My husband loves another woman and can't choose

[MacQ]

I am overwhelmed at the responses to my post. Thank you for all of the caring and supportive messages. Besides one dear friend I haven’t shared this with anyone. This has been so difficult as it totally blindsided me and knocked my confidence to about zero. My husband was such a strong Christian with a doctorate in ministry and he was even a pastor at one time. He always spoke the truth but now what he says is not only untruth but it’s also unbiblical. Besides it doesn’t even make sense. I went and prayed at the Eucharistic chapel for several hours asking for guidance. I know I have let this go on too long and I need to set a strong boundary–your choice -cease all communication with her and stay and rebuild or pursue her and move out. Im trembling just writing it! And what if he doesn’t leave? He ignored my other ultimatum even making me feel guilty for telling him to choose between me and her. And since I told her not to call the house, he’s been sleeping and drinking. Yeah, that doesn’t make me feel bad. Right. I guess I seem pretty stupid especially since he replied to her emails this morning telling her he misses her and loves her. Please continue to pray for me as I have been asking God for courage to do the right thing with the right motive at the right time. I give God thanks for all of you who have helped me see that I’m not wrong ( he has never admitted that what he’s doing is wrong). I’ve been plagued with self-doubt and you have helped a lot.God bless you. PS. we have no children.

Minnei…your good nature is being severely abused by your husband and this brazen woman. Right now, you’re tolerating it. Pretty soon, you’ll be justifying their behavior and blaming yourself.

• Do not answer the phone when she calls.
• Do not engage in any conversation with her at all.
• Don’t make any threat you aren’t absolutely sure you can carry out.

That said, you need to take some action in order not to become so debilitated by this that you are an abused woman with stockholm syndrome and lose your sense of reality:
It’s gone on too long already.
What action?
I think right now, you have 2 choices: Leave or tell him you want him to leave.
(Personally, I’d be the one to leave, because that would be within my power to carry out, while ousting him might be more of a hassle)
If you ask him to, be calm about it. Give him a deadline. (no more than 2 weeks), and if he refuses or doesn’t do it, then you leave. On that deadline date.

Yes, do get legal and spiritual advice.
You might consider going to Al-anon, since he’s drinking…you will find others there who have dealt with such things.

I will pray for you.

 

[Aggie414]

Before you do anything, I would consult with a lawyer to know exactly what you can and can’t do in your state.

That said, you said that you weren’t sure he’d accept your ultimatum – well, decide it for him. If he won’t make a decision, make it for him. Change the locks on your home (again, making sure you’re well-within your legal rights!!). Then when he comes home, he cannot get in. I would have his clothing packed for him and in a box on the front porch – covered and protected so nothing is damaged or destroyed. If his mistress is so wonderful, she can take him in – that way you don’t have to listen to their stupid phone calls or deal with her calling your home.

That will either wake him up and make him see what he’s about to throw away or it won’t, but at least you will have taken charge of the situation and I hope that will give you some peace with the situation.

Please be assured of my prayers!!

 

[MacQ]

Before you do anything, I would consult with a lawyer to know exactly what you can and can’t do in your state.

That said, you said that you weren’t sure he’d accept your ultimatum – well, decide it for him. If he won’t make a decision, make it for him. Change the locks on your home (again, making sure you’re well-within your legal rights!!). Then when he comes home, he cannot get in. I would have his clothing packed for him and in a box on the front porch – covered and protected so nothing is damaged or destroyed. If his mistress is so wonderful, she can take him in – that way you don’t have to listen to their stupid phone calls or deal with her calling your home.

That will either wake him up and make him see what he’s about to throw away or it won’t, but at least you will have taken charge of the situation and I hope that will give you some peace with the situation.

Please be assured of my prayers!!

I must have skimmed over the part about an already ignored ultimatum.
I agree…she either has to pack her own bags or his.

 

[CatholicRaven]

I would say to pack his bags, but have one “emergency” bag of your own packed, just in case the situation called for it.

Once again, as others have stated, if she moves out, even temporarily, it could cause her big problems if the situation later comes to divorce.

Therefore, OP, I agree with others that it would be a good idea to quietly consult with an attorney before deciding whether to leave or kick him out. I would not leave without that legal advice, unless the situation became dangerous (such as if he became abusive, especially if the drinking gets worse)–in which case, I’d say contact/go to a women’s shelter and get their advice.

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. Praying for you.

 

[gh4]

Minnei…your good nature is being severely abused by your husband and this brazen woman. Right now, you’re tolerating it. Pretty soon, you’ll be justifying their behavior and blaming yourself.

• Do not answer the phone when she calls.
• Do not engage in any conversation with her at all.
• Don’t make any threat you aren’t absolutely sure you can carry out.

That said, you need to take some action in order not to become so debilitated by this that you are an abused woman with stockholm syndrome and lose your sense of reality:
It’s gone on too long already.
What action?
I think right now, you have 2 choices: Leave or tell him you want him to leave.
(Personally, I’d be the one to leave, because that would be within my power to carry out, while ousting him might be more of a hassle)
If you ask him to, be calm about it. Give him a deadline. (no more than 2 weeks), and if he refuses or doesn’t do it, then you leave. On that deadline date.

Yes, do get legal and spiritual advice.
You might consider going to Al-anon, since he’s drinking…you will find others there who have dealt with such things.

I will pray for you.

I’d say that she SHOULD answer that phone every time it rings, especially if it’s her. She needs to answer and tell that woman that her husband is busy and please don’t call back. ALWAYS use the word husband, maybe it will eventually sink in that he’s married. Don’t argue with her, don’t engage in conversation with her. Just I’m sorry, my husband is not available and please don’t call back, goodbye and hang up.

Don’t leave, make him leave if he wants to not be married to you anymore. If you leave, then he’s going to use that against you. If he continues in seeing this woman, then pack his stuff for him and leave it in the garage for him to pick up that evening. Change the locks before he gets home.
Most men won’t leave one bed (marriage and their wives) until they have another bed (living with girlfriend) to go to. It’s just the way that they are wired. Perhaps he’s not leaving because this other woman has not offered to take him into her home with him.

I think you need to realize just how empowered you can be if you want to be. You haven’t done anything wrong, your husband has, and he needs to mend his ways or man up and take the responsibility for his own actions.

 

[minnei]

I see that I have made it look like this was all my husbands fault. It wasn’t. I being the chiefes t of sinners know that I have failed him in so many ways in our 23 years. Forgive me if I have made it seem one-sided. He’s a good man and I still love him that’s why it hurts so much. Otherwise I would have gladly let him go. Please don’t make him out to be the bad guy when I bear so much of the responsibility. So much that I can’t stand it. Ican no longer bear all this pain. Please pray for my soul. I j u st want to be with Jesus.
Thank you for your c sting and your prayers.

 

[Zcasta]

As horrible as it sounds he obviously does not care about your feelings or needs. You yourself said he has no intention of not seeing her or talking with her and you said he is in LOVE with her!!! Your title post should say my husband loves another woman should I leave him? NOT that he can’t choose! Why are you waiting for him to make the decision for you? It seems like you guys should both talk to a priest and if he doesn’t want to then you should and get his opinion on the situation. If he is making selfish decisions and saying he can’t choose I don’t see why you are waiting around for him to choose because if he in fact does decide to choose you then you guys can’t just go back into your marriage and act like nothing happened, you two are going to have to work through a lot of issues and probably have some counseling.

I hope everything turns out well for you.

 

[Mark121359]

I see that I have made it look like this was all my husbands fault. It wasn’t. I being the chiefes t of sinners know that I have failed him in so many ways in our 23 years. Forgive me if I have made it seem one-sided. He’s a good man and I still love him that’s why it hurts so much. Otherwise I would have gladly let him go. Please don’t make him out to be the bad guy when I bear so much of the responsibility. So much that I can’t stand it. Ican no longer bear all this pain. Please pray for my soul. I j u st want to be with Jesus.
Thank you for your c sting and your prayers.

Minnie, you hang in there. You’re getting good advice on the legal aspects, so I’ve got nothing to add. No one here can condemn your husband. But also know, you certainly don’t deserve this pain and torture that he’s putting you through either. If you can find a good Catholic Priest in your area, he can help you with the tremendous stress you’re enduring, and can give you excellent advice and above all support. Find a Catholic Church in your area that has Eucharistic Adoration and take all of your pains and sufferings to Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament. And lean on Him…real hard! You’re listed as Protestant, ready to be Catholic. This is an excellent time to get to know Mama Mary! She’s perfect for times like this. You’re in my prayers. God love you Minnie, and may God Bless You!

***Peace, Mark ***

 

[EasterJoy]

I see that I have made it look like this was all my husbands fault. It wasn’t. I being the chiefes t of sinners know that I have failed him in so many ways in our 23 years. Forgive me if I have made it seem one-sided. He’s a good man and I still love him that’s why it hurts so much. Otherwise I would have gladly let him go. Please don’t make him out to be the bad guy when I bear so much of the responsibility. So much that I can’t stand it. Ican no longer bear all this pain. Please pray for my soul. I j u st want to be with Jesus.
Thank you for your c sting and your prayers.

No, no, no. You misunderstand. We are not saying that a man who is doing a foolish thing right now may not have been a great husband for 23 years. We’re not saying you have done all your duties as a wife. We’re saying that integrity requires that if he has a problem with you, he bring it to you and work it out with you. If he is tempted by another woman, he resists and remains chaste in thought in action. If you (or you two) find your common conjugal life has some difficulty in it that is so great that you can’t live in peace and especially in safety, you may separate.

Otherwise, however, you each have both the right and the duty to live the common conjugal life, even if you come to wish you’d married someone more satisfying. That is the “better or worse” part. The only one who has the right to sever the common conjugal life over infidelity is the part who did not commit adultery. There are no excuses for giving a woman you are not married to the privileges of a wife, but most particularly if you already have a wife. Even if you are a lousy wife, your husband is still no more free to go find himself a lover than your pastor is!!

Of course you need to be willing to face your faults and make amends for the times you have failed. This would be true if he had never complained at all, though. By all means, you ought to extend him mercy in the recognition that you have not been beyond reproach yourself. That is fine. What you should not ever do is to let the deception stand in either your mind or his that a spouse who is unhappy in marriage has a right to commit adultery. No. Integrity requires that you both stick in there, stay faithful, stay chaste, and not go out seeking romance until you are free to marry the person whose affections you would be toying with by doing that.

Do you not see what your husband is doing? He is treating both you and his mistress in a self-centered way. Maybe she is just as guilty as he is, but she does not deserve to be made a mistress. She deserves the affections of someone who can make her a wife, who if he has an invalid marriage in his past has done the work to get beyond it before he attempts marriage again.

One thing at a time for him, then: First, work on this marriage, the one that integrity demands he attempt to make work with all his might. Then, if this marriage cannot work, investigate whether it was valid and what it was that prevented him from contracting marriage successfully–what he needs to do differently, if he attempts marriage again, and finishing emotional “unfinished business” from this 23 years of attempting marriage with you. Then, AND ONLY IF YOUR MARRIAGE TO HIM HAS BEEN INVALID, can he consider himself free to look for a woman he might validly marry.

 

[EasterJoy]

I will tell you a story that impressed me very much. I met a man, not a Catholic, who was divorced and re-married. He told me that although he loved his second wife, he had come to realize how wrong he had been to divorce his first wife. Why? Because all the same problems in his first marriage came up again in his second marriage, and he still didn’t know the second time around what caused them or what to do about them. He and his second wife went to counselling, they learned how to make their marriage work, and then and only then did he have a happy married life. He realized that he and his first wife could have done the same thing, and spared their children and those who loved them having to take sides, too.

Your husband needs to let his lover go. Why? Because he is not free to marry her. As the old saying goes, after all, when a man leaves his wife to marry his mistress, he creates a job opening. If he wants to give her a marriage, he needs to treat his marriage vows with integrity, and not just until they get hard.

He needs to concentrate on learning what is wrong with your marriage, how it went wrong, what can be done about it, and if nothing can be done about it and your marriage is invalid, then how can he keep from ever letting it happen again in a second marriage. That way, if he gets into a second marriage, he will go in with a free conscience, with improved self-knowledge, and with a far better chance at a marriage that will last for life. More to the point, he will not have toyed with the affections of two women, as if he is the consumer and they are business owners with wares to sell, and not each a woman who deserves the undivided love of her husband.

If nothing else, try to convince him to do that.

 

[MacQ]

I see that I have made it look like this was all my husbands fault. It wasn’t. I being the chiefes t of sinners know that I have failed him in so many ways in our 23 years. Forgive me if I have made it seem one-sided. He’s a good man and I still love him that’s why it hurts so much. Otherwise I would have gladly let him go. Please don’t make him out to be the bad guy when I bear so much of the responsibility. So much that I can’t stand it. Ican no longer bear all this pain. Please pray for my soul. I j u st want to be with Jesus.
Thank you for your c sting and your prayers.

Minnei:
This is not your fault.
I find this post alarming…because when a victim of abuse starts trying to rationalize the abuser’s behavior, that’s a bad sign. And when the victim starts blaming herself, it’s an even worse sign.
He may be a “good” man, but he is seriously mistreating you in a most flagrant manner.
Which is abuse. Emotional abuse is every bit as bad as physical abuse.

Do you have friends or family you can confide in or derive support from?
Whether or not, please seek out counseling (and please go to Alanon. It’s free.)
I am concerned for you and praying for you.

You are in the midst of a lot of pain, and trust me…you’re not thinking straight right now, and that’s not your fault either. You will get through this. But please get some support to help you do it. You need some space between you and the situation to get your perspective back, and you need it NOW.
For your own sake, get out and away. The legal aspects people are so focused on don’t matter right now and will sort themselves out. What matters right now is that you get your feet on solid ground so you can recover your perspective and make wise decisions.
Leave.

 

[EasterJoy]

Minnei:
This is not your fault.
I find this post alarming…because when a victim of abuse starts trying to rationalize the abuser’s behavior, that’s a bad sign. And when the victim starts blaming herself, it’s an even worse sign.
He may be a “good” man, but he is seriously mistreating you in a most flagrant manner.
Which is abuse. Emotional abuse is every bit as bad as physical abuse.

Do you have friends or family you can confide in or derive support from?
Whether or not, please seek out counseling (and please go to Alanon. It’s free.)
I am concerned for you and praying for you.

You are in the midst of a lot of pain, and trust me…you’re not thinking straight right now, and that’s not your fault either. You will get through this. But please get some support to help you do it. You need some space between you and the situation to get your perspective back, and you need it NOW.
For your own sake, get out and away. The legal aspects people are so focused on don’t matter right now and will sort themselves out. What matters right now is that you get your feet on solid ground so you can recover your perspective and make wise decisions.
Leave.

Not every guy who strays is a serial adulterer who blames her for his sins. It is the most likely that this fellow has been a good husband for a long time and yet has fallen into the self-deceit that the greatest good in his life allows him to choose between his wife and some other woman as he chooses. If she doesn’t want to throw him out, she can instead insist that he throw the other woman out, and not let up on him until he does.

Remember that even King David let his lust get the better of him. This is a sin that some have fallen to after decades of fidelity to their marriage. This fellow needs to hear the voice of a Prophet Nathan, someone putting his or her foot down and reminding him that failing to be the particular object of today’s lust is no sin in a wife and no excuse for adultery by a husband. As for the rest of their problems, those aren’t all nothing because he’s doing this, but they won’t be solved by his doing this, either. He needs to stop what he is doing and get back to the work of repairing the marriage he has (by his wife’s account) been faithful to for many years.

BTW, if she decides to severe the common conjugal life (as is her right according to canon law, if he has committed physical adultery), then she ought to severe it according to the advice of an attorney. When integrity is lacking in one area, don’t look for it to be holding firm elsewhere. How she decides to severe the common conjugal life is unfortunately important in how justly the courts will handle their difficulties. She needs advice in what her options are in that area right away, because this is one area where angels and common sense do not always hold sway. Strategy can be as important as actually having the more just argument. I wish it were otherwise. It will cost her several hundred dollars, but she ought to get advice on the legal side of her unfortunate situation, lest she unwittingly make it attractive for him to do something even more rash than he has.

 

[MacQ]

Not every guy who strays is a serial adulterer who blames her for his sins. It is the most likely that this fellow has been a good husband for a long time and yet has fallen into the self-deceit that the greatest good in his life allows him to choose between his wife and some other woman as he chooses. If she doesn’t want to throw him out, she can instead insist that he throw the other woman out, and not let up on him until he does.

Remember that even King David let his lust get the better of him. This is a sin that some have fallen to after decades of fidelity to their marriage. This fellow needs to hear the voice of a Prophet Nathan, someone putting his or her foot down and reminding him that failing to be the particular object of today’s lust is no sin in a wife and no excuse for adultery by a husband. As for the rest of their problems, those aren’t all nothing because he’s doing this, but they won’t be solved by his doing this, either. He needs to stop what he is doing and get back to the work of repairing the marriage he has (by his wife’s account) been faithful to for many years.

BTW, if she decides to severe the common conjugal life (as is her right according to canon law, if he has committed physical adultery), then she ought to severe it according to the advice of an attorney. When integrity is lacking in one area, don’t look for it to be holding firm elsewhere. How she decides to severe the common conjugal life is unfortunately important in how justly the courts will handle their difficulties. She needs advice in what her options are in that area right away, because this is one area where angels and common sense do not always hold sway. Strategy can be as important as actually having the more just argument. I wish it were otherwise. It will cost her several hundred dollars, but she ought to get advice on the legal side of her unfortunate situation, lest she unwittingly make it attractive for him to do something even more rash than he has.

Sorry, but we perceive this situation differently.
A good man struggling with infidelity doesn’t expose his wife to his mistresses phone calls and emails and treat her the way this guy is.
My concern is not for how much money she’ll get in a divorce, but for her mental state, and the very real path she is on to something akin to Stockholm syndrome (rationalizing and putting the blame on herself for this). Pretty soon she’ll have set herself up for an escalation of what is clearly already abuse.

You can talk all you want about what “he needs to hear”, but something tells me in his present state ( laying around drinking) he’s not really receptive to diatribes about what the prophet Nathan had to say. Some things aren’t solved by hitting on just the right thing to say.

 

[gh4]

I see that I have made it look like this was all my husbands fault. It wasn’t. I being the chiefes t of sinners know that I have failed him in so many ways in our 23 years. Forgive me if I have made it seem one-sided. He’s a good man and I still love him that’s why it hurts so much. Otherwise I would have gladly let him go. Please don’t make him out to be the bad guy when I bear so much of the responsibility. So much that I can’t stand it. Ican no longer bear all this pain. Please pray for my soul. I j u st want to be with Jesus.
Thank you for your c sting and your prayers.

Some of us, at one time or another, have been in the same or similar situations. Many of us who have posted to you are women and women tend to try to protect each other when there is someone in danger or in need.
We are ALL SINNERS. I know you aren’t perfect, as does each and every one of us. We just don’t want you to be hurt and for your husband to get off without realizing the consequences of his actions. In marriages we all fail at different things, but you don’t give up, you get up and move forward and learn from that failure, you don’t go out and find a girlfriend or a boyfriend to sooth your feelings and to make you feel good about yourself. You should be helping each other and he’s not doing that.
I also think you need to call someone tomorrow and find someone to talk with one on one and face to face, you need some help and guidance through this difficult time in your life. Please call your parish or Catholic Charities for some referrals and let someone else help you learn to deal with this and how to fix things. My prayers will be with you.

 

[EasterJoy]

Sorry, but we perceive this situation differently.
A good man struggling with infidelity doesn’t expose his wife to his mistresses phone calls and emails and treat her the way this guy is.
My concern is not for how much money she’ll get in a divorce, but for her mental state, and the very real path she is on to something akin to Stockholm syndrome (rationalizing and putting the blame on herself for this). Pretty soon she’ll have set herself up for an escalation of what is clearly already abuse.

You can talk all you want about what “he needs to hear”, but something tells me in his present state ( laying around drinking) he’s not really receptive to diatribes about what the prophet Nathan had to say. Some things aren’t solved by hitting on just the right thing to say.

A good guy can be a good guy for 20 years and then become an idiot on the 21st. She loves the good guy he has been for 20 years. She is casting around for ways she might be responsible, but that doesn’t mean he implies it is her fault. If he had cancer, she’d be casting around for ways it might have been her fault. That happens any time we suffer from a calamity.

You are right: I did not literally mean she ought to talk to him in character as Nathan. I meant she has the right to be blunt that he, even though she loves him, is dropping the ball without an excuse. He needs to switch his noodle, get his head on straight, and give up thinking that “for better or for worse” has an expiration date or an escape clause for when someone else flatters you that they are your “soul mate” instead of the person you actually chose for that role over 20 years ago.

He chose his soul mate. He chose who he was going to love for his whole life. He has been doing that for over 20 years, and that is why the OP loves him. It is time for him to get out of fantasyland to get back to doing that.

Now, he may have convinced himself that he and his wife don’t have a valid marriage. Well, as Ol’ Dr. Phil used to say (and probably still does), you have to work yourself out of a marriage. You don’t have any right to just leave. It isn’t just the wrong thing to do to your spouse. It isn’t just the wrong thing to do to your kids and the rest of your extended family. In the vast majority of cases, it is the wrong thing to do for you, no matter how secular you have become. You have to do your homework before you can walk away from that many years of marriage, and the more years you have spent on this attempt at marriage, the more work there is to do:
drphil.com/articles/article/23

If her husband won’t believe the Catholic reasons he needs to lose his girlfriend, at the very least maybe he can come to believe the secular reasons, a la Dr. Phil. What he’s doing is very foolish, and he needs to get his head together, scrape some integrity together, and do this like a grown-up worthy of being married to anybody at all.

 

[mariemargaret]

From my experience, people can believe what they want to believe if it suits them, and can be convinced of it to the end. I’d bet that the OP’s husband is convinced that his behavior is correct and justified. I have been thru this in the past year and it is mind boggling but can absolutely happen. I’d bet there have been underlying issues for years; he’s probably been unhappy for years and has let things get to this place and just doesn’t care any more. Maybe the OP has been unhappy for years too.

OP, please don’t blame yourself. Every marriage has its problems, every person is a sinner. The important thing here is what each person does when confronted with a troubled marriage. Yes, he should work to resolve the problems in his marriage; yes, he should not have a mistress and yes, he should not flaunt said mistress. He does not believe what he is doing is wrong, so what the rest of us know is morally right or wrong really doesn’t matter. He clearly doesn’t care.

OP, here are my suggestions:

• get to a councelor tomorrow; at least have an appointment scheduled. Really. If you are really struggling RIGHT NOW, call a hotline for help. They are there for you.
• get an appointment scheduled with a lawyer. If at all possible, talk to the lawyer on the phone and get some basic advice.
• Have an emergency plan in place. Have cash on hand and a bag packed in case you need to leave right away. Have a place picked out to go to. Just in case. I never needed to do this, but it made me feel better just knowing I had a plan if needed. If you have children, make arrangements for them to go with you if you have to go.

I went thru a lot this past year and I am here to tell you that you will get through this. The pain IS excruciating, but the pain IS bearable. Place it at Jesus’ feet; pray for relief and for God to guide you through this. You will be stronger after this no matter what the outcome. You will know more about yourself and you will be able to deal with your failings and your successes. Please don’t beat yourself up for your failings. Again, we are all sinners and we all deserve forgiveness and grace.

And one more thing. No matter what your husband does or says, God will always love you. Embrace and take strength from that.

I will pray for peace and serenity for you.

 

[mrbean007]

My husband loves another woman (co-worker) and says he can’t choose between us. This has been going on for months and I am emotionally drained. She would call almost daily and they would talk for an hour at a time and not just about work. They would spend til the wee hours of the morning after work talking.They no longer work together but he has no intention of not seeing/talking with her even though he knows it hurts me when he does. He is sharing intimate details of our lives with her and I know they talk about me. I told her she is not welcome to call here anymore and now she is emailing (5x today all with cryptic references about me and about their future together. And all signed I love you. What should I do? After 23 years of marriage I never thought Iwould be in this position. Please help.

Tears came to my eyes when I read this. I am so sorry this happened. I’m praying for you both.

 

[EasterJoy]

Incidentally, I have seen spouses who thought they were in love with someone else go back and do the work to “work their way” free of their marriage, and the marriage was saved. As in, it is ten and 20 years out, and getting into the counselling needed to save their marriage was the best thing that ever happened to either one of them. There was a reason they married, there were things they hadn’t learned by just “saying I do” that they were not too old to learn, and putting those two together saved their marriage.

Everyone who thinks they need a divorce ought to go through the work of debriefing what happened to their marriage before they file, let alone before they even THINK of inflicting the same wrong-headed thinking on a new person in a new relationship. That method usually results in a second marriage that fails for all the same reasons that the first one failed.

If the wayward spouse is “coping” by drinking and acting in a way that might indicate depression, all the more so. This is someone very vulnerable to grasping at straws and obsessing about the idea that there is some “magic bullet” out there that can make them whole again–a new person, a new place, a new job, and maybe a new everything.

 

[Serap]

No matter how bad a wife you have been, you do not deserve to be treated with such a lack of regard for your feelings and well being.

You are playing into the co-dependent victim category here.

Non of us are perfect in marriage…I have been a bad wife in many ways also. My husband has been a bad husband in many ways also.

My point is that in marriage, you are entitled to dignity as a person. Your dignity has been taken away from you. You are being treated with a lack of respect.

Your husband is not a bad guy; your husband is messed up right now and he’s caught in a web. Sometimes, kicking someone out to figure things out, causes a person to realize that his own wife is his priority. Time and space may be all that is needed for your husband to figure things out.

 

[MacQ]

A good guy can be a good guy for 20 years and then become an idiot on the 21st. She loves the good guy he has been for 20 years. She is casting around for ways she might be responsible, but that doesn’t mean he implies it is her fault. If he had cancer, she’d be casting around for ways it might have been her fault. That happens any time we suffer from a calamity.

You are right: I did not literally mean she ought to talk to him in character as Nathan. I meant she has the right to be blunt that he, even though she loves him, is dropping the ball without an excuse. He needs to switch his noodle, get his head on straight, and give up thinking that “for better or for worse” has an expiration date or an escape clause for when someone else flatters you that they are your “soul mate” instead of the person you actually chose for that role over 20 years ago.

He chose his soul mate. He chose who he was going to love for his whole life. He has been doing that for over 20 years, and that is why the OP loves him. It is time for him to get out of fantasyland to get back to doing that.

Now, he may have convinced himself that he and his wife don’t have a valid marriage. Well, as Ol’ Dr. Phil used to say (and probably still does), you have to work yourself out of a marriage. You don’t have any right to just leave. It isn’t just the wrong thing to do to your spouse. It isn’t just the wrong thing to do to your kids and the rest of your extended family. In the vast majority of cases, it is the wrong thing to do for you, no matter how secular you have become. You have to do your homework before you can walk away from that many years of marriage, and the more years you have spent on this attempt at marriage, the more work there is to do:
drphil.com/articles/article/23

If her husband won’t believe the Catholic reasons he needs to lose his girlfriend, at the very least maybe he can come to believe the secular reasons, a la Dr. Phil. What he’s doing is very foolish, and he needs to get his head together, scrape some integrity together, and do this like a grown-up worthy of being married to anybody at all.

I don’t disagree with any of that Easter.
What we disagree about, I think, is that you seem to think that presenting him with all these facts and notions will straighten him out, and I don’t think so. You seem to think that if you just come up with the right way to say it, he’ll get it.

I don’t.

I can tell you that when people tell a story of having made a big change (like overcoming an addiction), they never begin it with “Well my wife told me that Dr. Phil said…” and they never begin it with “Well, one day my wife quoted some scripture…”

I think these two people need to be apart awhile so they can gain some perspective.
He needs to see the reality of the choice he’s making, and she needs to recover her sense of self.
To keep talking and pleading at him while nothing tangible changes is akin to getting a bruised forehead from the brick wall.