My husband

[DoYouKnow]

Hi,

I’m new here. I’m new to marriage (6 months) and to sex as well.

I remained a virgin until my wedding night due to my Catholic upbringing and of course out of respect for my future (now) husband.

We have very good communication, and upon talking came up the subject of masterbation. I was always taught that is was wrong and a sin, even when having sex inside a marriage.

Is this true?

 

[mommysedso]

I am not sure what other people would say but this is what I was once heard from a priest during an RCIA class (I am a cradle-catholic but I attended the classes as a refresher). The reason that masturbation is seen as wrong is because it implies that you are doing it alone without your spouse involved. This is a very self-centered thing that is revolving around what makes YOU feel good and that is all you are concerned about. You are not sharing emotionally, physically, spiritually with your spouse. You can concentrate on what you need alone and not worry about the other persons feelings, mood, etc. This is not something that will help mature your marriage. The priest went on to say that when used with a spouse as foreplay, etc. (perhaps a time when one is not able to have sex…etc.) then there is nothing wrong with it. Because you are doing it together and in emotionally, physically, spiritually way with your spouse.

 

[Seatuck]

I am not sure what other people would say but this is what I was once heard from a priest during an RCIA class (I am a cradle-catholic but I attended the classes as a refresher). The reason that masturbation is seen as wrong is because it implies that you are doing it alone without your spouse involved. This is a very self-centered thing that is revolving around what makes YOU feel good and that is all you are concerned about. You are not sharing emotionally, physically, spiritually with your spouse. You can concentrate on what you need alone and not worry about the other persons feelings, mood, etc. This is not something that will help mature your marriage. The priest went on to say that when used with a spouse as foreplay, etc. (perhaps a time when one is not able to have sex…etc.) then there is nothing wrong with it. Because you are doing it together and in emotionally, physically, spiritually way with your spouse.

I may not be reading you right but a couple should not engage in heavy foreplay if there is no intention for intercourse any time soon. It is not permitted to bring each other to orgasm with no intention for intercourse.That’s what I think you said up there correct me if I’m wrong. No way is that allowed. That is masturbation. If you can’t have sex for serious reasons you don’t stimulate the sexual organs much. Touching each other in an attempt to lovingly prepare each other for intercourse is allowed and encouraged. A wife seeking satisfaction through touches preferably from her husband is allowed if he unfortunately climaxes before she does. The couple should be attempting to climax together but this can be difficult to do. Husband needs to work on it. The couple needs to work on their communication so that this might be achieved.If the husband is not attempting to help his wife she can do what needs to be done if she is frustrated but it is not to be a regular practice.

You can look at the two books I recommended and also Love and Responsibilty by Karol Wojtyla.( John Paul 2)

 

[Seatuck]

Hi,

I’m new here. I’m new to marriage (6 months) and to sex as well.

I remained a virgin until my wedding night due to my Catholic upbringing and of course out of respect for my future (now) husband.

We have very good communication, and upon talking came up the subject of masterbation. I was always taught that is was wrong and a sin, even when having sex inside a marriage.

Is this true?

Two good Catholic books for you to look at-

The Good News about Sex and Marriage by Christopher West

Holy Sex by Greg Popcak

 

[captaingator85]

The Good News about Sex and Marriage by Christopher West

My fiance and I read this book during our engagement, and it completely changed our relationship and our life. Christopher West is a brilliant Catholic thinking and has done great things as a part of the Theology of the Body Institute. After reading it together, we committed ourselves to chastity for life (there is chastity inside marriage too, the book explains). You can see him here (and several other places on youtube): youtube.com/watch?v=dFw1VjuQvDI

My advice to you, is to read the above mentioned book (found here: amazon.com/Good-News-About-Sex-Marriage/dp/1569552142) which gives a fantastic explanation on the subject of masturbation. The rest of the book contains a mountain of knowledge about how to build a beautiful, holy, fulfilling sexual relationship with your spouse.

 

[Cat]

I may not be reading you right but a couple should not engage in heavy foreplay if there is no intention for intercourse any time soon. It is not permitted to bring each other to orgasm with no intention for intercourse.That’s what I think you said up there correct me if I’m wrong. No way is that allowed. That is masturbation. If you can’t have sex for serious reasons you don’t stimulate the sexual organs much. Touching each other in an attempt to lovingly prepare each other for intercourse is allowed and encouraged. A wife seeking satisfaction through touches preferably from her husband is allowed if he unfortunately climaxes before she does. The couple should be attempting to climax together but this can be difficult to do. Husband needs to work on it. The couple needs to work on their communication so that this might be achieved.If the husband is not attempting to help his wife she can do what needs to be done if she is frustrated but it is not to be a regular practice.

You can look at the two books I recommended and also Love and Responsibilty by Karol Wojtyla.( John Paul 2)

Boldface mine–DoYouKnow, my husband and I have been married for 30 years this summer. There is no reason for a husband and wife to work on climaxing together. I would say in the 30 years that we’ve been married, it’s happened two or three times, and frankly, it’s not any big deal. Climaxing separately allows us to concentrate on our loved one’s pleasure rather than our own pleasure.

Also, many MANY women, over 80% CANNOT climax from intercourse alone, but must have some sort of digital (fingers) or oral (mouth) stimulation from the husband. So this would make it impossible to climax together.

My husband and I have discovered that things work best if I climax first, and then him. He has learned to delay his climax until I am satisfied. I’m sure your husband will learn, too, but it does take a while. For a man, sex is like a big bang, while for a woman, sex is more like a slow burn. Your husband will discover that pleasing you is the biggest pleasure that he can experience.

One more hint–sometimes foreplay for a woman starts early in the morning, continues in the afternoon, through the early evening, and finally leads to intercourse. For that reason, I disagree that you shouldn’t stimulate the sexual organs much. All-day teasing is a great way for a woman to get in the mood for sex! (Believe me, a man usually doesn’t need all-day teasing–a few minutes is enough to get him ready to rock and roll!). I tell my husband that I really enjoy 12 hours of foreplay! I don’t consider it “masturbation” if it leads to intercourse eventually.

Have fun. Believe me, the best is yet to come!

 

[Seatuck]

Boldface mine–DoYouKnow, my husband and I have been married for 30 years this summer. There is no reason for a husband and wife to work on climaxing together. I would say in the 30 years that we’ve been married, it’s happened two or three times, and frankly, it’s not any big deal. Climaxing separately allows us to concentrate on our loved one’s pleasure rather than our own pleasure.

Also, many MANY women, over 80% CANNOT climax from intercourse alone, but must have some sort of digital (fingers) or oral (mouth) stimulation from the husband. So this would make it impossible to climax together.

My husband and I have discovered that things work best if I climax first, and then him. He has learned to delay his climax until I am satisfied. I’m sure your husband will learn, too, but it does take a while. For a man, sex is like a big bang, while for a woman, sex is more like a slow burn. Your husband will discover that pleasing you is the biggest pleasure that he can experience.

One more hint–sometimes foreplay for a woman starts early in the morning, continues in the afternoon, through the early evening, and finally leads to intercourse. For that reason, I disagree that you shouldn’t stimulate the sexual organs much. All-day teasing is a great way for a woman to get in the mood for sex! (Believe me, a man usually doesn’t need all-day teasing–a few minutes is enough to get him ready to rock and roll!). I tell my husband that I really enjoy 12 hours of foreplay! I don’t consider it “masturbation” if it leads to intercourse eventually.

Have fun. Believe me, the best is yet to come!

Who am I to argue with the man who would be Pope? Seriously it is part of church teaching. Love and Responsibility the book by Karol Wojtyla explains it well. He follows up on the topic in Theology of the Body. It gives a fuller sign of the meaning of the marital act which is as you know a reflection of the Eucharist in which there is total surrender to the gift. I’ve seen several other church writers remark on it as well.

I said that the sexual organs should not be being stimulated if there is no intention for intercourse such as it is a fertile day and the couple is TTA. You are correct that some women do take a lot more foreplay. Touching is ok as long as there is intent to follow up with intercourse in a reasonable amount of time. Four days from now when I won’t be fertile is not a reasonable amount of time to be stimulating for.

 

[Seatuck]

I should amend my post. Church teaching does not require for couples to always climax at the same time. Many church writers strongly encourage it and put it out there as the ideal. I wouldn’t sweat it if it never happens. Just keep practicing with that end in mind.

 

[TLM08]

Hi,

I’m new here. I’m new to marriage (6 months) and to sex as well.

I remained a virgin until my wedding night due to my Catholic upbringing and of course out of respect for my future (now) husband.

We have very good communication, and upon talking came up the subject of masterbation. I was always taught that is was wrong and a sin, even when having sex inside a marriage.

Is this true?

Masturbation can be (but not always) an extremely complicated topic. I believe that a sane approach is called for. Our sexual capacity should be reserved for marriage as the church teaches. That said, not everyone is well suited for marriage.

This might upset some readers, but I think honesty is called for just as just much as sanity. Not many singles can live in total celibacy for any great length of time so unless they are having sex with their dates, masturbation is usually part of their lives to one degree or another.

Is this a sin? I believe premarital sex is immoral. But I do not profess to speak for God. Can this activity (masturbation) be shared with marriage as part of a couple’s intimate life? People should follow their conscience about this very private matter and not obsess about it.

 

[mary1173]

Don’t worry, God knows you don’t want to not have intercourse…really now! Touchy teasy if it makes it easy. That’s my philosophy… OOH goody SEX
Love making is more than just sex… it’s an expression of being one with one another. Plain and simple. Desire can wane…Love never dies.

I’d say to just stay calm about it. Masturbation is an act of selfishness. Keeping the pleasure to one’s self. When making love fingering is ok. every person needs to stimulate themselves and one another. Have fun making him happy, and I’m sure with some very well taught lessons to him, he could, and WILL rock your world!

God Bless
PS
make some new members while ur at it already!

 

[DoYouKnow]

Firstly, Thank you, thank you, thank you to all that replied. And quickly too

I hope God knows that I don’t want to not make love to my husband.

Mary 1173 <<Love making is more than just sex… it’s an expression of being one with one another. Plain and simple. Desire can wane…Love never dies>>

I agree 100% Love making is more than just sex. Personally, I dont really like the term ‘sex’, though I use it to get a point or question across. I try to not use it, it seems kind of disrespectful to me…only my opinion though!

It’s not that I want to keep the pleasure to myself, definatly not. That’s kind of rude. But apparently watching me do that while we’re making love gives him pleasure. I guess from his point of view I’m giving him pleasure while we’re making love and vise versa but he wants to make sure I’m satisfied too, which really, I have to respect. I havent met many men that are concerned about what their woman wants…in any way.
From some of the stories I’ve heard from my friends that have strayed from the path of God…im lucky to have my husband? I don’t know the man confuses me sometimes!

So, I’m sorry but I have another question.

I was reading on here somewhere, I’m not sure where (sorry) that denying your husband or wife intercourse is a sin. That I understand…the ‘denying’ part I dont understand…

Where I work I spend the good part of two weeks away from my husband at a time because I work out of town. I know I have a choice, I could quit my job and find a job closer to home, even in the same city.
We’ve also discussed this, (my finding a job closer or transfering into the city) but he doesn’t want me too until I’m pregnant.
<<>> we don’t use and birth control, we both know that isnt what God wants and we’re leaving the Gift of a child in God’s hands…hopefully God knows we’re looking forward to having children.

So my question is…is going to work out of town for two weeks at a time, coming home for the weekend and leaving again for another two weeks ‘denying’ my husband?

Thank you again so much,

God Bless All
Jessica

 

[TLM08]

…I’d say to just stay calm about it. Masturbation is an act of selfishness. Keeping the pleasure to one’s self. When making love fingering is ok. every person needs to stimulate themselves and one another. Have fun making him happy, and I’m sure with some very well taught lessons to him, he could, and WILL rock your world!

God Bless
PS
make some new members while ur at it already!

I agree with you 100% The problem is that the church has determined that “fingering” qualifies as masturbation and therfore a no-no! Many theologians command: “Hands off the genitals!”

From now on, to be on the safe side, maybe we all should be wearing oven mittens to bed!

 

[DoYouKnow]

TLM08
<<From now on, to be on the safe side, maybe we all should be wearing oven mittens to bed!>>

That would make this awfuly difficult! …but interesting…

 

[manualman]

I agree with you 100% The problem is that the church has determined that “fingering” qualifies as masturbation and therfore a no-no! Many theologians command: “Hands off the genitals!”

From now on, to be on the safe side, maybe we all should be wearing oven mittens to bed!

I challenge you to find me an authoritative church document that utterly forbids manual stimulation as part of foreplay. You continuously define fidelity to catholicism as “obsessive” and make nearly slanderous statements like this that simply aren’t true. (btw, theologian opinions do not equal “church teaching”.)

The fact is that mutually giving and edifying acts that enhance the experience of married lovemaking without doing violence to either the unitive or the procreative aspects of sex are acceptable. Details are left to the couple, but the broad principles are clear. Go ahead and have fun, just don’t sterilize things or objectivize/demean each other.

Hopefully nobody needs any comment on the single person masturbation issue. TLM simply refuses to believe that aspect of catholicism - and should be clear that his opinion is defiant.

 

[EricDavis73]

I’m not qualified enough to respond from a theological viewpoint as many other PP’s have done very well. I believe that masturbation, in the context of marriage, is a ‘turning inward’ in perhaps one of the worst ways possible, as it violates the marriage covenant in many ways, especially if the fantasies (whether through the imagination or via other media) involve someone other than your spouse.

When my wife and I first started using NFP, I would often use our periods of abstinence as justification for continuing my pre-marriage addiction to masturbation and pornography. It took a long time, a support group (which I now lead) and a lot of grace to learn how every selfish behavior I engage in has a negative impact on my marriage if it is not modeled after the example of the self-giving love (agape) exemplified by the Cross.

There is a point to be made that the couple must decide what is acceptable and what is not. For example, my wife and I have decided that even ‘mutual masturbation’ (when not a part of foreplay) is disordered (something that took even longer for me to realize) as it is using the other person for self-gratification, even when using the justification of pleasuring your spouse.

God bless you as you navigate this thorny issue that nearly the WHOLE WORLD says isn’t one at all.

In terms of ‘denying’ the marital act being a sin, the crux of the matter is the motivation. If the motivation is selfish (i.e., you’re ‘punishing’ your spouse), then yes, that would be sinful as it is a violation of the marriage vows. That said, each marital act must involve mutual consent, based upon mutual respect for one another. If any condition of mutuality is disordered there are deeper issues at play.

I would second the advice to read ‘Love and Responsibility’.

 

[Seatuck]

I agree with you 100% The problem is that the church has determined that “fingering” qualifies as masturbation and therfore a no-no! Many theologians command: “Hands off the genitals!”

From now on, to be on the safe side, maybe we all should be wearing oven mittens to bed!

That’s totally not true.

 

[Seatuck]

Firstly, Thank you, thank you, thank you to all that replied. And quickly too

I hope God knows that I don’t want to not make love to my husband.

Mary 1173 <<Love making is more than just sex… it’s an expression of being one with one another. Plain and simple. Desire can wane…Love never dies>>

I agree 100% Love making is more than just sex. Personally, I dont really like the term ‘sex’, though I use it to get a point or question across. I try to not use it, it seems kind of disrespectful to me…only my opinion though!

It’s not that I want to keep the pleasure to myself, definatly not. That’s kind of rude. But apparently watching me do that while we’re making love gives him pleasure. I guess from his point of view I’m giving him pleasure while we’re making love and vise versa but he wants to make sure I’m satisfied too, which really, I have to respect. I havent met many men that are concerned about what their woman wants…in any way.
From some of the stories I’ve heard from my friends that have strayed from the path of God…im lucky to have my husband? I don’t know the man confuses me sometimes!

So, I’m sorry but I have another question.

I was reading on here somewhere, I’m not sure where (sorry) that denying your husband or wife intercourse is a sin. That I understand…the ‘denying’ part I dont understand…

Where I work I spend the good part of two weeks away from my husband at a time because I work out of town. I know I have a choice, I could quit my job and find a job closer to home, even in the same city.
We’ve also discussed this, (my finding a job closer or transfering into the city) but he doesn’t want me too until I’m pregnant.
<<>> we don’t use and birth control, we both know that isnt what God wants and we’re leaving the Gift of a child in God’s hands…hopefully God knows we’re looking forward to having children.

So my question is…is going to work out of town for two weeks at a time, coming home for the weekend and leaving again for another two weeks ‘denying’ my husband?

Thank you again so much,

God Bless All
Jessica

“Denying” is when your husband makes a reasonable request and you say “no” without a just reason. Since he agrees with your working out of town then you aren’t denying him.

I’m afraid the practice that you describe is not acceptable.Hubby needs to be the one giving you the pleasure.It’s in his job description. Please look into the book recommendations above. They will go into the meaning of the marital act and the language that the husband and wife speak with their bodies. It’s pretty awesome.

 

[TLM08]

I challenge you to find me an authoritative church document that utterly forbids manual stimulation as part of foreplay. You continuously define fidelity to catholicism as “obsessive” and make nearly slanderous statements like this that simply aren’t true. (btw, theologian opinions do not equal “church teaching”.)

The fact is that mutually giving and edifying acts that enhance the experience of married lovemaking without doing violence to either the unitive or the procreative aspects of sex are acceptable. Details are left to the couple, but the broad principles are clear. Go ahead and have fun, just don’t sterilize things or objectivize/demean each other.

Hopefully nobody needs any comment on the single person masturbation issue. TLM simply refuses to believe that aspect of catholicism - and should be clear that his opinion is defiant.

Ask any woman who has five or more children under the age of 8… a loving and dedicated husband who just lost his job in the recession… and a growing stack of past due bills if there’s any room left for “fun” the next time her husband climbs in bed and snuggles in for a little lovin’

This is where the celibate clergy are completely out of touch.

 

[manualman]

LOL, your axe is getting dull. Better it grind it some more…

 

[EricDavis73]

This is where the celibate clergy are completely out of touch.

Yep, celibacy renders all clergy unable to give advice much less actually listen during the hundreds of confessions or marriage counseling sessions they go through each month. I’ve actually heard that all clergy check their sex drives and pre-vow experiences at the door and that there’s actually a super-secret machine that wipes their memories of anything they ever did before taking their vows…