My husband suffers from depression, how to better support him?

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Ophelia23

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My husband suffers from depression. He has for years. When he suffers, we in turn all suffer also. Me, the kids, all of us. I try to be supportive, to be understanding of his circumstances, but it gets very hard. I encourage him to seek help to which he responds, “never.” I encourage him to talk to me about what he is experiencing, to which he responds, “You just don’t understand depression.” When he does open up to me, I listen attentively and I respond with things like, “I can imagine that was difficult.” I don’t put any judgement as to whether I think he was right or wrong. I very purposefully avoid it. Meanwhile, he becomes angry with me on a daily basis. He has absolutely no patience for me. I am consistently told that I am “ridiculous”, or that I’m being ridiculous. If my ideas are different from his, he becomes immediately frustrated. If I ever ask why or how something works, I am somehow insulting him for not “trusting” him. He leaves a trail of a mess from the door to the couch when he comes home, and it doesn’t occur to him to pick it up. He leaves his dishes wherever he ate, he leaves crumbs wherever they drop-- he covers his head with a pillow when I am up with the baby, no matter how tired I am. I have no support from him. I am so grateful that he eventually realizes his misbehavior and apologizes, but on the same token I am very tired of hearing “I was being a jerk. I’m sorry.” on a daily basis. It doesn’t really mean much anymore.

I struggle so greatly to support him when he won’t seek help. He is not violent. He is not abusive. When I met him, I was not looking for a relationship. I was not desperate to get married. I clearly love him for a purpose. But after years of this, I am feeling worn down. I struggle to see any of the good and this is a mindset that I need to pull myself out of. I don’t fear separation or divorce–it is not going to happen. What I fear is this never changing, and spending my life in a marriage that leaves me feeling less-than and unsupported. I fear him spending his life feeling surrounded by darkness. When we fell in love, what he loved most about me was my brightness. This is what he has told me. I was a shining light to him. But now he is just so accustomed to me, and I apparently don’t shine as much as I used to. On the other hand, I can feel that I don’t shine as much as I used to. I often feel smothered out, like a big heavy wet blanket is dousing out my flames and my joys.

I am sometimes happiest when he is away at work. I remind myself daily that marriage is not about happiness. That love is not about a feeling. And I choose to still love him. I choose to support him. To encourage him. To pray for him that he seeks some help. There are just some days where I feel so down about it, like I am failing him. Like I just can’t please him. And I can’t. I have to accept that fact, and also accept that it is not my fault.

I’m thinking about joining a support group or something. Maybe there is even one on this forum–I’ll have to look around a little bit.

Please pray for my husband. I don’t feel the gushy mushy love that I once did, but I feel something so much more substantial and heart wrenching than that. I want so badly for him to get better and to see the light of day again.
 
I totally agree that you need a support system for YOU, so that you can be the bright, happy woman you once were and can be again.🙂
I always read your posts here, and I can see, even through the medium of an online forum, that you are a woman of warmth and compassion and faith.
Whether or not your husband ever acknowledges his need for help for his depression, you can still get the help you need to not lose your self, to be steady and stable, to be able to choose joy in the midst of suffering. We all know the cliche of the fight attendant, telling us to put on our own oxygen masks BEFORE helping anyone else, right? No one knows that reality better than someone who is responsible for caring for another, especially in challenging circumstances, on a daily basis. St. Francis de Sales also exhorts us to pray for at least a half an hour every day, except when we are busy, and then we should pray a whole hour. 😉 So, a woman in your circumstances is going to need more spiritual and emotional support than someone in easier or less demanding circumstances.
So that is what I suggest you focus on. Build up your support system, make time to attend to your spiritual and emotional needs (and I understand this is challenging because it is hard for children and husbands to understand that the woman of the family has needs, too), and then you will be better equipped to support your husband. This is not selfishness, by the way. It is survival.
 
So he recognises it’s depression and that it’s negatively affecting his life and the lives of his family members…but he refuses to get any help? I would find that very frustrating. He can’t just use his depression as an excuse to be unsupportive and a ‘jerk’, especially when he’s not trying to treat it. I think you should be more assertive about how he needs to get help.

And I say this as someone who also suffers from depression.
 
Depression is a very selfish illness. What I mean is - it is very “me” focused. MY pain, MY suffering, MY unhappiness, MY exhaustion. People who are depressed are often incapable of getting outside of themselves to acknowledge the suffering of others, even when - particularly when - they cause it. It must be so difficult to live under these circumstances. You probably feel like no one is supporting or looking out for you. The role your spouse should play as your cheerleader, your partner, your support person has given way to his focus on himself.

The saddest part is that taking a tablet every morning could revolutionize his life.

Have you heard of codependency? It’s basically the theory that “it takes two to tango.” Your husband can live like this because someone enables it, and that person is you. These situations often fall into place without anyone really realizing it. My parents lived that way. They were both good, loving Catholics with a strong commitment to family. However, my mom was a drunk and my dad continually minimized the problem, covered up for my mom to avoid embarrassment, bought her lies that she would change…tomorrow, and basically played the supporting role in her illness. Instead of saying, “This is absolutely not acceptable and I demand that you seek serious professional help for your problem right away” (which, with five kids at home, is what he should have done), he kept hoping things would get better on their own. He (sort of) hoped that my mom would wake up one day and decide to change, and told us we just needed to pray harder for her. He hoped this until I was a grown woman and had lived almost my whole life in a home with a parent who was essentially nonfunctional and a terrible example. It damaged me, even though I appeared normal to outsiders.

The other part of a codependent relationship is that the codependent spouse (the “healthy” spouse) gets something out of the deal. At first blush, it seems impossible - who would want to live with a drunk or a depressed person? But the truth is that in our family’s situation, what my dad got out of it was the ability to behave however he wanted without my mom saying a word. Obviously, she had zero legs to stand on in the behavior correction department, so my dad was allowed to be an angry jerk without his wife EVER complaining about it. He got a pass on his problems, as long as he gave her a pass on hers. Good deal! A good friend of mine is obese, and her husband has never said a word. What does a man get out of an obese wife? Well, he gets to allay his insecurities that she will cheat on him or leave him. When you look hard enough, you will see that you “get” something out of living this way. Maybe it means you get to make all the decisions in the household and for the kids, or feel like a martyr at the end of the day. Maybe it allows you to not be intimate with your husband. I don’t know what it is, but there is always something.

I know that is a radical or even infuriating thought. I am sure it is true that you hate your husband’s depression. But, if you hated it enough, you would not tolerate it, because it is so dysfunctional and unhealthy for you and your babies. So, what is the deal you have made? Your husband gets to be miserable and depressed so that you can…? Think about it. Deep down, what is scary to you about him getting help and feeling healthy again?

Sometimes mentally ill people have to be dragged to the point of treatment. I know it is popular to suggest that someone must “want” help - but a depressed person is not going to wake up one day with so much clarity. If you say, “Honey, why don’t we go talk to someone about this?” he will say “no.” What if you said, “Dear, I love you, but it’s terrible for the kids to see you behave this way. You are breaking my heart, and you are breaking the kids’ spirits. I’m taking the kids and moving in with my mom while you decide what is important to you in this life. I’ve left the phone number of a good Catholic psychiatrist on the table. I hope you will call. Let me know when you do. I’ll be praying.” That is not a separation or a divorce, but a strong, calculated move to get your husband the help he desperately needs.

Do you know depression is life-threatening? What if your husband had cancer. Would you be satisfied to suggest he get help, and back down when he said, “never?” How hard would you fight for him to treat his cancer? Depression is very serious. It will not go away on its own. You can’t pray it away. And although YOU are an adult and can make the decision to just accept it and live like this, your babies don’t have a choice. If you think you can protect them from your husband’s example, you are wrong.

I don’t say all of this to be cruel to you, on the contrary. I hope and pray that somehow this gets resolved.
 
Avocadomom said:
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Great post. Good that you mentioned the effect this would be having on the children too. It’s scary just how much a person can be influenced (even subconsciously) by their parents’ behaviour.
 
Ophelia23 said:
My husband suffers from depression. He has for years. When he suffers, we in turn all suffer also. Me, the kids, all of us. I try to be supportive, to be understanding of his circumstances, but it gets very hard. I encourage him to seek help to which he responds, “never.” I encourage him to talk to me about what he is experiencing, to which he responds, “You just don’t understand depression.” When he does open up to me, I listen attentively and I respond with things like, “I can imagine that was difficult.” I don’t put any judgement as to whether I think he was right or wrong. I very purposefully avoid it. Meanwhile, he becomes angry with me on a daily basis. He has absolutely no patience for me. I am consistently told that I am “ridiculous”, or that I’m being ridiculous. If my ideas are different from his, he becomes immediately frustrated. If I ever ask why or how something works, I am somehow insulting him for not “trusting” him. He leaves a trail of a mess from the door to the couch when he comes home, and it doesn’t occur to him to pick it up. He leaves his dishes wherever he ate, he leaves crumbs wherever they drop-- he covers his head with a pillow when I am up with the baby, no matter how tired I am. I have no support from him. I am so grateful that he eventually realizes his misbehavior and apologizes, but on the same token I am very tired of hearing “I was being a jerk. I’m sorry.” on a daily basis. It doesn’t really mean much anymore.

I struggle so greatly to support him when he won’t seek help. He is not violent. He is not abusive. When I met him, I was not looking for a relationship. I was not desperate to get married. I clearly love him for a purpose. But after years of this, I am feeling worn down. I struggle to see any of the good and this is a mindset that I need to pull myself out of. I don’t fear separation or divorce–it is not going to happen. What I fear is this never changing, and spending my life in a marriage that leaves me feeling less-than and unsupported. I fear him spending his life feeling surrounded by darkness. When we fell in love, what he loved most about me was my brightness. This is what he has told me. I was a shining light to him. But now he is just so accustomed to me, and I apparently don’t shine as much as I used to. On the other hand, I can feel that I don’t shine as much as I used to. I often feel smothered out, like a big heavy wet blanket is dousing out my flames and my joys.

I am sometimes happiest when he is away at work. I remind myself daily that marriage is not about happiness. That love is not about a feeling. And I choose to still love him. I choose to support him. To encourage him. To pray for him that he seeks some help. There are just some days where I feel so down about it, like I am failing him. Like I just can’t please him. And I can’t. I have to accept that fact, and also accept that it is not my fault.

I’m thinking about joining a support group or something. Maybe there is even one on this forum–I’ll have to look around a little bit.

Please pray for my husband. I don’t feel the gushy mushy love that I once did, but I feel something so much more substantial and heart wrenching than that. I want so badly for him to get better and to see the light of day again.
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I think you are as responsible for your husband’s gloom as you are responsible for the sun setting and rising. What radiated from your husband when you first started to know him? You radiated brightness, what did he radiate? When someone steps on my toe, my knee-jerk reaction is to apologize, because i’m wired that way, some others will demand an apology if they step on your toe because you should have known better than to be there when they were, i.e. it’s never their fault. While I don’t deny that depression is painful, your husband can choose, if he so wills, to pick up after himself, to help you to fix meals, help you with the kid(s), his energy level may not be through the roof, but inasmuch as you can muster the will to love your husband when he is clearly not lovely and charming, so he, too, can muster the will to get some things done. If depression is too, relatively, comfortable, the push to get out of it may not be there. If a kid is too comfortable at home, mom does the cooking, the washing, the ironing, money is given lavishly, not much is expected, very likely the kid won’t be in a hurry to move into an apartment with bills to pay, things to worry about, plus the burden of all that mom used to do for him. My 2 cents.
 
As someone who has suffered from debilitating depression, I understand both his and your positions. Depression breeds anger and blaming - I know I blamed my poor husband for a lot of things that weren’t his fault at all. It’s a miracle he was able to put up with me.

Medication sort-of worked, but what really worked for me was changing my diet. I went low-carb high-fat to control my blood sugar and within a few months I was a much more cheerful person. I have since read other people’s accounts of how low-carb or paleo diets improved their mental outlook. It has been a wonderful side-effect of the diabetic diet.

You need to be firm with him and tell him you will not put up with his childish behavior. He’s an adult and adults pick up after themselves. And as others have said, you need to take care of yourself and your children. What I put my children thru as they were growing up was terrible. My daughter barely spoke to me for several years. Fortunately, the relationship has been mended.

Like a person in an plane that’s going down, you need to help yourself first, and your children. Don’t let your lives be harmed by the darkness in your husband’s life.
 
I’ve never had this particular problem, but I do have a stock answer for sick husbands that might be helpful to you.

“If it’s bad enough for you to complain for a week, it’s bad enough for you to see the doctor.”

You might need to adjust that for your circumstances, for instance, “If it’s bad enough that you can’t function/are treating the family badly/need to apologize every day/etc., it’s bad enough for you to see the doctor.”
 
Op,
I think you are doing your very best in a very tough situation and I would seek out a support group or even therapy for yourself to support yourself in this since he is refusing help. You are not failing him, he is failing you and the best thing for you to do is seek help and support for yourself. You are not going to change him, he will have to do that with the help of therapy which he seems against right now. You are in my prayers.
 
I’ve been where you are. It’s so very difficult- I’m sorry. I’ll pray for you.

Avocadomom gave you some great advice that took me a long time to appreciate in my own life. One thing I noticed, when my husband was in the dumps of his own depression, was that I only brought up the depression and suggested he get help when he was in the midst of an “episode”. Some days were better than others, and on the better days, I felt so relieved to see a bit of sunshine in his face, in our life, that I would do anything not to rock the boat. I certainly wasn’t about to bring up the issue of his moods and suggest seeing a psychiatrist at that point- but in reality, that’s what I should have done. When he was in the midst of his gloom, he could in no way pull himself out to consider therapy. It seemed hopeless and useless to him. Once I mustered the courage to confront him about it at a different time, he was more open to the consideration. And, believe me, as soon as cracked the door open, I made him make an appointment on the spot.

You might want to check out the book* Depression Fallout *amazon.com/Depression-Fallout-Impact-Couples-Preserve/dp/0060009349/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1401291078&sr=8-1&keywords=depression+fallout It’s a secular book, but I found it SO helpful in discussing the impact of one person’s depression on a couple. She has some very practical advice, and the author has also founded an online support group that is very useful.
 
First, go to a doctor to get a proper diagnosis. Depression comes in varying forms and degrees. I have had it for decades.

Yes, medication may be needed. Only a doctor can make that determination.

A therapist should be included. He or she will help sort out personal issues going on in his life and any habits or personality traits that could be changed or modified. Talking to a trained third party can help. You can sit in if you want.

google depression “support group” for your city or area. There are many. Most people who don’t have it can’t picture what it’s like. Being with others who have it will help. I’ve gone to two.

If money is an issue, ask if you can pay less based on your income. Also, if a therapist or doctor does not seem right, you can ask for a different one.

God bless,

Ed
 
Wow! I have been obese for over 30 years. I did not know it affected others.
 
Praying to St. Dymphna for your husband’s health & recovery. Praying that he seeks the help he needs & praying for you as well.
 
As someone who suffers from mental illness (generalized anxiety disorder, or GAD) I can attest to the fact that it’s not always easy to recognize that there’s a problem when you’re in the throes of it. Look back, I think I had GAD for about 8-10 years before I was actually diagnosed and treated. (I’ve been successfully treated for about 2 years now.)

First of all, I think your husband should see a doctor for a complete physical checkup. Sometimes other problems, such as hypothyroidism or low testosterone, can cause depression. These should be ruled out prior to anything else.

Secondly, your husband needs to seek treatment. When it comes to major depression, the evidence suggests that psychotherapy and medication work equally well. His doctor and/or a therapist can help him decide which treatment is most appropriate for him. I will warn you - you might have to be the catalyst to get him to the appointment, but he may find it life-changing. There are also numerous self-help books about therapies to treat depression - cognitive-behavioural therapy is one example that tends to work quite well, though again, you’ll need to help him try different approaches and see what works best for him.

I think the biggest thing to remember is that it is not HIM that you’re seeing right now. It’s his illness. You are seeing the shell of the illness that has built up around him. It’s like a statue covered with grime. Once you’re able to peel away the layer of illness, you’ll likely find the man you fell in love with. You can also remind him that this is an ILLNESS - not a personal failing. The brain is an organ, just like the heart, the lungs, and the liver. It can get sick just like any other organ. There’s nothing shameful about treating a diseased organ. Your husband might also need to find a hobby or something he enjoys to help him deal with the depression. I call this having a “thing” - having a coping mechanism. Mine is hand sewing. Once, I was mad as a hornet. My husband suggested I take up my sewing - and I was calmed down in 5 minutes. Something physical is best, because physical activities often cause an endorphin release. I think everybody has a different “thing” - some people jog or run, some take the dog for a walk, some lift weights, some do woodworking, some paint, some sculpt, some draw, some knit, some crochet, some build models, some do puzzles (jigsaw or others), some garden or do yard work. If your husband is able to find his “thing” it might help to give him something else to occupy his mind. It doesn’t matter what the “thing” is - it’s his “thing”. If he wants to literally go outside and pound sand in the sandbox - that’s okay. It’s his “thing”, it needs to be something that works for him. The only things I don’t recommend are TV watching or substance use (such as alcohol or illegal drugs).

You might also need to educate family and friends about the situation. Your husband is NOT a bad person. He’s not weak. He’s SICK. Telling him not to get so depressed or that it’s not a big deal is not going to help the situation. (Speaking as someone with mental illness, believe me, we KNOW we’re not normal. We also don’t like living that way. Isn’t it conceivable that if we could stop worrying/being depressed/etc. we would?) Consequently, you can let them know that he’s seeking treatment. To ask how he is feeling is okay. To validate his feelings is okay. To diminish them is not okay. To tell him if he worked harder he’d feel better is not okay.
 
You are not alone in this journey and I will gladly pray for you and your husband. Peronally, I think that a support group could be very helpful to you and I will pray for you to find one also. Count on us to care and pray.

Memorare

REMEMBER, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thy intercession was left unaided. Inspired with this confidence, I fly to thee, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother; to thee do I come; before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer me. Amen.
 
His_helpmeet said:
As someone who suffers from mental illness (generalized anxiety disorder, or GAD) I can attest to the fact that it’s not always easy to recognize that there’s a problem when you’re in the throes of it. Look back, I think I had GAD for about 8-10 years before I was actually diagnosed and treated. (I’ve been successfully treated for about 2 years now.)

First of all, I think your husband should see a doctor for a complete physical checkup. Sometimes other problems, such as hypothyroidism or low testosterone, can cause depression. These should be ruled out prior to anything else.

Secondly, your husband needs to seek treatment. When it comes to major depression, the evidence suggests that psychotherapy and medication work equally well. His doctor and/or a therapist can help him decide which treatment is most appropriate for him. I will warn you - you might have to be the catalyst to get him to the appointment, but he may find it life-changing. There are also numerous self-help books about therapies to treat depression - cognitive-behavioural therapy is one example that tends to work quite well, though again, you’ll need to help him try different approaches and see what works best for him.

I think the biggest thing to remember is that it is not HIM that you’re seeing right now. It’s his illness. You are seeing the shell of the illness that has built up around him. It’s like a statue covered with grime. Once you’re able to peel away the layer of illness, you’ll likely find the man you fell in love with. You can also remind him that this is an ILLNESS - not a personal failing. The brain is an organ, just like the heart, the lungs, and the liver. It can get sick just like any other organ. There’s nothing shameful about treating a diseased organ. Your husband might also need to find a hobby or something he enjoys to help him deal with the depression. I call this having a “thing” - having a coping mechanism. Mine is hand sewing. Once, I was mad as a hornet. My husband suggested I take up my sewing - and I was calmed down in 5 minutes. Something physical is best, because physical activities often cause an endorphin release. I think everybody has a different “thing” - some people jog or run, some take the dog for a walk, some lift weights, some do woodworking, some paint, some sculpt, some draw, some knit, some crochet, some build models, some do puzzles (jigsaw or others), some garden or do yard work. If your husband is able to find his “thing” it might help to give him something else to occupy his mind. It doesn’t matter what the “thing” is - it’s his “thing”. If he wants to literally go outside and pound sand in the sandbox - that’s okay. It’s his “thing”, it needs to be something that works for him. The only things I don’t recommend are TV watching or substance use (such as alcohol or illegal drugs).

You might also need to educate family and friends about the situation. Your husband is NOT a bad person. He’s not weak. He’s SICK. Telling him not to get so depressed or that it’s not a big deal is not going to help the situation. (Speaking as someone with mental illness, believe me, we KNOW we’re not normal. We also don’t like living that way. Isn’t it conceivable that if we could stop worrying/being depressed/etc. we would?) Consequently, you can let them know that he’s seeking treatment. To ask how he is feeling is okay. To validate his feelings is okay. To diminish them is not okay. To tell him if he worked harder he’d feel better is not okay.
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Thank you for posting that. It does feel like you are covered in something that weighs you down. That does not let you experience a certain level of joy or happiness. A young lady I knew at a support group tried alcohol, but, fortunately, she realized that she would then have two problems, so she sought medical help. And medicine is medicine. I know some people don’t like taking pills - I sure don’t - but they do help me.

Peace,
Ed
 
I really appreciate all of the advice, prayers and encouragement on this thread. It has given me much to think about.

First, Mommamaree, that gave me a wonderful boost. Your kind words really uplifted me when I needed it, and I thank you.

To Avacadomom, I don’t take any offense to your post at all. I am not insulted. I really took what you said to heart and I have been chewing on it all morning. I have never taken quite so severe of an approach, partly because I have nowhere else to go unless I want to take the girls several states away. That seems unfair to me. But the gist of it, that does not seem unfair at all. I really considered whether I am getting anything positive out of our situation, as you said, and I took a long, honest look at myself. I can not think of a single thing that I get from this that I like. And you are right, it is an illness. When you put it in terms of if this were cancer, you are also right. I would have driven him to the hospital by myself at this point. Dragged him there. So why have I not done the same for this illness? I hadn’t thought of it exactly this way before. So I began looking into local Catholic psychiatrists in our area as of today. I will find him a doctor and I will much more proactively promote his getting help. As someone else mentioned, it tends to come up when he is in one of his episodes. I can see how that would not be the most fruitful time to encourage help. I am going to broach the subject the next time he is having a better day–he may be more receptive to it.

As for me, I have decided that I will look into a local support group. I think that doing so could provide me with some very specific-need friendship, but I also think it could help me in correcting where I am erring in all of this and even help me be more positive for him.

I am so grateful for all of you here, and especially for your prayers. God is love.
 
Ophelia23 said:
I really appreciate all of the advice, prayers and encouragement on this thread. It has given me much to think about.

First, Mommamaree, that gave me a wonderful boost. Your kind words really uplifted me when I needed it, and I thank you.

To Avacadomom, I don’t take any offense to your post at all. I am not insulted. I really took what you said to heart and I have been chewing on it all morning. I have never taken quite so severe of an approach, partly because I have nowhere else to go unless I want to take the girls several states away. That seems unfair to me. But the gist of it, that does not seem unfair at all. I really considered whether I am getting anything positive out of our situation, as you said, and I took a long, honest look at myself. I can not think of a single thing that I get from this that I like. And you are right, it is an illness. When you put it in terms of if this were cancer, you are also right. I would have driven him to the hospital by myself at this point. Dragged him there. So why have I not done the same for this illness? I hadn’t thought of it exactly this way before. So I began looking into local Catholic psychiatrists in our area as of today. I will find him a doctor and I will much more proactively promote his getting help. As someone else mentioned, it tends to come up when he is in one of his episodes. I can see how that would not be the most fruitful time to encourage help. I am going to broach the subject the next time he is having a better day–he may be more receptive to it.

As for me, I have decided that I will look into a local support group. I think that doing so could provide me with some very specific-need friendship, but I also think it could help me in correcting where I am erring in all of this and even help me be more positive for him.

I am so grateful for all of you here, and especially for your prayers. God is love.
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Good for you! I think that the reason people don’t DO SOMETHING during one of the better days/weeks is because there is always that lingering hope that the problem is getting better all on its own. Maybe this time it’s for good right? But it never does just go away, and these things just tend to get worse and worse until there is a total crisis. Every cycle is worst than the last. Even though it might feel like your family is in crisis right now, it can and does get worse. I will pray for the best outcome possible. Your husband is very unwell and he is fortunate to have a strong advocate like you.
 
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