My husband cheated and she's pregnant! I feel so betrayed

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The OP is committed to the marriage.

We, as Christians, need to support this family through this trial, not rub salt in the wounds.
 
It does not have to end the marriage but he can no longer be fully committed to his wife and her children because he now has an additional family with the mistress. It may take a lot of time to forgive and come to terms with this.
 
When the OP was referring to an “intact family” she gave examples of ways her family could maintain intact (not trading parents for holidays and such) that can be maintained.

I don’t understand what your end game is…acknowledging the OP’s pain that her family structure will never be the same, and this is very painful is supportive, but ruminating on how the OP’s husband “screwed over” the entire family, and now it is all “ruined” is not supportive – she came here asking us how to get through it, and she expressed a desire to get through it remaining in her marriage, which is a laudable (and Catholic) goal. That’s what we are all trying to help her do. Please join us!
 
Before you can heal it’s important to accept the situation for what it is. Also we still don’t even know for certain who the childs father is.
 
Thank you all. I apologize for my absence but with the pregnancy, hormones, and everything else going on I didn’t have the emotional energy. A few things I’d like to mention: as far as the employment situation, my husband doesn’t want to quit because he’ll lose his insurance which I obviously need right now. I’m not happy but she is on maternity leave so at least they’re not working together atm. There is no chance of her leaving or losing her job as it is her family’s business. Next, my husband doesn’t want to involve a lawyer both due. I consulted one anyway, one concern is child support. He isn’t likely to make as much when he finds another job. Since he is capable of making xxx that’s what child support will be based on, not a new salary.
Thisis all so overwhelming.
 
Also, when I went to mass Sunday I saw her, she made sure to rub and show off her belly looking over at me with a big smirk. She knew she had a family and is openly taunting me. Also,as I have mentioned she and my sister in law are good friends. I still don’t know if shes aware of the full situation but sil threw her a baby shower in the church activity center. Seriously! In a church to celebrate this?! There were pictures all over facebook and before I could block them I noticed all ofthe blue balloons. I have 3 girls and 1 on the way. This homewrecker is having my husband’s first son :cry:

I’ve talked to my parents but have little support, they want me to leave him. I believe in my marriage though. I took my vows in front of God and aim to keep them. My in laws are staying quiet about it and basically pretending nothing happened.
 
We also cobsulted with a priest and it was hurtful but at least i have answers. My husband revealed some hurtful but honest things about me. We’ve been discussing options. I think he shouldn’t have anymore contact. Hopefully some other man will want to adopt him later and he’ll be off the hook for child support. But my husband wants to know the child. I dont mind the baby, it’s my husbands and i can learn to love him. i just don’t want this woman in our lives. I don’t want my husband talking to her, seeing her or even having her contact information. I want her blocked from our lives.
 
anakate said:
A few things I’d like to mention: as far as the employment situation, my husband doesn’t want to quit because he’ll lose his insurance which I obviously need right now. I’m not happy but she is on maternity leave so at least they’re not working together atm.
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As you said, at least they are not working together right now, but I think he should use this time while she is on maternity leave for some intensive job searching. The goal should be to find a new job by the time she returns to work. (Or is that what he is planning on already? I wasn’t sure from your post.) Prayers for you; what a terrible situation. 😥
 
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Your husband works for her family?

Time to find another job. WalMart or Starbucks offer health insurance. If you are poor, every state has Medicaid for Pregnant Women. Staying at this job is not worth one more moment of his time.
 
Even if these things were honest, they do NOT excuse adultery. Whatever you do, do not allow him to try to blame you for his actions.
He seriously needs to be looking for another job. And let a lawyer handle child support.
 
Blessings
Sure, any person, who sins and lives in that sin,is a horrible person.
We hurt God and the ppl involved in the sin.
In n Christ’s love
Tweedlealice
 
Would having some sort of mediator to facilitate contact help, for example someone to drop off and collect the child so you two don’t have to interact with the other woman.

I’d definitely second some job hunting and I’m really sorry you are in this situation.
 
"when I went to mass Sunday I saw her, she made sure to rub and show off her belly looking over at me with a big smirk. She knew she had a family and is openly taunting me. There were pictures all over facebook and before I could block them I noticed blue balloons. I have 3 girls and 1 on the way. This homewrecker is having my husband’s first son :cry:

Gross! I’m so sorry!

It sounds like from your other post he revealed “some hurtful but honest things about me” and “now you know why”. That means to me that previously you were unaware you were doing anything to upset him - and instead of addressing whatever issues were troubling him, he decided to have an affair. This is obviously not the correct way to address a marital issue…

What I’m getting at here, is that the church should be supporting your efforts to heal, is it possible for church leadership to suggest that your family’s healing is their priority, and the other party needs to find another place of worship? I don’t think that is too much to ask. Her new church can focus on HER needs. Rubbing her belly and smirking at Mass at you is beyond inappropriate, and you should not have that salt in your wounds. Maybe after a lengthy period of time, and healing, she can return, or your husband can bring his son to Mass. You have too much on your plate to have to put up with this. There is a lot that you are going to have to deal with for which there is no fix, but this is a burden that really could be taken away.

It is distressing she is giving birth to your husband’s first son, although I will join other readers in encouraging a DNA test . However, as well, consider the consequences for her sin, as you are reaping the consequences of your husband’s:
  1. a pregnancy that could not fully be shared, embraced, or celebrated – with the father of her child, or really with the rest of the world. Imagine: “I’m having a baby!” Uh, great, whose the dad? “Oh, he’s married with a family…” Imagine the moments when we told our husbands we were pregnant, and the joy! I doubt your husband reacted in the same manner to the news.
  2. she is shopping for baby supplies, going to doctor’s appointments, largely alone…If he went to any, he went covertly, and likely left soon after. No after ultrasound icecream.
  3. we don’t know the details, but she may have given birth without him as well. They did not share the very special moments of the baby’s first days of life, to coo over, and exclaim. His birth is surrounded by discomfort.
  4. Filling out a birth certificate without being married to the father of her child. She will have to prove paternity. We are all questioning “are you sure it’s his?”. I’m guessing their are others in her life asking the same thing.
  5. While your in laws are silent, they are likely not impressed.
  6. Long days and nights as a single mom, with no one to “spell” her. Newborns and toddlers are exhausting.
    7)Having to eventually answer to her child about the details of his conception. The example he will have of a faithful spouse WILL BE YOURS.
  7. She is raising a son without the day to day presence of a father.
 
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I agree that it was in poor taste,and insensitive to you, to hold a baby shower for her, in the church. If her friends wanted to do this don’t they have homes?

It was good to talk to your priest. Mybe he can help sort this out further?

You have some difficult times ahead. Please, don’t make any decisions, especially ones you’ll have trouble changing,
until your child is born. You have been very generous in being willing to accept the child as a part of your family. Maybe you can designate a person, a friend or relative, to pick the child up, and bring him home, on visiting days, so that you and your husband won’t have to interact much with the mother?

I don’t envy you, in the situation you are in, but you have handled things with charity and grace, so far. If you can keep acting, for the most part, as you have been things should go well for you. Not perfect, but in a way you can all live with.
 
My husband and I have been working really hard to set aside alone time each day where we can have completely open and honest conversations. Well I almost regret that. He spring on me he wants to be at the hospital when his “son” is born. 😠
he’s been at the hospital when our children were born and says he can’t imagine not holding him or seeing him for the first time through a photo. He claims he will stay in the waiting room until someone comes to get him and will only go to the nursery to hold him for a few moments. IDK what to do? Saying yes will eat me alive saying no will leave me with so much quilt and I’m afraid he’ll hold it against me for years to come. as ridiculous and painful as it sounds I considered setting the conditions that I must go with him, that way I can see it is about his son only and not her. Also it would push the point that my husband and I are one still and he has my support. But that sounds crazy even to me. If I could choose he would have nothing to do with this child but I also love him and would hate to keep him from him. I want him to choose us, completely and wholely without a side child, but I can’t in good conscious make that decision for him.
 
I think that is a courageous decision. If I were your friend, I’d go with you.
 
Your husband brought this woman into your lives and unfortunately, if he’s determined to have a relationship with this child, its mother is going to remain in your lives. Permanently. Why does he think he’ll be a positive influence in this child’s life? He’ll be a part-time parent who’s really just a sperm donor. How exactly does that benefit the child? How does it benefit the child to know that he has a “real” family with whom he lives, that he knocked up someone else, and that he now offers his spare time to an illegitimate child? And how exactly does any of this benefit your three daughters? His choice sounds exceptionally selfish. Understandable – but not in the best interest of anyone save himself.
 
I don’t think he should have ANY contact with the mother without a chaperon.

I second he does not need to hold this child until he is sure it is his. If he insists, and you can stomach it, I would go to the hospital with him, to make sure his visit is outside the mother’s room. Having you visit together will also set the tone with the mom for how its going to be. You come as a package. She does not get to be with him alone again ever, even phone conversations should include an “accountability partner”. You will also be a part of this child’s life. Your husband is dedicated to his family. She, the baby, and the baby’s father are not a family because of bad choices. This is the consequence of sin. This lines need to be drawn, lest she get the wrong impression. If you cannot handle going, I would ask a church leader committed to supporting your marriage to accompany your husband.

Again, I am so sorry. I do think, despite the immense pain, there is a way through. Right now, you are paying the largest price. As the years pass, the burden will be borne more by her, and later, this poor child.
 
The problem is if this is the husband’s baby he does have legal and moral obligations that can’t be simply swept under the carpet. I would get a paternity test first too.
 
OP, please, please, please look into the resources I have provided (ARC and Shirley Glass). I am thrilled for you that you have met with your priest. Priests are wonderful resources, but few are experts on affair recovery. The fact that in your first meeting things turned into “what is wrong” with you, is a good indication that your priest doesn’t understand this dynamic. (During recovery, yes you will need to address deficiencies in the marriage, but that is not the first priority.)

Your husband’s first task is to do whatever you need to begin to feel safe.

How long ago did he tell you about this? How long has he known about the child? And does you believe that he wants to keep your marriage? I am stunned that he thinks he can tell you a month before the child is due and then expect to be a normal dad to this child.

These are very important questions for you and can help you know how to proceed.

In regards to the baby, again please read the Glass book. I know that she discusses how to work through this. I believe that I am passing on her advice, which is why I would want you to verify. Until it is proven that your husband is the father, he should have NOTHING to do with him or the mother. He shouldn’t talk to her or about her to anyone but you (and counselors/priests). He should block her from contacting him. (Normal recovery periods include a time period where the injured spouse has full access to all of the involved spouse’s accounts.) Until proven otherwise, this is not his child. Together the two of you can figure out who will contact YOU about the delivery so that you can proceed with testing. (Personally, I wouldn’t spend extra money for a pre-birth test. First of all, your husband is going to spend a lot of money on this child if it is his, and second, it sets some precedent that he isn’t her go-to person.)

If the two of you agree that he can be a part of this child’s life, then (I believe) Glass recommends that all communication about the child goes through you or someone you trust. Your husband and the mother should not have any contact. Since she doesn’t seem willing to place the child in a two parent home, then if she wants your husband’s involvement, it includes you. Start talking to him and your priest about Baptism. (My opinion here) I think that given the scandal and your children, it should be a private and quiet ceremony.

I continue to pray for you…
 
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