ChrisDee: You asked for help; I’ll see what I can give.
First, I would seriously consider putting your journey on the back burner. Notice, I didn’t say quit. But it needs to get off the boil. From what you said, further action at this time is most likely going to precipitate either physical violence, or him moving out. Neither will strengthen your marriage. God loves you where you are; and if you are being led on a journey to the fullness of truth, you will get there in God’s good time. It doesn’t need to be your time.
Second, I would apologize. Not for seeking the truth. That needs no apology, and doing so is something he would see right through. The apology isn’t a game, or a means of manipulating him to a position you want. You simply and sincerely need to apologize for upsetting him. Keep it to the issue at hand. You tripped his trigger, unknowingly, but tripped it, and he went nuclear. It isn’t an issue of who is right. It is an issue of what you did upset him. He needs to know that you love, respect, and care for him, that he is your best friend, that you have upset him, and want to apologize. It should not get into a “who’s right” discussion. Just apologize. If he vents, go no more than yes, un hunh, I understand, I apologize. Do not get drawn into a “discussion”, as that will go nuclear forthwith. Do not get pulled into making promises, other than, perhaps, you will go much more slowly in your journey. Indicate to him that his opinion and feelings are important to you. But keep it to an apology.
Third, find a marriage counselor. You need a Christian one; someone who values marriage (a Catholic one might be nice, but just because they are Catholic doesn’;t make them good). You do not both need to go, but you need someone who can help you professionally. Your friends advice will lead directly to disaster, I can guarantee. You may need several sessions; they can help you to see if you can come to the point of both of you going. It may be that all you will need is sufficient time for this to wind down to “I really don’t like it, but I respect your integrity”. But from the sound of it, you are going to need professional help to at least learn how to deal with his overreaction to this.
You have somewhat of a “Hobson’s choice” in terms of Church law. It is entirley possible you would not be allowed to join the church until your marriage was “regularized”, that is, until he submitted to an annulment proceedure. Thus, the issue becomes moot. Or, it could be that a priest would allow you to enter the Church. But if you are seeking the truth, here it is: If you are in an irregular marriage, and having intercourse with your husband, you may not receive the Eucharist, as your state is that you are having intercourse with a man who is recognized by the Church as having another wife in a presumed sacramental marriage. The other option would be to live as brother and sister; that is, no intercourse. From your description, that is not even a possibility.
Does he have children by the prior marriage? That was my guess, from his reaction (most people, including a whole lot of Catholics, don’t understand that an annulment has nothing to do with legitimacy). I wouild also guess that his first wife left him; he sounds as if he is terrified this is happening again.
No matter. Do not give up hope. Do not give up faith, or your journey. Get help. God loves you both. I will keep you in my prayers.
By the way, I was a divorce attorney for 12 years; my advice comes from a whole lot of experience. I hope it helps.
Recently, he admitted to me, he doesn’t feel worthy of God so I think Della’s(??) suggestion of fear may be correct.
Remember, Christ has no hands but our hands! No feet but OUR feet! Be Christ here on earth–especially to your spouse!