My husband loves another woman and can't choose

[underacloud]

EasterJoy, I think we are in agreement.

 

[cheezey]

**…Before you do anything, get some professional advice. Please speak to your priest, a lawyer, and also to a counselor if possible.
**
My prayers are with you.

:console:

Yes. Quietly, also.

You *absolutely *need to talk with at least a few other people about this, after God, of course. First: a good priest and a good lawyer (get recommendations, don’t pick someone iut of the phone book!!!). Then you need personal counsel. Tell at least your best friend if at all possible, or a sister–someone you feel very close to. A counselor might also be a very good idea.

What I am writing is simply suggestions, what I’d tell a friend in these circumstances, totally as a friend, because aside from being to you only a random stranger on the internet, I am not a professional anything.

Then you need a plan. First, as mentioned above, you need to decide what you want. Do you want to try to preserve your marriage? (Put a time limit on this, like 2 to 6 months.) Or maybe you don’t.

If you do, I would sweep any bitterness out of me and start really living my life *not *around my husband and his current craziness. I would fix up the house and fix up myself. Change my hair, change my clothes if only by wearing them with different accessories. Mix it up. Get involved in a couple of things outside the home: stuff you haven’t had time for. If your children are old enough to stay home on their own, join a women’s book club or something similar one evening a week. Basically ignore your husband, and see what he does.

If he doesn’t react in 2-4 weeks, start seeing the lawyer, etc., **without telling your husband, **and sort out precisely what will happen when the time is up.

If after the time you have decided on he is still involved with the woman, then explain to him that you can no longer live like this and he must go. Do whatever the lawyer tells you to do to effect this. You will have to be tough and not discuss it with your husband. Tell him he can discuss it with your lawyer but you are finished.

You will also have to consider how to tell your children, and how much to tell them, and a lot of other practicalities, which is why you need to discuss this with so many people: the priest, for spiritual support; the lawyer, so you don’t get taken to the cleaners; the friend for advice and support through this; and a counselor if needed.

If you just want him out right away, talk to your “team” and speed up the timeline, but **get all your ducks in a row before you do anything. **

There are lots of other alternatives. You can ask him to go to counseling with you (during which time you will continue to set everything up in case all he’s doing is stringing you along). You can decide you don’t want to break up the family and continue on the outside like a married couple and turn a blind eye to the affair. Etc.

But right now, he’s got the best of both worlds: he has his affair for fun and a wife taking care of him at home. Why should he choose? There seem to be no repercussions for not-choosing, no downside to letting things continue in this way.

Annie

…

To clarify: What I mean to say is that
a) she ought to accept that if he would cheat on her and talk about his “choice” as he has been, she needs to accept that he might leave her without notice and take as much of their common possessions and earning capacity with him as he can when he goes. It does happen, and getting a lawyer sooner rather than later will help her put measures in place that will prevent him from adding that insult to the present injury.
b) if she lawyers up, he may realize that it is going to cost him a lot of money to divorce her, that his sweet wife is not going to lay down and let him do awful things to her, and it might wake him up about the consequences of these “choices” he’s playing around with. I don’t think that getting an attorney is going to drive him into the other woman’s arms. I think doing nothing is more likely to let him dally in that woman’s arms and make him more likely to drift emotionally farther and farther until there is no going back.

Very excellent thoughts on the matter…
I can provide nothing further, I am not as well versed as the others above.
I saw what was coming, packed a bag that he didn’t even notice ( in case I needed to leave quickly, which I did not), a lawyer was questioned first, as well as an accountant, and then I planned for two months before saying a word to anyone. During that time, I carved out my own life. When the time came, everything was in order to proceed and I was lucky to have excellent connections to an attorney.
I am not advocating divorce. But if this becomes your choice, get ready, be prepared.
And either way, start carving out a life that is yours.

God Bless

 

[Catholic1954]

My husband loves another woman (co-worker) and says he can’t choose between us. This has been going on for months and I am emotionally drained. She would call almost daily and they would talk for an hour at a time and not just about work. They would spend til the wee hours of the morning after work talking.They no longer work together but he has no intention of not seeing/talking with her even though he knows it hurts me when he does. He is sharing intimate details of our lives with her and I know they talk about me. I told her she is not welcome to call here anymore and now she is emailing (5x today all with cryptic references about me and about their future together. And all signed I love you. What should I do? After 23 years of marriage I never thought Iwould be in this position. Please help.

Please see a good divorce attorney ASAP and make plans to protect yourself (and any children you may have). By ignoring and disrespecting your feelings and marriage vows, it is clear to me who he has chosen. You deserve better than this.

 

[LongingSoul]

This is classic midlife crisis behaviour and it happens to people who themselves and others least expect such a thing of. He has reverted to a perspective most recognisable in narcissistic teenagers although he probably was one of the good ones who kept his nose clean and conformed back then.

It’s hard to know what to do but its easier to know what not to do. Don’t turn a blind eye. That feeds the the ‘monster’ and you will lose self respect. Don’t move out of the house or rush into ‘lawyering up’ too soon. Be attentive and do not allow him to entertain her in your home either by phone or email. Make that clear to him. Try and direct all this heightened energy you will be experiencing into either walking, jogging, gym or something. Use any spare time you have to de-clutter your life both of physical clutter and any baggage you might be carrying emotionally. Get yourself a good counsellor to support you through this sudden trauma you’ve had thrust on you.

It is times like this that I rely an an oldy but a goody… Psalm 23… "Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me."

God bless.

 

[EasterJoy]

Yes. Quietly, also.



Very excellent thoughts on the matter…
I can provide nothing further, I am not as well versed as the others above.
I saw what was coming, packed a bag that he didn’t even notice ( in case I needed to leave quickly, which I did not), a lawyer was questioned first, as well as an accountant, and then I planned for two months before saying a word to anyone. During that time, I carved out my own life. When the time came, everything was in order to proceed and I was lucky to have excellent connections to an attorney.
I am not advocating divorce. But if this becomes your choice, get ready, be prepared.
And either way, start carving out a life that is yours.

God Bless

My fear for her is that he may be the one with the suitcase, the accountant, and the legal representation lined up. He is not acting like someone who currently ought to be considered trustworthy. Any thoughts of “he would never do that” need to be abandoned, because she doesn’t know what other uncharacteristic thing he might do next. The other thing she should not think is that these are things that can be lined up in an instant.

Maybe he has midlife-crisis insanity, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t a danger to do something very rash and even more damaging and unfair to her and their family than he already has. In an ideal world, she won’t need that, but unfortunately I think the money has to be spent. Too bad, too, because divorce attorneys aren’t cheap. They’re just less costly than needing one and not having one. In these days of no-fault divorce, that can happen to innocent people, too. Even if she is determined to save her marriage and is not willing to file for divorce, she ought to be ready for him to try to leave her and take everything with him that he can.

 

[cheezey]

My fear for her is that he may be the one with the suitcase, the accountant, and the legal representation lined up. He is not acting like someone who currently ought to be considered trustworthy. Any thoughts of “he would never do that” need to be abandoned, because she doesn’t know what other uncharacteristic thing he might do next. The other thing she should not think is that these are things that can be lined up in an instant.

Maybe he has midlife-crisis insanity, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t a danger to do something very rash and even more damaging and unfair to her and their family than he already has. In an ideal world, she won’t need that, but unfortunately I think the money has to be spent. Too bad, too, because divorce attorneys aren’t cheap. They’re just less costly than needing one and not having one. In these days of no-fault divorce, that can happen to innocent people, too.

Agreed. Very much so.

 

[EasterJoy]

EasterJoy, I think we are in agreement.

Unfortunately, yes. I hope he wakes up and turns back to sanity before it is too late. What a tragic shame and a violation of so many years of her trust, if he were to throw away their marriage and family for “what’s behind Door #2”.

 

[horselvr]

" Even if she is determined to save her marriage and is not willing to file for divorce, she ought to be ready for him to try to leave her and take everything with him that he can."

Words to pay attention to.

How very upsetting. My husband flaunted his mistress in my face too to the point she would call the house and he would sit in his easy chair talking with her. The pain was immense.

He has made his choice. Protect yourself. See a lawyer, speak with a Priest, and all this quietly.

 

[styrgwillidar]

Yes. Quietly, also.



Very excellent thoughts on the matter…
I can provide nothing further, I am not as well versed as the others above.
I saw what was coming, packed a bag that he didn’t even notice ( in case I needed to leave quickly, which I did not), a lawyer was questioned first, as well as an accountant, and then I planned for two months before saying a word to anyone. During that time, I carved out my own life. When the time came, everything was in order to proceed and I was lucky to have excellent connections to an attorney.
I am not advocating divorce. But if this becomes your choice, get ready, be prepared.
And either way, start carving out a life that is yours.

God Bless

Solid advice. Again, sit down in a quiet place, pray to the Holy Spirit and try for calm and then rationally analyze the situation. What you know of your husband, his opinion of you, and what he expects your reaction to be. Again, what your goals are in order of priority, act accordingly but plan for the contingencies. Saving your marriage takes both of you, you’ll need to plan for the contingency that he won’t cooperate.

The joker in the deck regarding what he may do is the woman involved, what is she willing to push him to do - financially, custody etc.

He may be trying to force you into making the decision. He’ll tell everyone (including himself) that this was ultimately your choice, not his. Divert a lot of the blame off himself…
He may simply be mentally torturing you.
Trying to elicit some other reaction? Some other response?

I don’t know either of you, but if you’ve listened to his words, if you’ve observed his actions, if you think rationally and pray— it will assist you in laying out a plan to achieve your objectives given what you think his are.

Protip-- do not look at the logical outcomes/consequences of his behavior (alienation from his kids) as collateral damage, or unintended side effects. They can very well be the goal no matter how horrific or undesirable they may appear to be to you. Do not look at things from your perspective of ‘doen’t he realize that this will…’. If it a logical outcome, reaction, or consequence-- it is more than likely intentional and a goal Whatever, your plan should be based on accounting for the logical consequences of his actions. Acting along these lines is why I, as a man, have full physical custody of my kids with no court fight or even mediation fight. She ended up being the one to direct the lawyer/mediator to stipulate the final custody agreement.

You could consider whether he’s depressed or not- ‘Depression Fallout’ by Anne Sheffield is a good book as a starting point, as well as her website depressionfallout.org. No idea whether that’s involved or not, but it’s another perspective to consider.

 

[gh4]

I didn’t read all the way through this thread, so if this is a repeat of what someone else has said, not intentional.

It seems to me that your husband has made his choice, but he’s trying to get you to be the “bad guy” and leave him. Why? That will look better for him in court if he can say you left him. The person who leaves the marriage usually gets less consideration in divorce proceedings.

Get an attorney. And document, document and document some more. Names, dates, times etc. and so forth. If you never need them, you can eventually pitch, but if you don’t document and you need it, you won’t have it unless you make the effort to keep records.

 

[EasterJoy]

…It seems to me that your husband has made his choice, but he’s trying to get you to be the “bad guy” and leave him…

It is just as likely that he doesn’t want to leave his wife and family but he’s become too enamored of the flattering situation of having this other new and exciting woman pursuing him to let go of it.

IOW, he is probably just being a d&$n fool. The problem is, sometimes these fools file for no-fault divorce. I say this because I know one of them who told me after the fact that he realized what a fool he’d been.

 

[Serap]

Sounds to me like this man believes he is in love with his mistress. If he believes he is in love…his perception is his reality.

This mistress also believes that she’s in love with the husband.

As an outsider looking in…these two believe that they are in love and victims of meeting the right person at the wrong time. They believe that they are right for eachother.

Men are often afraid of initiating major change, so I believe that subconsciously, he is waiting for his wife to make it easier for him and leave. He wants an easy way out.

So if said wife leaves, husband and mistress can now have an open and “meaningful relationship”.

2 things will happen…he will miss his wife and realize that he’s no really in love…

OR he will realize that his love for his mistress is real and just wait for wife to deliver divorce papers.

 

[LongingSoul]

The trickiest aspect of this scenario is being aware and clear enough of what’s going on to discern carefully every step you take. As Easterjoy said, many of these men (and women) that have lived long faithful marriages and suddenly have midlife madness, ‘wake up’ realising the foolishness of it all. The spouse has to somehow find a way to hold it together, being firm about her boundaries and expectations and temperate with the inevitable sadness and anger that will rise up alternately. Even in the midst of these intense infatuations, people are able to see red flags regarding the potential new partner. The best hope is that they can be rational enough to weigh the pros with the cons (even though in reality the cons are normally immense).

The stable spouse needs to use this time to clear away any baggage and find an inner strength. I know many people come to counselling at this very point and its a perfect step because you do need the support to handle the craziness of it all anyway. Many people also find a renewed faith and appreciation for the sacraments at this time.

 

[LokisMom]

Tell him that if he doesn’t stop all contact with this woman, you will pursue a divorce. Honestly, it might be what he wants you to do anyway so he can be with her without having to man up and break things off with you.

 

[Serap]

Tell him that if he doesn’t stop all contact with this woman, you will pursue a divorce. Honestly, it might be what he wants you to do anyway so he can be with her without having to man up and break things off with you.

I too share your perspective.

Before jumping into a divorce. She should kick him out…and then see how he does on his own.

IF he comes back, then it’s on wife’s terms and he’ll have to deal with the consequences of his actions. She may not want him back once she gets her dignity back. It’s amazing how women turn their lives around only to realize that they are better off separated.

 

[LongingSoul]

I too share your perspective.

Before jumping into a divorce. She should kick him out…and then see how he does on his own.

IF he comes back, then it’s on wife’s terms and he’ll have to deal with the consequences of his actions. She may not want him back once she gets her dignity back. It’s amazing how women turn their lives around only to realize that they are better off separated.

If it has already progressed to sex, I would agree with you both also.

 

[EasterJoy]

I too share your perspective.

Before jumping into a divorce. She should kick him out…and then see how he does on his own.

IF he comes back, then it’s on wife’s terms and he’ll have to deal with the consequences of his actions. She may not want him back once she gets her dignity back. It’s amazing how women turn their lives around only to realize that they are better off separated.

She needs to kick him somewhere, because women who are “understanding” about adultery of thought or action are not rewarded for their generosity with either loyalty or respect. They get walked on like doormats. Were that it were not so, but alas, it is so. Reserve generosity for the repentant and the contrite. The brazen deserve fire and brimstone.

If your wife asks you if you love another woman and your answer isn’t “No” or “It wouldn’t matter if I did, because I am married to you,” instead of “yes” or “maybe” or any other waffle kind of answer, then you–you clueless man!–need to be put on notice that “I can’t decide if I love you” does not cut the mustard.

Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned
Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned
William Congreve, The Mourning Bride (1697)

Or there is also Loretta Lynn, who did manage to hang on to her wayward husband:

*You’ve come to tell me something you say I ought to know
That he don’t love me anymore and I’ll have to let him go
You say you’re gonna take him oh but I don’t think you can
Cause you ain’t woman enough to take my man

Women like you they’re a dime a dozen you can buy 'em anywhere
For you to get to him I’d have to move over and I’m gonna stand right here
It’ll be over my dead body so get out while you can
Cause you ain’t woman enough to take my man

Sometimes a man start lookin’ at things that he don’t need
He took a second look at you but he’s in love with me
Well I don’t know where they leave you oh but I know where I’ll stand
And you ain’t woman enough to take my man

Women like you they’re a dime a dozen you can buy 'em anywhere
For you to get to him I’d have to move over and I’m gonna stand right here
It’ll be over my dead body so get out while you can
No you ain’t woman enough to take my man*

Listen to Loretta, and don’t take this lying down.
Kick him out? Don’t let him off so easily, not unless you want to kick him out for good.

 

[minnei]

I am overwhelmed at the responses to my post. Thank you for all of the caring and supportive messages. Besides one dear friend I haven’t shared this with anyone. This has been so difficult as it totally blindsided me and knocked my confidence to about zero. My husband was such a strong Christian with a doctorate in ministry and he was even a pastor at one time. He always spoke the truth but now what he says is not only untruth but it’s also unbiblical. Besides it doesn’t even make sense. I went and prayed at the Eucharistic chapel for several hours asking for guidance. I know I have let this go on too long and I need to set a strong boundary–your choice -cease all communication with her and stay and rebuild or pursue her and move out. Im trembling just writing it! And what if he doesn’t leave? He ignored my other ultimatum even making me feel guilty for telling him to choose between me and her. And since I told her not to call the house, he’s been sleeping and drinking. Yeah, that doesn’t make me feel bad. Right. I guess I seem pretty stupid especially since he replied to her emails this morning telling her he misses her and loves her. Please continue to pray for me as I have been asking God for courage to do the right thing with the right motive at the right time. I give God thanks for all of you who have helped me see that I’m not wrong ( he has never admitted that what he’s doing is wrong). I’ve been plagued with self-doubt and you have helped a lot.God bless you. PS. we have no children.

 

[cheezey]

I am praying for you, dear one…

 

[WilT]

I am overwhelmed at the responses to my post…I give God thanks for all of you who have helped me see that I’m not wrong ( he has never admitted that what he’s doing is wrong). I’ve been plagued with self-doubt and you have helped a lot.God bless you. PS. we have no children.

You are welcomed. Keep on top of it. Be strong not weak. Be serious not unsure then remind him of his oath on your wedding day. Keep praying before the Blessed Sacrament. Your presence before HIM overwhelms HIM. He loves and cares for you especially during these tragic times for you.