My husband has a very similar past to your gf’s. Lots of partying/drinking/drugs, sex, all of that. He has at least one acknowleged child that he pays child support for, but believes there are others.
I’m going to be honest. People say that such a past should not matter, especially if there has been confession. BUT IT DOES. You can’t just make yourself forgive and forget and live happily ever after. Whether it should or not, it HURTS. All of his kisses and caresses and words have been meant, at one time, for others. They will never truly be all mine. My body is not special, he has “been there, done that” and seen and touched many others before. So many he can’t even remember them all. Nothing is new for him, I am just a different version of what he is already used to.
It is worse for me because he was my first. Everything we have done has been new and special for me, until I remember that for him, it’s all just old hat tricks. It is impossible that he isn’t making comparisons; I know that I couldn’t help but compare the two kisses I had before knowing him with his kisses. And he will always have those memories of those other times with other women, that he can go back and relive again and again.
**Then there are the physical consequences. He gave me HPV, and I have since had two cancer scares and had to have some very uncomfortable and painful procedures done, and will likely need more in the future. Nothing like keeping yourself pure for someone special only to end up with genital warts and pre-cancerous lesions. **
One of his partners will always be a part of our lives, because they have a child together. I have to listen to them talk to each other. I know he talks to her when I’m not around. I wonder how much he thinks about when they were together. The child looks just like her mother, so when he looks at his daughter’s face and feels love, he is kind of looking at her mother and feeling love. They will always have a special connection. She is the mother of his firstborn. And I have to deal with that.
Just when you think you have put it all behind you, something comes along to bring it all back. Last night my sister called me, all excited, and said she found a name that she loves and thinks we should name a future child with it. It was the name of his first lover. She didn’t know, but I had to sit there and listen to her gush about the name of his first.
Or how about St. Valentine’s Day? My birthday is on St. Valentine’s Day. So is the birthday of the last woman he slept with that wasn’t me (incidentally, while we were already a couple. Yeah, I thought he had repented and “turned good,” too).
I’ll get flack for being so bitter, for not letting it go. It’s not Christian to harbor resentment and all that. DH went to confession, but later told me he didn’t actually regret his past. So I know that it is something that he doesn’t see as a bad thing, but rather, something enjoyable. You can’t just snap your fingers and forget and move on.
So, yeah, OP, I feel your pain. I did end up married to my DH, but I didn’t know everything I know now about his past when we got married. I am mostly happy, but, as you can tell, his past is still an issue for me. I would love to get couple’s counseling, but DH is hesitant. I don’t think this is a reason for you to end your relationship, but it is something you are going to have to deal with, forever, make no mistake about that.
God bless.
