My husband is an angry atheist; I'm a revert living a double life

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It sounds like your husband needs therapy, tbh. The religion aspect might just be a convenient excuse to lash out. If it wasn’t religion it would be something else. Healthy people respect healthy boundaries. He doesn’t have to agree with your religion to respect you, your feelings, and your boundaries. I can understand why he might feel strange about his kids going to church, as a non-Christian I’d have some feels about that myself and have to negotiate that with my partner, but he shouldn’t be pitching a fit if you want to go yourself. You deserve to feel safe with your partner.
 
OP, make no mistake about it. His issue is with Jesus and the Christian religion.

Accept it, and strive to live in peace, as much as possible.
 
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Thanks for your Thoughts and support. After much consideration, I can honestly say I really do not think if it weren’t religion it would be something else. We have been married for over 20 years, and this is the only area that is, or has been so difficult. We have argued a lot over things at times, eg the kids when they were younger, but only this causes such massive, on-going tension.

This thread has been useful. I have always thought the balance was off. I have tried too hard to be accommodating, to not affect him, to my detriment. (eg I have missed masses, even HDoO ) to appease him. Now I see that it’s possibly gone much too far the other way. and it’s built up into a toxic situation, him pushing, me giving in more and more.

So i need to find a non-confrontational way to ease the situation back onto an even footing. That I am more assertive about my spiritual needs, maybe not hide so much, without rubbing his nose in it. Following this thread, I felt brave enough to mention the priest (just in terms of me having had a conversation with him, not inviting my husband to talk with the priest!), but actually, the chance didn’t really present itself.

I am really lucky to have found a wonderful parish with the most amazing, supportive and dedicated priests. I have searched for literally years with an aching longing, and finally, not only find a wonderful church, but the care and support of the priests has been something I could never have hoped for.

I want to be considerate of my husband’s feelings, without totally crushing my own. And need to find a way of addressing this big problem. If there is another big blow-up I might suggest therapy, but actually, I doubt he would even consider it, and anyway, I hope we can work it out between us. I married him because he was (still is) very nurturing, caring, funny. we love each other. Still do. I guess over the years I have become more relaxed (apart from this high-anxiety situation) whereas, I guess with the responsibilities of a family and a very stressful job he has become more angry and impatient.

I’m sure with God’s grace, and some great suggestions and support from you(!) it’ll improve.

Thanks again. 🙂
 
Yes. I agree. And yes, the priest is totally amazing and has helped me so much.
 
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This thread is bringing me back in time. My husband was Catholic and knew that I was Catholic 100% HLS when we married. As our marriage went on, he became more and more anti-Catholic. Sundays were the worst. If he went to mass with us (very rarely) I would cringe knowing that he would be in a foul mood the rest of the day. He never missed a chance to say something derogatory about the Church. Each child’s baptism and first holy communion just made him more anti-Catholic. I could tell when people were praying for us as his mood became particularly angry at these times. It was like Satan was fighting to stay in there. He did agree to go to counseling with me because I threatened to take the kids and leave him. The counselor wanted to see him separately. He went a few times but then stopped going. He would leave the house once a week pretending to go to his appointment.

I finally left him after 13 years. I couldn’t raise my children in a house like that.
 
Hi Jessie,
Some thoughts:
You should not feel like a slave in your own home, which is what you describe: afraid to attend church on Saturdays, afraid to read a Christian book in front of him.
I wouldn’t mention that you’re talking with a priest, just because it’s really none of his business. But I would suggest you stop hiding your devotions from him. Read whatever book you want, and don’t make a big deal of it. Pray the rosary when you want, although if it’s going to cause an argument, maybe don’t pray with your daughter where he’s liable to walk in.
If he gives you a hard time, maybe say that you’ve been talking with a priest who is willing to talk to him, if he’d like, to clarify things.
You will feel better if you can practice your faith without hiding it. And if you really need to hide it, and he becomes abusive about it, you might need to rethink your marriage.
But a couple of good questions might make him stop and think, such as “Do I tell you what you can and cannot read?” “If you’re asleep, what do you care what I do with my time? I thought we were partners.”
You shouldn’t have to lead a double life.
 
You shouldn’t have to live a double life. However, if you fear his temper, you likely have a good reason. Don’t ignore your instincts. You have them for a reason. Try to push for counseling, but make a plan for your own safety if that doesn’t pan out.
 
This is just a thought, but, if I recall correctly, all but the OP’s youngest child call themselves atheists now. I wonder how much of that is the coming thing their own conclusions and how much of that is fear or desire to stay on their father’s good side after observing the way he treats their Christian mother. If that’s the case, the OP standing up for herself more could lead them to reconsidering.
 
2 of the 4 are self-declared atheists. I really don’t think this is in order to please my husband. I think they are all very similar. Big thinkers, rational, want proof, there’s no scientific evidence, it doesn’t make sense. There is no God.

My second son is a lazy teenager, he comes to Church with me, when it’s convenient. He chose to get confirmed. He thinks that coming, eben haphazardly, is fine, after all, it’s significantly more than any of his friends, no one, a part from me, goes every week. (his rational)

To be clear, I do not feel physically threatened by my husband. I do not feel he would hurt me. But it’s so hard mentally. Or churches are finally reopening. I have asked if it’s OK that we go tomorrow (he is genuinely concerned about me catching Corona, I got ill a year ago, ironically collapsed in church from a lung embolism) so he is worried about my health and seems convinced churches are the most legal place to be. Anyway, due to his express concerns re infection, I asked if it was OK. He said in stroppy PA way in an adult, can make my own decisions. Then loads of comments. Including, so just to be clear, you’ll only be home on Sunday afternoon. (Mass is at 10. I’d have to leave about 9.15, return about 11.30). I tried to say that I will be a couple of hours. And he’s angrily overruling that in his usual lawyer-like manner. If I am back home at 11.30, and I will certainly end up being a bit later than that, then I’ll essentially be home just before noon. So only home in the afternoon. So he’s annoyed going to Mass means il ne font for half the day.

So now I daren’t raise the Ascension on Thursday ☹️
 
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Jessie said:
To be clear, I do not feel physically threatened by my husband. I do not feel he would hurt me. But it’s so hard mentally.
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Verbal abuse is just as harmful as physical abuse. This is something that has taken me years to acknowledge because it’s not as obvious.
 
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