My husband won't shower regularly; I won't get close to him because of smell

[samovila]

Am I the only mom who made it to 5 p.m. or 6 p.m. in a day and said to herself, “Oh geez, I didn’t even brush my teeth yet!” I swear there were days I was so busy with the little ones that I didn’t even think about myself until the evening. Right or wrong, I made the decision to put my own personal hygene behind the needs and demands of my kiddos for a while. Even when they were napping, sometimes I chose to sit down and relax or otherwise take a moment to myself that didn’t include brushing, shaving, or washing. I realize he is only dealing with one baby, but I found the transition to one baby to be harder than the transition to two. I would give him time, encouragement, love, and sweet talk. He is still adjusting to his identity as a SAHD.

 

[FloridaWife]

I’m really surprised at all of these replies. If the situation were reversed and we were talking about a new mother who stayed home and didn’t make the time for a shower the replies wouldn’t nearly be so harsh. I just went back to work after my maternity leave so my memory is still fresh of the days when I had baby spit-up all over me and I was too tired at the end of the day for a shower, let alone pick up a razor to shave. And don’t even mention sex because taking care of an infant and a toddler and the house just doesn’t get the juices flowing. I wonder what I must have smelled like to my husband when he arrived home at the end of the day. My suggestion is to schedule a date with your husband and get all dressed up and make kissy kissy. Staying home with a baby is hard on so many levels. I don’t blame him for letting personal hygene slip. So many women do the same thing when they are home with their babies.

Thank you for your (name removed by moderator)ut, BUT when I was home on Maternity Leave for 12 weeks (and my husband was too) and I was breasfeeding every two hours 'round the clock and each feeding took 40 minutes in the beginning, and this was a job that my husband couldn’t do, I STILL showered every single day. So, I disagree. During those first 12 weeks, my husband was also home and that’s when this entire 5-days-with-no-shower started. He could have showered during one of my 40-minute breastfeeding sessions, but he chose not to. (He spends his time on the comptuer on the internet instead.) I made the effort to shower everyday, no matter if I only slept one hour that night, while the baby slept. Despite the incredible sleep deprivation and all the work that it takes to care for a newborn, I still showered and shaved every single day of my maternity leave. I would do it as the baby slept. My husband has no excuse. If a sleep-deprived breastfeeding mother can shower and shave every single day, so can he.

 

[lizaanne]

He can’t take a shower when his wife gets home and watches the baby for a few minutes?



No - this is not about a busy parent, this is about a guy who has issues that need to be dealt with that are damaging the marriage. He is making excuses for not showering that have nothing to do with being busy with parenting.

There is something going on here, and just asking for change is not going to cut it. He needs help. This marriage needs help.

~Liza

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Am I the only mom who made it to 5 p.m. or 6 p.m. in a day and said to herself, “Oh geez, I didn’t even brush my teeth yet!” I swear there were days I was so busy with the little ones that I didn’t even think about myself until the evening. Right or wrong, I made the decision to put my own personal hygene behind the needs and demands of my kiddos for a while. Even when they were napping, sometimes I chose to sit down and relax or otherwise take a moment to myself that didn’t include brushing, shaving, or washing. I realize he is only dealing with one baby, but I found the transition to one baby to be harder than the transition to two

Samovila, you sound like a delightful woman who is sweet and gives people the benefit of the doubt. The older I get and the more I see, the less I give people such benefit.

But what you wrote made me think about the early years we all face. Motherhood changes us in profound ways. But the best advice I ever ignored for too long was “Don’t neglect yourself.” Older mothers told me. Warned me. “How selfish!” thought I. The little cherub was so wonderful. How could her needs not come before my own? What kind of mother would I be not to focus on her all the time?

Self sacrifice is noble. But there is nothing noble about self-neglect. It is in our basic daily grooming and bathing rituals that we often encounter early problems that could have huge impacts on our own health. Neglecting ourselves is a disservice to the family. Eventually cherub in a few short years will be a surly middle-schooler who will go five or six days without bathing themself, but will be mortified if you drive your car on the school premises. And for 11 years or so you will have taught that child by your own example that your needs are not as important as his/hers. That you must be disregarded to care for them. That if you treat you as if you have no worth, why will you insist they treat you with respect.

Brushing your teeth holding baby who watches your every move teaches baby from an early age that it is fun. Baby will learn hygiene from you. A daily bath can be a destressor. Your time to relax for a few minutes without someone tugging on you. Let Calgon take you away. ALL babies need to be taught pretty quickly that their every demand will NOT be met immediately. Or you won’t last 20 years.

It’s the mommy trap… easy to fall into. Our love for our families makes us do it. But an empty well is useless to others. And taking time to tell ourselves our bodies and personal care is important will keep you from feeling rage and frustration someday when you realize as your teenager tells you how horrible you are that you actually gave up bathing for them and this is the reward you get?!

Bank some self-pampering for you now. You will need it someday to draw on.

The first baby is hard and the second one is easier but twice the work. The third one is just one more. By then you have it down to a science.

Remember you are important. No one else will think you are if you don’t.

 

[FloridaWife]

I’m sure she’d be happy to watch the baby for 15 minutes while he showered.

The central issue here is she has indicated to him it is important to her that he not smell like a barnyard and he is ignoring her.

The problem is, in NORMAL situations, a simple conversation between the couple takes care of the problem and mutual love and regard carries the day. Those people who live in that kind of happy marriage don’t even write here to tell us about it. CAF Family forum often gets all the people who have tried everything and stood on their heads in the corner and prayed and cried and nothing works because their situations are far outside the normal boundaries and they come here (we come here) looking for validation, advice or a sanity check on ourselves.

People in NORMAL situations don’t have to go to strangers to ask if they are off the mark because their spouses have told them being offended by a hot smelly man who hasn’t bathed for almost a week is not a problem. Or other issues equally bizarre.

ABSOLUTELY CORRECT. As soon as I come home from work, I take care of the baby full-time in the evenings and full-time on the weekends. There is AMPLE time for him to take a shower, plus when you calculate nap-times and my husband takes showers in 5-minutes, he’s got the time. You are right, that in normal situations I would talk to him about it and he would comply. The fact that he is stubborn about this and talks LOUDLY to me about it and says that I am the one that is wrong and that I’m being petty and should accept him is why I was driven to come here to look for help and validation. He’s much more interested in surfing the internet and chatting online with his 800+ Facebook friends. He was never really interested in sex throughout these past 4 years (as I did all the work and initiating when trying to get pregnant), and this is another problem. It’s all connected. I was finally driven to come here, because I really started to doubt myself.

 

[samovila]

I guess my husband and I need counseling then, too.

 

[FloridaWife]

This isn’t just about not having time or being exhausted, this is about complete apathy regarding personal hygiene, not being interested in sex, and disregard for one’s spouse. This is about someone who won’t shower, not someone who can’t.

EXACTLY. If he has time to surf the internet for hours at a time, take naps on the weekends while I do full-time babycare, and go hit golf balls when I am home, he has time to shower. This is NOT a depression issues as others suggested.

I work full-time M-F, 9-5. I commute to work. I take care of my baby full-time in the evenings and weekends. Once the baby is asleep for the night I can finally sit down. And with all that work, I shower and shave every day. He has nights and weekends off, versus I don’t. He has MUCH more free-time to shower than I do.

 

[FloridaWife]

Like I said, scheduling a date night might give him the motivation to clean up.

Yes, but, then he’ll shower for that one date, and what about all the other days? To me, the issue is deeper.

 

[FloridaWife]

Another thing…maybe this guy is just a bit lazy? Maybe he really believes that his wife is being silly? Maybe he doesn’t understand the impact it’s really having.

These 2 need to communicate a lot more.

He truly believes I am being silly. I do my share of communication, but our talks break down, like when I talk to him about the shower issue. Our talks break down because he starts talking loudly and cuts me off and doesn’t let me talk. I can never finish a sentence. What do I do? Just keep trying to talk to him and get cut-off again? Keep talking to him as he surfs the internet? I ask him, “honey, let’s sit down on the couch and talk.” He’ll say, “no, you can talk to me here.” (This is while he’s on the internet.) I’ll say, “please.” He’ll say, “no, tell me what it is.” Then I try to talk to him while he’s still staring at the screen. Then he cuts me off and says I am being silly about this shower situation.

 

[samovila]

I The problem is, in NORMAL situations, a simple conversation between the couple takes care of the problem and mutual love and regard carries the day. Those people who live in that kind of happy marriage don’t even write here to tell us about it. CAF Family forum often gets all the people who have tried everything and stood on their heads in the corner and prayed and cried and nothing works because their situations are far outside the normal boundaries and they come here (we come here) looking for validation, advice or a sanity check on ourselves.

People in NORMAL situations don’t have to go to strangers to ask if they are off the mark because their spouses have told them being offended by a hot smelly man who hasn’t bathed for almost a week is not a problem. Or other issues equally bizarre.

Likewise, those people out there who NORMALLY only shower every 5 days when they don’t go to work aren’t going to post here to validate her husband’s behavior. Who says a daily shower is normal? Common, yes. I don’t want to make sparks fly in hot-topic fashion here. I just wanted to add my perspective. I had a totally different take when I read the original post.

 

[RazzsMom]

I hate to bring this up, but I wonder if he has sexuality issues? There are truly people who are a-sexual or latent homosexual.

In addition to the advice and (name removed by moderator)ut given here already, I want to add that this is a serious health risk to himself and to you and the baby. I may be a teensy-bit of a germophobe, but I would worry about staph and strep as well as all the viruses (H1N1 anybody??) that exist. Personal hygeine is more than about smelling nice (although that is the sweet benefit!).

These are just MHO as a healthcare professional. And one more item: even if he won’t go, maybe you can go to a counselor to explore some of the reasons why he treats you like this and why you have been accepting of it. I don’t only mean the bathing, but the refusal of intimacy and lovemaking as well as his refusal to interact with you and choosing internet “friends” over the real, living, breathing wife.

God Bless you as you try to deal with this and I pray for you. I think it is wonderful that you are seeking a Godly and Catholic way.

 

[samovila]

He truly believes I am being silly. I do my share of communication, but our talks break down, like when I talk to him about the shower issue. Our talks break down because he starts talking loudly and cuts me off and doesn’t let me talk. I can never finish a sentence. What do I do? Just keep trying to talk to him and get cut-off again? Keep talking to him as he surfs the internet? I ask him, “honey, let’s sit down on the couch and talk.” He’ll say, “no, you can talk to me here.” (This is while he’s on the internet.) I’ll say, “please.” He’ll say, “no, tell me what it is.” Then I try to talk to him while he’s still staring at the screen. Then he cuts me off and says I am being silly about this shower situation.

And then when you keep it up, you’ll get accused of nagging. Sigh Been there, done that. My trick is to find other ways of motivating my DH. But in the end you can’t make someone do what they don’t want to do.

 

[FloridaWife]

Am I the only mom who made it to 5 p.m. or 6 p.m. in a day and said to herself, “Oh geez, I didn’t even brush my teeth yet!” Even when they were napping, sometimes I chose to sit down and relax or otherwise take a moment to myself that didn’t include brushing, shaving, or washing.

Hmmmm… I have to brush my teeth in the morning, at least after breakfast. I would be sooooooo uncomfortable going THAT long without brushing my teeth or showering. While on Maternity Leave, as soon as my baby took his first nap of the day, I would run to the shower. My need to shower and feel clean trumps any desire to sit and relax. I mean, you did what works for you, but that would not work for me. I’ve even baby-worn my baby to the sink so that I can brush my teeth. I’ve even baby-worn him to the toilet many a time as I sat there and took care of my needs.

 

[FloridaWife]

Who says a daily shower is normal? Common, yes. I just wanted to add my perspective. I had a totally different take when I read the original post.

You have done a great job adding your perspective. Thank you. And I suppose skipping ONE day of showering would be fine, but not 3, 4, 5 days. And he doesn’t brush his teethg everyday which creates pungent smell for me.

 

[FloridaWife]

I hate to bring this up, but I wonder if he has sexuality issues? There are truly people who are a-sexual or latent homosexual.

I don’t only mean the bathing, but the refusal of intimacy and lovemaking as well as his refusal to interact with you and choosing internet “friends” over the real, living, breathing wife.

God Bless you as you try to deal with this and I pray for you. I think it is wonderful that you are seeking a Godly and Catholic way.

There’s such a thing as a-sexual? I will have to study this. Abstaining until marriage I understood, but in those first few months of marriage it was bizarre to me that he wasn’t approaching me for sex. It was bizarre to me that I had to initiate.

Thank you for your kind words at the end there. God bless you too. I am trying to do all things in a Godly and Catholic way.

 

[lizaanne]

I hate to bring this up, but I wonder if he has sexuality issues?

I have been thinking this as well. It sounds as if he is using the hygiene issue as a way to prevent having sex. He knows that if he’s stinky she won’t get near him, so it’s a perfect way to keep sex at a minimum.

I’m so sorry FloridaWife - I hope you are getting some good advice here. Mostly that it is not you that has the problem, but being in a sacramental marriage means his problem is indeed yours.

I will keep you both in my prayers.

~Liza

 

[Serap]

FloridaWife, you sound like a very nice woman, but I think you already had your mind made up before coming to CAF. You have been saying EXACTLY to the posts that you agree with and dismissing the posts that don’t validate you.

I think CAF is not always a good tool to sort out our problems. Be careful when asking for advice on CAF. I don’t ask for marriage advice on CAF and I try not to indulge personal info about my marriage on CAF b/c it can be potentially dangerous.

Again, you seem really lovely and I am in no way trying to hurt your feelings. I’m just trying to caution you about CAF advice

 

[yessisan]

Once we were married, he had an interest in making love to me, but not as much as I would have thought. He would rather surf the internet. .

Am I the only one that noticed this? This jumps with HUGE red flags at me. I have a husband who has a problem with porn, so maybe I’m being biased here. But many men who have problems like porn, will actually change their hygene behavior, their behavior towards their wives, and of course, interest on being intimate with their wives because porn leads to masturbation.

My DH, before we got married, and I had no idea he’d do this, would call in sick to work, ad stay in front of the computer all day long to watch that junk. He wouldn’t shower, wouldn’t eat. I found this out when I found porn in our home computer and I confronted him. Do you think your DH could be watching porn? You mentioned his use of the computer more than once, so that really jumps red flags at me.

So you know, my DH is a Jehovah’s Witness and would preach all the time about how bad pornography was, yet he was all into it then. Now he has no access to internet w/o my code or to tv movies since I have put a code on that too. He knows if he does it again our marriage is done. Anyway, where I was getting at is that behavior like your husband’s could mean he’s using porn, but it could also be depression as well. (my major in college was psychology and my minor was human sexuality so I have some background knowledge of all of that).

 

[shannyk]

I have been thinking this as well. It sounds as if he is using the hygiene issue as a way to prevent having sex. He knows that if he’s stinky she won’t get near him, so it’s a perfect way to keep sex at a minimum.

~Liza

You know I think this may be just exactly the case…especially after you said this FLorida

He’s much more interested in surfing the internet and chatting online with his 800+ Facebook friends. He was never really interested in sex throughout these past 4 years (as I did all the work and initiating when trying to get pregnant), and this is another problem. It’s all connected. I was finally driven to come here, because I really started to doubt myself.

This is really a huge red flag to me.

I really wouldn’t be so quick to dismiss the depression though, or other mental health issue, because some people with depression can find it in them to ‘keep up appearances’ for instance as you said, to go out on a date night, or for golf outing etc. My mother was like this my entire childhood, she was in her room for days at a time, didn’t come out, didn’t’ shower or even eat sometimes, certainly wasn’t giving us kids proper attention, but when something social came up she was a different person entirely. It really fooled people and has to this day. In any case, I wouldn’t rule out some kind of depression or anxiety issue, fear of getting close to you ‘that way’, maybe a trust issue? could he have been abused as a child? These are just things coming to mind, for you to consider, I’m not saying his behavior suggests any of these things are for certain the cause.

Having said that, with all the attention he’s paying to facebook and his MANY ‘friends’, how well is he caring for your child? being a SAH father is not akin to babysitting, he should be paying the child plenty of attention. I hope he is.

 

[FloridaWife]

Am I the only one that noticed this? Do you think your DH could be watching porn? You mentioned his use of the computer more than once, so that really jumps red flags at me.

No, no porn. his computer is out in the open for me to see. He is a political news junkie. He goes from one political story to another to another. He lives and breathes politics. The occasional outings that he has in the evenings (when he showers) are to go to political functions. Thank you for your (name removed by moderator)ut, though.

I’m sorry about YOUR situation, though. It’s so sad that your situation is to the point in which you had to put a code on the computer and TV! That’s too bad that it has to be that way.