My husband is a narcissist

[Matercul]

I’m looking for guidance, encouragement. and support.

I’ve been married 10 years, work a little outside the home, but am primarily a stay at home mother to five children. We struggled in our marriage for the entirety of these 10 years, and only in the last two years have I actively tried to help.

I’m in counseling, which is going well, and am close to our priest, who gives sound advice, and I have a devout network of friends, some who know more than others of the challenges of my marriage. My counselor strongly believes my husband is a narcissist. The more I read and the more I try to help myself, the more I am convinced of this reality.

On the outside, we are a devout family with great kids. It all looks very perfect. My husband is successful in his career, and is well-respected. The darker side is that he brings me to tears every day. He is mean-spirited, verbally abusive, and will intentionally say or do the most hurtful things just because he knows just how to push you to make it hurt the most. He has very little to no empathy.

In the first 5 years of our marriage, it seemed every fight I would end up apologizing. Any time I questioned something about him that hurt me, he would turn it back on me. He’s intelligent, and manipulative. Additionally, every time I have tried to seek counsel, he’ll make statements about how “we’re Catholic, and in a traditional marriage,” and basically insinuate that it’s expected that we are not equals, and that outside of his role as provider, nothing else should be expected of him, and in no way should he have to answer for anything he does. I’m disgusted by this, and would HATE if our daughters were talked to this way by a man.

I feel trapped and worthless. I’m also incredibly embarrassed. I’m tired of being put down every day, I’m tired of dreading every phone call from him and if he’s going to be decent to me or not. The kids love him, and the ONLY thing keeping me in this marriage is that I don’t want our kids growing up in a broken home. But, I honestly, truly don’t know how long I can tolerate being treated the way I am. I’m scared of a life on my own, but I’m miserable, too.

I go back and forth on trying to be the “perfect” wife who makes dinner, cleans the house, and cares for the kids. But I get burned out, too, and when I’m berated for it all, it’s hard to believe that my “role” holds any value. Truly, to him, nothing I do is right or good enough.

I’ve read all the posts on this site already about narcissists and I actually found them quite encouraging. I thank you in advance for your insight.

 

[slh3016]

I’m looking for guidance, encouragement. and support.

I’ve been married 10 years, work a little outside the home, but am primarily a stay at home mother to five children. We struggled in our marriage for the entirety of these 10 years, and only in the last two years have I actively tried to help.

I’m in counseling, which is going well, and am close to our priest, who gives sound advice, and I have a devout network of friends, some who know more than others of the challenges of my marriage. My counselor strongly believes my husband is a narcissist. The more I read and the more I try to help myself, the more I am convinced of this reality.

On the outside, we are a devout family with great kids. It all looks very perfect. My husband is successful in his career, and is well-respected. The darker side is that he brings me to tears every day. He is mean-spirited, verbally abusive, and will intentionally say or do the most hurtful things just because he knows just how to push you to make it hurt the most. He has very little to no empathy.

In the first 5 years of our marriage, it seemed every fight I would end up apologizing. Any time I questioned something about him that hurt me, he would turn it back on me. He’s intelligent, and manipulative. Additionally, every time I have tried to seek counsel, he’ll make statements about how “we’re Catholic, and in a traditional marriage,” and basically insinuate that it’s expected that we are not equals, and that outside of his role as provider, nothing else should be expected of him, and in no way should he have to answer for anything he does. I’m disgusted by this, and would HATE if our daughters were talked to this way by a man.

I feel trapped and worthless. I’m also incredibly embarrassed. I’m tired of being put down every day, I’m tired of dreading every phone call from him and if he’s going to be decent to me or not. The kids love him, and the ONLY thing keeping me in this marriage is that I don’t want our kids growing up in a broken home. But, I honestly, truly don’t know how long I can tolerate being treated the way I am. I’m scared of a life on my own, but I’m miserable, too.

I go back and forth on trying to be the “perfect” wife who makes dinner, cleans the house, and cares for the kids. But I get burned out, too, and when I’m berated for it all, it’s hard to believe that my “role” holds any value. Truly, to him, nothing I do is right or good enough.

I’ve read all the posts on this site already about narcissists and I actually found them quite encouraging. I thank you in advance for your insight.

I am so very sorry for your situation :hug3: My dad is an extreme narcissist and what you describe is exactly the way he treated my mom and his kids. My mom stayed for the same reason as you: she didn’t want us growing up in a broken home.

Keep talking to your priest and friends. It may come to the point where you do have to separate yourself from him for your own safety.

Again, I am so very sorry. Prayers for you.

 

[SWolf]

He is mean-spirited, verbally abusive, and will intentionally say or do the most hurtful things just because he knows just how to push you to make it hurt the most. He has very little to no empathy.

In the first 5 years of our marriage, it seemed every fight I would end up apologizing. Any time I questioned something about him that hurt me, he would turn it back on me. He’s intelligent, and manipulative. Additionally, every time I have tried to seek counsel, he’ll make statements about how “we’re Catholic, and in a traditional marriage,” and basically insinuate that it’s expected that we are not equals, and that outside of his role as provider, nothing else should be expected of him, and in no way should he have to answer for anything he does. I’m disgusted by this, and would HATE if our daughters were talked to this way by a man.

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way.

This is extremely general. Could we have a sample conversation, word-for-word?

 

[Joe_5859]

I am sorry to hear of your struggles. I don’t really have any advice beyond what you are already doing, but I want to encourage you in what you are already doing. It sounds like you are headed in the right direction. You are receiving counseling and reaching out to your pastor and to friends. Of course, prayer is also key, which I’m sure you know.

I will pray for you.

 

[jinglebelle]

You have answered all your own doubts and questions

 

[pianistclare]

You don’t have to give me more examples. It get it. You are me 10 years ago.
It only gets worse. Does he abuse alcohol? Is there some habit of his that fuels his rage?
My husband ended up taking his own life when I finally decided I’d had it. He threatened to kill our oldest daughter over spilled water. That was IT. Called the cops, they saw me and the little girls in tears, and they read him the riot act, and encouraged me to get a trash bag, fill it with clothes and school books, the car keys, the house keys and take off.
We did. Got word at the battered women’s shelter that he had killed himself. At home.

Was a long horrible road.
Have HIM meet with the priest.
Tell him that you both need it.
Insist. It’s urgent.
I’m praying for you.
pianist

 

[Matercul]

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way.

This is extremely general. Could we have a sample conversation, word-for-word?

For obvious reasons I don’t want to be too specific, but I can share a common scenario.

I wake up earlier than the rest of the family to drink coffee and have some prayer/reading time. On one morning, my husband came down during this time (very unusual). He poured a cup of coffee, walked over to me, and stared. I looked at him puzzled. Finally he told me to “Get up.”
We went on to have a huge battle over this, because apparently I am supposed to know that when he comes down the stairs that it’s my “job” to get out of the seat that he wants, because “his home, his castle.” I was supposed to know automatically that he wanted to sit in “his” chair (even though I sit in it every morning, and had no idea of his expectations).
I plead with him, try to reason, etc., that if he ASKED me, or would share with me KINDLY about these things, that I would more than likely not see it a big deal that I move to a different chair. But, these are the way situations work in our household. I literally screw up in the morning before even saying a word.
And then, when I try to explain how I didn’t realize that he wanted to sit in “his” chair, I get further criticism and insults about how bad of a wife I am for not knowing that that was “his” chair.

So, a typical morning for me, more or less.

 

[TomFromMD]

I’ll say a prayer for you.

Given that he states that his role is a Catholic husband, have you asked the priest to talk to him? Sounds like there’s a real need to have a retreat. Generally, the best way to sell something like this is as something you need, not something you think he needs.

All the best.

 

[SWolf]

For obvious reasons I don’t want to be too specific, but I can share a common scenario.

I wake up earlier than the rest of the family to drink coffee and have some prayer/reading time. On one morning, my husband came down during this time (very unusual). He poured a cup of coffee, walked over to me, and stared. I looked at him puzzled. Finally he told me to “Get up.”
We went on to have a huge battle over this, because apparently I am supposed to know that when he comes down the stairs that it’s my “job” to get out of the seat that he wants, because “his home, his castle.” I was supposed to know automatically that he wanted to sit in “his” chair (even though I sit in it every morning, and had no idea of his expectations).
I plead with him, try to reason, etc., that if he ASKED me, or would share with me KINDLY about these things, that I would more than likely not see it a big deal that I move to a different chair. But, these are the way situations work in our household. I literally screw up in the morning before even saying a word.
And then, when I try to explain how I didn’t realize that he wanted to sit in “his” chair, I get further criticism and insults about how bad of a wife I am for not knowing that that was “his” chair.

So, a typical morning for me, more or less.

That’s just terrible behavior. Prayers up for you.

 

[Joe_5859]

You don’t have to give me more examples. It get it. You are me 10 years ago.
It only gets worse. Does he abuse alcohol? Is there some habit of his that fuels his rage?
My husband ended up taking his own life when I finally decided I’d had it. He threatened to kill our oldest daughter over spilled water. That was IT. Called the cops, they saw me and the little girls in tears, and they read him the riot act, and encouraged me to get a trash bag, fill it with clothes and school books, the car keys, the house keys and take off.
We did. Got word at the battered women’s shelter that he had killed himself. At home.

Was a long horrible road.
Have HIM meet with the priest.
Tell him that you both need it.
Insist. It’s urgent.
I’m praying for you.
pianist

Oh my, now I’m praying for you, too.

 

[pianistclare]

Oh my, now I’m praying for you, too.

AW, thank you dear friend. As you know, I went on to marry a wonderful man from Ireland. We’re doing fine. My daughters still are missing their daddy and don’t really understand it, the younger one in particular is scarred. She is 22 now and suffering from terrible anxiety. She’s the one who called the police that night. Hiding in a closet. The other, older daughter is doing better, at least on the surface. Pray for them please.
You’ve always been such a good friend, I humbly thank you.
We’ll all pray fro the OP.
Peace.

 

[Matercul]

You don’t have to give me more examples. It get it. You are me 10 years ago.
It only gets worse. Does he abuse alcohol? Is there some habit of his that fuels his rage?
My husband ended up taking his own life when I finally decided I’d had it. He threatened to kill our oldest daughter over spilled water. That was IT. Called the cops, they saw me and the little girls in tears, and they read him the riot act, and encouraged me to get a trash bag, fill it with clothes and school books, the car keys, the house keys and take off.
We did. Got word at the battered women’s shelter that he had killed himself. At home.

Was a long horrible road.
Have HIM meet with the priest.
Tell him that you both need it.
Insist. It’s urgent.
I’m praying for you.
pianist

Thank you. And, I’m sorry for all you have gone through. You have overcome quite a bit.

He does not abuse alcohol or have any active addictions. He has a much more stressful job than he had a few years ago, and at home we are his scapegoat. BUT…with his job comes more prestige, notoriety, etc., which makes the whole thing incredibly humiliating to me. Honestly, I really question if anyone would believe the things I say.

To add to it, his family is close by. They are Catholic, and they don’t see anything wrong or amiss with some of his demands to be served, not to help with the kids, etc., which I suppose is fine, except that they don’t see the verbal abuse that follows all of his expectations, or unwarranted insults. It makes it EXTREMELY delicate when there are a group of wives in our close circles who have a lot of love in finding “extra” ways to serve their husbands, and with me, while I see the beauty in it, I am repulsed thinking of doing the same for mine. But, as soon as he see someone else’s wife go above and beyond, he immediately applies that me as my shortcoming.

Apparently there is nothing I can do to change him if he is a true narcissist. Only I can change. I am working on that. I let it go for 5 years, and for the last five years have “fought” back with my words and told him of how he makes me/us feel. Still, I know I have more to do with my actions, because he is incapable of understanding how he makes me feel.

 

[agnes_therese]

I feel trapped and worthless. I’m also incredibly embarrassed. I’m tired of being put down every day, I’m tired of dreading every phone call from him and if he’s going to be decent to me or not. The kids love him, and the ONLY thing keeping me in this marriage is that I don’t want our kids growing up in a broken home.

One thing you have to consider – as things are, your children are growing up thinking that this is a normal way for a husband to treat a wife.

 

[pianistclare]

Thank you. And, I’m sorry for all you have gone through. You have overcome quite a bit.

He does not abuse alcohol or have any active addictions. He has a much more stressful job than he had a few years ago, and at home we are his scapegoat. BUT…with his job comes more prestige, notoriety, etc., which makes the whole thing incredibly humiliating to me. Honestly, I really question if anyone would believe the things I say.

To add to it, his family is close by. They are Catholic, and they don’t see anything wrong or amiss with some of his demands to be served, not to help with the kids, etc., which I suppose is fine, except that they don’t see the verbal abuse that follows all of his expectations, or unwarranted insults. It makes it EXTREMELY delicate when there are a group of wives in our close circles who have a lot of love in finding “extra” ways to serve their husbands, and with me, while I see the beauty in it, I am repulsed thinking of doing the same for mine. But, as soon as he see someone else’s wife go above and beyond, he immediately applies that me as my shortcoming.

Apparently there is nothing I can do to change him if he is a true narcissist. Only I can change. I am working on that. I let it go for 5 years, and for the last five years have “fought” back with my words and told him of how he makes me/us feel. Still, I know I have more to do with my actions, because he is incapable of understanding how he makes me feel.

Well, if he happens to lose this great and prestigious job one day due to downsizing or other means, it will be really hard on him. His identity is tied up in his level of success. That’s what happened to my ex. He was chronically unemployed after he smarted off to his last boss. He was a superior employee. But they would not put up with his lip.
And there began a downward spiral. In order to make himself feel better, he had to tear us down. Things may not be as rosy as he would let on at the job perhaps. At any rate, he really should meet with your priest to remind him that the only job that he MUST be uber successful at is husband and father. True, it’s great to be a good provider, but if the people you provide for have no quality of life? You’ve failed.
Encourage him to speak to the priest. Alone. He needs prayer and a powerful retreat as some have suggested. God bless.

 

[Matercul]

And I just want to share further, that I find an immense beauty in Christian Marriage, and complementary of the sexes, etc. I keep HOPING for that, because I AM the type of woman who has found so much joy raising the children, being a homemaker, and TRYING to do the nice things that wives do for their spouses.

SO MUCH of what my husband said when we were dating was right on spiritually, etc. I was drawn to someone who loved the Church so much, and was so passionate about it. So, I took in everything he said, and didn’t have the sense to question or filter out when he crossed the line. Deep down I know he feel superior to me, and he has even admitted it. We are not equals, and there is not mutual respect. It makes trying to be a “good wife” a total nightmare.

 

[eli1118]

You are in my prayers and I truly can relate. My husband of 15 years has been verbally abusive to my son and me, basically for almost his entire life and my son is 8. My son and I are in counseling and it has helped tremendously. We go through the cycle of good and bad but now the abuse is more focused towards me.
If I say no to my “wifely” duty I get the silent treatment for a week or more. In other words if he is not controlling me through my son he will find a way.
Keep praying. I pray the rosary everyday and that gives me comfort.
Stay safe and connect with friends and family. Make sure they know what’s going on.

May God bless you and keep you

 

[pensmama87]

Like a lot of personality disorders, narcissism can exist on a spectrum. The person the narcissist is using for his “supply” has to decide what they are willing to put up with.

My husband has a few features of narcissistic personality; however, his symptoms are relatively mild (though still infuriating) and there are ways I can communicate with him that help him manage them, mainly by showing him that if he can treat me a certain way (i.e. like a human being), his life will be a lot easier than if he does not. A lot of his sense of self he gets from feeling like a good husband and father, and it’s easier for him to feel that if he actually does the things a good husband and father does.

That being said, it’s a LOT of work for me to do that, and that’s when he’s being cooperative and has a (albeit limited) understanding that he does, in fact, have an issue. I think if his symptoms were more severe, or if he was deliberately cutting me down, or if family life wasn’t such an important part of his image, I’d probably have to figure out a way to live separately. It sounds like what you’re dealing with is at the much more severe end of the spectrum. “Staying together for the kids” is NOT a bad ideal, but this has lots of potential to harm the kids in the way that other marital troubles might not.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

You don’t have to give me more examples. It get it. You are me 10 years ago.
It only gets worse. Does he abuse alcohol? Is there some habit of his that fuels his rage?
My husband ended up taking his own life when I finally decided I’d had it. He threatened to kill our oldest daughter over spilled water. That was IT. Called the cops, they saw me and the little girls in tears, and they read him the riot act, and encouraged me to get a trash bag, fill it with clothes and school books, the car keys, the house keys and take off.
We did. Got word at the battered women’s shelter that he had killed himself. At home.

Was a long horrible road.
Have HIM meet with the priest.
Tell him that you both need it.
Insist. It’s urgent.
I’m praying for you.
pianist

Wow pianist,
I did not know that story. You are one of the posters I respect more than most. I find you to not only be Catholic, but classy, well educated, logical,and very in charge of your emotions. Were you always like this or is this part of the aftermath of ten years ago?

 

[Rico_S]

For obvious reasons I don’t want to be too specific, but I can share a common scenario.

I wake up earlier than the rest of the family to drink coffee and have some prayer/reading time. On one morning, my husband came down during this time (very unusual). He poured a cup of coffee, walked over to me, and stared. I looked at him puzzled. Finally he told me to “Get up.”
We went on to have a huge battle over this, because apparently I am supposed to know that when he comes down the stairs that it’s my “job” to get out of the seat that he wants, because “his home, his castle.” I was supposed to know automatically that he wanted to sit in “his” chair (even though I sit in it every morning, and had no idea of his expectations).
I plead with him, try to reason, etc., that if he ASKED me, or would share with me KINDLY about these things, that I would more than likely not see it a big deal that I move to a different chair. But, these are the way situations work in our household. I literally screw up in the morning before even saying a word.
And then, when I try to explain how I didn’t realize that he wanted to sit in “his” chair, I get further criticism and insults about how bad of a wife I am for not knowing that that was “his” chair.

So, a typical morning for me, more or less.

Wow. I’m stunned. I just can’t imagine a man treating his wife this way…and I do not consider myself a good husband by any stretch. But that is just disgusting. What an @$%#@. The whole “we’re in a traditional catholic marriage” is just laughable.

Anyway, I am so sorry for your situation and I understand how much strength it must take to hold things together. I do fear that your children are not going to come out of this unscathed…and have a warped view of how husbands are supposed to treat wives; so I would be inclined to draw a line in the sand. I’d tell you to talk to your priest and have him intervene, but I know so often in these very rad trad type circles the priests will not by sympathetic to the wife. Perhaps look away from your normal parish for some advice?

Anyway, your story just struck a chord with me today. I sincerely hope you find a way out of this or at least find a way to improve the situation.

 

[Patti_M]

This may be out of line but have you ever thought to record (on an I phone) some of the things he says to you? Just so his family can see what you are up against or would that be too dangerous for you? I’m thinking if they really saw how bad it is maybe they could help you. Maybe some of the other posters can advise here.

Your situation sounds so very sad. Do you feel safe around this guy?