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My Husband Is a Mysterious Island Around Which I Paddle (an article)
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Luvz2travel
Guest
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estesbob
Guest
Actually, like most husbands , i carefully paddle around my wife knowing well the waters are shark infested and full of other monsters like “we need to talk” “Do you like my hair?” or the worst monster of all 'Does this dress make me look fat"?
Im in my third decade of paddling, Ive lost a few oars and have had chunks taken out of my posterior but i keep on paddling!
Im in my third decade of paddling, Ive lost a few oars and have had chunks taken out of my posterior but i keep on paddling!
Mary_Gail_36
New member
This question can be asked to another woman (close friend, sister etc) and we can get/give a good answer. Sometimes if I’m shopping alone, I’ll try something on and then take a picture to send my sister. She’ll let me know if it looks good or not. No offense taken.
There is a good way to answer, men haven’t figured it out yet.
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Irishmom2
Guest
That’s all that matters then!
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silentfactor80
Guest
I highly encourage the people here complaining that there aren’t enough articles telling men how bad we are and what we need to do to pay attention to Yahoo! Shine. On a nearly weekly basis some 20’s or early-30’s something woman goes on a tirade about how men need to do a, b, c, d, e, f, etc to please women. A few articles pop up challenging wives on their behavior and you would think the Book of Revelation is coming true.
Those of you who made the point about SAHM’s being valued have a valid case. A husband that does not appreciate his wife being a SAHM is clueless. Same is true of a wife with a SAHD. Guys often think in numbers and the bottom line. If a woman was feeling her contributions were not valued I would encourage you to clock your hours and put a market value on that time. In fact Forbes put a value on SAHM’s at $115,000 / yr (forbes.com/sites/jennagoudreau/2011/05/02/why-stay-at-home-moms-should-earn-a-115000-salary/). Do you think your husband could afford you on his current salary? He’ll get the point.
Now, of coarse men and women both need love and respect. Every family needs a strong role-modeling of love and respect. I think God emphasized certain needs in men and women to give us a clearer pictures of both. Men have a deeper need for respect because we are called to give up our very lives (Ephesians 5:25) for our wives. God made no such requirement for women. How many times have you heard a wife dying to save her husbands life? Many men do it instinctively for their wives and often girlfriends (Aurora theater shooting). Women have to respect that men will often not think twice about sacrificing their life for her.
Women on the other hand are commanded to “submit.” (Ephesians 5:22) When a woman “submits” (or better put respects) her husband she acknowledges his desire to sacrifice for her. She serves as a witness to the world of her husbands love by respecting him this way. When we submit to God we serve as His witness to the world. See the analogy?
Both love and respect are important. Often times we put a higher value on respect because emotions like love are looked down on. I think the reason many feminists come off as angry and hostile is that they reject their core need for love. Love is sold as weakness and surely the “strong confident feminist woman” doesn’t want any weakness. The problem is men and women’s brains are wired differently and hormones play a big role too. Feeling unloved will cut at a woman’s psyche in a worse way than a man’s. That is not to say an unloved man will feel nothing. Consequently, the same is true of respect.
After all that blabbering I can sum it up by saying love and respect go together like men and women. The subtle point is that women are given the responsibility to show respect and men the responsibility to show love.
Those of you who made the point about SAHM’s being valued have a valid case. A husband that does not appreciate his wife being a SAHM is clueless. Same is true of a wife with a SAHD. Guys often think in numbers and the bottom line. If a woman was feeling her contributions were not valued I would encourage you to clock your hours and put a market value on that time. In fact Forbes put a value on SAHM’s at $115,000 / yr (forbes.com/sites/jennagoudreau/2011/05/02/why-stay-at-home-moms-should-earn-a-115000-salary/). Do you think your husband could afford you on his current salary? He’ll get the point.
Now, of coarse men and women both need love and respect. Every family needs a strong role-modeling of love and respect. I think God emphasized certain needs in men and women to give us a clearer pictures of both. Men have a deeper need for respect because we are called to give up our very lives (Ephesians 5:25) for our wives. God made no such requirement for women. How many times have you heard a wife dying to save her husbands life? Many men do it instinctively for their wives and often girlfriends (Aurora theater shooting). Women have to respect that men will often not think twice about sacrificing their life for her.
Women on the other hand are commanded to “submit.” (Ephesians 5:22) When a woman “submits” (or better put respects) her husband she acknowledges his desire to sacrifice for her. She serves as a witness to the world of her husbands love by respecting him this way. When we submit to God we serve as His witness to the world. See the analogy?
Both love and respect are important. Often times we put a higher value on respect because emotions like love are looked down on. I think the reason many feminists come off as angry and hostile is that they reject their core need for love. Love is sold as weakness and surely the “strong confident feminist woman” doesn’t want any weakness. The problem is men and women’s brains are wired differently and hormones play a big role too. Feeling unloved will cut at a woman’s psyche in a worse way than a man’s. That is not to say an unloved man will feel nothing. Consequently, the same is true of respect.
After all that blabbering I can sum it up by saying love and respect go together like men and women. The subtle point is that women are given the responsibility to show respect and men the responsibility to show love.
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SuzanneD
Guest
I think it is a decision people deserve respect because they are created by God in his image. I think we love and respect what God loves,sometimes by an act of our will, cause we may not always “feel it”.
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EasterJoy
Guest
On unrelated work I ran across this homily of Pope Benedict XVI for Trinity Sunday 2012, and the point he makes is so magnificent that to me it makes the point of the article seem puny, because of how much more marriage is than what the author implies:
Here is an excerpt:
“It is not only the Church that is called to be the image of One God in Three Persons, but also the family, based on marriage between man and woman. In the beginning, “God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. And God blessed them, and God said to them, ‘Be fruitful and multiply’” (Gen 1:27-28). God created us male and female, equal in dignity, but also with respective and complementary characteristics, so that the two might be a gift for each other, might value each other and might bring into being a community of love and life.** It is love that makes the human person the authentic image of the Blessed Trinity, image of God.** Dear married couples, in living out your marriage you are not giving each other any particular thing or activity, but your whole lives. And your love is fruitful first and foremost for yourselves, because you desire and accomplish one another’s good, you experience the joy of receiving and giving. It is also fruitful in your generous and responsible procreation of children, in your attentive care for them, and in their vigilant and wise education. And lastly, it is fruitful for society, because family life is the first and irreplaceable school of social virtues, such as respect for persons, gratuitousness, trust, responsibility, solidarity, cooperation. …”
Here is an excerpt:
“It is not only the Church that is called to be the image of One God in Three Persons, but also the family, based on marriage between man and woman. In the beginning, “God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. And God blessed them, and God said to them, ‘Be fruitful and multiply’” (Gen 1:27-28). God created us male and female, equal in dignity, but also with respective and complementary characteristics, so that the two might be a gift for each other, might value each other and might bring into being a community of love and life.** It is love that makes the human person the authentic image of the Blessed Trinity, image of God.** Dear married couples, in living out your marriage you are not giving each other any particular thing or activity, but your whole lives. And your love is fruitful first and foremost for yourselves, because you desire and accomplish one another’s good, you experience the joy of receiving and giving. It is also fruitful in your generous and responsible procreation of children, in your attentive care for them, and in their vigilant and wise education. And lastly, it is fruitful for society, because family life is the first and irreplaceable school of social virtues, such as respect for persons, gratuitousness, trust, responsibility, solidarity, cooperation. …”
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Saturn5
Guest
My wife has struggled with in our marriage for several years. I am the one paddling around her island. Looking back at it, she backed off showing me any love first and then respect soon afterwards about year seven in our marriage. She struggles with any type of conflict and with a trait generally true to my gender I jumped in to fix things in the beginning of her struggle. That certainly pushed her away even farther. During the middle of all that chaos is when I finally had my encounter with Christ and came back to the Church. Although we share the same values and faith, I am deeper in my faith than where she is and I know that strains her in a different way now.
I try to always show her love and respect in front of the kids, family and friends. When the kids were younger, I always came(come) to her defense if they were disrespectful of her. I honestly didn’t think she liked that. She is one to avoid conflict, so if I came swooping in (I’m dramatizing a bit…), I’m sure it was upsetting to her that I came down too hard on the kids (in her eyes). I only can speculate on this as she has never talked about, I can only make assumptions by observing her behavior.
I will tell you I don’t feel respect from her much, if at all. I honestly feel as if I am here to provide financial stability and handyman services for her. She will be the first one to tell you to she wants to be respected (particularly her opinions), but the last one to respect mine.
I agree the article is far too vague with little detail, but I think the general thought is valid, speaking for myself. I agree love and respect are mutually inclusive in marriage, but given the choice at this moment in my life, I’d like to feel a little respect from my spouse.
I try to always show her love and respect in front of the kids, family and friends. When the kids were younger, I always came(come) to her defense if they were disrespectful of her. I honestly didn’t think she liked that. She is one to avoid conflict, so if I came swooping in (I’m dramatizing a bit…), I’m sure it was upsetting to her that I came down too hard on the kids (in her eyes). I only can speculate on this as she has never talked about, I can only make assumptions by observing her behavior.
I will tell you I don’t feel respect from her much, if at all. I honestly feel as if I am here to provide financial stability and handyman services for her. She will be the first one to tell you to she wants to be respected (particularly her opinions), but the last one to respect mine.
I agree the article is far too vague with little detail, but I think the general thought is valid, speaking for myself. I agree love and respect are mutually inclusive in marriage, but given the choice at this moment in my life, I’d like to feel a little respect from my spouse.
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silentfactor80
Guest
Don’t beat yourself up man. Actions speak louder than words as they say. Talking about things is great but talk doesn’t always solve problems. When problems go unsolved they can get bigger and bigger until eventually they are unmanageable. Teaching kids to respect their parents is a prime example of something that requires action. If your kids don’t respect you or your wife something has to be done (discipline). If you didn’t teach them that they will enter into the working world and be at a disadvantage when they speak back to the boss b/c they don’t like his/her way of doing things. You would have done your kids a disservice if you let that behavior continue. It sounds like to me your wife has other issues that she needs to come to grips with. She may need professional help but there is no reason for her to feel she is on egg shells. Not a healthy way to live. Also, she should respect you and back you up. If you are not getting that then something needs to be worked on.
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Debora123
Guest
I think both wives and husbands need to show the other both love and respect. The thing is, women are usually better at showing love, and men are usually better at showing respect. So wives need to be reminded more often to show respect, while husbands need to be reminded more often to show love.
You are correct. Love/respect do go together.
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thewanderer
Guest
right, so while it makes sense to emphasize the importance of respect when talking to women and emphasize the importance of love when talking to men it is really really important to not lose sight of the fact that both are necessary for both people.
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silentfactor80
Guest
I would also like to add their is different kinds of respect as there are different kinds of love. Professional respect is one where you respect a person for their career work. For instance, if a colleague publishes a paper on a certain topic you may congratulate them for excellent work and buy them a beer (or wine). Parental respect is respecting your parents authority as per the 10 Commandments (Honor thy father and mother).
Spousal respect (I think) is at the top. Spousal respect is not so much about the temporal achievements or positional hierarchy but rather honoring the sacrifice your spouse made for you at the altar to make a new life together. Saying “I do” is not to be taken lightly and has serious spiritual implications. Showing respect for your spouse is the highest honor because you acknowledge that they gave their life up for you and you know that in an intimate way. Your boss can fire you easily and your parents can disown you but legitimate dissolution of marriage is much more difficult (death or infidelity - one is physical death with the other a spiritual death).
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Debora123
Guest
Very true.
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Saturn5
Guest
I agree with your assessment that there are different kinds of respect and love.
I guess that’s where my frustration lies sometimes with my wife. I try to be true to our Catholic teachings and feel that respect in other relationships, but the one where it counts the most, I don’t feel it.
You can also include annulment in your dissolution of marriage. And honestly that can be as painful as your other two examples.
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silentfactor80
Guest
Well technically an annulment says the marriage was a fraud and never really happened as far as I know. Maybe I’m wrong.
In either case, try this. Ask your wife if she really knows what Jesus did on the cross. If she doesn’t, explain it to her. Then remind her you stand ready to do that for her. Just leave it at that and let her digest it. Be sure your tone is meek and humble though. If you say it like she owes you something or you want something that’s no good. It might help to be holding her when you say that so she knows you got her
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EasterJoy
Guest
That is not right. A decree of invalidity (or a decree of nullity) can find that the attempt at marriage was in good faith, but that some element necessary for a sacramental marriage was missing from the very beginning: therefore, null but without fraud.
Although it is true that sometimes the invalidity is due to misrepresentation on the part of one party or the other, there is not an automatic implication that “fraud” was necessarily involved at all. Sometimes what was missing was definite, but not something that either of the parties was aware of, or something that they didn’t know or understand was an issue. Does my explanation make sense?
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silentfactor80
Guest
Kinda…maybe I didn’t mean to use the word fraud. Basically what I meant was that marriage never really occurred because something was missing as you said.
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EasterJoy
Guest
Right. Perhaps the attempt was in good faith, but at least one of the totally necessary elements for a sacramental marriage was not there. You can have a lot of very good ingredients and the best of intentions, but the attempt does not result in a valid marriage if you leave out something crucial.
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Saturn5
Guest
Oh SF80, if it was something that simple for my wife…she grew up watching a verbal and emotionally abusive marriage. The damage is deep. I am the longest relationship she has ever had. Sadly she went “dancing in the minefield” last year with an emotional affair (flirty emails). She wants so tremendously to respect her father, but you can see, is torn inside. She will tell you that her dad is a horrible husband, but a good father. Unfortunately the two are not mutually exclusive. Trust is something that does not come easy for her and because she lacks trust in people, she is fiercely independent. She has told me (…in anger I will add) that she could “do this” all by herself. By do this, she means own and run a house, raise kids and have a job. I have seen her work herself into exhaustion and physical injury trying to play “superwomen”. And ironically she will say that the women’s liberation movement in the 60’s and 70’s did nothing to liberate women, it only forced them to act more like men.Well technically an annulment says the marriage was a fraud and never really happened as far as I know. Maybe I’m wrong.
In either case, try this. Ask your wife if she really knows what Jesus did on the cross. If she doesn’t, explain it to her. Then remind her you stand ready to do that for her. Just leave it at that and let her digest it. Be sure your tone is meek and humble though. If you say it like she owes you something or you want something that’s no good. It might help to be holding her when you say that so she knows you got her
My wife is a wonderful person. She is full of love, compassion and kindness. She is smart, funny and beautiful inside and out. Unfortunately the enemy has been deceiving her for so many years about what love, marriage and committment is. All I can do it is continue to show her what Jesus asks of us and pray for her every single day. And trust me, I am far from perfect, but the Lord has given me this cross for a reason…to help my wife I suspect, so I can show her what love, trust and forgiveness is in marriage. I can only hope to do my best for Christ, my wife and children.
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