My husband forced me to have an abortion

[EasterJoy]

Yes, Brazil is very different to Canada. That’s why I suggested she go to a parish outside of her husbands influence.
She is also far away from her people and she grew up with different ideas than her husband did. Reconnection with her family could be healing. And seeing a priest at home might help also.
Seems to me the problem is her guilt. She has none, since she was forced. She should see a priest to help her overcome her feelings of guilt and her fear that she is damned.

The OP has no guilt. What happened was not her fault, and she had choice but to comply. God understands, I’m sure.
You are in my prayers.

What priest is going to get himself excommunicated by divulging what she says in confession? It is not as if he is free to talk about things she says that weren’t a sin at all.

She does not have to go to a different parish unless it would make her more comfortable to talk to a confessor who does not know her or her husband. It is like choosing her physician, though. It is most important that she find someone she trusts. She is not looking for a judge for her soul, but a physician!

 

[Deltadeliquent]

I’m not worried about a priest divulging her confession. Her husband already knows what happened.
I’m more worried about a priest being afraid of going against her husband, or more to the point, his family, since all sorts of repercussions might occur if the wife were given absoulution, or goodness! Actual help in general. If absoulution was given that’s an admission the act was wrong. And it’s illegal. What self respecting macho, rich and well known Brazilian man will put up with that?

I’m thinking along the lines of the Mafioso, not your average suburban Joe.

Just because you are a priest doesn’t mean you are not subject to all the human foibles, fears, and consequences other people are.

She needs someone on her side. Not someone in her family in law’s influence.

 

[Cone]

Hello all i am a cradle catholic living in brazil with my husband i am canadian well ive been married almost 11 years i have five children. I recenlty found out i was pregnant again i told my husband he simply said this one wont make it i didnt understand till he came home from the pharmacy with a bag the next day i was only 6 weeks along he took out the zycotec pills and told me to put them under my tongue i said no see abortion is illegal here if i took them and something happened and i went to a doctor i would immediately be arrested i keep refusing finally he said if i didnt he would divorce me and take my kids away which in brazil he could do his family is very very rich his father is in politics so i took them all three doses and began hemmoraging i bled for 3 days weeping over my baby will god ever forgive me am i excommunicated? Will god punish me horribly over this? Im horrified what if my mother is right now i will lose everything over this abortion including my soul im so sad i wish i could lay down and die to be with my baby i miss it so bad what can i do im scared to tell my priest what if he throws me out of church? I love my husband and know why he did this i almost bleed to death on the operating table 6 months ago when my last was born but i wanted this baby too whether its birth killed me or not! I dont know how to forgive myself or my husband over this am i going to hell

I’m very sorry about this situation and I’m praying for you. Please see a priest. God will forgive you, but you must also be able to forgive yourself.

 

[EasterJoy]

I’m not worried about a priest divulging her confession. Her husband already knows what happened.
I’m more worried about a priest being afraid of going against her husband, or more to the point, his family, since all sorts of repercussions might occur if the wife were given absoulution, or goodness! Actual help in general. If absoulution was given that’s an admission the act was wrong. And it’s illegal. What self respecting macho, rich and well known Brazilian man will put up with that?

I’m thinking along the lines of the Mafioso, not your average suburban Joe.

Just because you are a priest doesn’t mean you are not subject to all the human foibles, fears, and consequences other people are.

She needs someone on her side. Not someone in her family in law’s influence.

You have to remember that a priest does not have to get permission to give special absolution when no absolution is needed because the penitent is not the one who is culpable. Even in those cases where the priest needs permission to give absolution, these things are not made public except when the sin itself is notoriously public and some act of public renunciation of the act and public repentance is made necessary on that account. This woman is not in that category at all.

If her husband won’t allow her to go to confession or go to church, that is another matter, but she has not said anything about that. Many times someone who is so willing to flaunt even the most serious moral laws does not care one way or the other about priests, since they know the priests can’t expose what they hear in confession and can’t publicly shame them for what they have done in public without breaking the seal with regards to the wife’s confession.

 

[friardchips]

I’m not worried about a priest divulging her confession. Her husband already knows what happened.
I’m more worried about a priest being afraid of going against her husband, or more to the point, his family, since all sorts of repercussions might occur if the wife were given absoulution, or goodness! Actual help in general. If absoulution was given that’s an admission the act was wrong. And it’s illegal. What self respecting macho, rich and well known Brazilian man will put up with that?

I’m thinking along the lines of the Mafioso, not your average suburban Joe.

Just because you are a priest doesn’t mean you are not subject to all the human foibles, fears, and consequences other people are.

She needs someone on her side. Not someone in her family in law’s influence.

Deltadeliquent, I agree and don’t agree with comments you’ve made. In terms of confession, it would be best if the OP was pointed in the direction of Confession. It is not for you to distribute forgiveness and who and who is not responsible. This is in God’s hands and she should go to a priest and soon as possible.

But I do think that the OP seeing her family at some point is also necessary if not just to get some support. But these things the priest will advise. It does not matter what priest but a priest is who she needs, then I agree - family.

 

[friardchips]

Deltadeliquent, and especially EasterJoy, I agree and don’t agree with comments you’ve both made. It would be best if the OP was pointed in the direction of Confession. It is not, however, for anyone else to distribute forgiveness and balance the scales according to your opinions of who is and who is not responsible. This is in God’s hands and she should go to a priest and soon as possible.

I do think that the OP seeing her family at some point is also necessary for support and help. But these things the priest will advise. It does not matter what priest but a priest is who she needs, then family.

 

[Deltadeliquent]

I’m certainly not doing anything with absolution. That would be up to the priest, and he would take I to account the circumstances. As far as I understand the incident and Church teaching, the OP is not culpable. I might be wrong, I am not a priest, nor a canon lawyer.
. I never claimed to be able to hand out forgiveness in any way shape or form.

In fact I was not even thinking about confession. I was thinking about spiritual direction. Support, and advice.

Maybe my imagination has taken over with lurid visions of a woman in a foreign land who is threatened with the loss of her children if she goes against, or even seems to be disrespecting her traditional and powerful husband, and his family. Perhaps I’ve read too much history. It wasn’t so long ago that the OP could have been in America or in Europe and have the same situation.

Anyway, the OP is in my prayers.

 

[friardchips]

I’m certainly not doing anything with absolution. That would be up to the priest, and he would take I to account the circumstances. As far as I understand the incident and Church teaching, the OP is not culpable. I might be wrong, I am not a priest, nor a canon lawyer.
. I never claimed to be able to hand out forgiveness in any way shape or form.

In fact I was not even thinking about confession. I was thinking about spiritual direction. Support, and advice.

Maybe my imagination has taken over with lurid visions of a woman in a foreign land who is threatened with the loss of her children if she goes against her traditional and powerful husband. Perhaps I’ve read too much history. It wasn’t so long ago that the OP could have been in America or in Europe and have the same situation.

Anyway, the OP is in my prayers.

Adding to this last important post about ‘support and advice’, I wonder also about any nuns in the vicinity? They would be good support, could give ‘spiritual direction’, and may even know a priest with whom the nuns are associated.

 

[Stillsosola]

Brazil has very strict rules about abortion. Strict enough that dispensing this drug could land the pharmacist in jail.

If she could go to jail, I wonder what the penalty would be for her husband, since he is the one that supposedly obtained the drug.

I’m just stating in mexico abortion is illegal but as a previous poster pointed out there are organizations and places to obtain both medical abortions and surgical ones in all latin american countries also misoprostol sold as arthritis meficine or ulcer medicine is legaleverywhere also he has money it makez the world go round i feel very sorry for this woman so many women die from abortions worldwide how could you doubt her story at all you obviously arent living in brazil you dont know if you could buy the pills or not also i doubt highly her husband would get in trouble hes a man they tend to get away with murder easier than a woman

 

[crystal_waters]

I am so sorry you were forced to have an abortion…your husband may have thought he was protecting you but he had no right to force you to abort your child and use threats of divorce and taking your other kids away from you to force you to have an abortion…

Please talk to a priest in confession…i know you said abortion is illegal where you live but anything you tell a priest in confession is 100% private and he wont disclose it to anybody.

Also for your own peace of mind you may want to look into whether you can legally take your kids out of brazil without requiring your husbands permission just incase you get pregnant again and your husband tries to make you have another abortion…then you can grab your kids and get on a plane to canada…

Heres some links that may be of help to you.

postabortionhelp.org/pah/

hopeafterabortion.com/

www.rachelsvineyard.org/

 

[EasterJoy]

Deltadeliquent, and especially EasterJoy, I agree and don’t agree with comments you’ve both made. It would be best if the OP was pointed in the direction of Confession. It is not, however, for anyone else to distribute forgiveness and balance the scales according to your opinions of who is and who is not responsible. This is in God’s hands and she should go to a priest and soon as possible.

I do think that the OP seeing her family at some point is also necessary for support and help. But these things the priest will advise. It does not matter what priest but a priest is who she needs, then family.

Of course she should see a priest, but we can examine our own consciences and know whether or not we gave consent to an act of mortal seriousness. I did not forgive anything, but only said that if she was compelled, she is not culpable. This is in the catechism, not something coming from me. Some people think that if a woman gets an abortion and didn’t have to be tied down, then she is excommunicated. That is simply not true.

She is capable of knowing whether she consented to what she did or not. This is why we are taught in catechism as first and second graders that a mortal sin requires an act of will, that it isn’t simply a matter of the seriousness of the act. I did not make up the passage of canon law that I cited. Part of examining our consciences before we go to confession is examining whether or not we *freely *chose to do what we did. We don’t have to be totally unfettered by pressure, but there is a point! It makes a difference, and the priest cannot read minds. When we confess having done something, we are saying that we are responsible for the choice.

Having said that, it is by far the safest to ask a confessor to help us with this, if there is any danger that we are in self-denial about our part in choosing the action. I don’t think she will really be able to convince herself that this is not on her head until she does this, and that healing is what everyone wants for her, whether she is 0% responsible or 100% responsible. On that account, I agree with the advice that she talk to a priest about this in the confidentiality of confession at her first opportunity.

What she should not do is to fear to tell a priest about this. Here in Oregon we have a man who murdered one person, was sent to prison, and murdered another person after being sent to prison, and notoriously fought for the right to be executed, to have a court overrule the governor, who deferred his execution. That man repented from his sins and was confirmed in the Catholic Church by our Archbishop this spring. There is never a reason for someone with sorrow over a gravely wrong action to ever fear coming to a priest for healing. You are right: It is the priest’s office to discern what is needed to accomplish that healing. What is mainly important is that the person who is turning away from the whole matter not fear at all coming to talk to her pastor about it.

 

[friardchips]

Of course she should see a priest, but we can examine our own consciences and know whether or not we gave consent to an act of mortal seriousness. I did not forgive anything, but only said that if she was compelled, she is not culpable. This is in the catechism, not something coming from me. Some people think that if a woman gets an abortion and didn’t have to be tied down, then she is excommunicated. That is simply not true.

She is capable of knowing whether she consented to what she did or not. This is why we are taught in catechism as first and second graders that a mortal sin requires an act of will, that it isn’t simply a matter of the seriousness of the act. I did not make up the passage of canon law that I cited. Part of examining our consciences before we go to confession is examining whether or not we *freely *chose to do what we did. We don’t have to be totally unfettered by pressure, but there is a point! It makes a difference, and the priest cannot read minds. When we confess having done something, we are saying that we are responsible for the choice.

Having said that, it is by far the safest to ask a confessor to help us with this, if there is any danger that we are in self-denial about our part in choosing the action. I don’t think she will really be able to convince herself that this is not on her head until she does this, and that healing is what everyone wants for her, whether she is 0% responsible or 100% responsible. On that account, I agree with the advice that she talk to a priest about this in the confidentiality of confession at her first opportunity.

What she should not do is to fear to tell a priest about this. Here in Oregon we have a man who murdered one person, was sent to prison, and murdered another person after being sent to prison, and notoriously fought for the right to be executed, to have a court overrule the governor, who deferred his execution. That man repented from his sins and was confirmed in the Catholic Church by our Archbishop this spring. There is never a reason for someone with sorrow over a gravely wrong action to ever fear coming to a priest for healing. You are right: It is the priest’s office to discern what is needed to accomplish that healing. What is mainly important is that the person who is turning away from the whole matter not fear at all coming to talk to her pastor about it.

I see. Yes, absolutely, the OP should definitely should not fear going to her priest and telling all. I think trying to do self-assessment will be somewhat a fruitless exercise though in this situation when in this state. But I see what you mean. Thanks for getting back, EasterJoy, and for your patience in explaining your angle. God bless.

 

[EasterJoy]

I see. Yes, absolutely, the OP should definitely should not fear going to her priest and telling all. I think trying to do self-assessment will be somewhat a fruitless exercise though in this situation when in this state. But I see what you mean. Thanks for getting back, EasterJoy, and for your patience in explaining your angle. God bless.

No, thank you. While it would be a great mistake for her to make this situation out to be the same as if she had gone and gotten those pills of her own free will and without anyone’s knowledge but her own, she should also not think she can get past this by saying to herself, “Ah, it was not my fault, I am so relieved, I’m going to forget all about this.” No, this obviously hurt her, it was obviously both a great wrong and a great loss to her and to the world, really. She needs healing of heart, and she ought to see a priest to help her with that. Most of the priests I know consider that to be the greatest part of their calling, next to the ability to offer Mass: that is, the office of bringing souls harmed by sin into mercy and healing. When they can do that for someone, they think, “This, Lord, is why I accepted your call, because You use me for this. What a gift you give me, and how good You are, Lord–I am not worthy, but I am thankful to be so close as to see You extend Your hand of mercy!”