My Husband Is a Mysterious Island Around Which I Paddle (an article)

[Fairwinds]

Respect must be EARNED.

respect from a wife is unconditional. love from a husband is unconditional. there’s no “earning” either. at least that’s what Paul says in Ephesians. its as plain as language gets. we’re not talking about emotions, we’re talking about actions.

a husband may well not like his wife, but is obligated to lover her, meaning showing acts of love. the wife’s obligations are mirrored.

 

[silentfactor80]

Oh SF80, if it was something that simple for my wife…she grew up watching a verbal and emotionally abusive marriage. The damage is deep. I am the longest relationship she has ever had. Sadly she went “dancing in the minefield” last year with an emotional affair (flirty emails). She wants so tremendously to respect her father, but you can see, is torn inside. She will tell you that her dad is a horrible husband, but a good father. Unfortunately the two are not mutually exclusive. Trust is something that does not come easy for her and because she lacks trust in people, she is fiercely independent. She has told me (…in anger I will add) that she could “do this” all by herself. By do this, she means own and run a house, raise kids and have a job. I have seen her work herself into exhaustion and physical injury trying to play “superwomen”. And ironically she will say that the women’s liberation movement in the 60’s and 70’s did nothing to liberate women, it only forced them to act more like men.

My wife is a wonderful person. She is full of love, compassion and kindness. She is smart, funny and beautiful inside and out. Unfortunately the enemy has been deceiving her for so many years about what love, marriage and committment is. All I can do it is continue to show her what Jesus asks of us and pray for her every single day. And trust me, I am far from perfect, but the Lord has given me this cross for a reason…to help my wife I suspect, so I can show her what love, trust and forgiveness is in marriage. I can only hope to do my best for Christ, my wife and children.

Interesting…

She doesn’t want to make herself vulnerable it sounds. Problem is you have to for a relationship to thrive. I think you need to study the art of seduction to distract her.

 

[Saturn5]

Interesting…

She doesn’t want to make herself vulnerable it sounds. Problem is you have to for a relationship to thrive. I think you need to study the art of seduction to distract her.

You are correct in your assumption…at least that is my belief that she cannot make herself vulnerable. Although I find your comment on seduction most likely accurate…it is the absolute furthest thing from my wife’s mind. You probably have not been in a situation like this and don’t recognize the perceived stress and pressure she feels. She is not going to react in a positive manner if she sees me coming at her with seduction. It will have the opposite effect and only push her further away. Look at this from her perspective…she probably feels she was “seduced” by me early in our relationship and marriage. She didn’t feel in control because of that. Someone who cannot be vulnerable cannot allow themselves to be seduced. They cannot give up control or they risk being harmed (like she watched her father do to her mother). Seriously, about all I can do at this point is love her unconditionally, forgive always and show her the joy of giving one’s self to Jesus Christ.

 

[sheilathebard]

Saturn5, I think that is beautiful … that you are just loving her as much as you can and hoping she comes around. In marriage, we have to do that sometimes. Just like with our kids – we have to “(name removed by moderator)ut” unconditional love for a long time before we get any back. I pray your wife will find the healing she needs.

Fairwinds, are you implying that if I don’t feel like loving my husband, I don’t have to so long as I respect him? Conversely, is it okay if he always loves me but his respect is conditional?

It is hard to “unconditionally respect” someone because respect implies something worthy of respect in another person. But I do think that if you look for something to respect in another person, you’ll find it.

 

[silentfactor80]

You are correct in your assumption…at least that is my belief that she cannot make herself vulnerable. Although I find your comment on seduction most likely accurate…it is the absolute furthest thing from my wife’s mind. You probably have not been in a situation like this and don’t recognize the perceived stress and pressure she feels. She is not going to react in a positive manner if she sees me coming at her with seduction. It will have the opposite effect and only push her further away. Look at this from her perspective…she probably feels she was “seduced” by me early in our relationship and marriage. She didn’t feel in control because of that. Someone who cannot be vulnerable cannot allow themselves to be seduced. They cannot give up control or they risk being harmed (like she watched her father do to her mother). Seriously, about all I can do at this point is love her unconditionally, forgive always and show her the joy of giving one’s self to Jesus Christ.

Well let her take charge then! If she is will to do all the work you can sit back and enjoy. I have a friend married to one of those “I’m Miss Confidence” types. He said he loves her taking charge because the pressure is all off him to get things right. Sounds reasonable to me lol

 

[Saturn5]

Well let her take charge then! If she is will to do all the work you can sit back and enjoy. I have a friend married to one of those “I’m Miss Confidence” types. He said he loves her taking charge because the pressure is all off him to get things right. Sounds reasonable to me lol

SF80, you have to remember as a husband, we have to love our wives as Christ so loves the Church. To me that means I have to sacrifice for my wife. Your suggestion of letting the wife “take charge” as you put it, feels to me like Pilate washing his hands…the ol’ “no harm, no foul” routine. Hey, I have no culpability in this, right?

I feel that is part of our problem in western society…we have forgotten what a tremendous responsibilty marriage is. I have had to learn that the hard way, trust me. My journey has been rocky to say the least. But I have come to understand the importance of marriage and how that mirrors the Holy Trinity. As frustrating as my marriage can be at times, I realize I would be a far lesser man without my wife in my life. I love my wife deeply, I truly do. I cannot see myself with anyone else even when I am mad, angry or disappointed. I also believe that in my vocation of marriage, one of my jobs is to help my wife get to heaven (as it is equally her responsibility to help me).

When one changes their perspective to view marriage that way (at least for me…) the lens you look through makes difficult times easier to endure and joyful times even more joyful! I look forward to the day my wife opens her heart once again and comes back with great anticipation and hope. It makes my prayers for her more authentic and honest. I am excited for that day!

Marriage is not a competition on who can do more, make more money or be a better parent. If that level of control or competition is there, my suggestion is earnestly start seeking good Catholic marriage counseling. If one of the spouses is not willing to do that, well yes, it makes it a difficult burden to carry. However, one must put their trust in Christ in that situation (or any difficult situation for that matter), as we know God will not give us a cross we cannot carry.

I will pray for your friend you mention that he sees his marriage and his spouse for joy in his life it needs to be.

 

[silentfactor80]

SF80, you have to remember as a husband, we have to love our wives as Christ so loves the Church. To me that means I have to sacrifice for my wife. Your suggestion of letting the wife “take charge” as you put it, feels to me like Pilate washing his hands…the ol’ “no harm, no foul” routine. Hey, I have no culpability in this, right?

I feel that is part of our problem in western society…we have forgotten what a tremendous responsibilty marriage is. I have had to learn that the hard way, trust me. My journey has been rocky to say the least. But I have come to understand the importance of marriage and how that mirrors the Holy Trinity. As frustrating as my marriage can be at times, I realize I would be a far lesser man without my wife in my life. I love my wife deeply, I truly do. I cannot see myself with anyone else even when I am mad, angry or disappointed. I also believe that in my vocation of marriage, one of my jobs is to help my wife get to heaven (as it is equally her responsibility to help me).

When one changes their perspective to view marriage that way (at least for me…) the lens you look through makes difficult times easier to endure and joyful times even more joyful! I look forward to the day my wife opens her heart once again and comes back with great anticipation and hope. It makes my prayers for her more authentic and honest. I am excited for that day!

Marriage is not a competition on who can do more, make more money or be a better parent. If that level of control or competition is there, my suggestion is earnestly start seeking good Catholic marriage counseling. If one of the spouses is not willing to do that, well yes, it makes it a difficult burden to carry. However, one must put their trust in Christ in that situation (or any difficult situation for that matter), as we know God will not give us a cross we cannot carry.

I will pray for your friend you mention that he sees his marriage and his spouse for joy in his life it needs to be.

Just to clarify…I meant taking charge in the seductive activities, not the whole marriage.

 

[Saturn5]

Just to clarify…I meant taking charge in the seductive activities, not the whole marriage.

You may have missed this in my earlier post. Seduction is the furthest thing in my wife’s mind right now. We have not been intimate in close to 3 years. As I mentioned, the damage is deep.

 

[silentfactor80]

You may have missed this in my earlier post. Seduction is the furthest thing in my wife’s mind right now. We have not been intimate in close to 3 years. As I mentioned, the damage is deep.

I see. Well, I wish you guys the best! I’m sure we’ll keep praying for you here!