My husband won't shower regularly; I won't get close to him because of smell

[whatevergirl]

*Hi Floridawife…

Just curious, have you ever done a quick review of the internet site history, when he’s off of the computer? Might be worth just knowing for your own peace of mind. Please know your marriage is in my prayers, and that you and your husband can come to a compromise of sorts.

I will say this, when my son gets deeply involved with a video game that he plays with friends (he has a headset and can communicate with them online, don’t ask lol) he ‘forgets’ to take the garbage out, do his homework (we have had to take the video games away for a short time until he gets refocused) and even…SHOWER! I don’t know why I didn’t think about it…when I first saw this thread…

It is worth checking the internet history…*

 

[EricDavis73]

@ Nom the Wise - I really applaud you putting it all out there for everyone to read. I hope FloridaWife reads it and gets an insight into our male psyche.

@ FloridaWife - Regardless of where he’s going on the 'net, or what he’s looking at (or what he’s doing while looking at it), you are describing addictive behavior, pure and simple. Just as whatevergirl said, it’s easy for certain personalities (myself included) to get wrapped up in a game or social network/politics, etc. If he’s depressed on top of it (which I agree with the other posters that he probably is), the addiction becomes more powerful than anything else in his life. Think about it - he won’t even talk to you without ‘using’ at the same time. It’s dulling his pain/disappointment/anger/etc.

I’m not sure what else to offer that hasn’t been offered in previous posts, but I certainly second all of the great advice so far, especially getting him counseling.

If you need a more drastic intervention, you can always ‘forget’ to pay the internet/cable bill and unplug him. I’ve also heard that house gnomes have a particular fascination with unplugging and hiding the cables from the computer to the modem…

 

[whatevergirl]

*Yes, I also think that Nom hits a lot of good points. I said earlier on in this thread, that I think not showering is the husband’s way of being a little passive aggressive. I think that SAHD’s should not be looked down upon in our society. If Floridawife is making considerably more money than her husband was…how silly, for her husband to be the one to work, what work two jobs …so he can keep his pride in tact? If you made less than him, or you made equal, and your husband had to work two jobs, it’s one thing. My utmost admiration for men doing this for their families. But, if you are making considerably more, I think it’s foolish that your husband would go out to work, and most likely would have to work long hours, maybe not seeing you and your child enough, so he can keep his ego in check. Marriage is about sacrifice, and it’s about doing things sometimes that we don’t want to do. Your husband should be grateful that he can be home with his/your child, and that you all can be together often, because your job affords to pay the bills, etc…It’s all in how someone chooses to look at something. Life is too short to get upset over labels that society places on us.

I mean, partly of what is to blame is the frowning upon men who are SAHD’s in our society. If this is a situation that works for the individual family, then that is all that matters. Now, if he is resentful of it…or depressed over it…obviously, it’s NOT working. But, being that he won’t talk to his wife about this, we don’t know exactly what’s happening here. I just wanted to point out that there is nothing shameful about a man staying home with his child(ren) if his wife makes more money than him. I was grateful to be a SAHM, when our kids were younger, but that isn’t a situation that works for everyone. I think that if men were not frowned upon and thought of as ‘Mr Mom’ in these instances, then less men would struggle with their identities. BUT…that being said, I realize that men perhaps are ‘wired’ to a degree to see themselves through their job. But, FW’s husband needs to at least admit where he is unhappy, so they can move forward. Right now, as long as he continues like this, they will be stuck.

*]

Now, if I had to talk like that to my husband, that would be really bizarre, no woman wants to be a mother to her husband. So, I feel for you Floridawife, because it sounds like your husband’s behavior has really disrupted your marriage. I pray that things get better, and that he at least shares with you what’s in his head.

God bless!**

 

[whatevergirl]

@ Nom the Wise - I really applaud you putting it all out there for everyone to read. I hope FloridaWife reads it and gets an insight into our male psyche.

@ FloridaWife - Regardless of where he’s going on the 'net, or what he’s looking at (or what he’s doing while looking at it), you are describing addictive behavior, pure and simple. Just as whatevergirl said, it’s easy for certain personalities (myself included) to get wrapped up in a game or social network/politics, etc. If he’s depressed on top of it (which I agree with the other posters that he probably is), the addiction becomes more powerful than anything else in his life. Think about it - he won’t even talk to you without ‘using’ at the same time. It’s dulling his pain/disappointment/anger/etc.

I’m not sure what else to offer that hasn’t been offered in previous posts, but I certainly second all of the great advice so far, especially getting him counseling.

If you need a more drastic intervention, you can always ‘forget’ to pay the internet/cable bill and unplug him. I’ve also heard that house gnomes have a particular fascination with unplugging and hiding the cables from the computer to the modem…

*Yes, not paying the cable bill would be one way to get a message across. But, then again that would be fighting passive aggressive behavior WITH passive aggressive behavior.

I’m praying that your husband just stops to talk with you, and shares with you what is wrong.*

 

[EricDavis73]

*Yes, not paying the cable bill would be one way to get a message across. But, then again that would be fighting passive aggressive behavior WITH passive aggressive behavior.

I’m praying that your husband just stops to talk with you, and shares with you what is wrong.*

Very true on the passive-aggressive call. To clarify also, I didn’t mean to imply your son had an addictive personality - sorry if it came across that way.

I guess, now that I think about it, I’m a SAHD myself. I work from home and the wife has had to take a full-time job since my business tanked (hence my other thread about relocating to Chicago). It is hard at times - I don’t think I’m naturally ‘wired’ to be as patient, kind and considerate toward my sons as my wife is.

Don’t know where I’m going as I’ve lost my train of thought. I just hope he unplugs from his virtual life and plugs back into his real one. Virtual hobbies can destroy real-life relationships if the priorities get mixed up.

 

[Nom_the_Wise]

I agree wholeheartedly with what whatevergirl has written above, and thank EricDavis73 for his applause. I bow.

My wife made double what I made when I was teaching college, and I came close to equaling it when I had three jobs. But my wife made sure to *remind me *on countless occasions that she made double what I made, and once admitted to me that her dearest hope was that one day I would find a job and make more than her. That contributed to my own depression as well (and I still maintain that my depression has been circumstantial rather than chronic. I haven’t always been depressed). Despite being unemployed for a while (involuntarily) I loved the time I spent with my son. But my wife resented that she was the only one working and her hints became less and less subtle. I’m thinking of FloridaWife’s post where she said that she went back to work after only three months of maturnity leave. I wonder, FloridaWife, if you’re not also secretly resentful of being the one working. I could be wrong but it’s something to consider.

I just think it’s fascinating that FloridaWife hasn’t yet (over 7 pages of posts) mentioned what her husband did. My wife often complained to her friends and family about my hygeine without mentioning my suffering to them; it was easy for them to take her side. I suppose over time there was a disconnect. My wife sometimes would acknowledge all I’d been through, and admit that it scared her to confront my grief with me. I think a husband’s weakness scares a wife to the core. And even that contributed to my own depression.

And I just wanted to clarify that even though I didn’t shower, I took care of “the essentials;” what my wife called taking “bird baths.” Teeth, pits and “stuff.” It’s strange but the bird baths took as long as a regular shower would, so I wonder about my aversion to just getting under the showerhead and have done with it. Hmm. I’m off to work in a little bit, so I must sign off so I can take my shower!

 

[Peacefulwishes]

Nom is wise, indeed.

I agree, depression is likely the culprit. But to solve the depression you must find out why he’s depressed. I think Nom might have it spot on.

I hope the two of you are able to work through this, and soon. Hugs to you!

 

[Sr_Sally]

Nothing any one says here can really help this situation. It seems to me that you need someone in-person there who can speak to your husband with you or for you. Afew things I’d do: make him a doctor’s appointment for a full physical–also speak to your priest and ask for advice. He may want to speak to both of you or may be able to suggest a counselor who can meet with you. There are many issues here–your work roles, the internet, his lack of interest in sex, your patterns of conversation, and possibly least of all his hygiene. If you are looking for the saintly thing to do, it would be to care about the possible underlying reasons for his behavior and do what you can to get help for them. I will be praying for your family.

 

[Island_Oak]

ABSOLUTELY CORRECT. As soon as I come home from work, I take care of the baby full-time in the evenings and full-time on the weekends… He’s much more interested in surfing the internet and chatting online with his 800+ Facebook friends. He was never really interested in sex throughout these past 4 years (as I did all the work and initiating when trying to get pregnant), and this is another problem…

…Our talks break down because he starts talking loudly and cuts me off and doesn’t let me talk. I can never finish a sentence. What do I do? Just keep trying to talk to him and get cut-off again? Keep talking to him as he surfs the internet? I ask him, “honey, let’s sit down on the couch and talk.” He’ll say, “no, you can talk to me here.” (This is while he’s on the internet.) I’ll say, “please.” He’ll say, “no, tell me what it is.” Then I try to talk to him while he’s still staring at the screen. Then he cuts me off and says I am being silly about this shower situation.

There’s such a thing as a-sexual? I will have to study this. Abstaining until marriage I understood, but in those first few months of marriage it was bizarre to me that he wasn’t approaching me for sex. It was **bizarre **to me that I had to initiate…

Am I the only one that noticed this? This jumps with HUGE red flags at me…You mentioned his use of the computer more than once, so that really jumps red flags at me…

He can surf the internet non-stop and interact with his 800+ Facebook friends all evening and all weekend because that’s when I’m home. He gives our son good attention when he’s solo at home. The computer is on, though, so he sneaks over on occasion from what I’ve witnessed. Still, though, the entire time that I was home on maternity leave recovering from a C-section he wouldn’t help me lift the baby because he was so busy on the internet…

Well, after reading all of these responses, I gotta say that "Mr Mom" has found his way to assert himself, and he’s not gonna back down.

I think there are libido issues, but I also think there are issues with this arrangement of who’s working and who’s staying home. If he really embraced his SAHD role, he wouldn’t let FloridaMom just take over in the evenings and weekends. I’m not sure he’s happy with this arrangement. Not clinically depressed, but not happy…

@ FloridaWife - Regardless of where he’s going on the 'net, or what he’s looking at (or what he’s doing while looking at it), you are describing addictive behavior, pure and simple. Just as whatevergirl said, it’s easy for certain personalities (myself included) to get wrapped up in a game or social network/politics, etc.** If he’s depressed on top of it** (which I agree with the other posters that he probably is), the addiction becomes more powerful than anything else in his life. Think about it - he won’t even talk to you without ‘using’ at the same time. It’s dulling his pain/disappointment/anger/etc…

Nothing any one says here can really help this situation. It seems to me that you need someone in-person there who can speak to your husband with you or for you. A few things I’d do: make him a doctor’s appointment for a full physical–also speak to your priest and ask for advice. He may want to speak to both of you or may be able to suggest a counselor who can meet with you. There are many issues here–your work roles, the internet, his lack of interest in sex, your patterns of conversation, and possibly least of all his hygiene. If you are looking for the saintly thing to do, it would be to care about the possible underlying reasons for his behavior and do what you can to get help for them. I will be praying for your family.

Florida Mom: Checked in on this thread and agree with Sr. Sally that there are many serious issues here…the showering perhaps a small manifestation of just how disturbed and unbalanced your husband has become. I’m quite amazed that you were pushing him to get pregnant given how disfunctional your marital relationship was.

Bottom line~You can no longer wait this out. We now have over four years of seriously abnormal behaviour with no sign of improvement. At this point, honestly, I would give my spouse a deadline~whether it be going to a doctor’s appointment, meeting with a counselor… and if he refused to discuss, listen, compromise and take action, I would find another place to live temporarily. Perhaps family or friend. This is no way to live and your husband is exhibiting at best addictive behaviour and at worst, some very mentally unbalanced tendencies. I would not leave a child alone with him.

I am NOT advocating divorce, but sending a VERY strong, clear message that his behaviour in many respects is not normal nor tolerable and has to be addressed NOW. I’m very sorry for this situation in which you find yourself. Make sure you have some support~perhaps a priest or other counselor. I expect that you have a long road in front of you.

 

[Phemie]

*Hi Floridawife…

Just curious, have you ever done a quick review of the internet site history, when he’s off of the computer? Might be worth just knowing for your own peace of mind. Please know your marriage is in my prayers, and that you and your husband can come to a compromise of sorts.

I will say this, when my son gets deeply involved with a video game that he plays with friends (he has a headset and can communicate with them online, don’t ask lol) he ‘forgets’ to take the garbage out, do his homework (we have had to take the video games away for a short time until he gets refocused) and even…SHOWER! I don’t know why I didn’t think about it…when I first saw this thread…

It is worth checking the internet history…*

If they’re really trying to hide things they’ll erase the history. They rarely remember to delete the ‘temporary internet cache’.

 

[Sierrah]

Well I’m not married but I’m the same as you with odors. Can’t tollerate them. Nothing turns me off more in fact. You’ve told him how you felt and that didn’t change his perspective …maybe try it from the angle of general good hygene. I mean he’s a dad now and has to set a good example for his child. If his attitude continues he may end up with a child that’s sick all the time or who is being sent home from school for bad hygene habits. Also he could pass something on the the child not meaning too. I think he’s just being lazy and maybe uses it all as an excuse not to be intimate. Maybe his sex drive just went down hill and it’s an avoidence technique. There could be as many reasons as there are stars in the sky. I would keep talking to him and remind him that when he got married two became one his body is no longer completely his own. That you have a right to request certain things the same way he does. Point out it wouldn’t kill him to take a five minute shower everyday if only so there’s peace of mind in the house. He can be chivilras enough to do that much at least…I would hope. Say something like “Honey I know you don’t feel the need to shower but could you do it for me.” Maybe say a pray to St. Jude too. He’s the patron saint of lost causes.

 

[ghssd]

trade9shoes.com

 

[JPUSC]

Get some axe body spray.

 

[Phemie]

Get some axe body spray.

Oh, no! I just flashed back to grade nine and my teacher who didn’t wash and doused himself in perfume to mask the smell – YUCK!!!

 

[shannyk]

WHAT DID YOUR HUSBAND DO FOR A LIVING?

I saw this thread days ago, and was tempted to contribute, but then I thought I’d be torn to shreds so I abstained. I keep getting drawn back here for some reason, and the one thing I’ve noticed while I’ve been lurking is that never once has it been said what FloridaWife’s husband did for a living before becoming a SAHD. (I hesitate to point this out, but oh what the hell, I’m doomed anyway–if you pronounce SAHD it sounds like “sad.” )

So what did your husband do, FloridaWife? What were/are his dreams and aspirations? Has he failed at any of them? I say this because (deep breath) **I was a husband that didn’t shower regularly for a long time **. Yes that’s right, me, Nom the Wise (aka Nom with Flies). My wife and I are seperated now. We have an almost 3-year-old son. I was unemployed for about 6 months last year, but our marital troubles began long before unemployment.

The reason I ask this about your husband is that many men get great self-fulfilment by what they do for a living (I’m not saying women don’t, but it’s different for a man). You have continually flat-out dismissed that your husband is depressed. He is. It may not be chronic, it may not need medication, but it’s depression. I was there. Actually, since my wife and I seperated, I’m there again but that’s another issue. At least when I don’t shower now my wife doesn’t have to smell it.

The only reason I’m providing the narrative is to point out that not showering everyday is only the tip of the flames, NOT the base of the fire. I felt DEAD inside. The love for my son is the only thing that made me eventually go back to work in security, to bring something home while I applied for other jobs. A man wants to leave his children a Legacy. Maybe not all men, but I certainly do. It might be irrational, but it’s real.

Why hasn’t it ever come up what your husband did? Passive agressive behavior? Maybe. A cry for help? Certainly. He may not be watching porn on that computer, but believe you me, he’s masturbating. It can be a compulsion for a man that feels no pleasure. He may be able to smile and chat with friends but that doesn’t make him not depressed.

I’m truly not trying to shift any pity (or anger) at me, but to provide myself as a concrete illustration. As a last thought, I would ask you to consider where has your husband failed at life? All men fail. All people fail. What was he? What did he always want to be? Has he failed? Different men mourn differently than other men, and you can’t always tell that we are (unless you can smell our armpits from a distance–then you know). Sometimes we don’t even know what it is, or how to explain it.

Okay. Open fire.

Nom not sure why you think you’d be flamed for this but flames won’t come from me. I think you’re dead on right.

Florida wife I hope you will take this more seriously, the depression issue and the possible roots of it. It’s only fair to your husband and your child. I don’t think he’s likely to be able to take adequate care of him/her at this point in time.

Nearly every person on this thread thinks your husbands behavior sounds like that of someone with depression. Maybe you are too close to the situation and too used to the behavior to see it for what it is. This is when a 3rd part professionals opinion should be sought.

 

[Lucania]

Staying home with a baby is hard on so many levels. I don’t blame him for letting personal hygene slip. So many women do the same thing when they are home with their babies.

5 days is more than a slip. I was a SAHM for many years & found time for a quick shower. I had one child. When she started kindergarten I took care of 4 children ages 3 months to 4 years. It can be done, even if you wait to shower before bedtime. But I do agree with other poster’s that he may be depressed.

 

[SophieG]

He may be able to smile and chat with friends but that doesn’t make him not depressed.

This is very very very true. People who are depressed are good at faking it. Admitting you are depressed means admitting that you have failed once again. It’s not something people do easily or voluntarily. Please get help for your husband.

 

[antonabe]

As mentioned by me in my previous post after reading the numerous posts which followed ,I reterate that the best way to solve this problem of depression which I would like to call failure complex, is to discuss with your Husband and consider the possibility of him working again.It is not easy to hang around your home most part of the day and change of environment meeting friends at work,the work itself will bring about a change in his life.Of course the downside of it is that you will need a baby sitter.

 

[Galnextdoor]

Here is something to think about. When I was married, my husband would tell me I had bad breath, he would tell me I was overweight and unattractive, he would tell me I didn’t know how to kiss, etc. He didn’t want to have sex with me. I was the one who always initiated sex. (I know I didn’t smell. One time I had just came from having a bath when he told me I smelled. Nobody else could smell anything bad about me.)

He finally told me that he didn’t like to kiss, and he rather masturbate than have sex. He said it was quick and easy gratification without all the work.

I would try to discover if this was your husband’s problem. He could be addicted to masturbation.

 

[LucyK]

I don’t have any advice for you but I can sympathize slightly: my husband doesn’t brush his teeth regularly and doesn’t believe he has “morning breath.”