My husband won't help take kids to mass

[BlueEyedLady]

Is there a strong, godly man you trust who could “talk” to him?

If I knew the guy, I’d be there with bull-whip in hand.

Sorry, this kind of thing just burns me up: men thinking they’re still men when they don’t lead their families in godliness. Men who disrespect their wives and don’t care for their children’s spiritual well-being.

And when he has an issue with her he can find a better woman to explain the situation to and have her confront his wife. Because things like that are totally great for a marriage.

Also, I know you’re angry, but this is still her husband and she still loves him, so it might be prudent to quit telling her that her husband isn’t a real man.

 

[mountee]

Many of us have had to raise our children Catholic by ourselves and can truly empathize with your situation. You have to have a conversation first with your husband which says everything to him that you have said to us. These conversations are essential to building your marriage. Secondly, continue to take your children that are ready to be in Church with you, and either leave the youngest at home or use the childcare at your parish. Pray constantly and have faith in your prayers. Set a good example of what a Catholic home should be and rejoice in the opportunity to do that. Then, one day, even if God’s plan for you is to do it alone, perhaps you will have the blessing that I have had, 2 children married in the faith raising their children Catholic. It can be done, I will pray for you. Come back whenever you want some love and support because we do care.

 

[OmniShaun]

Try an appeal to his manhood.

He’s no man if he doesn’t lead his family in godliness.

He’s no man if he insults you.

He is a child in a man’s body.

The problem with this response is that a child in a mans body will react as a child will.

He will be petulant and retaliatory.

 

[Xantippe]

As others have mentioned, there’s no obligation to take small children to Mass.

When my husband and I had two small children and had a lot of Masses locally to choose from, we went separately to Sunday Mass (it was an urban area with lots of Masses, lots of older churches, but not a single cry room). Later on (when the kids were 5 and 2) we were all going together. Initially, I spent a lot of time in the cry room with one or both kids, but at some point (6 and 3?), we were all able to be in church together. We now have a 10 year old, an 8 year old and an infant, and we all go to church together. That will probably change by the time our youngest walks and gets more vocal. I foresee that from around 1 to 3, we will need to switch to going to a parish with a cry room, but I hope to make the same transition to being together in church again.

I suggest experimenting with the kids and taking them to church by yourself in various combinations. It won’t be lost on any members of your family that Mommy looks really happy, relaxed and pretty when she comes home from church!

 

[AussieTrish]

It’s very difficult, but you just have to take them by yourself, just as I always had to. Yes, it’s lonely, and challenging to keep several children under control alone. A lot of people have to go through this so sad as it is, you’re not alone. :grouphug:

If you keep trying to pressure him, you’ll make his hostility to the Church even greater. Without faith, there’s not much point in his being there. He only dreads it so punishes you, by attacking the Church, and that will also affect the children.

You might be wise to take the pressure off him by letting him know that unless he actually offers on a particular Sunday, you won’t expect him to accompany you to Mass again. In that way you could perhaps defuse some of his hostility and resentment.

God bless you and your family.
Kindly, Trish

 

[Ophelia23]

I like the idea of leaving the children home with Dad till they are old enough to participate in the Mass.

Get dressed up, go to Mass, and enjoy it uninterupted. Get together with some girlfriends, and go out to breakfast together. Maybe run an errand or two! Enjoy some child free time to refreash yourself! It’s an excellent idea!

We will pray for your hubby, in the mean time take care of yourself!

I am no apologist and I am likely not giving this topic any justice, but with that I respectfully disagree.

When we baptize our children, we not only agree but vow to raise them in the Faith. Raising our kids to know that Mass is not optional but an integral part of Catholic living is so incredibly important. Not taking them would be, in my opinion, a definite mistake that will cause much more harm than good. Raising our children to see the Mass through all of the various stages of development is so important. Further, why would we willingly withhold our children from receiving the graces of our Lord, who is physically there for us? Even those unable to receive the Eucharist–those merely present in the church–are still receiving graces from being in the same room as our Lord. Even further, Christ himself requested the children come to him.

To the OP, I am so sorry this is happening to you. Having children in Mass is so incredibly challenging, and to see other fathers with their children in the presence of our Lord must be so sensitive on this open wound. Pray for your husband daily. You can not force this on him. I am so sorry that he is letting go of his end of the bargain–it is shameful. But, still, you can not change him. Perhaps, for now, this is your cross to bear. Please continue to take your children to Mass. Do not let the attitude of their father rub off on them in this regard.

I am praying so hard for you.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I’m new here and decided to join because I didn’t know who to talk to. Anyway, before my husband and I got married, I knew he wasn’t a practicing Catholic, but he agreed that he would always help me take the kids to mass and would let me raise them Catholic.

Fast forward four years and three kids later. My husband has slowly stopped showing any interest in helping to get the kids ready on Sundays, or just hopes I don’t bring it up. When I say it’s time to go, he sighs, rolls his eyes and makes me feel awful. He’s also become more mocking about the faith and takes opportunities to show that the Church is just full of child molesters and is a waste of time.

Also, when I told him I didn’t support gay “marriage,” he said it was “ignorant” in front of the kids. We made up and I forgave him for it, but it hurt to be talked to like that in front of the kids.

This past Sunday, he just decided not to go and left me to take three kids under three by myself. I smiled through it, wanting to cry the whole time I watched other fathers carrying their children into church.

I don’t know what to do. Thoughts and (name removed by moderator)ut are appreciated.

I’m sorry you are now going through this with your husband. You’re going to have to grow a strong spine and an outer shell. You also need to formulate a charitable response to his nasty comments about the Church and her tenets (apologetics forum comes in handy!). But the main thing is for him to understand that regardless of his personal beliefs, he CANNOT insult you in front of the children; calling their mother “ignorant” is well out of bounds. On that point, there can be no discussion. You say you made up with him - did he actually apologize for that insult?

From personal experience, other than a rabid atheist, a lapsed Catholic can be the most difficult category of critic that any other Catholic must deal with. The reason is that the lapsed Catholic knows exactly where to stir up trouble, and sometimes, has the theology down pat. They are very WRONG-minded of course, and usually are speaking out of their own personal wounding, applying those to God, to the Church, and to Catholics, when it was really the very human mistakes of their parents that are to blame.

Well, all of that doesn’t get you down the road at the moment. I would advise you to look in the mirror every morning, stand up straight and say to yourself, “No matter how my husband feels, thinks, or believes, I KNOW THE TRUTH about the Church. I will NOT let my children get lost in the weeds. I WILL RAISE THEM as faithful Catholics, with or without my husband’s help.” Repeat ad infinitum.

You are getting the bad end of the deal, no doubt. Remind him that he PROMISED, he gave his word, that he would help you and not impede the children in becoming Catholics. As with any other compromise struck before or during marriage, this is something he needs to honor, and if he is going to go back on his word now, it is an issue of TRUST that he is breaking. This will have ramifications in other areas of your marriage.

You must steel yourself and keep taking those children to Mass! Never mind watching other families; you can’t know their life situation either. Maybe that father is faking it and he doesn’t believe. Don’t compare your interior with others’ exteriors. It’s tempting to dive into self-pity, but don’t go there. Get involved in whatever ministries that you can. Meet other moms in the parish. Focus on your blessings. Be positive, but assertive about your church life! “Dear husband, I would love it if you would come to Mass with the children and me, but regardless of your choice, I am going to take them, every single Sunday.” Then, when you get home, be cheerful and positive and give him some great tidbit from the homily.

LIVING your faith is the only way forward. Pray like MAD to St. Monica! Here’s a little encouragement. My husband and I were both lapsed when we met, dated, and married. He has faked it for our sons’ sakes but is still quite lapsed, sometimes bordering on hatred for God (parents divorced, like your DH’s). Since both our sons are now mostly away at college (home some weekends and summers), he would not have to go to Mass (they are not here to see), but he does. This past weekend, we were out of town and he still checked into Mass times in the town we were staying in. It didn’t work out to go while we were there, and there was still 1 Mass left at 5:30 pm yesterday in our home parish, so I planned to go and thought for sure he would skip it. But no, he said he would go with me! This is the parish he doesn’t even care for! (More orthodox) I told him twice how nice it was that he came with me.

You’re in the right place for support, my dear sister in Christ.

:console:

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Is there a strong, godly man you trust who could “talk” to him?

If I knew the guy, I’d be there with bull-whip in hand.

Sorry, this kind of thing just burns me up: men thinking they’re still men when they don’t lead their families in godliness. Men who disrespect their wives and don’t care for their children’s spiritual well-being.

Well, to be fair, the OP knew what she was getting when she married him. Just as I knew what I was getting, and I had no problem with it, before I came back to the Church. My husband did not agree to be the spiritual leader of the home when we married civilly, or even when we finally got married in the Church. A man who has lapsed is not fit to fulfill that role in any case. Maybe they are not men in your eyes, but be fair - in their own eyes, they are being asked to fulfill a role they never agreed to.

 

[Soren_Itenu]

OK, point taken.

Forget the godliness thing, then.

But the man still agreed to raise the kids Catholic. Real men don’t go back on their promises.

Sorry I’m so angry about this, but there’s a time to be angry. Men today need to be taught how to be real men.

Love your wives, respect them, and keep your promises…or else!!
This man mocks and belittles his wife? He needs to be visited by some convincing, godly men.

If men don’t learn how to be men again, civilization is doomed.

 

[Catholicmom33]

Honestly, reading these replies has brought me more peace than I’ve felt in months. Thank you all so very much. It’s comforting to know I’m not alone. My husband has been hurt greatly in his life and that has made him angry (as in, so angry, he says he doesn’t love his mother or father, even though I tell him that’s not true.) I know he sees the faith and his upbringing as one hollow thing, so I try to keep that in mind.

I do feel like I’m with him for a reason though, and he works hard, day in and day out so I can stay home. He never yells, but if I confront him about things, he gets really defensive and won’t calmly have a discussion.

I’m taking all your suggestions to heart and definitely bothering St. Monica for a while.

 

[Soren_Itenu]

Yeah, definitely St. Monica!! She’s amazing.

And ya know what? Give the St. Joseph novena a try. Ask the superlative husband and father to help out your husband and father to your kids.

St. Joseph will teach him how to rise above his pain like a man!!

 

[Cat]

Um, leaving her husband probably wouldn’t make her kids any more likely to be Catholic. Assuming he’s a fit parent he could easily have joint custody, especially if she had to live with a relative because she couldn’t support them. And even if he doesn’t have that he’d have a lot of visitation, so the snarkiness wouldn’t stop and of course what is the likelihood that the kids would be catholic after finding out that their mother ripped their family apart over church?

Bad idea.

I didn’t say, “Leave him.” Just separate yourself from him and take the the kids somewhere where their Church will not be denigrated.

 

[The_Bucket]

Real men don’t go back on their promises.

Sorry I’m so angry about this, but there’s a time to be angry. Men today need to be taught how to be real men.

I heartily concur. And I say that as a man who has not been a man for I’d say at least half of my marriage. There are plenty of even atheist/agnostic men who go with their wives to Mass, or vice versa, because it’s important to their spouses. These are real men. Real men I wish were in the Church to add to our numbers, but real men worthy of respect.

For all those women who say “I knew what I was getting when I married him,” that may be true as far as being the spiritual leaders of the house. If you married a non-believer then you married a non-believer and you can’t expect him to be the spiritual leader. You can and should, however, expect him to respect you and your faith as you respect him and his choices. Same goes for men who married non-believing or differently believing wives. You expect to be loved, honored and cherished because, well, they are in the vows!

There’s a time and a place for someone to “call someone out” and I obviously can’t make that call in this situation or any other situation where it’s some person I’ve never met. If I got a call from the wife of a friend, however, who said my buddy was treating her like this, you best believe I’d be at his house or lighting up his phone.

This isn’t so much about the faith as it is about respect for a spouse. That’s a baseline people of all religions can agree on.

 

[LittleRose]

When I was your kids’ age my dad was a non-practicing Catholic, who had some anger issues with the Church, so I say this as an adult looking back on what benefitted me spiritually in the long term:

Please, please, please, pay no attention to people who say to leave them at home until they are 7! Take your kids to mass!!! They need to develop the habit of going twice as much, since they only have one parent to raise them in the faith. Since your husband is antagonistic to the church, your kids’ chances of remaining Catholic as adults are seriously diminished, especially if you leave them at home with him every morning to listen to his anti-Catholic tirades while you are out of the house.

You give them a better chance by taking them every week and showing them that mass attendance is important. Make sure they get well-catechized by someone who can help them respond to their father. Bring devotions into the home, as much as you can. Get bible stories adapted for kids and read to them at bedtime. Pray with your kids when you tuck them in at night. Teach them the Rosary. Probably best to do this when your husband is not in the room to scoff.

Certainly don’t ask your husband to help get them ready anymore, at least not in the presence of the kids. Get a friend or family member to come over Sunday mornings and help, if needed, but get those kids to church every week!

You have a hard road ahead of you, but your kids need you to do this for them! If you need to go to mass alone, go to daily mass the week, if your schedule permits. This may help you to keep up your spiritual strength. Go to confession regularly too. Find a good spiritual director to talk to, if you can. I think if my mother had done those things, it would have helped her a great deal, but she didn’t have anyone to make those suggestions to her at the time.

My mom took us to mass every week by herself when I was little. It was incredibly hard for her, too. Whenever I see a mother at mass without her husband, I always pray for her family, because I remember how hard it was for her to explain why we had to go, when Dad stayed home. She took us anyway, even when we were under 7 and not “required” to go. I think she felt instinctively that we needed to develop the habit in our youth, so that we would at least feel some tug in our consciences as adults to tell us we needed to maintain our relationship with God.

Even if your kids stray later in life, their early formation will follow them wherever they go. G.K Chesterton’s fictional priest, Father Brown uses the image of an invisible line binding one’s, soul to the Church. A conscience formed by the faith will be caught “with an unseen hook and an invisible line which is long enough to let him wander to the ends of the world, and still to bring him back with a twitch upon the thread.”

I am praying for you and your family.

 

[Ophelia23]

When I was your kids’ age my dad was a non-practicing Catholic, who had some anger issues with the Church, so I say this as an adult looking back on what benefitted me spiritually in the long term:

Please, please, please, pay no attention to people who say to leave them at home until they are 7! Take your kids to mass!!! They need to develop the habit of going twice as much, since they only have one parent to raise them in the faith. Since your husband is antagonistic to the church, your kids’ chances of remaining Catholic as adults are seriously diminished, especially if you leave them at home with him every morning to listen to his anti-Catholic tirades while you are out of the house.

You give them a better chance by taking them every week and showing them that mass attendance is important. Make sure they get well-catechized by someone who can help them respond to their father. Bring devotions into the home, as much as you can. Get bible stories adapted for kids and read to them at bedtime. Pray with your kids when you tuck them in at night. Teach them the Rosary. Probably best to do this when your husband is not in the room to scoff.

Certainly don’t ask your husband to help get them ready anymore, at least not in the presence of the kids. Get a friend or family member to come over Sunday mornings and help, if needed, but get those kids to church every week!

You have a hard road ahead of you, but your kids need you to do this for them! If you need to go to mass alone, go to daily mass the week, if your schedule permits. This may help you to keep up your spiritual strength. Go to confession regularly too. Find a good spiritual director to talk to, if you can. I think if my mother had done those things, it would have helped her a great deal, but she didn’t have anyone to make those suggestions to her at the time.

My mom took us to mass every week by herself when I was little. It was incredibly hard for her, too. Whenever I see a mother at mass without her husband, I always pray for her family, because I remember how hard it was for her to explain why we had to go, when Dad stayed home. She took us anyway, even when we were under 7 and not “required” to go. I think she felt instinctively that we needed to develop the habit in our youth, so that we would at least feel some tug in our consciences as adults to tell us we needed to maintain our relationship with God.

Even if your kids stray later in life, their early formation will follow them wherever they go. G.K Chesterton’s fictional priest, Father Brown uses the image of an invisible line binding one’s, soul to the Church. A conscience formed by the faith will be caught “with an unseen hook and an invisible line which is long enough to let him wander to the ends of the world, and still to bring him back with a twitch upon the thread.”

I am praying for you and your family.

I had the same experience growing up as well, but you stated it much better than I did.

 

[BillP]

Try an appeal to his manhood.

He’s no man if he doesn’t lead his family in godliness.

He’s no man if he insults you.

He is a child in a man’s body.

Right, that’ll help the OP get things sorted out!

 

[SubjectVerb]

My husband has been hurt greatly in his life and that has made him angry (as in, so angry, he says he doesn’t love his mother or father, even though I tell him that’s not true.) I know he sees the faith and his upbringing as one hollow thing, so I try to keep that in mind.

Since you said that your husband is otherwise a good father and husband, I suspect that these ill feelings he has against the church are not rooted in disrespect for the church or you, but in his issues with his parents. If your husband truly has issues with his parents and is associating these issues with Catholicism, perhaps he should try to work these issues out and separate them from the faith. In doing that, he may be able to open his heart and get the bad taste out of his mouth for the Church that he got through his parents and childhood. I feel strongly that it is okay to not associate with people that do not bring you peace, parents included. To tell him that he does love his parents when he feels like he does not does not affirm is feelings towards them. I do not have a relationship with my mother currently because of her toxicity, and after reading through several posts on CAF about people with toxic parents, I realize that this is okay and healthy.

Listen to him about his bad experiences, and reaffirm that you love him regardless of how he feels about his parents and the church. Respecting one’s parents works both ways, and they must respect him, his feelings, and recognize that they have hurt him. One can respect one’s parents by not encouraging or accepting their ill-treatment of oneself. Reading the Catechism’s part about the duties of parents might be helpful to you and your husband vatican.va/archive/ccc_css/archive/catechism/p3s2c2a4.htm. If his parents violated their duties of respect and education (and it sounds like they did) perhaps in hearing this, your husband will realize that the church understands his pain and agrees that what they did was not right.

Although my husband and I were both born Catholic, our parents did not exactly give us the best Catholic upbringing. We didn’t even know there was a Catechism until last year!

At first I felt upset with my parents (also divorced/remarried 3 times each) and the fact that they did not give me a firm upbringing in the Catholic church. My mother actually once pulled me out of CCD when the teacher said that that the church doesn’t approve of divorce I had so many questions and misunderstandings about the church my whole life, and it was only when I explored the faith for myself as an adult did I truly revert to my faith. However, as an adult, my husband and I both understand that it is ultimately OUR responsibility to understand our faith.

 

[Soren_Itenu]

The Bucket,

Glad to see another man on here. Yeah, this is a matter of respect and not faith, per se.

We need communities where men love and respect their wives, so when some dude steps out of line, the real men of the community come a-knockin’.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I didn’t say, “Leave him.” Just separate yourself from him and take the the kids somewhere where their Church will not be denigrated.

Bad advice! She has absolutely no right to do that, and our legal system would agree. If he is as loving and devoted as she says he would probably call an attorney and get a court order in place granting him joint custody until things with him and his wife get worked out.

Here are the facts: When you have children with someone, they are not your children to do with what you and only you see fit. They are in fact just as much the other parent’s children as they are yours. He does not have the right to belittle his wife, I’ll grant you that, but he actually does have the right to pass on his religious views. That’s why people need to be extremely careful in deciding who to have children with.

Trying to keep the children from him will not keep him from being the father, it will not mean that he can’t pass on his views, and it won’t mean that he doesn’t have access. What it will do is irreparable harm to their marriage even if they do eventually reconcile and make her look like a nut if he responds the way many people would-with a lawyer and divorce papers. “I had to leave to protect the children from hearing things against the Catholic church” does not hold up anywhere.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

The Bucket,

Glad to see another man on here. Yeah, this is a matter of respect and not faith, per se.

We need communities where men love and respect their wives, so when some dude steps out of line, the real men of the community come a-knockin’.

Yeah…that would result in a lot of restraining orders.

Unless it is a physically abusive situation it is a betrayal of your spouse to complain about them to someone else in hopes that person will take your side and “set them straight”. And, you know, like I said, restraining orders.