issues are dealt with and made come to light, she will probably revert back. I don’t think I could deal with a man with a past as you described.
 
maxima96se said:
Ok, so ive been dating this girl for around 5 months now, we are both catholic, and her past is cause of a good deal of mental distress in my life. I care about this girl quite a bit, and i can see myself developing a future with her and her 2 year old daughter. When we first started talking she informed me that she had lead a promiscuous lifestyle in the past, sleeping with “25ish men” i was told and often getting intoxicated and “going home with whoever would take me”
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Why in the world would she tell you that?
 
maxima96se said:
Ok, so ive been dating this girl for around 5 months now, we are both catholic, and her past is cause of a good deal of mental distress in my life. I care about this girl quite a bit, and i can see myself developing a future with her and her 2 year old daughter. When we first started talking she informed me that she had lead a promiscuous lifestyle in the past, sleeping with “25ish men” i was told and often getting intoxicated and “going home with whoever would take me”. Now when getting to know her this was the only red flag i could find and believe me i am a very picky person and a very good judge of character. She had assured me that this was all in her past and she was very ashamed of it and it pains her to think about it. She has also gone to confession and spoken with a priest about this. She was looking for love and going about it completely wrong. She has also had 3 serious relationships in her life time as well. Well since the beginning of the relationship our feelings have grown, we attend church, pray, say the rosary, etc…together. I had also found out that up until a month before we met this behavior was still going on.

My problem is that the thoughts of her past haunt me. I think about it a lot and worry about her reverting to her old lifestye for various reasons, especially with the combination of alcohol and sex. It also worries me that things i have to offer her, not just sexually, may be worth less in her eyes since she has given herself to so many. What can i do to rectify this issue because so far it is the only probllem we have had. But it is a big one.

Sorry to seemingly ramble on, just thought some history on the subject was appropriate.
I appreciate any advice. Thank you! 🙂
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Every Saint has a past. Every sinner has a future.
 
Sirach2 said:
Last night on TCC, Fr. Cedric (Live With Passion) talked about making choices. He began with the story of the Israelites in the wilderness and the way God led them using the cloud. When it lifted, they moved camp, but if it hovered, they stayed put. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we had such certain assurance to guide us?

He continued, saying that the final umpire in our choices is the “Peace of God” within. Not everything will be black or white, but as we strive to follow God’s will and do all we can to make wise choices, He will give us a strong peace that enables us to go forward, for better or worse. No matter what the choice, we will face difficulties: a job, a vocation to religious life, a marriage, single life. Temptations and struggle will always be a part of our lives, no matter how we decide.

In your case, there are several red flags that are not giving you the “peace beyond all understanding.”
  • She has also had 3 serious relationships in her life time. [Why did they fail?]
  • I had also found out that up until a month before we met this behavior was still going on.
  • She has a 2-year old child conceived out of wedlock. I trust you know the circumstances of that birth, and why the child is fatherless.
  • One of the 25 who had sex with her may have transmitted an incurable HIV disease that will certainly effect you. These remain dormant for many years and do not become visible at once. Ask any dermatologist.
OTOH, thank God that she seems to be repentent – for now – but before making any further plans, I would give it a looooooong period of testing and look for that peace of God that moves you forward. These same doubts will return, even during marriage, whenever you suspect unusual behavior on her part.

God be with you and guide you.
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Where did you get the info in your second bullet? It is early and I’m still working on my coffee, but I don’t see it. If it’s true I would agree that that is a red flag.

Honestly, what came to my mind immediately was your 4th bullet. If you choose to continue with this relationship, she needs to get tested for you.
 
It was at the end of OP’s first paragraph. Do a Ctrl F and type in “month”. It will take you there.
 
My advice would be to simply take any decision slowly and carefully

Your gut will tell you if it is worth investing time in and if the answer is yes, then shr will understand.

She has been honest to date with her past. That’s a tough thing to do - credit goes there.

The rest is about protecting yourself and making sure everyhing is right

I believe time is the best cure for all. Be patient, explain your reasons to want to go s…l…o…w… and if she is genuine she will be in for that plan.

Take your time and reflect honestly

Good luck!
 
If she was leading a sexually promiscuous lifestyle up to a month before you started going out, that is a big issue. I am a mother of 2 very young children and the first thought that came to my mind was that she behaved in such a destructive way while she had her child. I’m not saying that people can’t change and she is a failure - not at all. But there are red flags all over the place and I would be cautious if I were you. If you can’t deal with her past in terms of the number of men she’s been with, don’t feel pressured by people who think that the past is irrelevant into forcing yourself to accept something that is so difficult for you. Everybody has some kind of a delabreaker when it comes to relationships, even the ‘never judge’ crowd. In any case, take it slowly and see if you two could work together as a married couple, with history as a part of it.
 
While I know its easy to just say, “don’t think about it, think about your future”, it isn’t exactly constructive or helpful. I had a similar feeling about my husband’s past. While I need not go into scenario differences, I can state plainly that I would have also said thoughts of his past haunted me. Keep this is your heart first: if she has reconciled with God and been forgiven, and if she has committed to living in that way no more, then rejoice with her. Her return to a life of purity and faith is like the Prodigal son, which makes God so very happy!! When thoughts of my husband’s past would creep into my mind, I would feel sick. These were images that I did not want to see. What helped me is, when the thoughts or images would come to my mind, I would consciously force myself to picture the Divine Mercy instead. It is Jesus, with two rays representing the blood and water flowing from His side, with His right hand in a sign of peace. If you are unfamiliar with it, the image will be easy to find with a Google search. Doing this aided me in replacing my disappointment with rejoicing of new life, and my fear of a return to old ways with a hope and confidence in our future. Focusing on mercy has rooted those evil thoughts out of my heart.
 
hello maxima96se

its sad to see you in this way.have you ever thought that the confidence you thought you had was never there ? or was not deep enough to face some thing like this.

never the less,im sure you can over come this,in time,because that is how things are built.

some girls need a father figure,now that figure needs to be confident wouldnt you say?

i also believe that TIME provides…

and it is LOVE that heals and cures…

and the holy spirit binds us with the two above…

can you see the resemblance of the trinity in it?

that is how ive gotten over similar problems in my life time… its hard but follow your heart and it will not let you down.

remind your partner that she is priceless to you.and her child…

im sure some people in the shoes she has worn (not saying your partner) feel worthless.point out that the two of them are the centre of you life and gods blessings to you all…

in my prayers …i empathize with you…

it will get better,believe me…👍

one last thing to remember…

i always look at my self self before thinking about any thing other people do or say,and these words come to mind…

let him without sin cast the first stone…

it usually shuts me up straight away,or i move on and get out of the way…
 
this used to help me out no end,i recommend it…

Footprints Prayer

Footprints in the Sand

One night I had a dream…
I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord, and
Across the sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand;
One belonged to me, and the other to the Lord.
When the last scene of my life flashed before us,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that many times along the path of my life,
There was only one set of footprints.
I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in my life
This really bothered me, and I questioned the Lord about it.
"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,
You would walk with me all the way;
But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life,
There is only one set of footprints.
I don’t understand why in times when I
needed you the most, you should leave me.
The Lord replied, “My precious, precious
child. I love you, and I would never,
never leave you during your times of
trial and suffering.
When you saw only one set of footprints,
It was then that I carried you.”

share this with your partner if needed.if not keep it for yourself…or pass it on to others…

god bless you…
 
maxima96se said:
Ok, so ive been dating this girl for around 5 months now, we are both catholic, and her past is cause of a good deal of mental distress in my life. I care about this girl quite a bit, and i can see myself developing a future with her and her 2 year old daughter. When we first started talking she informed me that she had lead a promiscuous lifestyle in the past, sleeping with “25ish men” i was told and often getting intoxicated and “going home with whoever would take me”. Now when getting to know her this was the only red flag i could find and believe me i am a very picky person and a very good judge of character. She had assured me that this was all in her past and she was very ashamed of it and it pains her to think about it. She has also gone to confession and spoken with a priest about this. She was looking for love and going about it completely wrong. She has also had 3 serious relationships in her life time as well. Well since the beginning of the relationship our feelings have grown, we attend church, pray, say the rosary, etc…together. I had also found out that up until a month before we met this behavior was still going on.

My problem is that the thoughts of her past haunt me. I think about it a lot and worry about her reverting to her old lifestye for various reasons, especially with the combination of alcohol and sex. It also worries me that things i have to offer her, not just sexually, may be worth less in her eyes since she has given herself to so many. What can i do to rectify this issue because so far it is the only probllem we have had. But it is a big one.

Sorry to seemingly ramble on, just thought some history on the subject was appropriate.
I appreciate any advice. Thank you! 🙂
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Welcome, OP.

Your girlfriend’s change could very well be genuine, but there are definitely a few red flags that should keep you from rushing into anything. In the first place, she has a 2 year-old daughter, and according to you she tends to lose control when alcohol is involved. It can be hard to let go of the party scene (I’m assuming you are both relatively young?), but if she’s a big drinker I’m wondering if her social life is more important than being a responsible mother and setting an example for her child. Remember that if the two of you became serious, she would be a role model not only to her child, but to yours as well.

The second red flag is the fact that her behavior has continued up to a month before you got involved. If you think about it, the reason she is practicing restraint and telling you that she’s changed her view could be because it is easier to do so since she has a new distraction (you) in her life. That is, she’s found a new man who appears willing to stick around, and so she is modifying her behavior for as long as it lasts. It seems to me that if she has not practiced self-control and restraint on her own for an extended period of time before she met you, you may be seeing improved behavior only because you have become the new crutch for her.

Again, it’s very possible that she is being genuine (I don’t want to automatically assume she is just telling you what you want to hear), but I don’t think that is something that can be ascertained in such a short period of time. I’m wondering if it’s better for you to separate for a while and really allow her to ponder her change of heart on her own, and provide moral and emotional support from a distance.

Sometimes it’s good to allow people to stand on their own two feet for a while, especially if they are attempting to overcome what they see as a weakness. This serves two purposes: it puts them “to the test” so to speak, so that the person concerned about their behavior can observe that the desire to change is sincere and coming from within the ones doing the changing. In addition, it can also give those who are making the change a sense of confidence in themselves, for if they are successful, they realize they have managed to tap into a source of inner strength and discipline which they may not have ever realized they had. This in turn can allow them to feel more secure in the knowledge that they are able to overcome any obstacles that might come their way in the future.

I’m sorry if this may not be what you wanted to hear, but it’s my honest opinion.:o I wish you both the best.
 
She is ashamed of her past. She has confessed. She attends Mass with you, prays with you, etc. How long will you hold her past against her? Your insecurity will cause more problems than her past will, I’m afraid. If you truly love this woman and she is on the right path now, pray and trust in God to keep her there. The past is the past - it can’t be changed no matter how it makes YOU feel. She can’t erase it and you have no right to claim it. Accept her for who she is now and pray for her, and for both of you. You are both in my prayers. 🙂
 
Delaine75 said:
She is ashamed of her past. She has confessed. She attends Mass with you, prays with you, etc. How long will you hold her past against her? Your insecurity will cause more problems than her past will, I’m afraid. If you truly love this woman and she is on the right path now, pray and trust in God to keep her there. The past is the past - it can’t be changed no matter how it makes YOU feel. She can’t erase it and you have no right to claim it. Accept her for who she is now and pray for her, and for both of you. You are both in my prayers. 🙂
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It doesn’t seem to me that this is a case of the OP being unwilling to forgive anything in his girlfriend’s past - it’s that he’s concerned that she hadn’t modified her behavior prior to meeting him. If she had said that she had been promiscuous six years ago, but had a change of heart and has been practicing celibacy ever since then, I don’t he would be as concerned. The time frame is the issue here, I think.
 
Reminds me of notes that I wrote for a presentation on ethics:
Now I will discuss why I think that fornication is unethical.
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We can see by our own experiences that we are not like animals when it comes to sex. We do not just want to have sex with people without any concern for anything else. When we hear of our lover telling us that he/she had relationships with another we feel jealous or insecure, somehow inadequate. Deep down we do not hope that we are the best lover, but that we are the TRUE love. Somehow learning that there was another that he/she gave himself/herself to someone else before disturbs our sense of inner peace. The way to give yourself completely is to abstain from giving anyone else intimate physical affection. When people marry they promise to be totally self-giving to each other, so after that point is the perfect time. Many would call this childish or naïve, but doing what is right in this world often entails being ridiculed by the sophisticated.
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lerapt78 said:
It doesn’t seem to me that this is a case of the OP being unwilling to forgive anything in his girlfriend’s past - it’s that he’s concerned that she hadn’t modified her behavior prior to meeting him. If she had said that she had been promiscuous six years ago, but had a change of heart and has been practicing celibacy ever since then, I don’t he would be as concerned. The time frame is the issue here, I think.
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You could be right. In that case, if the OP doesn’t feel the woman has modified her behavior (that’s just not what I was getting from his post … 🤷), my concern would be why he is continuing to be with her. Being involved with someone you believe may still be sexually promiscuous or have issues with alcohol or whatever is a recipe for disaster.
 
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