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Zzyzx_Road
Guest
I pray for the OP’s children and I hope for their sake that this husband can get his head back on straight.
- Status
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underacloud
Guest
No children. Just pray for the OP (especially) and her husband.
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EasterJoy
Guest
Get some support to help you stand your ground. He has already chosen you over her, because when he was asked if he promised “to be true to her in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, to love her and to honor her all the days of your life?” **he said “I do.” **He literally promised that in front of you, in front of God, and in front of the Church. When he chose you, he promised you that he would forsake all others for as long as you lived. The question is whether or not he is going to have the integrity to do that. Now he’s trying to tell you that you ought to feel guilty because he’s entertaining the idea of going back on his promise. No! You are trying to get him to do the right thing, and in doing so you are trying to get him to return to the good he has been doing for over 20 years. You are doing him a good turn, and your duty as his wife, too: “My brothers, if anyone among you should stray from the truth and someone bring him back, he should know that whoever brings back a sinner from the error of his way will save his soul from death and will cover a multitude of sins.” James 5:19-20 If you act so as to turn your husband from his adultery, it will be gemstones in your crown in Heaven, a sacrifice pleasing to the Lord, because your husband is not just committing an offense against his promise to you. He is committing an offense against a promise he made to God. As for his friend, she may be a saint in every other way, but she is treating you as King David treated Uriah. She is willing to sacrifice your life in order to satisfy her lust to have your husband for herself, even though there are many men in the world in need of a woman to love them. If you are the Prophet Nathan to your husband and this woman, you are not doing them a wrong. You are turning them from a grave sin.
Your husband is lying to himself, lying to God, and lying to you, all to please a woman who knows very well that she is trying to steal a married man away from his vows. They are both committing very serious sins against marriage. The next time he tries to make you feel guilty, suggest to him that he take it to his confessor, and see whether you’ve committed any sin by telling them this must stop at once.
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EasterJoy
Guest
Ask the Holy Spirit to be your strength, OP, to put the words for your husband into your mouth. Do your best to be faithful to God, then leave success or failure up to Him.
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Serap
Guest
This woman is a piece of work!!! Who does that???
You really have nothing to lose by kicking him out. Why should you leave??? You haven’t done anything wrong.
Kick him out! Tell him not to come home and see how he fares.
Don’t kid yourself either…this man has told this woman that he’s not in love with you anymore. She wouldn’t be so confident and hopeful otherwise.
She sees herself as a victim of circumstance…that she needs to save her love from a bad marriage.
You really have nothing to lose by kicking him out. Why should you leave??? You haven’t done anything wrong.
Kick him out! Tell him not to come home and see how he fares.
Don’t kid yourself either…this man has told this woman that he’s not in love with you anymore. She wouldn’t be so confident and hopeful otherwise.
She sees herself as a victim of circumstance…that she needs to save her love from a bad marriage.
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LokisMom
Guest
Yeah, kick him out. Don’t stand for that.
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UbiCaritas
Guest
I am so sorry for all you’re going through.
I haven’t anything else to offer since you’ve gotten such good advice upthread except this: if he’s sleeping with her, or if you think there’s a possibility that he is, please a) get yourself tested for STDs, and make appointments for any follow-up testing you might need and b) tell him you will not sleep with him until he stops sleeping with her and tests clean himself for whatever the standard period of time is for those tests. There are some pretty nasty STDs out there which can do bad things to your health, reproductive and otherwise. Please take care of yourself.
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Serap
Guest
I have had women like this confide in me…they say that they met the right person and that he’s married to a mean wife.
they act like this man (whom they claim to love) needs to be saved from their bad marriage…they think the man is the victim and that she is there to save him.
these women buy the lies…hook line and sinker…
“I don’t make love to my wife anymore.” - biggest lie of them all!!!
“My wife doesn’t understand me like you do.”
“My wife is distant and cold.”
“I haven’t left her b/c I’m afraid of hurting her.”
“I don’t love her anymore.”
“We have to keep it a low profile for a while until my wife calms down. She’s acting very irrational again.”
“I am planning on leaving my wife once I have my finances sorted out.”
they act like this man (whom they claim to love) needs to be saved from their bad marriage…they think the man is the victim and that she is there to save him.
these women buy the lies…hook line and sinker…
“I don’t make love to my wife anymore.” - biggest lie of them all!!!
“My wife doesn’t understand me like you do.”
“My wife is distant and cold.”
“I haven’t left her b/c I’m afraid of hurting her.”
“I don’t love her anymore.”
“We have to keep it a low profile for a while until my wife calms down. She’s acting very irrational again.”
“I am planning on leaving my wife once I have my finances sorted out.”
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EasterJoy
Guest
If he has engaged in infidelity, she has the right to separate with the bond remaining–she can kick him out. If she does, though, it ought to be because she is fully prepared to not let him back in or to never have him ask to come back. Otherwise, he’ll just think that every time he goes to have an affair, he gets a private apartment from which to conduct his infidelities, a free place to have meetings with his lover, and something to feel sorry for himself about.
If she wants to keep him, I would not give him “room to think” or pay rent on a place for doing something stupid. I’d keep him more under house arrest, because he ought to feel he’s in the dog house, not that “his marriage is unfortunately falling apart” or that he is the victim of some force of nature. She has the right to say, “I expect you to cut this out,” too, after all. They have exchanged vows, and he has promised her not to do stuff like this. He needs to answer the question: When you make promises for life, do you keep them or not? Are you to be trusted, or do you just do what you’ll say until you feel like doing something else? What kind of man are you? That is what you need to decide, Buster, not whether you fancy some other woman more than you fancy me. Otherwise, Heaven help whatever women find themselves stuck with you.**
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Serap
Guest
problem is though…the husband is blatantly not respecting his wife. Now he’s emailing his mistress and I don’t believe for a second that he’s not still seeing her in person.
wife needs to put some hot fire under his butt. what leverage does she have left?
wife should ask him outright if he has ever kissed her, etc. and watch his facial expressions and body language as he’s answering her.
If he looks away for one second, he’s lying to his wife. If he crosses his arms, he’s hiding something. If he becomes overly defensive, he has something to hide.
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EasterJoy
Guest
Yep. What she mostly needs to do is to reject all objections that she doesn’t have the standing to interrogate him. He is in the wrong. All this “maybe I love someone else but I still love you” stuff is total BS. If we have a marriage, you stay, period, no matter who else is trying to get you to stray. If I’m making life total hell for you, then we talk and try to work it out, and THEN if it turns out our marriage won’t work you might be able to leave and THEN AND ONLY if there is a decree of nullity, you can look around and see if there is someone free to marry that you’d like to fall in love with.
No decree of nullity, no freedom to go find someone new. Period. One woman at a time, Romeo, and I’m no Rosaline. I am your wife, your Juliet. Be faithful, or be treacherous, a betrayer of trust.** Those are your two options**.
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LongingSoul
Guest
minnei, have you asked him to see a counsellor to help him sort himself out. Even tell him that he needs help to make a decision about which way to jump if that gets him there. He needs to be actively doing something to find clarity before drink become a habit that is hard to break.
I would also suggest that you see a counsellor for yourself. You really do need to have strong reassurance about your legitimate boundaries and expectations so that he is not the only voice telling you what is normal or his right.
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TriciaF
Guest
Should you consult a lawyer about your future? Just so you know if things suddenly break. If they’re as connected as they appear has he already emotionally made his choice and is just waiting for something to happen. You to leave so he has the advantage? He knows you know about all the emails? He’s not successfully hiding them, anyway. If he does, that seems a little cold-blooded, I think.
Anyway as an informed Christian, even if he doesn’t admit it, he knows what’s right and wrong. You say he’s depressed and drinking, so he needs help and prayer, to set his conscience and life right and return to good Christian living.
God grant it, and genuine healing for you both. If God touches his soul and mind to return to good Christian values, please God you will have the grace to forgive and to rebuild with him.
I hope he comes soon to realize that as the woman is insensitive, disrespecting and callous enough to do the phoning and emailing to a married man in an emotional affair if not more, then she’s probably no great prize as a future partner or wife. It’s strange that many people don’t realize that if a person acts so badly in a self-oriented affair, they’'re not likely to make a wonderful future partner. They’ve already proved lack of decency and moral fiber. Do they really think they will be happy for long?
Anyway as an informed Christian, even if he doesn’t admit it, he knows what’s right and wrong. You say he’s depressed and drinking, so he needs help and prayer, to set his conscience and life right and return to good Christian living.
God grant it, and genuine healing for you both. If God touches his soul and mind to return to good Christian values, please God you will have the grace to forgive and to rebuild with him.
I hope he comes soon to realize that as the woman is insensitive, disrespecting and callous enough to do the phoning and emailing to a married man in an emotional affair if not more, then she’s probably no great prize as a future partner or wife. It’s strange that many people don’t realize that if a person acts so badly in a self-oriented affair, they’'re not likely to make a wonderful future partner. They’ve already proved lack of decency and moral fiber. Do they really think they will be happy for long?
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minnei
Guest
We have been to a Christian counselor several times. The counselors focus was if our marriage was in better shape the problem would go away. It seems a bit naive and I was disappointed that he skirted the issue in our joint sessions. In our one to one he told me that he did not believe they would be successful after their “honeymoon” period especially given that she has been married three times before. But why not address it in our joint sessions?Maybe because my husband was never totally honest about the depth of their relationship (as far as I know it’s still just an emotional affair but what do I know). So to me counseling would not be successful until all the cards were on the table and “she” was addressed. Of course my husband still can’t understand why I would make it all about her. After all none of this is her fault. You can’t believe how tired I am of him defending her!
I am amazed at how many of your responses are so accurate --down to the very words and excuses and justifications and rationalizations he has used.
I finally talked to my brother today and told him what was going on. He was very supportive.
I hope all my ranting is not wearing you all out–it does help to let it all out.
I am amazed at how many of your responses are so accurate --down to the very words and excuses and justifications and rationalizations he has used.
I finally talked to my brother today and told him what was going on. He was very supportive.
I hope all my ranting is not wearing you all out–it does help to let it all out.
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UbiCaritas
Guest
You’re safe here, and are welcome to rant away.
I’m glad you talked to your brother, though; talking to a few safe people in real life will probably offer you even more peace than talking to us invisible Internet people. 
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LongingSoul
Guest
Yes, I’m so glad you’ve opened up to your brother. You sounded so disoriented by your situation you didn’t know up or down anymore. You need to get reoriented and start plowing forward with a plan.
God bless.
God bless.
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Serap
Guest
Keep ranting
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WilT
Guest
As good traditional Catholics we are called to protect marriage as much as we can. My humble advice stands to work it out with him (being he is not a notorious philanderer). At the moment he may be not rationalizing things well. Help him see what he is and how he is destroying his marriage and your future together. Remind him that it is a passing thing and that he has a lot at steak to lose. My prayers remain with you. Pax
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mommy_k
Guest
I would think this falls into the category of emotional abuse as well. The church does not want anyone to be abused.
Don’t give him upper hand by telling him anything, just quietly see a lawyer, and follow the advice- and perhaps have a seperation.
He has crossed the line and needs to be accountable for his actions.
It is not a sin to protect yourself. It is not a sin to notice and act when someone uses religion against you to keep you captive in an abusive situation.
Don’t give him upper hand by telling him anything, just quietly see a lawyer, and follow the advice- and perhaps have a seperation.
He has crossed the line and needs to be accountable for his actions.
It is not a sin to protect yourself. It is not a sin to notice and act when someone uses religion against you to keep you captive in an abusive situation.
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TriciaF
Guest
Don’t worry about ‘wearing anyone out’. Sometimes a person needs to talk things out. We’re a community, a faith family, so our concern for your situation and well-being is genuine as are our prayers for the souls of all involved
It’s good you’ve sought your brother’s support.
Of course she shares fault. You husband isn’t seeing this clearly.
She’s been phoning and emailing someone else’s husband in a ‘romantic relationship’ capacity. Her behavior, like your husband’s has been adulterous, whether of an emotional or physical nature.
Your trust, an important ingredient for marriage, has been trampled in the dust as is your status as a loved and cherished wife.
Anyway, may God send His Spirit with healing and wisdom into the whole situation,
- Status