My husband is having an emotional affair and it's killing me

[1990Domer]

Maintenance (handyman) type stuff for a retailer. Not a type A personality. Why do you ask?

I am not trying to be a jerk, but are there essential operations where the company would see his help? Or could it wait until the next day? Or is there a nighttime maintenance shift or back-up if your DH is sick?

The reason I ask is, with my DH’s job, he also does work at night, albeit from his laptop at home. He’s not a type A either, but if his work doesn’t get done, it impacts work down the line. His role is essential in keeping things running. Sadly, there is not another one of him who can duplicate his work easily. Is that also the case with your husbands job?

I am just trying to give you questions to think about. I do not want to upset you in the least. I want you to be at ease. God bless. You can PM me if you want to pick my brain more.

 

[McCartney]

I was going to say get a PI but that has already been said. I’ll pray for you.

 

[808Catholic]

Um, all points I didn’t consider. But I can really sense the OP’s anxiety, so I worry about her. Of course, spying can lead to more anxiety still. Thanks for responding. BTW, we love visiting your home as often as we can.

God creates beauty everywhere. People who live in Hawaii like to think He spent more time here! Aloha!

 

[McCartney]

I believe you need to do something or you will NEVER find peace of mind. Short of hiring a private investigator you could install a GPS tracking device on his car. It is really easy to install and not that expensive. I bought one for $100 plus a $30 monthly service amount. You can then track everything his car does. Where it goes, when it stops, how fast it is traveling and creates a permanent record. This is a very economical and accurate way to find out exactly where he is going.

I got my from a web-based company called “Track What’s Important”

Trackers are illegal unless you are the owner of the car.

 

[Needing_Grace]

Trackers are illegal unless you are the owner of the car.

So if the car is a marital asset she is the owner. Certainly don’t want to suggest anything illegal or immoral. I actually heard a Drew Mariani show on Relevant Radio (a Catholic radio syndicate for those don’t know) where they talked about this exact thing, and they were all in favor of it if there is reasonable suspicion.

I was where the OP is. I had so much anxiety that I literally didn’t eat or sleep for a week. This thing can literally destroy you. If you have not been there you have no idea. She NEEDS to get to the bottom of it one way or another. Confronting him again with no proof will be futile. And going to him with limited proof will just cause him to alter his behavior to avoid whatever you saw or suspected.

A tracker is so simple, inexpensive and EFFECTIVE. She would know exactly what is going on with certainty within a very short time. The hardest thing for me was not running to her immediately with everything I found out. I kept a very low profile and observed everything very closely for three weeks before confronting her. The best thing is to build an irrefutable case with as much evidence as you can. If you run to him the first time you find them together he will give you the “this was just a one-time thing. She needed some help or someone to talk to. It was just as friends” If he is cheating, pile up the evidence. And if he is not, quietly remove the tracker and discontinue the service.

 

[Aggie414]

Let me say I’m not married so I’m not a hundred percent sure how I would handle this.

I will say that if I were the accused person (assuming wrongly accused) and I found out that you had done the things that are mentioned – hiring a private detective or placing a GPS tracker on the vehicle I drove – it would be very difficult for me to live with someone that had that much distrust in me. I would be livid and it could possibly destroy the marriage.

Your concerns may very well be valid and I’m not sure what you can do to confirm them or disprove them. I would just be very sure that you’re willing to deal with any fallout from any decisions you make.

 

[Rose71]

You don’t seem particularly impressed with your husband’s profession: why mention he’s not a ‘Type A’? If he were mega-driven in a high-earning, more glamorous career, would you resent his working longer hours so much, or would you be really proud of him? Do you feel that it should be you ‘out there’ having a blast at work?

Anxiety is a funny old thing: often there is a route cause that isn’t necessarily the issue that triggers a real surge. I am horrified that people are suggesting detectives, trackers and the like, because that’s just fuelling the fire as far as I can see.

Perhaps you could spend a few days on a spriritual retreat, away from home, to find some time to pray and relax and really contemplate where your own life is going and why you are so plagued with anxiety. Do you feel resentful because you don’t have the buzz of a happy and busy workplace and colleagues? Is there something you could do instead, like learn a new skill, or craft and show your husband that you are still a lively, vibrant lady who makes the most of life?

The more I read this thread, the more I see 2 entirely separate issues: anxiety and insecurity is one and a husband who spends too much time away from home is the other. Okay, so they are clearly linked and I suspect one would not exist without the other, but I think it’s worth really getting to the bottom of the anxiety first. Show your husband that you can take control of your life you are committed to understanding and dealing with your fears in a sensible and spriritual way.

 

[McCartney]

So if the car is a marital asset she is the owner. Certainly don’t want to suggest anything illegal or immoral. I actually heard a Drew Mariani show on Relevant Radio (a Catholic radio syndicate for those don’t know) where they talked about this exact thing, and they were all in favor of it if there is reasonable suspicion.

I was where the OP is. I had so much anxiety that I literally didn’t eat or sleep for a week. This thing can literally destroy you. If you have not been there you have no idea. She NEEDS to get to the bottom of it one way or another. Confronting him again with no proof will be futile. And going to him with limited proof will just cause him to alter his behavior to avoid whatever you saw or suspected.

A tracker is so simple, inexpensive and EFFECTIVE. She would know exactly what is going on with certainty within a very short time. The hardest thing for me was not running to her immediately with everything I found out. I kept a very low profile and observed everything very closely for three weeks before confronting her. The best thing is to build an irrefutable case with as much evidence as you can. If you run to him the first time you find them together he will give you the “this was just a one-time thing. She needed some help or someone to talk to. It was just as friends” If he is cheating, pile up the evidence. And if he is not, quietly remove the tracker and discontinue the service.

I’m not a lawyer but I have known of a similar case. Who is the registered owner of the car - it has nothing to do with family assets. One way out is if you both have a car each in your own name then you could persuade him to swap cars with you. Tell him your car is too big; too small; not reliable etc. then if he is driving a car registered in your name you have the right to put a bug on it.

If you put a bug on his car you may never get caught but if you do… Also you cannot use that information in court if it came to that. But if he was driving your car…

 

[mommy_k]

OP-Whether or not your husband is having an emotional is not the issue here–it is that you think he is-. As a wife, you can also tell him that his work responsibilities are interfereing with your married life.

I have been married 20 plus years and if my husband was doing something that was causing me sadness and anxiety and - noticed secretive behavior- I would have a long talk with him. I woud tell him the behaviors I have noticed, and it was making me insecure-i would ask that even if I was wrong, to be insecure- to please explain in detail why he has to behave like this-knowing it is driving me crazy–

If you accuse him of an emotional affair-it is a yes or no answer-don’t ask like that. Keep the conversation open.if you accuse-he will get defensive and shut you down.

Let him answer why it is so important to him to go to work at night, what is he doing there that cannot be done in the day–especially when you feel this way–and why he cannot visit his mother-and have a night off.

When you love someone, you want to make them happy, not anxious. I would tell him that…if he disregards your feelings -then take it from there.

I would then arrange a meeting with a priest if the above does not work and secretive behavior continues. I would not return sneaky behavior with sneaky behavior on your part.

 

[Aggie414]

OP-Whether or not your husband is having an emotional is not the issue here–it is that you think he is-.

I respectfully disagree with this statement – in part. Just because a husband or wife thinks that something is going on is not reasonable to act upon that thought. If the husband or wife is able to articulate specific facts and instances that might show something is happening is different. But just a feeling can be very destructive to the marriage if that feeling is proved wrong.

 

[mommy_k]

I respectfully disagree with this statement – in part. Just because a husband or wife thinks that something is going on is not reasonable to act upon that thought. If the husband or wife is able to articulate specific facts and instances that might show something is happening is different. But just a feeling can be very destructive to the marriage if that feeling is proved wrong.

To clarify-her trust and peace in the marriage is being effected by the perception that it is an emotionall affair–whether true or not-it is real to her and so are her feelings regarding the secrecy surrounding these nightitme outings.

if you read the rest of my post, you will see that accusing him of an emotional affair is discouraged–let him explain in the following manner-- Do not accuse-- Do not put him on the defensive.

I also think there is other reasons for being secretive—as my first reply stated way upthread.

 

[Graceful_Lamb]

I think you need more and better advice that is available here online. The one thing that I do think is good advice is to go to your priest and to go to confession. I wish you peace and prayers.

This!

 

[Eliza10]

… I actually heard a Drew Mariani show on Relevant Radio where they talked about this exact thing, and** they were all in favor of it if there is reasonable suspicion. **

I was where the OP is. I had so much anxiety that I literally didn’t eat or sleep for a week. This thing can literally destroy you. If you have not been there you have no idea. She NEEDS to get to the bottom of it one way or another. Confronting him again with no proof will be futile. …

A tracker is so simple, inexpensive and EFFECTIVE. …

After going to confession about seeing the psychic and then NEVER going to a psychic again :clapping:, I think this tracker idea is the best advice. Since you have been there, “Needing Grace”, you know.

My good friend was once in a similar position and needed me help obtaining the truth about something about her husband. She had a particular request of me; I was friendly with her husband’s ex, and she wanted me to ask a particular question in a particular way to verify info she heard (and believed) elsewhere was true so that she could confront her husband because it was certain he would lie if there was any way he could get away with it.

My first thought was to hesitate, to “not get involved”, particularly because this was NOT me - I would never ask a person a question with an ulterior motive behind asking it. This was fake, and not me. I value sincerity. But I realized that was really self-serving, and felt a conviction that the right thing to do was get out of my safe comfort-zone and do a bit of acting, committing a lesser of 2 evils (a small act of insincerity vs. not helping when it was an important cause) to help her. She was seeking truth and the fact is, her husband lies habitually, and she was alone in this country and her husband knew he had the upper hand in the situation because of her isolation. I thought about how the truth sets you free, and knew my friend was enslaved by the lie she lived in. I knew the truth should come out and there really did not seem any other way.

So I gave the help I was asked to help with. I won’t go into it, its way too long a story. But I did do what she asked to help her find the truth, and the truth came out - my friend had been right in her suspicions, and she did confront her husband with confidence (and she was very motivated to stop living the lie they had been living which was a detriment to them and to their young children). And the results at first were very, very rough! However, though it I felt confidence in my heart that it was the right thing that the truth had come out into the light of day and out of the secret darkness it festered in and undermined their lives. It *did *set her and her whole family free. And that family did stay intact and though the truth was rough to begin with, the truth did set them free. It was rough for a long time, but my freind strengthened in her confidence to STAY on the path of truth, and that helped. Really, you don’t help anyone when you ignore that you know they are living a lie. You help them sin. Its true. But their marriage slowly improved over time, and now its very good. They are all happy and functioning and still intact today. I feel I did the right thing.

Some here cannot imagine what Pellehcim is going through and how the truth enslaves her, like you can, NeedingGrace. I think advice for her to back off and be a nicer person to make him like her more are off-base, in the wrong direction, frankly. Especially since there does not seem to be any evidence she is not nice enough. That makes it painful to hear, too - like insult on top of injury.

Her husband has set the bar, its okay with him to keep secrets, to sneak a conversation under the covers when she is out of the room and thinks he is napping, or speak in another language she does not know in front of her), and tell her its all nothing, like she is crazy, when all her instincts are telling her its something. Think about it - if he is lying, such denials of her reality can drive her crazy. She is entitled to the truth, and if he is stonewalling her, it is her business to find out what is upsetting the very foundation of her life, and find out that truth in whatever wise way works.

I think the GPS tracker is a great idea especially since its not an endless money pit like a private detective could turn out to be. And I agree with Catholic Radio Host Drew Martini - reasonable suspicion justifies this. (Maybe Pellehcim could look him up and ask him this quesiton! Anyway, Pellehcim has certainly presented ample evidence of “reasonable suspicion here”. And if it turns out she the Tracker give her evidence that her suspicions were completely wrong, then she will be relieved, and suspect him so much less in the future. So its a win/win.:yup:

Pellehcim, probably one reason you are so scared is you have not thought through what you would do if you find out your suspicions are true. It might help to have a plan for what you will do. Have a counselor lined up maybe. I recommend Gregory Popcak’s phone counseling. Its the best. It might be wise, if you find out its true, to keep your knowledge to yourself for awhile, while you decided what to do, too. He has had the advantage of secrecy, so it might be good for you to have it for awhile. You will get to know how he looks when he lies, too. Though, you might already know that. Anyway, your suspicions turn out to be true you can seek advice about what to do next. You can get priestly advice, too. But bide your time a little anyway and be wise. Maybe plan as soon as you find out the results to spend an hour in front of the Blessed Sacrament, and invite Jesus into all your decisions.

 

[Wampa]

The legality of GPS car tracking varies by state. In my state of Minnesota, it’s legal for a spouse to do as long as they co-own the car (arstechnica.com/tech-policy/2011/11/minnesota-its-ok-to-use-a-gps-tracker-on-your-spouse-if-you-co-own-the-car/).

IMO, it’s offbase to say you can’t work to confirm the facts because it shows distrust in him and that might change his feelings towards you.

The OP has described a more than reasonable suspicion that something is going on. Even if she decides to track him and he finds out, a reasonable spouse could examine their actions and understand why that would drive the other person to need to verify. The secretive actions are the root problem here, not the tracking. I suspect that most spouses who would be “outraged” by this are actually upset because they have something to hide and they fear being found out.

If I did a bunch of things that I could see might make my wife suspicious and she felt the need to track me, then I’d understand it. I’ve got nothing to hide and the tracking would come up empty. Then again, we are already honest and open with each other and don’t hide our daily activities. Either one of us could jump on the home computer and read the other person’s e-mail account or Facebook. Heck, either one of us can use Find My iPhone and see where the other person’s phone is at any time.

Here’s the beauty of being open in a marriage: once you know that the other person is not going to cheat, then you never need to check. In 10 years of marriage, I’ve never checked my wife’s accounts (except when she’s asked me to in order to look something up for her), because she’s never done anything secretive. There are absolutely zero flags that would even arouse my suspicion.

The OP needs to know the truth to proceed. If tracking (whether her own GPS or a PI) turns up blank, then than is totally great for her. She can stop worrying. If she discovers an ugly truth, then she can decide what to do about it and no longer has to rely on his lies for her information. Either way it’s a win for her. If he finds out about the tracking and is “outraged”, then I honestly think that’s a deficiency on his part, not on her part for “not trusting” (given the strong reasonable suspicion she’s presented here).

There can be scenarios where there’s no reasonable suspicion and the person is paranoid - then the spouse might be right to be upset - but that doesn’t seem to be the case on this fact pattern.

 

[Pellehcim]

To Rose71: Your opinion is appreciated but you have misunderstood. I am very proud of my husband in his career. He has a job he loves and has the respect of his boss and his peers. I have told him this several times. I only mentioned that he is not a type A because he doesn’t work extra hours to get ahead in the company; he doesn’t want to be a supervisor or manager. He is happy with his current position so why work the extra hours was my point. I too have a good job that keeps me busy each day. And no I will not be looking into a hobby or learning a new skill outside work as this would be yet another thing we are doing separately when we should be spending time together not apart. My ‘anxiety’ (though I don’t think this is a strong enough word) comes from his lies and that we aren’t spending this time he is away together each night. He seems to be splitting his time between the two of us each day. Why am I required to share him and what makes her anywhere equal to me, his wife of 35 years? I believe she is the same nationality as he is. This means that there is no way for me to give him what she can. That is, I can’t talk about the plight of their heritage, how difficult it is for contract workers to get and keep a job here, how hard life was/is in their home country etc. He seems to be talking a lot about this lately when he never really discussed it before (he came to Canada when he was a child so he used to say that he is more of a Canadian than a Filipino).

**To Eliza10: ** The problem is that I do know what I would do if I found out for sure. That’s what scares me. At that moment in time I found out definitively that the husband I literally spent most of my life loving and trusting has made a conscious decision to spend time with another woman instead of me, it would break me to the point that I would not be able to talk to him or look at his face again. I know I would tell him how much I love him, how very disappointed I am in him then say goodbye - no discussion. He would literally never see me again as I would leave the city immediately, not being able to handle what’s in front of me. I know this is how I would react.

The latest: I now believe that this woman works in the same shopping mall as my husband (at one of the food places in the food court) so not only does he spend an hour or two at night with her but they see each other and talk on the phone throughout the day as well.

 

[1990Domer]

OP,

You seemed to have found out nearly all the information you were looking for. Did you ask around to find out what was going on? Are you reasonably sure of this information.

I support you in that your DH’s time needs to be committee to you with the #1 commitment of making the marriage work. This would mean his evenings need to be at home spent with you.

I feel sad if this truly is the case. I will pray for your strength and your marriage.

God bless.

 

[Rose71]

Ah! Please accept my apologies. I’ve just looked back in the thread and I mis-read your post on January 2nd about your previous work.

Please don’t think I am trying to trivialise what you are going through by refering to it as ‘anxiety’. Anxiety is a recognised condition and it’s also recognised by doctors and psychologists as being a potentially very damaging and serious.

You are in my prayers and I wish you a happy and peaceful outcome.

 

[Eliza10]

**To Eliza10: ** The problem is that I do know what I would do if I found out for sure. …

The latest: … they see each other and talk on the phone throughout the day as well…

Wow, Pellehchim, this would scare me, too. And I don’t know what I would do, either.

Proof would help, so that you do not waste valuable energy with his vehemently denying being involved in any such thing, when he is, on top of continuing the obviously suspicious behaviors. For that, I see a few choices:

• the GPS tracker thing
• hiring a private detective to get some pics (and maybe it will not be all that much money, considering you know plenty of details and localities already so he/she woudl not have to start from scratch. You could call and make inquiries for prices and have that for consideration. Some might give a free consult, which would help you decide.
• engage a clandestinely-minded trusted friend (with a cell-ph.camera) that he does not know, to check out the mall activity. If you have such a person available to you!

Another thing that might be helpful for proof is educating yourself on signs someone is lying. My friend’s husband - most of the time - cannot look her directly in the eye when he lies - unless it is a prepared lie - then he does quite well with it! But if its an info-seeking question and he is not prepared to be asked it, and she is looking him in the eye, expecting his full attention and he is off-guard, he cannot look her in the eye and lie. There is also that unprepared liars often look up left when making up a new lie and down left when recalling a rehearsed one, (vs. the same for truth-telling, to the right). (Such info makes TV interviews with politicians interesting). Just Google the topic.

At any rate, from what you have said so far, it looks like it would only confirm what you have already deduced.

I know there is wisdom out there from those who have been there. Like telling him you know he is lying and what you will if he does not cut it off. Or maybe its better not to tell him that. I don’t know.

I have been in this situation once, but it was somewhat different. Even though I knew my ex was incapable of marital love I was fully committed to my vows forever and with all his shortcomings I counted it as blessing that he would always be faithful - it was a real important value to him! It was the *one *thing I could count on him for! It was a “sure” sense of security for me, that.

So imagine my shock and surprise when I stumbled on huge batch of emails to a girlfriend. Yes, stumbled, because i was not nosy, but a computer screen was up with an unrecognizable email box - we shared email. His work email - and there were tons and tons and tons of emails from/to this girl, so I read some. Ex must have been flirting, I thought - it had happened before - and I would read and find out what was on his mind, since all my efforts to be a good friend, be approachable, be kind, were not getting him to talk to me. So, reading, I could understand him better, and work to improve things with us. Well, SHE was on his mind, and I was in TOTAL SHOCK when I read that those weekends I thought he was at workshops for work and conventions, he was in motels with her. I truly never considered it. (It seemed virtuous to me to trust him. So I did. Well, that was foolish.)

Unlike you, in my case, because of the long distance, much of my ex’s affair was in email, so, I could now read the whole entire affair, from beginning suggestive flirting to the inglorious present and its plans for the future. Including all their reminisces about what they did on those weekends. So the whole thing was open to me, no questions to ask, no info to seek, like you. Instead, it was all there. I had a tendency to positive-think a thing, and God knew I would need ALL the info to make the wise decision, because I would have filled in the blanks with positive, hopeful scenarios. So I got ALL the info, because I needed to act. As to future - in those emails were his plans to secretly surprise me with divorce papers and that he was going to declare me crazy and take our child (that he spent little time with!) to live with her in her state! It was so shocking I truly did go in a state of shock and stay in it for the next few months.

I sort of feel that’s where you are now, in a state of shock. That’s why counseling might really help you plan. But you have to find a good one, because wasting your time and money and HOPE on a bad one would be horrible for you right now. The Popcak one I told you about is good, I know they won’t waste your money or time, and will give you good advice. You’ll need practical advice, too, and they will help you with that. Then you will develop a priorities and a plan. Without that, as you are now, I think the anxiety could really make you sick.

For me, with all this info, the choices were clear. I had to hire a lawyer immediately to protect my child, and I went to see a pious priest, who advised me to take the lawyer’s advice in my situation.

So my situation is different, and I don’t feel I have the experience to advise you like some might who have been closer to your situation. I do think that the big unknown void of what you will do/where you will go/ how you will live if you find he is cheating is killing you. You need relief, and wise advice to help you think it through is needed.

Also going before the Blessed Sacrament is going to help you so much! Commit to spend an hour there, telling Him about it, listening for Him, being with Him, putting it in His hands, asking for wisdom and advice. An option if it makes you feel more comfortable is to sit there for an hour and write out all your concerns to Him. Because you will receive the Peace of God that passes all understanding - and you need the *peace that makes no sense *in this situation!

 

[1990Domer]

Does anyone recommend that the OP secure assets for herself? Also, my apologies for this darn autocorrect and what seems like auto memory for previously used words.

My heart goes out to everyone who has been through this.

 

[jtauke]

Well, if you’re not already on the road to divorce, bugging your husbands car with a GPS tracker is a quick way make that a reality.

I mean honestly, you do that, and your wrong (and the husband finds out). It’s over.

That kind of suspicious lack of trust has no place in a marriage.