My Husband Is a Mysterious Island Around Which I Paddle (an article)

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Heh heh heh… Tell** that** to Feminists! I am sure this would go over reeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaallll big there! heh heh heh. Tee heee. Yeeeeeeahhhhhhh… Um hm. No Doubt there…😉
 
Ugh, I hate articles like that. Seriously, it hurts me very much to read them.

See, I have experienced exactly what this article describes – but in reverse. My husband often shows he doesn’t respect me – not by being rude but simply casting doubt on my ability and competence. He even once told me in so many words that he didn’t respect me, that it was impossible to respect me because I don’t do the things he respects.

Oh, but I’m not supposed to mind that! Because I’m female! I just need love!

Nope. No good. He’s always loved me unconditionally, puts me first, etc. But without respect, it’s not a relationship of equals. I feel like the woman in A Doll’s House – petted, loved, but like a toy or a child. Does not work.

For a long time I withdrew and shared nothing of my real self with him. He didn’t realize what was going on, but every fight turned into WWIII and there were very few good moments.

It was only when I was able to tell him, “Look, it’s not enough for you to love me, you have to respect me, too” that things got better. And it’s still a work in progress.

Articles like this are just one more thing to mask from husbands their need to RESPECT their wives as well as love them. I do think respect is something that comes more easily to men, like love comes more easily to women, but both men and women NEED both love and respect. And it makes me so angry to see so-called experts suggest that there’s something wrong with me, or that I shouldn’t want what I do because I’m female.

Call it a “feminist rant,” but this sort of thinking almost destroyed my marriage, so I think it’s fair to speak up.
 
sheilathebard said:
Ugh, I hate articles like that. Seriously, it hurts me very much to read them.

See, I have experienced exactly what this article describes – but in reverse. My husband often shows he doesn’t respect me – not by being rude but simply casting doubt on my ability and competence. He even once told me in so many words that he didn’t respect me, that it was impossible to respect me because I don’t do the things he respects.

Oh, but I’m not supposed to mind that! Because I’m female! I just need love!

Nope. No good. He’s always loved me unconditionally, puts me first, etc. But without respect, it’s not a relationship of equals. I feel like the woman in A Doll’s House – petted, loved, but like a toy or a child. Does not work.

For a long time I withdrew and shared nothing of my real self with him. He didn’t realize what was going on, but every fight turned into WWIII and there were very few good moments.

It was only when I was able to tell him, “Look, it’s not enough for you to love me, you have to respect me, too” that things got better. And it’s still a work in progress.

Articles like this are just one more thing to mask from husbands their need to RESPECT their wives as well as love them. I do think respect is something that comes more easily to men, like love comes more easily to women, but both men and women NEED both love and respect. And it makes me so angry to see so-called experts suggest that there’s something wrong with me, or that I shouldn’t want what I do because I’m female.

Call it a “feminist rant,” but this sort of thinking almost destroyed my marriage, so I think it’s fair to speak up.
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This is a key element in my marriage problems as well. I’ve been a wife and mother since our first son was born, and I left the workplace for the most part. That’s when my husband’s respect stopped. I was no longer bringing in a paycheck, was no longer out in the working world, and I understood very quickly that my work in the home was definitely NOT in the same category as a career would have been. It would have mattered less to him to have our kids in day care, had I wanted to continue working. He would have respected me more for that decision. In fact at one point when the kids were at a rough stage, everyone around me was urging me to just put them in day care and go back to work, telling me that it was easier, etc. and my husband was one of those voices. He wasn’t aggressive about it - he basically told me to do what makes me happy - but there was more pressure in that direction than to continue to stay home full-time. His own mother worked outside the home after her divorce and we are both products of feminism - we’re fish in the water in that regard. It’s hard for people our age to even recognize the brainwashing we’ve had from the 1960’s and 1970’s onward.

Just the other day we were discussing what we wanted our legacy to be - do we want to leave some money to charity when we die. I heard a lot about what he wanted to support, but he never asked me if there was any cause that I feel particularly intensely about. I got the message once more that our money is really, in his mind, HIS money because he earned it in the workplace. Never mind that he could not have had the career he’s had without me raising the boys and supporting him at home. He’s the actor, out in the world, I’m just the back-up crew, maid, cook, and nanny. 😦

And from my viewpoint, there is NOTHING I could do that would match up to the joys, challenges, and rewards I got from being a full time mom and wife. So I desire respect for that but it’s never going to come from the one person that I really want it to. 😦

This was an issue when we were getting marriage counseling. And I hate reading articles that place ALL of the burden on the wife, to make things right by filling up her husband’s “love bank” while getting nothing back from him. I think it can help encourage emotional abuse by narcissists.
 
I don’t buy the article’s premise at all.

Love and respect are mutual. Both parties need it.

Love is a decision. Is respect also a decision, or is it earned?
 
In some ways it’s both. You can choose to focus on those things your spouse does that are worthy of respect, or you can choose to ignore them. But if you can’t find ONE THING worthy of respect in your spouse … you should not have married them. Also you’re probably an arrogant ***. 😉 Because every human person has something to respect about them, and if you can’t see it it’s probably because you have an inflated ego.

In my opinion love consists of two parts: self-giving (what people call “love”) and attraction toward a perceived good (what people call “respect”). Either without the other isn’t real love. It’s missing a vital element. And I have no desire to be loved in a condescending way, or as if I was utterly unworthy of love but being given it anyway. I suppose God loves me that way, to some extent, because I am unworthy of His love, but I sort of expect to be on an equal footing with my husband.

See, Juliane, what you describe is my problem too. When you’re a SAHM, your husband really doesn’t understand what you do all day, and it’s hard to get them to see the value in it. Then if you don’t do it perfectly, there’s a ton of criticism. My husband is quite on board with me staying home, but that doesn’t always translate into respect for a job well done. His mother was a SAHM and had ten kids and apparently kept the house spotless at all times. At least that’s the impression I get. And then even when he does respect what I do, it’s one more step to get him to verbalize that.
 
sheilathebard said:
In some ways it’s both. You can choose to focus on those things your spouse does that are worthy of respect, or you can choose to ignore them. But if you can’t find ONE THING worthy of respect in your spouse … you should not have married them. Also you’re probably an arrogant ***. 😉 Because every human person has something to respect about them, and if you can’t see it it’s probably because you have an inflated ego.

In my opinion love consists of two parts: self-giving (what people call “love”) and attraction toward a perceived good (what people call “respect”). Either without the other isn’t real love. It’s missing a vital element. And I have no desire to be loved in a condescending way, or as if I was utterly unworthy of love but being given it anyway. I suppose God loves me that way, to some extent, because I am unworthy of His love, but I sort of expect to be on an equal footing with my husband.

See, Juliane, what you describe is my problem too. When you’re a SAHM, your husband really doesn’t understand what you do all day, and it’s hard to get them to see the value in it. Then if you don’t do it perfectly, there’s a ton of criticism. My husband is quite on board with me staying home, but that doesn’t always translate into respect for a job well done. His mother was a SAHM and had ten kids and apparently kept the house spotless at all times. At least that’s the impression I get. And then even when he does respect what I do, it’s one more step to get him to verbalize that.
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I agree with you about the respect being a part of any love relationship. I cannot imagine loving another person without also respecting them. If you say you love someone, yet you cannot articulate why you respect that individual, then IMO you are not loving, you are projecting and probably using that person. Love without respect = ?? Lust?? Using for emotional support?? Or just…nothing.

Respect comes from seeing the honorable things about that person. My husband and I do not have the same value system, it’s obvious. We did, when we first married, because both of us were lapsed Catholics. But once I reverted, my value system changed, and his stayed the same. He may have lost respect for me when I came back to the Church - how ironic! 😦 He may inwardly think I lost some of my IQ when I reverted. He would never say that to my face but he does make many snide comments that he doesn’t seem to recognize as insults. I know that he does not respect me from those kinds of comments. You don’t say such things to people whom you respect.
 
PaulinVA wrote:

I don’t buy the article’s premise at all.

Love and respect are mutual. Both parties need it.

Love is a decision. Is respect also a decision, or is it earned?

Nimzovik Responds:

Hmmmmmmmm… I thought the, the premise, the ** central theme** of the article was to inform women of the husband’s dire need of respect. Not to assert that men do not need to respect women.

:confused: Am I wrong here?:confused:

Surely it is not wrong to respect a man, now is it?

Do not people that give respect get respected? We often return love for love yes? Why would respect be any different?

Help me out here…
 
Nimzovik said:
Nimzovik Responds:

Hmmmmmmmm… I thought the, the premise, the ** central theme** of the article was to inform women of the husband’s dire need of respect. Not to assert that men do not need to respect women.

:confused: Am I wrong here?:confused:

Surely it is not wrong to respect a man, now is it?

Do not people that give respect get respected? We often return love for love yes? Why would respect be any different?

Help me out here…
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My simple reading of the article seemed to indicate that men solely need respect and women solely need love. I am saying that both partners needs both.

I’m not sure it’s really possible, or right, to assume that you can really tell someone that you love them, but when it comes to decision making they are dumber than a box of hammers. Or, that you love them, but because of past actions you have no respect for them. That’s kinda weird.
 
Nimzovik said:
Nimzovik Responds:

Hmmmmmmmm… I thought the, the premise, the ** central theme** of the article was to inform women of the husband’s dire need of respect. Not to assert that men do not need to respect women.

:confused: Am I wrong here?:confused:

Surely it is not wrong to respect a man, now is it?

Do not people that give respect get respected? We often return love for love yes? Why would respect be any different?

Help me out here…
Click to expand...
To me, it’s the tone of the article in addition to the content…It’s like, “If there are problems, then the woman should do XYZ to fix the situation, while the man does nothing and expects the woman to make adjustments.” The “paddling around a mysterious island” just about blew my sockets without even reading the rest of the article.

Maybe that’s my bias, I don’t know. But I don’t think it is.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
To me, it’s the tone of the article in addition to the content…It’s like, “If there are problems, then the woman should do XYZ to fix the situation, while the man does nothing and expects the woman to make adjustments.” The “paddling around a mysterious island” just about blew my sockets without even reading the rest of the article.

Maybe that’s my bias, I don’t know. But I don’t think it is.
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This is true. It would have been more effective if the article had 2 parts… one talking about what a wife can do for her husband, and the other about what a husband can do for his wife.
 
Horrible article, and it’s insulting to both sexes.

My fiance is not marrying me for respect, he’s marrying for love. He gets respect everywhere he goes, but he doesn’t get the love we have anywhere else. His ego is not so frail that love means nothing compared to the respect a woman gives. Now, of course I have a great deal of respect for him, how could I marry someone I didn’t?

At the same time I don’t just need love. I need respect, and I wouldn’t be with a man who didn’t show it. I’m a very strong woman, well-educated, and a hard worker. For someone to disregard everything I’ve worked for and just want to be with me out of a warm fuzzy feeling would hurt. I want a partner who respects my intellect, judgement, and opinions.

Both love and respect have to go both ways for both partners equally.
 
Every man is the same as every other man. Every woman is the same as every other woman. Every man needs more respect than love. Every woman needs more love than respect.

What we call divine wisdom could have been dreamt up by Ann Landers on her worst day.
 
a) The article defines what it means by both “love” and “respect” VERY poorly.

b) What possible difference does it make whether husbands or wives are the ones most likely to file the paperwork, and how on earth did the author make a causal connection between a wife unknowingly failing to give her husband outward signs of respect that she actually thinks he ought to have with the likelihood that she will be the one filing their divorce papers?

c) The article totally ignores so many common reasons for marital breakdown that it is hard to know where to start.

I don’t think this article is going to save a troubled marriage, and it may make some even worse.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
To me, it’s the tone of the article in addition to the content…It’s like, “If there are problems, then the woman should do XYZ to fix the situation, while the man does nothing and expects the woman to make adjustments.” The “paddling around a mysterious island” just about blew my sockets without even reading the rest of the article.

Maybe that’s my bias, I don’t know. But I don’t think it is.
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Hmmmmmm… I did not get that myself…

I viewed it as a suggestion for women to engender respect for men. I did not see it as an… *absolute. *
 
I’m torn on the article. I actually do want to be a woman who is healthily able to live this perspective even if the husband, for whatever his reasons, never finds gratitude or motivation in his heart in the end. I do admire those sorts of women. The consummate wife of old literature. Patient, hopeful and serene. A true godly wife whose faithfulness is rooted in Gods will rather than in having a return of love from someone else. Selflessness personified… but for all my efforts… I find myself wracked with the sensation of starvation always having to beat off bitterness and resentfulness from my door.
TheRealJuliane said:
I think it can help encourage emotional abuse by narcissists.
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While I do agree with that Juliane… I think narcissistic types can find justification in a big toe, so I wouldn’t want to modify what the article promotes for that reason alone. 😛
 
My wife pays me great respect, both when I am around and when I’m not. She walks away from conversations that devolve into carping about husbands. She insists the kids treat me with respect. And of course, she respects me when I am with her.

Is that all there is to it? Of course not. I used to respect my teachers, but I was not in love with them. Some of them I did not even like. So, respect is not love. But my wife, I love.

Her projection of respect for me into the world shines her inner light at its brightest, and shines the light of our home for the world to know. How could I not love that? And how could I not love her for being the source of all that?

A husband who is worthy of his wife’s respect is not a husband who will abuse it. Maybe the article could have made that clearer.
 
LongingSoul said:
I’m torn on the article. I actually do want to be a woman who is healthily able to live this perspective even if the husband, for whatever his reasons, never finds gratitude or motivation in his heart in the end. I do admire those sorts of women. The consummate wife of old literature. Patient, hopeful and serene. A true godly wife whose faithfulness is rooted in God’s will rather than in having a return of love from someone else. Selflessness personified.… but for all my efforts…** I find myself wracked with the sensation of starvation always having to beat off bitterness and resentfulness from my door.**

While I do agree with that Juliane… I think narcissistic types can find justification in a big toe, so I wouldn’t want to modify what the article promotes for that reason alone. 😛
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I’m with you there. 😦

And of course you are right about narcissists - they need no justification other than that the world is populated with cardboard figures and THEM, and they can use anyone or anything as they see fit since we really aren’t real anyway. I was thinking more about the wives who continue to sacrifice themselves and their mental and physical health on these people.
 
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