C
Contra_Mundum_1
Guest
We moved here from Europe in spring and will stay for a couple of years.
I also hope that he is going through a phase. I guess it will all become more clear at some point.
- Status
I also hope that he is going through a phase. I guess it will all become more clear at some point.
C
Contra_Mundum_1
Guest
I think you are right. We started with NFP sometime during the 1st year of our marriage. We had 2 children close together and it has been for the last year that we have practiced NFP consistently. I have not been in the mood for intimacy much because I am so exhausted with the kids. Adding a layer of sexual morality that is alien and ridiculous to him makes things much worse, and suddenly I am accused of being ‘under the rule of that little man in a cape and his stupid institution’. Hm.
I know I shouldn’t have laughed, it was an immediate reaction to his statement. It never occured to me that he sees God as a rival in our marriage. But it makes sense the way you put it.
C
Contra_Mundum_1
Guest
Thank you for thinking of me and praying for me. I will do the same for you, that your husband graciously accepts your conversion and leaves you in peace to follow the path you have found.
K
KellyPalmer
Guest
I’m very sorry you are going through this. I believe that satan tries to attack us when we deepen our faith – that this is when he targets us the most. He sometimes uses loved ones to attack us. But he will soon learn that he has no hope in destroying your relationship with Christ. Keep praying and stay strong. I like St Michael prayer in times like this. And of course the Rosary.
C
Contra_Mundum_1
Guest
I’m not the type to see demons under every bed either, but there have been some strange things that happened since I started growing closer to Christ, and since I started praying daily for my husband about a year ago. I do believe in the reality of spiritual warfare and I suspect that I am experiencing it right now and that my husband is a part of it. The way he has turned against my faith and the church is just too weird and too intense. I’m sure there are several reasons for his behaviour, but I believe this is one of them.
J
Julia_Mae
Guest
I know, I would have laughed, too, just from being so surprised and finding it such an odd thought. I don’t know, would it help if you apologized and told him you didn’t realize how he was feeling? Somehow, I think, getting back to communication minus the anger could help a lot. Is it possible you can get away for a couple days from the kinds for some fun time and relaxed sex? Just - like put the whole thing on hold and try being together again?
M
maximus
Guest
This would be a good first step if it is just the husband feeling left out. A regular Date Night is a good thing if a trusted baby sitter is available.
T
TheRealJuliane
Guest
Yeah, sure, you try dropping everything and having great sex when your husband has said he wants out of the marriage and doesn’t love you, has never loved you, and hates your faith.
It wasn’t just a brief argument. Things like Contra Mundum is going through really damage a spouse’s trust for a long time…He’s hurt her and has not apologized. That’s not sexy, not by a long shot.
C
Contra_Mundum_1
Guest
The whole thing has really drained the life out of me. He has sincerely apologised several times for wanting to leave me and for saying he didn’t love me, never has, etc. I have been avoiding all discussion of the argument from 2 days ago. I just don’t want to talk about it, although he tried to rope me into conversation last night. No apology for that little outburst yet. I am a forgiving person and I will not hold a grudge against him for this. But if he just tries bashing my faith again in the same way I will tell him to shut up and not be as charitable as I have been so far. His behaviour has definitely not been sexy, I agree with that. But since we have agreed to work on our marriage we will do what is needed, including regular date night. I am hoping to get some help around the house soon - a couple of afternoons a week and a babysitter for evenings out now and then. I think that will make a difference to our relationship.Yeah, sure, you try dropping everything and having great sex when your husband has said he wants out of the marriage and doesn’t love you, has never loved you, and hates your faith.
It wasn’t just a brief argument. Things like Contra Mundum is going through really damage a spouse’s trust for a long time…He’s hurt her and has not apologized. That’s not sexy, not by a long shot.
T
TheRealJuliane
Guest
Well, you’re a better person than I am!
I’d have a hard time trusting my husband - in fact, I do have a hard time trusting him! I have to pray all the time, for grace to forgive. We’ve been to counseling twice now, and both times, we got to a certain point and then just stopped - and neither time did the counselor challenge him to work on his own wounds from his childhood.However, date nights were suggested by the counselor the first time we went, and we’ve kept that up, although we only go out to dinner, never anything else. I would suggest fun activities that both of you enjoy - it takes work to plan that, but in our case, many times the conversation just defaults back to his work, which is part of our problem. If you had any common interest before the kids came along, such as music, dancing, etc., try to do that, or something unusual like going bowling. Just fun stuff where you won’t be too tempted to start talking about your problems.
Praying for you. I hope his counseling starts soon. Are you already seeing someone? Are you planning to see a marriage counselor together? I think that would really be helpful.
J
Julia_Mae
Guest
You might both find the simple change of scene and lack of stress from kids and job, brings back a lot of the affection, and leads to intimacy. But the blunt fact is, if sex is what he needs, you can do that as his loving wife whether you are particularly in the mood or not. It’s a kindness.
C
Contra_Mundum_1
Guest
He does not want to go into councelling. I think he should, in order to work out his issues, but he is in denial about them. I have told him that if he does something nutty again I will not first consult a lawyer but send him to a doctor. I am worried about his refusal to deal with certain problems because they don’t just go away. I’m sure you know well what it is like to live with a person who has not dealt with old wounds and bad behaviour patterns in their relationships.
I am not sure if I want to go now myself. I’ve been to councelling before and it helped me (it was about my NPD father), but now things are different, the way I feel is different. I’m a bit afraid of too much navel gazing to be honest. I think that regular prayer, the sacraments and going to adoration will heal me over time in the way I need. But if I see that I am stuck and need help, I will go and see someone.
We talked about marriage councelling, but then we kind of left it and have not made definite plans. The religion talk from the other night is a big warning for me because of the way he addressed the topic. He obvioulsy needs to get things out of the system and the way he is doing it is by being hurtful to me and by punishing me. Not good. I think that we should go, but again, he is a bit reluctant. I can handle such conflict for now, given the recent events, but there is no way I can live with them, have such outbursts as something that happens in regular intervals whenever hubby is stressed out over something. So I think I will bring up marriage councelling again over the weekend.
Thank you so much for the prayers.
J
joanofarc2008
Guest
I would suggest starting with the marriage counseling and then let the counselor make referrals from there.
T
TheRealJuliane
Guest
I agree. See if he will go to counseling with you.
C
Contra_Mundum_1
Guest
I keep thinking about this and praying for the ability to be genuinely kind to him, despite the hurt that I’m feeling. I keep wondering if having this elephant in the room will cause the rift between us to become deeper over time. But I understand well that discussing it would make things worse. There are no easy answers here. I guess the only thing I can do is pray and take it day by day. I’m going to adoration of friday. That always helps me cope with difficulties.
D
daisybee
Guest
There are still many of us thinking of you and praying for you, Contra.
C
Contra_Mundum_1
Guest
Thank you. No idea how I would cope if I were alone in this.
J
jilly4ski
Guest
I do not agree. Contra’s husband spent the last several months threatening to leave her with the kids (said he didn’t even want a relationship with them). Saying he didn’t love her and has never loved her. Only recently has he apologized and he continues their marital strife by belittling her and her faith. This is not a man I would be having marital relations with. He either is a supreme manipulator (if we take him at his word) or a liar. It would not be a kindness to potentially bring a child into the world under such marital strife. Not the mention the severe lack of trust.
D
daisybee
Guest
I thought they had reconciled and he was no longer belittling the faith? Most recently he had spoken openly about his frustrations/dislike of the faith, but I don’t think he was continuing to belittle it. (I know, fine line.)
I think withholding sex could be damaging. In For Better, Forever (by Dr Gregory Popcak, Catholic family therapist), Popcak mentions withholding sex in a problematic way–it can sometimes be a way for wives try to “prove their worth,” according to him. If they’re reconciled, they’re reconciled, and more unity and bonding would be important. If bringing another child into the family would not be a responsible thing to do right now, that seems to be a good reason to abstain during fertile periods.
But really, this issue and others surrounding it are so sensitive–I worry that I and all the rest of us on this thread may be offering advice that could be potentially damaging. I think it is of utmost importance to let properly trained professionals guide this couple—a marriage/family therapist (now that’s the person that could offer research and experience-based guidance about sexual relations in a troubled marriage) and a pastoral counselor. (Contra, what happened to the kind priest with whom you spoke a while back?)
C
Contra_Mundum_1
Guest
We reconciled a month ago, apologies were said, our life started to slowly get back to normal and then he attacked my faith full force a week ago. I don’t know if that will happen again, but if it does I will fight back. I let it go this time but he must not get the idea that he can assault me like this whenever he is feeling down or frustrated with something. Because things are still fresh I understand that an episode such as this one is not unusual. But it has to stop. I never attack his beliefs, although I can now admit here that I think they are idiotic and that he is both intellectually and spiritually lazy.
I have emailed the priest again to wish him a merry Christmas and a happy New Year. Hopefully I will get a chance to see him again and talk about this problem.
What I find most difficult in all of this is that I have been manipulated, insulted and bellitled for my faith before. I converted 20 years ago when I was a teen and some of my family members did not take it well. It was truly awful. So many times I left my grandmother’s home crying and feeling so humiliated and hurt because of her bigotry. I now feel like I have been taken back to those days, when I fear what my loved ones will throw at me next and where I am silenced once again. I can’t even imagine telling my husband a single thing concerning my faith. And it used to be so easy, such a pleasure to talk to him about it. One of the things that I have realised over the years is that I can’t be close to people with whom I am not comfortable talking about my faith. I can have a nice relationship but not a true friendship because of the barrier that stands between us. I am not the type to push my beliefs onto people or to even want to talk about it much. But I have to feel comfortable if the topic arises and I have to feel the person respects me, which includes the fact that I am religious. I don’t feel comfortable with my husband regarding this anymore because he does not respect that fact that I am religious, and I wonder how long, if ever, it will take for me to relax and trust him enough in order to open up and mention God again. I doubt that I ever will to be honest. How could I after this? For this reason I fear that I will never be close to him again in the way I was in the past. I don’t think he understands what has happened to me, how deeply he hurt me and what the consequences are.
I seem to come across such people all the time. I very rarely meet people who are practicing Christians. I don’t know if this is bad luck, God’s plan or me just making bad choices when it comes to people and not seeing things clearly. My whole life seems like a futile battle against crude atheism and I am worn out by it. I escaped from it for a few years but now it is back with a vengance, in my own home. I know this sounds melodramatic and I do admit, I am feeling quite sorry for myself right now.
What am I supposed to learn from these repeating life circumstances? Is this a way God is drawing me closer to Himself? I’m really trying hard to see how this cross I have been given is a gift. I’m sure it is but I just can’t see it now.
- Status