S_A_M
New member
this will be NEVER be part of possible solutions
- Status
C
ConfusedLucy
Guest
I would be consulting a lawyer as this situation smells fishier than Billingsgate Market and it’s wise to be prepared.
S_A_M
New member
The Church forbid divorce
G
Gwendolen
Guest
Agreed !!! I’m all for supporting the OP as she continues to try to salvage her marriage, and we were working under the assumption it was a one night stand.
They do need to consult a lawyer about all of these things, and it is super odd, if a one night stand, the husband is not jumping to it.
Marriage is about “no longer 2 but 1”. It is quite admirable that the OP wants to forgive, and remain 1, but both parties have to buy in. She cannot do this alone. Right now, the husband’s (and SIL) behavior after the affair, and recently, is every bit as concerning as the affair itself. It takes a certain kind of heartless to insist on seeing the baby in the hospital leaving his suffering wife sobbing in the lobby. He does not seem to be taking responsibility for the consequences of his sin, continuing to pass the pain to her. Preparing herself for this relationship with mistress being ongoing - be that sexual, or an otherwise unhealthy detrimental entanglement, is probably wise, given his recent behavior. It does not mean not honoring the OP’s desire to save her marriage, but helping her prepare if the marriage does not survive despite her heroic efforts. She has been blindsided enough. There may be steps she can take now to protect herself. At this point, she should probably take them, very sorry to say.
They do need to consult a lawyer about all of these things, and it is super odd, if a one night stand, the husband is not jumping to it.
Marriage is about “no longer 2 but 1”. It is quite admirable that the OP wants to forgive, and remain 1, but both parties have to buy in. She cannot do this alone. Right now, the husband’s (and SIL) behavior after the affair, and recently, is every bit as concerning as the affair itself. It takes a certain kind of heartless to insist on seeing the baby in the hospital leaving his suffering wife sobbing in the lobby. He does not seem to be taking responsibility for the consequences of his sin, continuing to pass the pain to her. Preparing herself for this relationship with mistress being ongoing - be that sexual, or an otherwise unhealthy detrimental entanglement, is probably wise, given his recent behavior. It does not mean not honoring the OP’s desire to save her marriage, but helping her prepare if the marriage does not survive despite her heroic efforts. She has been blindsided enough. There may be steps she can take now to protect herself. At this point, she should probably take them, very sorry to say.
G
Gwendolen
Guest
Uh, OK, what if the husband ends up divorcing her? She is not the one putting her marriage in jeopardy and acting like she is not married. This is about husband’s behavior, not wife wanting divorce as an option. I don’t think it would be unwise to ask a lawyer how to prepare in case that might happen.
M
Mi_Rose
Guest
Canon 2383 allows divorce in some circumstances.
C
ConfusedLucy
Guest
I hope you are doing better today and I really hope there aren’t more revelations.
I don’t know if your parents have a will but I would be looking at getting it written so you and your children are specifically named if they aren’t already.
I don’t know if your parents have a will but I would be looking at getting it written so you and your children are specifically named if they aren’t already.
A
angel12
Guest
That’s not your decision.
S_A_M
New member
ok, so we’re just gonna back to our main discussion, and note that I will always stick to my opinion: never divorce. so, other than consulting lawyer, which have some good point for doing it, is there’s any other better ideas anyone want suggest?
and, if anyone ever wonder, why I always insisting to never divorce, it is based on my family experience (which I’m not gonna discuss for now). through that experience, I just keep being reminded by the voice in my head based on Mark 5:36 that says like this: “don’t be affraid, just believe”
and also this preaching keep strengthening me, and God really give a miracle to our family.
and I am really witnessing that God already prepared the way out long before the problem even came to your life
keep praying, @anakate .
and, if anyone ever wonder, why I always insisting to never divorce, it is based on my family experience (which I’m not gonna discuss for now). through that experience, I just keep being reminded by the voice in my head based on Mark 5:36 that says like this: “don’t be affraid, just believe”
and also this preaching keep strengthening me, and God really give a miracle to our family.
and I am really witnessing that God already prepared the way out long before the problem even came to your life
keep praying, @anakate .
T
TheLittleLady
Guest
PLEASE, Joel Osteen, “Name it and Claim it” Prosperity Gospel is the very last thing that anyone needs, especially our original poster.
T
TheLittleLady
Guest
I have 12,825 better things to do than to listen to something that is diametrically opposed to Church teaching.
Growing up in the “prosperity gospel” world, it is a brutal, savage teaching. If God actually were like that, I would now be an Atheist and likely a dead Atheist.
This man teaches this theology: If you have enough faith you will be rich, thin, healthy and happy. If you are poor, suffering, in pain, it is all YOUR fault because you do not have enough faith.
People suffer. People who love God and have great faith suffer the most. Suffering is redemptive. God does send us consolations in our sufferings, He gives us grace to rejoice in our sufferings. Sometimes we suffer at the hands of other people.
Mr Osteen is not Catholic, he does not preach the Gospel, he leads people into a fake pseudo-religion.
Growing up in the “prosperity gospel” world, it is a brutal, savage teaching. If God actually were like that, I would now be an Atheist and likely a dead Atheist.
This man teaches this theology: If you have enough faith you will be rich, thin, healthy and happy. If you are poor, suffering, in pain, it is all YOUR fault because you do not have enough faith.
People suffer. People who love God and have great faith suffer the most. Suffering is redemptive. God does send us consolations in our sufferings, He gives us grace to rejoice in our sufferings. Sometimes we suffer at the hands of other people.
Mr Osteen is not Catholic, he does not preach the Gospel, he leads people into a fake pseudo-religion.
H
hurtandhealing
Guest
OP, please forgive me for quoting this on this thread where you are looking for help.
In a country where there are no fault divorce laws, then an innocent wife cannot stop a divorce if her husband chooses this path. If he does, you can be sure that he will have spoken with an attorney. It would be in this family’s best interest to be sure that she knows her rights or she may be blind-sighted by her husband and make mistakes that costs benefits (and even custody).
A husband can simply move out and stop contributing to his family, in which case the wife may need legal assistance. If this happens, then many times the only way to force him to continue providing is with a legal separation. In some states, divorce is automatic after a period of separation. This can even be simply a physical separation. An innocent spouse cannot force a wayward spouse to live at home if he chooses not to.
So SAM, you have caused this thread to be derailed longer than it ever should have been. You have also required the rest of us to talk in much greater detail than she may be ready for, because we cannot allow you to stop her from protecting herself and her girls. And if there is one thing evident here is that her husband is not taking care of and protecting his wife and daughters.
I don’t think there is a poster here who wants this family to split up. The way I looked at it when speaking with an attorney was that my husband was working in opposition to caring for his family. I did many things to prepare to our family in many areas in case had left. I sincerely hope for the healing in this family that mine had.
SAM, you have shared your views. I believe you think you are doing the right thing, but you are acting in opposition to this poster’s needs right now.
So SAM, let’s clarify this last point of Cecilia’s:
In a country where there are no fault divorce laws, then an innocent wife cannot stop a divorce if her husband chooses this path. If he does, you can be sure that he will have spoken with an attorney. It would be in this family’s best interest to be sure that she knows her rights or she may be blind-sighted by her husband and make mistakes that costs benefits (and even custody).
A husband can simply move out and stop contributing to his family, in which case the wife may need legal assistance. If this happens, then many times the only way to force him to continue providing is with a legal separation. In some states, divorce is automatic after a period of separation. This can even be simply a physical separation. An innocent spouse cannot force a wayward spouse to live at home if he chooses not to.
So SAM, you have caused this thread to be derailed longer than it ever should have been. You have also required the rest of us to talk in much greater detail than she may be ready for, because we cannot allow you to stop her from protecting herself and her girls. And if there is one thing evident here is that her husband is not taking care of and protecting his wife and daughters.
I don’t think there is a poster here who wants this family to split up. The way I looked at it when speaking with an attorney was that my husband was working in opposition to caring for his family. I did many things to prepare to our family in many areas in case had left. I sincerely hope for the healing in this family that mine had.
H
hurtandhealing
Guest
OP, I hope you have are at your friend’s house and getting some time to think, pray, cry for yourself. I am worried about you. You need to eat, sleep and breath. Figure out what taste good that you can nibble on when you don’t feel like throwing up - preferably high in calories. (For me it was peanut butter Ritz bits and Apple Jacks with whole milk.) It wouldn’t hurt to talk to your OB and let him/her know what is going on.
I did some looking at ARC, specifically looking for a list they used to have of common mistakes at the start of recovery. I couldn’t find it myself but did find this free course: First Steps Bootcamp for Surviving Infidelity. I looked at the schedule and see that there is a wealth of information that will probably include this list.
I can tell you that I took 2 classes with them: one for hurt spouses and one for couples working together. I would not have been able to heal well without these resources.
God is holding you in His hands right now - I promise. I know it doesn’t feel like it. But Jesus and His Mom are sitting with you as you cry. It is ok if you are angry with God right now. He can take it and understands that you need this right now. We all will continue to pray with you and for you.
I did some looking at ARC, specifically looking for a list they used to have of common mistakes at the start of recovery. I couldn’t find it myself but did find this free course: First Steps Bootcamp for Surviving Infidelity. I looked at the schedule and see that there is a wealth of information that will probably include this list.
I can tell you that I took 2 classes with them: one for hurt spouses and one for couples working together. I would not have been able to heal well without these resources.
God is holding you in His hands right now - I promise. I know it doesn’t feel like it. But Jesus and His Mom are sitting with you as you cry. It is ok if you are angry with God right now. He can take it and understands that you need this right now. We all will continue to pray with you and for you.
H
hurtandhealing
Guest
Thank you, SAM. Please start a new thread to discuss this video. Blessings to you…
A
angel12
Guest
If you want to talk about Joel Osteen and the Prosperity “Gospel,” I’d suggest starting a new thread, in the Non-Catholic Religion forum.
H
hoping4more
Guest
Tell him to look for another job now. Paying for child support for one kid is better than paying for 5!
Have your baby and then give your husband a two week notice. If he insist on continuing to visit his son, he can do it in the presence of her parents (without her) or she can drop the baby off at your in laws for a grandparent visit and he shows up later.
If he doesn’t want to make some adjustment then you can agree to begin visits with another man once he gets back from his ‘lady friend’ visits… I am sure his mind won’t change at all.
Frankly, that is just unacceptable. It is continuing to commit adultery.
Oh, per the earlier disloyalty of SIL, she would not be seeing my children!
Have your baby and then give your husband a two week notice. If he insist on continuing to visit his son, he can do it in the presence of her parents (without her) or she can drop the baby off at your in laws for a grandparent visit and he shows up later.
If he doesn’t want to make some adjustment then you can agree to begin visits with another man once he gets back from his ‘lady friend’ visits… I am sure his mind won’t change at all.
Frankly, that is just unacceptable. It is continuing to commit adultery.
Oh, per the earlier disloyalty of SIL, she would not be seeing my children!
Last edited:
G
Gwendolen
Guest
It is natural that we want to lash out at the husband, because of his devastating behavior. I think we need to refrain from giving advice that would escalate the situation.
He has already demonstrated that he is not going to follow his wife’s wishes for healing by insisting on visiting the newborn, and leaving her for an hour in the maternity room lobby, not immediately looking for another job, or a way to distance himself, not asking his mistress to attend another church, not seeking out advice from an attorney with his wife at his side. Making further demands with an “or else” then threatening “another man” is starting to get into crazy.
I’m not sure who the husband will listen to, when it comes to suggestions on how to conduct himself. Of course he needs to get another job, and not have contact with the mistress, but it doesn’t appear he is taking directions from his wife, or even her feelings into account. They need a good marriage counselor with experience healing relationships. The marriage counselor can make the suggestions, and work towards these things. We are turning the OP into the husband’s mama. That’s not her job. My guess is to be successful, she cannot bear this burden of getting him to conduct himself appropriately alone - this support will likely need to come from influence of multiple people he respects.
I’m guessing, too, he HAS already developed an attachment to this child, and going to need support himself in adjusting to the fact he is not raising his child as he is his others. Separation is likely painful (he was teary) and without support for this (not that the OP should be the one to give it) he may continue to act out. The fact that this is totally his fault does not make his pain less.
He has already demonstrated that he is not going to follow his wife’s wishes for healing by insisting on visiting the newborn, and leaving her for an hour in the maternity room lobby, not immediately looking for another job, or a way to distance himself, not asking his mistress to attend another church, not seeking out advice from an attorney with his wife at his side. Making further demands with an “or else” then threatening “another man” is starting to get into crazy.
I’m not sure who the husband will listen to, when it comes to suggestions on how to conduct himself. Of course he needs to get another job, and not have contact with the mistress, but it doesn’t appear he is taking directions from his wife, or even her feelings into account. They need a good marriage counselor with experience healing relationships. The marriage counselor can make the suggestions, and work towards these things. We are turning the OP into the husband’s mama. That’s not her job. My guess is to be successful, she cannot bear this burden of getting him to conduct himself appropriately alone - this support will likely need to come from influence of multiple people he respects.
I’m guessing, too, he HAS already developed an attachment to this child, and going to need support himself in adjusting to the fact he is not raising his child as he is his others. Separation is likely painful (he was teary) and without support for this (not that the OP should be the one to give it) he may continue to act out. The fact that this is totally his fault does not make his pain less.
- Status