My husband wants a divorce and I'm in shock

[Contra_Mundum_1]

Dear Contra Mundum. I do feel as though I know you and I wish I could help you in person. Try to keep a clear head, make lists of the things you need to do, cry when your children are napping, but try NOT to cry in front of your husband. It is a time to be your childrens’ advocate, at least financially. I pray that your husband changes his mind. I pray that another woman is not involved.

Thank you so much dear, I appreciate your kind words and prayers. I think we posted at the same time and my update is above.

I have some money at home and he said that he will support us. I believe him but will see a lawyer. I also own an appartment at home so we will have a place to live. I don’t know if I should stay here in Malaysia for a bit because I have some things to take care of and it might take a few months. I might stay home until Chrsitmas and then come back. Maybe the reality of the empty home will hit him and he will change his mind. On the one hand, the thought of living with an atheist who hates my faith is awful, but on the other it is preferable to being a single mom with 2 kids. Or maybe it is not better and I’d appreciate a few thoughts on this.

For some reason I feel the need to talk to my father in law. I think I need a dad figure and I’m not in contact with my own father. I have no idea what he will say, I just need support. My mom is trying to be helpful but she is just not although she means well.

 

[Cristiano]

OP here with an update.

I had another long talk with him. He has definitely decided to end it. He said he is tired of it all and that he can’t be with me. The main reason for wanting to leave me is my faith. My faith is central to who I am and he can’t deal with that anymore. He said it is ridiculous, bigoted and just plain weird and that he feels embarassed for me, especially when I say to people that I attend church, and every time he is at mass with me and the kids. To say that I was shocked by this revelation is an understatement. He lied to me for all these years. He seemed so respectful and supportive, and even to have admiration for Catholicism and its influence in the world. I asked him about that and he said that he used to be more tolerant but that something has happened that he can’t explain and that now he seriously hates it and can’t be married to a religious person. He knows that the children will be raised Catholic and not being around is an easier option for him than to be with us and witness it. I think this is absolutely insane and can’t get my head around it.

I tried. I really tried. I said that we must be truly tolerant of each other and that many couples have different religious beliefs and still respect one another as people, even if they don’t share and respect the belief that the person holds. He said he can’t do that. I pleaded for him to consider marital councelling and he said that the main thing can’t be changed, unless I not just stop attending church but lose my faith. He believes that he can be a good, loving, involved father even if we end up living in different countries and on different continents. I said that he is seriously naive and selfish. He admitted that is probably the case. The conversation got me nowhere except now I know that the reason is my faith. I am so shocked. He lied to me for such a long time and I didn’t see it. I’m not dumb but he is a good actor.

Is this persecution? Is this some kind of martyrdom? What is this craziness? I will not deny God even if that means my husband will leave us. Please tell me that I am doing the right thing and that He will take care of me and my little ones.

Please pray for me. I am so broken right now. I’m thinking of my children growing up fatherless and how that will hurth them. I don’t believe that a few visits a year (if he manages that many, especially if he remarries and has more children) will qualify as being an involved father. What a jerk. What an absolute, selfish, childish jerk I have married.

I am sorry for what you are going through but I do not believe, even for a second, that this has anything to do with your religious beliefs. He knows that you will not drop the Church and he is using this excuse to dump the problem on you and make it look like it is your fault. I am sure that there is something else behind this whole story and he wants you to dump him, get a lawyer.

 

[Cristiano]

Thank you so much dear, I appreciate your kind words and prayers. I think we posted at the same time and my update is above.

I have some money at home and he said that he will support us. I believe him but will see a lawyer. I also own an appartment at home so we will have a place to live. I don’t know if I should stay here in Malaysia for a bit because I have some things to take care of and it might take a few months. I might stay home until Chrsitmas and then come back. Maybe the reality of the empty home will hit him and he will change his mind. On the one hand, the thought of living with an atheist who hates my faith is awful, but on the other it is preferable to being a single mom with 2 kids. Or maybe it is not better and I’d appreciate a few thoughts on this.

For some reason I feel the need to talk to my father in law. I think I need a dad figure and I’m not in contact with my own father. I have no idea what he will say, I just need support. My mom is trying to be helpful but she is just not although she means well.

Do not trust him, do not leave him, do not put yourself in a weak legal position, you want custody of your children and financial support for them. Let him do the ****** work if he wants a divorce. Call his parents and tell them what is happening, he needs his daddy to tell him to behave like a real man and not like a spoiled child…

 

[AnastasiaRomano]

OP here with an update.

I had another long talk with him. He has definitely decided to end it. He said he is tired of it all and that he can’t be with me. The main reason for wanting to leave me is my faith. My faith is central to who I am and he can’t deal with that anymore. He said it is ridiculous, bigoted and just plain weird and that he feels embarassed for me, especially when I say to people that I attend church, and every time he is at mass with me and the kids. To say that I was shocked by this revelation is an understatement. He lied to me for all these years. He seemed so respectful and supportive, and even to have admiration for Catholicism and its influence in the world. I asked him about that and he said that he used to be more tolerant but that something has happened that he can’t explain and that now he seriously hates it and can’t be married to a religious person. He knows that the children will be raised Catholic and not being around is an easier option for him than to be with us and witness it. I think this is absolutely insane and can’t get my head around it.

I tried. I really tried. I said that we must be truly tolerant of each other and that many couples have different religious beliefs and still respect one another as people, even if they don’t share and respect the belief that the person holds. He said he can’t do that. I pleaded for him to consider marital councelling and he said that the main thing can’t be changed, unless I not just stop attending church but lose my faith. He believes that he can be a good, loving, involved father even if we end up living in different countries and on different continents. I said that he is seriously naive and selfish. He admitted that is probably the case. The conversation got me nowhere except now I know that the reason is my faith. I am so shocked. He lied to me for such a long time and I didn’t see it. I’m not dumb but he is a good actor.

Is this persecution? Is this some kind of martyrdom? What is this craziness? I will not deny God even if that means my husband will leave us. Please tell me that I am doing the right thing and that He will take care of me and my little ones.

Please pray for me. I am so broken right now. I’m thinking of my children growing up fatherless and how that will hurth them. I don’t believe that a few visits a year (if he manages that many, especially if he remarries and has more children) will qualify as being an involved father. What a jerk. What an absolute, selfish, childish jerk I have married.

Oh dear. I’m so sorry.

Yes, God will take care of you and your children. Cling to Him. God will never leave you nor forsake you – even when humans can and do. Big hugs and prayers for you!

If he has totally made up his mind, then you also need to take steps to take care of yourself and your children. First step, IMO, would be getting copies of all your financial records – make sure that he cannot drain your joint accounts, etc. Then, talk to a lawyer, a good one with experience dealing with multinational couples. The lawyer can give you advice as to the legal situation that you’d face if/when your husband files (division of assets, custody, child support, etc.). Then, please set up counseling. Even though he won’t go, go by yourself, because you certainly could use a counselor to help you in dealing with all this.

Are you close to the priest of your church in Malaysia? I also think talking to a priest might be helpful for you. If you don’t really know the priest in Malaysia, perhaps you could set an appointment with the priest at the parish in your home country while you are there.

Whatever you do, know that you’re in my prayers and I’m sure the prayers of others here at CAF! :hug1:

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Thank you so much dear, I appreciate your kind words and prayers. I think we posted at the same time and my update is above.

I have some money at home and he said that he will support us. I believe him but will see a lawyer. I also own an appartment at home so we will have a place to live. I don’t know if I should stay here in Malaysia for a bit because I have some things to take care of and it might take a few months. I might stay home until Chrsitmas and then come back. Maybe the reality of the empty home will hit him and he will change his mind. On the one hand, the thought of living with an atheist who hates my faith is awful, but on the other it is preferable to being a single mom with 2 kids. Or maybe it is not better and I’d appreciate a few thoughts on this.

For some reason I feel the need to talk to my father in law. I think I need a dad figure and I’m not in contact with my own father. I have no idea what he will say, I just need support. My mom is trying to be helpful but she is just not although she means well.

Just be careful, your FIL could side with his son, in fact it would be likely that he would - you know what they say about blood being thicker than water. Your mother’s advice not to talk to your friends is half right. Don’t denigrate your husband to your friends. Do use them for support. It’s hard not to slag him off when you are so angry and hurt, but she’s right that if they hear the worst about him now, it will make things awkward later if you stay together.

My suspicion is that if you aren’t there with him, he will move someone else into your apartment. I hope I’m wrong but that’s just my intuition. So do what will be right for YOU and the children, the best thing for them. Not easy to think of, but put your feelings on a shelf to be dealt with later. Just get a lawyer and let him/her advise you.

And of course, see your priest ASAP.

 

[Elizabeth502]

I Modern marriage is kind of hard for men.

Marriage is hard for any man and any woman who (a) don’t know their feelings (b) haven’t learned to talk about their feelings (c) refuse to talk about their feelings in a way that is not destructive. The basis of all marriage is healthy communication.

A leader makes decisions.

Indeed. And he hasn’t made decisions, not earlier, when he had doubts and could have decided to go seek therapy about his internal confusion.
Didn’t make them when he could have suggested to his wife and mother of his children that they begin marriage counseling together.
Didn’t make them when he had doubts many years earlier about her Catholicism.
Didn’t make them when he could have learned about her faith more directly, so as to understand her better even without any need to convert. (She says she never put pressure on him to convert, and respects him for attendingi Mass with her.)

I doubt that the OP regarded him only as a paycheck, but no one’s perfect, and if her communication was faulty, or if he merely perceived that she was regarding him as a paycheck, it was his responsibility, as a leader, and as an equal partner, to bring up his concerns to her and/or with the two of them together, in marriage counseling.

Running away from the challenge is not manly, and certainly not a solution.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Please, friends, let’s not get into a back-and-forth about marriage on this thread! Stay focused on our friend Contra Mundum and let’s try to help her instead of going off on a side topic for pages.

Please.

 

[Julia_Mae]

I am finding it hard to believe. I keep thinking this is a dream and that I will wake up…

I know, I’m so sorry.

 

[Quaesitor]

I’m so sorry for you OP!!! My prayers and heart go out to you. Try and find out as much as you can about the situation before leaving to go back to your home country. If there’s even a hint of someone else, I would recommend staying in your home country. But if not, and you think there is even a possibility of reconciliation then I would try. I say this because being surrounded by family during the possible future struggle with divorce will be a source of immense reassurance for you. I would only take this course, of staying in your home country, if there is someone else.

You will be in my prayers!

 

[Julia_Mae]

The conversation got me nowhere except now I know that the reason is my faith.

I don’t believe this for a minute. A liar he is, and the one thing he knows is you will never give up your faith, so if he makes it about that, then he has the perfect out. He just wants to be free of responsibility, go back to dating, thinks he’ll have more money for himself, all that jazz … I’m still voting for the gf on the side.

Get mad, go Mama Bear mode and don’t give away the farm. I doubt you’ll get much out of him, but try.

Is this persecution? Is this some kind of martyrdom? What is this craziness? I will not deny God even if that means my husband will leave us. Please tell me that I am doing the right thing and that He will take care of me and my little ones.

You bet. He will also give you the strength you need, even when you are sure you cannot do it. Srsly, get some support from family or friends and go home.

And BTW - being without a father doesn’t mean your kids will suffer that much if you purposely put good stable role models in their lives. Grandfather, uncles, friends, teachers, coaches. God.

What a jerk. What an absolute, selfish, childish jerk I have married.

There ya go. You’ll need legal advice in three countries. You’ll need to see if there’s any way to get this annulled in the Church. He said he had doubts before he married you. See what m needs to be the reality and then tell him he owes you and he will go along with whatever is necessary for annulment so you can marry a grown-up someday.

Go start your own bank account and see how much of the marital assets you can transfer into it. Now. He’s way ahead of you.

Make sure he finds another place to sleep from now on.

 

[maltmom]

I’m so sorry. My heart is breaking for you and your children. I feel like I know you. I know there are a lot of people praying for you. Add me to the list.

We are here for you to vent to and to cry along with you.

:grouphug:

 

[severus68]

Thank you so much dear, I appreciate your kind words and prayers. I think we posted at the same time and my update is above.

I have some money at home and he said that he will support us. I believe him but will see a lawyer. I also own an appartment at home so we will have a place to live. I don’t know if I should stay here in Malaysia for a bit because I have some things to take care of and it might take a few months. I might stay home until Chrsitmas and then come back. Maybe the reality of the empty home will hit him and he will change his mind. On the one hand, the thought of living with an atheist who hates my faith is awful, but on the other it is preferable to being a single mom with 2 kids. Or maybe it is not better and I’d appreciate a few thoughts on this.

For some reason I feel the need to talk to my father in law. I think I need a dad figure and I’m not in contact with my own father. I have no idea what he will say, I just need support. My mom is trying to be helpful but she is just not although she means well.

He is not being honest about his reason for wanting to leave as others here have said. Has he been staying out late or saying he was working late? If this has happened lately then it might be a clue that he has someone else.

You need to look at:

1. Who holds your children’s and your passports? If not with you, get them when he is out and hide them;
2. Speak to your parish priest please. He will also be able to give you practical advice and help;
3. Does your husband work with a multinational company? If he does, you may be able to get practical help from them like expenses for moving home. Please do not approach them for the time being;
4. Who is the tenant, your husband? Did you sign anything so that you have any liability or potential liability?
5. If you leave now, he may say you abandoned the marital home. Perhaps best to keep to the original plans for the time being;
6. Speak to a lawyer, your priest may be able to help you on this, perhaps recommend one to you;
7. Just to be safe, always keep your children with you. If he wants to take them out, go with them. Until you know more, its best to play it safe;
8. Do you have any good friend in Malaysia you can speak to?

God bless.

 

[Elizabeth502]

Please, friends, let’s not get into a back-and-forth about marriage on this thread! Stay focused on our friend Contra Mundum and let’s try to help her instead of going off on a side topic for pages.

Well, my previous post would have been my last post on the general issue, except that you actually just brought it up again, as a challenge. I will reply to any poster who tries to blame the OP, or women in general. And my replies have actually been supportive of the OP.

The “back-and-forth” is not for the purpose of “side issues.” My own reply was to a post I believed it was, and is, important to reply to, because my response stays

focused on our friend Contra Mundum.

Should hubby have, through the prayers of others or merely a Wake-up Call, a change of heart, the OP will need her own strength and resolve toward a healthy marriage. If it has a chance of working (should he grow up), her own sense of what is needed for that to work, would or will be beneficial.

Please do not try to control the direction of a thread. I am behind the OP. She has my prayers. Thank you.

 

[Litcrit]

Is this persecution? Is this some kind of martyrdom? What is this craziness? I will not deny God even if that means my husband will leave us. Please tell me that I am doing the right thing and that He will take care of me and my little ones.

It is, even if he’s lying.

I’m so, so sorry.

If you feel like calling your FIL, do.

An acquaintance of mine went insane for some time and left his wife and child for a student of his. His family stood by his wife. They supported her 100%. She was the first one invited to all social occasions, and then he felt embarrassed to show up. They didn’t cut him out, just were very clear on who they thought was the innocent party and gave her precedence. Soon enough, he was back, truly repentant. Sometimes ILs can be really decent people.

 

[Groo]

I am so sorry. In a sense your husband might truly be leaving you because of your faith. But it is not what you believe that he is fleeing, but the goodness of the person of Christ. The evil one cannot stand to be around goodness.

I suspect your husband has committed some sinful act, probably multiple times, and now selfishness is consuming him. It might be another woman, or homosexuality…who knows.

Maybe God is protecting you and your children in allowing this to happen. I don’t know…I could be off base. My heart goes out to you though.

 

[The_Bucket]

I am so sorry. In a sense your husband might truly be leaving you because of your faith. But it is not what you believe that he is fleeing, but the goodness of the person of Christ. The evil one cannot stand to be around goodness.

I suspect your husband has committed some sinful act, probably multiple times, and now selfishness is consuming him. It might be another woman, or homosexuality…who knows.

Maybe God is protecting you and your children in allowing this to happen. I don’t know…I could be off base. My heart goes out to you though.

I highly doubt you are off base. This sounds like it could be on the mark.

In my own life I experienced a falling out with my faith and it nearly wrecked my marriage. I had some turbulent times due to medical and financial issues and instead of clinging ever tighter to God, I got mad at Him for “not being there” and slowly drifted away. Eventually I became, well, a pornography addict. There were no other women in real life or chatting or anything like that, but the sins I committed were bad enough.

Unlike the OP I tried my hardest to explain to my wife that I was the problem, not her, but never told her what the issue was. And I was passive aggressive towards her, I lost nearly all my faith in God and eventually became outwardly angry. Had it gone on longer I probably would have started drinking and then God knows what would have happened. But I hated myself, I hated being around my family, I felt like I didn’t deserve my wife and so subconsciously I started to do things that drove her away from me.

I never ended up in this position of wanting divorce. In fact, my wife packed up and left because she was so terrified of what I had become. That nearly drove me to an extremely dark place but instead I found the courage to abandon all pretenses and beg God for forgiveness and strength. I started a recovery program and it’s working very well. We’ve since reconciled and on a very strong path forward. But I was fortunate to at least have some inkling in the back of my mind that God really was there and He wanted me to accept His love. The OP’s husband does not, so he’s projecting his inner turmoil onto her.

I don’t have much practical advice unfortunately. I daresay it’s wise to follow others who have been there. But my long-winded point is that there is probably a kernel of truth about this being about her faith. He’s likely done something gravely wrong and repeatedly done it, and/or he’s bottled up self-loathing, aggression, self-hatred and then projecting it out on something that’s maybe been a mild nuisance to him in the past (the bigotry line for instance). I know I did it. I hated myself and every once in awhile I’d blow up, say that I have an anger issue but also honey, I really hate it when you do or say X, Y or Z.

You are in my prayers OP.

 

[Irishmom2]

I don’t believe this for a minute. A liar he is, and the one thing he knows is you will never give up your faith, so if he makes it about that, then he has the perfect out. He just wants to be free of responsibility, go back to dating, thinks he’ll have more money for himself, all that jazz … I’m still voting for the gf on the side.

I don’t believe it either. It is a handy excuse that he knows will bother you or that he thinks you may actually accept. He knows you won’t give up your faith so that is what he picked as the deal breaker for him Nope, something else is going on with him.

 

[The_Bucket]

I don’t believe it either. It is a handy excuse that he knows will bother you or that he thinks you may actually accept. He knows you won’t give up your faith so that is what he picked as the deal breaker for him Nope, something else is going on with him.

Conceivably this could be a reason for divorce. But if it were the main reason, you’d think there would be discussion about it. There would have been fights about it. There would have been major discord about it. It would not come out of left field.

 

[Lucky7]

Yeah, I’m going with another woman too…and I’m thinking the other woman is the person who has put the anti-Catholic angst in him.

This is when I think the OP should snoop. Do you have access to phone records? his email? credit card actvity? anything that would provide evidence of another woman/affair (online or otherwise)?

If this is going to end in divorce (which he is determined to have happen), get all the information you can get to help your case.

I am so sorry. I want to cry for you…and your children.

 

[daisybee]

I’m terribly sorry to hear of this.

Perhaps you might consider a novena or some prayers asking for Servant of God Elisabeth Leseur’s intercession? Her husband converted to belief in God after many years of being an aggressive atheist.

A short overview of her life is here: clairval.com/lettres/en/2011/02/22/2250211.htm

Here is a link to her journal, which her husband found after her death, and which caused him to become remorseful and reconcile with the Church:

The Secret Diary of Elisabeth Leseur: catholiccompany.com/secret-diary-elisabeth-leseur-p1003287/