My husband is a narcissist

[StGerardMajella]

I feel trapped and worthless. I’m also incredibly embarrassed. I’m tired of being put down every day, I’m tired of dreading every phone call from him and if he’s going to be decent to me or not. The kids love him, and the ONLY thing keeping me in this marriage is that I don’t want our kids growing up in a broken home. But, I honestly, truly don’t know how long I can tolerate being treated the way I am. I’m scared of a life on my own, but I’m miserable, too.

I go back and forth on trying to be the “perfect” wife who makes dinner, cleans the house, and cares for the kids. But I get burned out, too, and when I’m berated for it all, it’s hard to believe that my “role” holds any value.

Psychological abuse. Emotional abuse. Mental abuse. Battered wife syndrome. All of these terms come to mind with your descriptions above.

He may not be physically abusive, but he is very psychologically abusive. You are not the issue - He has problems and needs help. You need to protect yourself, and your children, regardless of the money he makes, the prestige he has in the community, or what others outside the home think of him.

Frankly, I would consider finding another counselor that is looking out more closely for your best interests. It sounds to me like you need to separate yourself from him, and take steps to protect yourself. A competent professional can advise.

No one wants a broken home. But no child wants a battered mother either. Seek help.

 

[Cable]

For obvious reasons I don’t want to be too specific, but I can share a common scenario.

… On one morning, my husband came down during this time (very unusual). He poured a cup of coffee, walked over to me, and stared. I looked at him puzzled. Finally he told me to “Get up.”

“No. Do you not see other chairs here?” He’s also a bully, and it you give in an inch, he’ll take a mile. He doesn’t respect you because you don’t stand up for yourself. I don’t see how he can act more uncaring toward you than he does now, so you have nothing to lose by just saying “No” whenever he tries to boss you around. And when he browbeats you, have a plan for leaving physically from the situation - unless you think he would become a physical threat. If that’s true, then I hope you can talk this over w/ a proactive counselor who can help you make some tough decisions. You wouldn’t stand in the middle of a freeway and dodge oncoming cars would you -

 

[pollylodges]

Saint Michael, the archangel, defend us in battle, be our defense against the wickedness and snares of the devil, may God rebuke him, we humbly pray. And do you, O’ Prince of the Heavenly host, by the power of God thrust into Hell Satan and all the other evil spirits who prowl about the world for the ruin of souls.

Amen.

†

Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread.

And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

Amen.

†

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.

Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.

Amen.

†

For Help in Trials

Most holy apostle St. Jude, faithful servant and friend of Jesus, the name of the traitor who delivered your beloved Master into the hands of His enemies has caused you to be forgotten by many. But the Church honors and invokes you universally as the patron of hopeless cases–of things despaired of. Pray for me who feels so hopeless. Make use, I implore you, of that particular privilege accorded to you of bringing visible and speedy help where help is almost despaired of. Come to my assistance in this great need, that I may receive the consolations and succor of heaven in all my necessities, tribulations and sufferings, in particular Matercul, and that I may bless God with you and all the elect throughout eternity. I promise you, O Blessed St. Jude, to be ever mindful of this great favor, and I will never cease to honor you as my special and powerful patron, and to do all in my power to encourage devotion to you. Amen.

 

[DaisymaeD]

Dear OP, one of the other posters alluded to the effect on children of growing up in a home like this. Here’s another, very real danger–that they’ll grow up to hate God.

Your description of your home life is what I grew up with, controlling, cruel father–who paraded himself as Joe Catholic-- and (please don’t take offense) passive mother. End result? All my sibs HATE the Catholic Church, only one besides me is a deist. Not to mention the other profound emotional problems they carry, broken relationships, institutionalizations, etc. even my mom left the church, and she was an intelligent, true believer. The abuse was just too bad. She wants NO memories.

I’m not trying to scare you, but you need to know what the stakes are.

I happened to remain a catholic, but it was no walk in the park, and my faith took a tremendous beating along the way, and it was so hard to separate my dad’s crazy nuttery form of Catholicism from the true faith.

You’re in my prayers.

 

[Et_Cetera]

Your husband is abusive. You don’t deserve abuse and your kids shouldn’t have to be around an abusive and potentially dangerous person. Even if he doesn’t currently treat them badly, if he’s able to do it to you, then it’s likely he could turn on them too. What if you or one of your kids gets physically abused in addition to the mental abuse?

You don’t have to put up with this in life. And your children should not be watching this kind of behavior. I can almost guarantee it’s doing psychological damage for them to be in this environment. My best friend grew up in a house like this. Her mother stayed so that they could have their family be together. As my friend would surely attest, it was all a huge mistake, and her childhood, teen years, and adult life would be much better if she hadn’t grown up in fear. She’s a successful adult now in the traditional sense, but the emotional damage is always there, waiting to swallow her.

Film the abuse, then get an attorney. Get yourself out.

 

[ineeda]

My first husband was abusive. He was not religious at all. He was baptized Catholic, and that is it. His mother divorced his dad.(the dad was Catholic) The dad never bothered with him after they divorced. My ex always used to say that women are to obey their husbands, and it says that in the bible. He was not a bible reader, either. In his family, the women acted like they were second class citizens. His mother catered to him. I heard that his grandmother did, too. She died before we were dating. And, when I say his mother catered to him. I mean she waited on him hand and foot.

He had the belief that it was his home, his castle. When he was awake, he had the sofa. He had preference to everything because “he was the man in the house”. Even when I worked full time, and he was laid off. He laid around all day, and I came home and made his dinner. Not only did I make his dinner, I served it to him. I was a very naive girl.

I was with him, for four years. I left when my two children were very young. My son was three, and my daughter was ten months old.

Fast forward, many years later, I learned that he most likely had borderline personality disorder. I believe that he was more narcissistic. And, IMHO, his sister has BPD, his mother, and my ex was more NPD. I suspect that his bio dad had NPD, from what I have heard.

I would get to a counselor. If he will not go, then go, yourself. Also, if he is calling the “Catholic card” on you being so submissive to him, then get him to your priest with you. It is also, “husbands love your wives”. He is not respecting you.

I have been with my current husband for sixteen years. And, he is on the opposite end of the spectrum than my ex was. He caters to me. And, I cater to him as well. He treats me like a queen. He is so loving to me. I take care of my elderly mother, and he is such a big help with her, too. My chief complaint with him, is that he will not go to church. Of course, when we married, I was pretty much, a lapsed Catholic. We just had our marriage blessed. Now, I just pray that he will join me in going to church, someday. His family were not church people. They were Orthodox, and attended only Easter and Christmas.

Please do not tolerate abuse. I am not telling you to leave, but just do not let him abuse you. Seek help. You do not want your children to see him disrespect you. I will pray for you.

 

[ineeda]

I just went back and read your initial post. I see that you are already seeing a counselor and talking to your priest. So, you are receiving professional advice.

 

[panorama]

I am a husband and I used to have some characteristics of a narcissist. Not all but these traits were slowly growing if not controlled. Over the last few years, thanks be to God’s mercy on my soul, I am getting better at controlling this narcissistic disorder and now, although there are still some traces left, I can treat my wife like a queen.

For all of you who, unfortunately, have a narcissist husband, don’t quit your marriage!
Because you actually can do something to cure him without the help of a counselor or even a priest but yourself!

Most counselors can only be good listener when it comes to dealing with a narcissist husband. They cannot cure a narcissist. And priest can pray for your husband and give your courage but he cannot cure.

Here is the list of things that you can do to change the situation:

1. Prayers:
   Say one Rosary and one Memorare for him everyday! If you’re busy, get up early or escape from your routine for 30 minutes. Find the time and if you cannot, make the time.
   “Dear Mother of God, I present to you this (sorrowful/glorious/joyful/luminous) rosary today for the healing of my husband from his narcissistic disorder. Please ask your son, Jesus, to give special graces to my husband so he can change to be a loving and faithful husband”.
2. Mass & Adoration:
   If possible, frequent the daily mass.
   A.During the gift offering, always offer all of your suffering of having a narcissist husband to Jesus and ask Him to give you courage and strength to carry this cross.
   B.During the consecration, when the priest lifts up the host and chalice, say this 15 seconds prayer:
   “Body of Christ, please heal my husband from his narcissistic disorder. Thank you Jesus, I love you.”
   “Blood of Christ, please give special graces to my husband so he can be a loving and faithful husband. Thank you Jesus, I love you.”
   C. Go to adoration as often as your time permits.
   In adoration, tells everything about your mental anguish to Jesus even the minute details of your mental suffering. Jesus LOVES it! And after this, ask Jesus to lift up your burden and tiredness so you can have new energy to carry your cross and you don’t quit your marriage vow.
3. Fasting and Abstinence on Fridays:
   If possible, offer a full day fasting and if you are not strong enough, offer a half day fasting for his healing from the narcissistic disorder. Half-day fasting, skip breakfast and lunch or have breakfast and lunch but skip dinner.
   “Dear Lord Jesus, I offer my fasting today for my husband. Please heal my husband from his narcissistic disorder and please give special graces to my husband so he can be a loving and faithful husband. Thank you Jesus, I love you.”
   Give up every kind of meat and yummy food for your husband. Just eat vegetables or if it’s not available, eat something else as long as they are not yummy.

It’s benevolent and wise to see that having a narcissist spouse, as a cross that you must carry. It has the value of redemptive suffering. In Jesus, you can do anything just don’t quit!

 

[LightBound]

I am a husband and I used to have some characteristics of a narcissist. Not all but these traits were slowly growing if not controlled. Over the last few years, thanks be to God’s mercy on my soul, I am getting better at controlling this narcissistic disorder and now, although there are still some traces left, I can treat my wife like a queen.

For all of you who, unfortunately, have a narcissist husband, don’t quit your marriage!
Because you actually can do something to cure him without the help of a counselor or even a priest but yourself!

Most counselors can only be good listener when it comes to dealing with a narcissist husband. They cannot cure a narcissist. And priest can pray for your husband and give your courage but he cannot cure.

Here is the list of things that you can do to change the situation:

1. Prayers:
   Say one Rosary and one Memorare for him everyday! If you’re busy, get up early or escape from your routine for 30 minutes. Find the time and if you cannot, make the time.
   “Dear Mother of God, I present to you this (sorrowful/glorious/joyful/luminous) rosary today for the healing of my husband from his narcissistic disorder. Please ask your son, Jesus, to give special graces to my husband so he can change to be a loving and faithful husband”.
2. Mass & Adoration:
   If possible, frequent the daily mass.
   A.During the gift offering, always offer all of your suffering of having a narcissist husband to Jesus and ask Him to give you courage and strength to carry this cross.
   B.During the consecration, when the priest lifts up the host and chalice, say this 15 seconds prayer:
   “Body of Christ, please heal my husband from his narcissistic disorder. Thank you Jesus, I love you.”
   “Blood of Christ, please give special graces to my husband so he can be a loving and faithful husband. Thank you Jesus, I love you.”
   C. Go to adoration as often as your time permits.
   In adoration, tells everything about your mental anguish to Jesus even the minute details of your mental suffering. Jesus LOVES it! And after this, ask Jesus to lift up your burden and tiredness so you can have new energy to carry your cross and you don’t quit your marriage vow.
3. Fasting and Abstinence on Fridays:
   If possible, offer a full day fasting and if you are not strong enough, offer a half day fasting for his healing from the narcissistic disorder. Half-day fasting, skip breakfast and lunch or have breakfast and lunch but skip dinner.
   “Dear Lord Jesus, I offer my fasting today for my husband. Please heal my husband from his narcissistic disorder and please give special graces to my husband so he can be a loving and faithful husband. Thank you Jesus, I love you.”
   Give up every kind of meat and yummy food for your husband. Just eat vegetables or if it’s not available, eat something else as long as they are not yummy.

It’s benevolent and wise to see that having a narcissist spouse, as a cross that you must carry. It has the value of redemptive suffering. In Jesus, you can do anything just don’t quit!

The difference here is that while you may have been narcissistic, from what she has stated about her husband, he is abusive. That is a big problem. Not just for her, but for their children. You may think she needs to experience redemptive suffering and carry her cross, but what about the children? Do you think growing up in that environment is redemptive for them? It’s only going to teach the daughter that a man should treat her in the way her father treats her mother and the son is going to learn that he should treat his future wife the way Dad treats mom. Not to mention it puts their very Faith in jeopardy- the OP already stated her husband is a traditional Catholic- the kids will grow up thinking Dad’s behavior must be what traditional Catholics do. While your suggestions for offering up for her husband are admirable, you must have missed the parts in the thread that show he is abusive. She’s certainly suffers enough in her daily life with this man that I really don’t think she** is the one in the marriage who should be doing these things.

 

[Xantippe]

The difference here is that while you may have been narcissistic, from what she has stated about her husband, he is abusive. That is a big problem. Not just for her, but for their children. You may think she needs to experience redemptive suffering and carry her cross, but what about the children? Do you think growing up in that environment is redemptive for them? It’s only going to teach the daughter that she is to be treated like her mother and the son is going to learn that he should treat his future wife the way Dad treats mom. Not to mention it puts their very Faith in jeopardy- the OP already stated her husband is a traditional Catholic- the kids will grow up thinking Dad’s behavior must be what traditional Catholics do. While your suggestions for offering up for her husband are admirable, she’s certainly suffered enough in her daily life. He’s the one who should be doing these things to change himself and save his marriage and his children.

Or the daughter may learn that she should mistreat her husband and children, or the son may learn that he should allow himself and his children to be mistreated, or the kids may totally turn against the idea of marriage, seeing it as inherently abusive.

The possibilities are truly endless.

 

[esieffe]

My childhood best friend had this disorder and also was bipolar. Stubborn as a mule and opinionated. He was just a dreadful husband. His wife left him the first time when she accepted the fact that her teenaged son was becoming a carbon copy of him. He encouraged his son to be hateful to his wife. They would gang up on her. He was so abusive.

For whatever reason, she decided to return. After threatening his parents and her with a gun, she left again, after serving him with divorce papers. He called her up and left a nasty VM wishing her a happy anniversary and then shot himself. At first I thought it might have been despair, but the more I heard about the situation, the more I suspect this was his final act of “punishment.”

I hesitated sharing this as I worry you might stay in this situation for fear that he might kill himself, but don’t. Remember the three C’s.

You did not Cause it, you cannot Cure it, you cannot Change him. You are in my prayers.

 

[pianistclare]

My childhood best friend had this disorder and also was bipolar. Stubborn as a mule and opinionated. He was just a dreadful husband. His wife left him the first time when she accepted the fact that her teenaged son was becoming a carbon copy of him. He encouraged his son to be hateful to his wife. They would gang up on her. He was so abusive.

For whatever reason, she decided to return. After threatening his parents and her with a gun, she left again, after serving him with divorce papers. He called her up and left a nasty VM wishing her a happy anniversary and then shot himself. At first I thought it might have been despair, but the more I heard about the situation, the more I suspect this was his final act of “punishment.”

I hesitated sharing this as I worry you might stay in this situation for fear that he might kill himself, but don’t. Remember the three C’s.

You did not Cause it, you cannot Cure it, you cannot Change him. You are in my prayers.

THIS^^^^.
this is nearly exactly what happened to me.
Call…suicide on the phone…at HOME…horrible aftermath with the children.
READ HIS POST OVER AND OVER. This happens. It happened to me.
Make preparations today. Find a safe anonymous place to go. Get out.
I can’t stress it enough. Get into a safe place, even if it’s a battered women’s shelter or with friends.

 

[Deltadeliquent]

Books:
The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists
Eleanor Payson. Very very good book. Also Boundries.

Get a copy and tear off the cover. Go a little early and read it in the car whilst waiting to pick up your kids.

Get angry. Get very angry. You do not, in any sort of universe, deserve that sort of treatment.
Neither do your kids. If not already, they will soon have be in your seat too.

Get angry and get strong. Turn it around on him. Fight back.
What do you have to lose?

Do not continue to be his punching bag. Move out to another room, move out of his life as much as you can. If you can’t do it physically, do it mentally. Actually, better yet, do it mentally.
In your mind make him simply part of your enviroment. He is not your husband. He’s just another object that is in your house. The salt shaker. A hair brush. That’s all. It’s you and the kids. Simply move around him like you would a chair or table.

Disengage. Don’t let him see you be hurt. Don’t be hurt. He is a wounded animal that can’t be healed. He is simply reacting to the emptiness inside of himself. Don’t feel sorry for him. He is like a sharp knife who’s nature is to cut. He doesn’t need sympathy, or help. He is just who he is. Nothing more.

Take away the jackpot he gets by bulling you. Refuse to be a part of the dance and begin make a life for yourself outside of the marriage and family.

Make a plan. Even if you stay, those children will grow up and will run away from him.
Make a plan to return to life after the kids are grown. It happens faster than you think.

Decide on a method of making a living on your own. Plan for an education that will get you there. Maybe take a few classes, if possible toward that goal.

He might like that. He will be the magnanimous one, and it gives him something else to belittle about you. Teaching?! You would be a terrible teacher, the kids would eat you alive. But go ahead and have your fantasy, if you want. I’ll endulge you. See what a good husband I am!
Sell real estate? You can’t even balance the checkbook! Ha ha ha! He’s so funny!
What a wit.
Tell him it’s an art class, buy the art supplies. But take a class that will give you a living down the line. Study the business books at your friends house. Use her computer to do your papers. He can think whatever he likes, and he will think the least of you that he can.
Let him.

Round off the grocery bills and keep the excess. If the bill is for 35.00$ use that debit card and get $10.00 back. What does he know about the price of baking potatoes? Or cat food. A dollar, a dollar there. Isn’t it getting expensive to raise a family these days? It’s all the damned banker’s fault. They should all be in jail.

Any money that comes in, find a way to get $5 or $10 for your self. Sock it away. He will never know. It’s not stealing, it’s your money too. Buy a scratch lottery ticket at the checkout. Another ten, another twenty will only help. Maybe you will hit the jackpot. In the meantime you are taking charge and creating your own jackpot.

You have taken back control over your own life.

In a few years, you will have a wad of cash that will serve as your life line. Keep it hidden. Give it to your closest friend, the one who hates him, to keep safe for you. Drive to another town and start a bank account. Get a P.O. Box there to receive mail.

Your Getting Away Money.
Money gives you choices.

I have been there, and he will not change. If you stand up to him without threatening him as it says in the book, he might soften a bit and your life will be easier. You can finish raising your kids and then you can leave. You owe him nothing.
He is not being a Catholic husband. You are not in a Carholic marriage. You are in a situation where you are being dominated and belittled in order to make him feel better about himself. He is like he is beacuse he is empty inside. Because he is scared and doesn’t know how else to live.

Been there, done that.
Stay for the kids if you just, but act upon getting away from today. Make it your secret weapon, make it your hope, make it your life project.
You deserve to be happy and in a loving, healthy marriage.
He is never going to allow that.

It will give you the means to leave, and before that it will give you hope. Just collecting it will give you hope and you will be moving towards a future either without him, or as an equal to him.
Think: is this life good enough for your daughter? Would you want your grown up daughter to be in your shoes?

If it’s not good enough to for her, why in the world is it good enough for you?
It’s NOT.
Been there, done that. He won’t change. You won’t get those years back. He’s not sorry, and never will be.

I knew my time had come the day I couldn’t bring myself to take his clean shirts out of the dryer. Touching his even CLEAN clothes was too intimate for me. Something a paid stranger could do without blinking an eye, I couldn’t do. Those shirts stayed in the dryer for days. Something was very wrong with things.

You are in my prayers.