My husband is an angry atheist; I'm a revert living a double life

[aroosi]

Good for you was a reply to Retsel saying he never met an atheist that was unreasonable

 

[Randolph]

I’ve failed miserably at getting the balance between being discreet and being secretive. I haven’t deliberately misled him, or not intended to, but he is so aggressive and / or passive aggressive that i feel forced underground. If I say I’m going to church he will make a cutting comment that really hurts and niggles away at me, yet he’s forgotten about it or acts like nothing’s happened.

I believe you have been on the right track, and have handled this situation well. The roads ahead continue to be very difficult for you. Continue to hope, persevere and pray…

 

[adamhovey1988]

But even turned up half way through for the 4th child. Any time religion/God/the church is mentioned he gets angry.

if he doesn’t believe God, why does he care?

He hates me reading religious books, and so I don’t in front of him, because it will just be another argument or sarcastic, noting comment.

You are his spouse, not his slave. The Bible says that wives should be obedient to their husbands, but it also says that husbands should love their wives as Christ loves the church.

Any mention of the church makes him angrier.

Oh well. Once again, you are not his slave. Talk to him about it all the more. You should be concerned with his soul.

 

[TheLittleLady]

If you ever want to talk to a couple who has managed this lovingly for a long time (he is an ordained deacon in the Catholic Church, she is pastor at a Methodist Church), PM me. I can make an online introduction.

 

[Leek]

Yeah that sounds really toxic, you should try to discuss some boundaries and encourage discussion so you both know what the other is doing and respect each other’s differences but find ways to compromise. I’m really terrible at communicating so I’ve had to go through some difficult lessons about speaking up for myself and being direct.

Do you know why he hates religion as oppose to just doesn’t believe? ( we haven’t always been shining examples to follow).

Like if I was married to a Jehovah’s Witness i would be concerned about denial of blood transfusions but if I didn’t say that was my concern and just grumped and got angry it wouldn’t help anything.

 

[TheLittleLady]

The fear of his temper, the hiding even a book, please, talk to a counselor. If you can get him to do the same, that will be even better. Your kids are watching, they see FAR MORE than you realize. Love does not fear the other person.

Perhaps give a little bit, attend Daily Mass a couple of times per week & Sunday, and meet him for breakfast the other days. Make Sunday so amazing, when you come home from Mass you are full of joy and love, go on a special afternoon outing, picnic in the park, go bowling, go dancing, something that the two of you did when you were dating, remember where you started. Make Sunday so great that your husband tells his work friends “wow, Jessie going to Mass has improved our relationship so much that you ought to encourage your wives to go to Mass”.

 

[TheLittleLady]

he doesn’t want me to go because it’s still an infection risk and I have to consider him and the family. It’s not just about me.

Exactly. It is reasonable to be cautious.

 

[Lou2U]

The fear of his temper, the hiding even a book, please, talk to a counselor. If you can get him to do the same, that will be even better. Your kids are watching, they see FAR MORE than you realize. Love does not fear the other person.

This, a thousand times. You don’t deserve to live in fear, @Jessie, and your children don’t deserve to see their mother afraid of their father. Walking on eggshells is bad for all of you. Please talk to a counselor.

 

[Jessie]

@ Leek - I don’t know why he hates it so much. He goes to an awful lot of effort over something he doesn’t believe in, which I find odd, like he’ll read books about the God delusion, or how faith is a big bad thing. He says he feels excluded, but he was furious with me last time I invited him to come with us (an extremely rare event. I asked him only because he was mad at me for wanting to go to church when we were away on holiday, and asked what he was supposed to do, and I said he could come with and he went mental). Like I said, when we married he was an ambivalent agnostic. now he’s really anti church. If the shops are shut (as they are on Sunday and public holidays) he’ll mutter about bloody papists ruining his weekend etc.

@The little lady, I really am giving , I think more than a little bit. I could have gone to Mass this morning, but to respect his wishes I haven’t. Before the corona madness, I would go to Mass on Saturday morning, and be back by 9.30 and the kids are all still in bed, and he’s still in bed or pj, yet he’d be angry for me going and spoiling the Saturday. I don’t feel I can win unless I give it up altogether which I can’t and won’t.

As for the kids, not surprisingly, 2 have now declared themselves atheists. one still comes with me (with teenage hiccups) but now cos of corona hasn’t been for ages and I can see him enjoying his lie-ins and it being difficult to get him back
Our youngest is my last remaining hope! She comes every week, but again, not now, and we pray the rosary together every day, but it’s really secretive, esp now he’s working from home, and a couple of times we’ve left up guiltily when he’s walked in. I know it’s not good. I just don’t know how to change it, other than not praying with her at all. He would be very unhappy at me prying with her.

I really try to be the radiating joy when returning from Mass. He’s usually angry with me for having gone, so wouldn’t notice over his glower anyway. I try so hard to be attentive and loving. Believe me, he benefits enormously from me going! He just doesn’t know or accept it

Any suggestions how I subtly introduce the topic of talking with the priest? And coping with days off. Weekends are so hard, as I have very little time alone to pray or read, thank God for the dog! But soon he will have1 or 2 weeks off, and we can’t go anywhere, I 'm absolutely dreading it.

 

[Jessie]

Sorry, meant to say, for that reason I stopped going on Saturday morning, even though everyone’s still in bed anyway. I cried real tears of anger and frustration sitting alone while everyone’s tucked up in bed, and I could be at Mass, but instead sitting alone in the house just because he didn’t want me to go. I generally wake up very early (5 or 6) he will wake up 9 +, and the kids…

 

[OddBird]

By the way darling, I’ve been going for spiritual direction for a year, didn’t I mention it?

I could have written that sentence. And add confession too.

It feels like an affair. But it’s with God and the church.

That’s how I feel too.

I don’t have anything helpful to suggest, but you are not alone.

Take care of yourself. The emotional burden takes its toll, and last October, with all that constant worrying and not sleeping, I ended up on sick leave because I was on the verge of burnout.

 

[thelovelyone]

But, my husband, over the years became increasingly angry with His, the church, me for going to church.

I wonder why he’s so angry maybe something happened in his past
I think that you should pray for him and also see a professional

 

[Jessie]

I do pray for him, of course every day. I do novena. For the last 9 months I’ve been saying the St Bridget Prayers, for him. I offer up my fasts for him.

He would under no circumstances consider he needed therapy, and I 'm just picturing the scene when I suggest he should consider psychistric help as he doesn’t believe in God and is angry because i do!

Thing is, I committed to marry him, and I’m supposed to be getting him to heaven. And so far 2.5 of our children have binned out of the church and my husband hates it. I’m not sure I’m going to get a warm welcome when I meet my maker

OddBird, I’m sorry.
The Little Lady, thank you for your offer, but I really don’t see how that would help me. Unfortunately.

 

[thelovelyone]

Is there something that you don’t know about him?

 

[ProdglArchitect]

He would under no circumstances consider he needed therapy, and I 'm just picturing the scene when I suggest he should consider psychistric help as he doesn’t believe in God and is angry because i do!

I wouldn’t put it int hose terms. I would put it in terms more like: “My faith is important to me, and i feel like I cannot express that freely in our home. i would like to sit with a councilor and see if we can work through it together.” a common technique I hear when people are asking how to get their spouse to go to counselling is to never say that the other person is the cause of the problem. They become defensive and refuse to go. If you say that 'I have a problem" or , “I feel” they’re less likely to become defensive.

 

[TheLittleLady]

I 'm just picturing the scene when I suggest he should consider psychistric help as he doesn’t believe in God and is angry because i

You suggest therapy because you are afraid of his anger issues and you do not want them to have one more day of impact on your kids.

 

[Legend]

It’s your marriage; it has fallen into neglect.

If it wasn’t God and the church it would be something else. How you look, family, friends, housekeeping, job or even what you eat and drink.

The Church is just the primary way he shows his disrespect.

Getting it back into balance is what need to learn, not new ways of hiding

This is true, but, OP, it seems you have a part in the ‘neglect’, too.

I’ve read some of your older posts, and it seems as if you ‘reverted’ about 2-3 years ago. While this is a good thing, you’ve also blamed yourself for some of your kids not wanting to go to church…and you sometimes blame yourself, not for the way you raised them, but for things you did as a child/teen…way before they were born! Do you have scruples? That isn’t healthy for you, yourself, let alone for people who didn’t even exist at the time of your ‘misbehavior.’

Was your husband an atheist or agnostic before you married? If so, you’re expecting a lot of him! If not, or even if he was, maybe your conversion kind of over-surprised him.

Even with that, there seem to be things about this situation that are a bit ‘off’. Like why should you hide what you’re reading from him? It seems that he reads what he wants to, and in front of you. It’s almost like you’re feeling guilty! Like you’re doing something wrong. I know it’s personal…and I could be completely ‘off’…but I’m wondering why you married him!
(Note: Please don’t feel that you have to answer that, or anything I’ve asked here…I do a lot of ‘thinking out loud’.)

So…you’ve found a priest, and are afraid to have him meet your husband. You hide your books, and even sneak away to read or pray. That’s not right!

I was even thinking of asking you before-as I’ve been reading another thread, on the subject-if either you or your husband had a substance abuse problem? The immediate problem, as it came up on the other thread, being one spouse being unable to fully understand, or accept, AA jargon?

Well, I’ve thought out loud long enough. From where I can see, this situation is extremely unwise to be placed in the hands of non-professionals. You really should see a counselor. And, if your husband is physically abusing you in any way, you must get out, and get your underage kids out.

So, best of luck, and God Bless!

 

[Inbonum]

OP, you can also offer to Jesus pain, sadness and all other burdens for conversion of your husband/for children/yourself.

 

[Ammi]

My priest (brave man) recently offered to speak with him

Wow! That is very rare, and awsome!

I would be content to attend Sunday Mass for now. But do what you believe comes from faith, and is supported by Church Teaching. Do not be afraid of the consequences of doing anything good. Trust that He will arrange things to overcome the devil’s schemes.

 

[Leek]

So it’s a bit like opposing your faith is part of his faith instead of just him having different beliefs. Does he have any positive constructive beliefs that he could share to feel included?