My Husband

[Back2Basics]

Last night, he freaked because he wanted bed and I wanted a cigarette while my hair dried after a shower. My hair is short, and only takes about ten minutes to dry.

However, he can opt to go to bed early, but whines me out of it when I want to. he can blow $160 on handlebars, then expect accolades for spending $10 on an actual necessity. He can ignore me for online shopping, the motorcycle, the kids (not that I begrudge them the attention), his mom, what-have-you, but as soon as he can’t get my attention, flip. He can do nothing and even keep me from my work (he’d complain if I didn’t comply), house or school, and the get angry when I haven’t gotten anything done in three weeks or now that I’m having trouble catching up.

I wasn’t even kidding about school. Every time I needed to study over the last two semesters, it was “do this with me instead” until the last second when I flat-out told him, “I’ve run out of time for such and so.” Then he would proceed to whine and moan about how “I care about everything else more than him.”

He is “allowed,” by his standard to show no respect to anyone while demanding respect from everyone. The only thoughts, feelings, or opinions that matter are his own… and his kids’ when they’re here. Everyone else can go to h-e-double-hockey-stix.

I’m at a loss for what to do. I’m going to speak with my parish pastor about it ASAP, but does anyone have advice in the meantime?

 

[TheRealJuliane]

If you married someone with NPD, no, I have no good advice for you. He’s not going to suddenly develop any empathy and everything you do that isn’t about HIM is going to meet with disapproval. I don’t know your husband but the things you are describing are quite familiar to me.



Yesterday, I actually said to one of my possible narcissists, “Do you ever have trouble caring about other people and their lives?” Of course I know the answer is, “Yes, truthfully, I couldn’t care less about any of you as long as you don’t get in my way or cause me problems.” But he didn’t answer.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

Last night, he freaked because he wanted bed and I wanted a cigarette while my hair dried after a shower. My hair is short, and only takes about ten minutes to dry.

However, he can opt to go to bed early, but whines me out of it when I want to. he can blow $160 on handlebars, then expect accolades for spending $10 on an actual necessity. He can ignore me for online shopping, the motorcycle, the kids (not that I begrudge them the attention), his mom, what-have-you, but as soon as he can’t get my attention, flip. He can do nothing and even keep me from my work (he’d complain if I didn’t comply), house or school, and the get angry when I haven’t gotten anything done in three weeks or now that I’m having trouble catching up.

I wasn’t even kidding about school. Every time I needed to study over the last two semesters, it was “do this with me instead” until the last second when I flat-out told him, “I’ve run out of time for such and so.” Then he would proceed to whine and moan about how “I care about everything else more than him.”

He is “allowed,” by his standard to show no respect to anyone while demanding respect from everyone. The only thoughts, feelings, or opinions that matter are his own… and his kids’ when they’re here. Everyone else can go to h-e-double-hockey-stix.

I’m at a loss for what to do. I’m going to speak with my parish pastor about it ASAP, but does anyone have advice in the meantime?

I don’t mean this in a passive-aggressive way, but why did you marry him?

TheRealJuliane:

Yesterday, I actually said to one of my possible narcissists,

“One of”? How many narcissists do you know? How did you come to know so many?

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I don’t mean this in a passive-aggressive way, but why did you marry him?

“One of”? How many narcissists do you know? How did you come to know so many?

Aren’t I the lucky one, though???

 

[Back2Basics]

I don’t mean this in a passive-aggressive way, but why did you marry him?

“One of”? How many narcissists do you know? How did you come to know so many?

The entire household naively believed that it would solve at least some problems. Frankly, there are times I wonder if he only married me for sex and a tax break.

 

[Deana83]

If you married someone with NPD, no, I have no good advice for you. He’s not going to suddenly develop any empathy and everything you do that isn’t about HIM is going to meet with disapproval. I don’t know your husband but the things you are describing are quite familiar to me.

She’s right, it sounds like a textbook case and is listed in the DSM 4. The problem is people with this pathology very rarely seek help-because the problem is never them, it’s always someone else’s fault. Even if they do end up in therapy it’s frustrating for psychologists because you just can’t “grow” a conscious. Unfortunately it’s the people who have to interact closely with these people that end up needing help due to the abuse
If you weren’t married I’d definitely say kick him to the curb but you are so it’s all the more complicated. Take care and I’ll say a prayer for you.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

The entire household naively believed that it would solve at least some problems. Frankly, there are times I wonder if he only married me for sex and a tax break.

I’m sorry, I’m not sure if I’m following…

If I’m understanding the timeline here:

1. You were in a bad relationship,
2. The “household” (who?) decided the relationship would be “less bad” if you made the bad relationship permanent.
3. So, you did it.

Is that about it?

 

[TheRealJuliane]

The entire household naively believed that it would solve at least some problems. Frankly, there are times I wonder if he only married me for sex and a tax break.

Could be.

:sad_yes: Especially the sex.

 

[Back2Basics]

I’m sorry, I’m not sure if I’m following…

If I’m understanding the timeline here:

1. You were in a bad relationship,
2. The “household” (who?) decided the relationship would be “less bad” if you made the bad relationship permanent.
3. So, you did it.

Is that about it?

Allow me to preface all this weirdness with the fact that while I’m trying to get back into my faith now, I wasn’t when all of this started. Some, like the parts mentioned below, of my morality got very turned around.

I’ll admit, this can get to be where it looks (sounds, seems, is) weird. We live with my MIL. All three of us thought a big part of the problem was a desire for marriage-- I had been married once before, and we were held back by my ex’s refusal to cooperate with the divorce proceedings. We thought actually doing it would solve some of those problems. So, we went to the courthouse and did it and the only thing that’s changed is that now he has a motorcycle to ignore me for. We still aren’t married in the Church, and the more I think about it, the more I think I might be grateful for it. That thought makes me sad.

 

[cheezey]

I don’t mean this in a passive-aggressive way, but why did you marry him?

Not to speak for the OP, but NPDs have a way of reeling in people (even the most cautious!) with the charm that appears to be genuine concern for the other. Then as someone catches on or is caught, the chase is over and the NPD’s true colors are shown.
I came so close to being caught; I was snared, but I got away.
If looked at objectively, it is a fascinating study. But I am sooooo glad I got away. Nerve wracking.

I am so sorry for you, B2B.
My prayers are with you

 

[JerryZ]

Allow me to preface all this weirdness with the fact that while I’m trying to get back into my faith now, I wasn’t when all of this started. Some, like the parts mentioned below, of my morality got very turned around.

I’ll admit, this can get to be where it looks (sounds, seems, is) weird. We live with my MIL. All three of us thought a big part of the problem was a desire for marriage-- I had been married once before, and we were held back by my ex’s refusal to cooperate with the divorce proceedings. We thought actually doing it would solve some of those problems. So, we went to the courthouse and did it and the only thing that’s changed is that now he has a motorcycle to ignore me for. We still aren’t married in the Church, and the more I think about it, the more I think I might be grateful for it. That thought makes me sad.

I feel for you dear and will say a prayer also :sad_yes:

 

[Jessie5000]

This is none of our business.

My advice is speak to your husband. I would be furious if my wife was online speaking about our problems rather than speaking to me. This is gossipy behavior is for teenagers.

I say confront him, seek professional help. Finally stop talking behind his back.

 

[Back2Basics]

This is none of our business.

My advice is speak to your husband. I would be furious if my wife was online speaking about our problems rather than speaking to me. This is gossipy behavior is for teenagers.

I say confront him, seek professional help. Finally stop talking behind his back.

Thanks for making me feel worse. I wouldn’t have asked for advice here had confrontation done any good or if I even thought I could get him into therapy.
Some of us see no other options.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Thanks for making me feel worse. I wouldn’t have asked for advice here had confrontation done any good or if I even thought I could get him into therapy.
Some of us see no other options.

Just ignore people like that. They have no idea what it’s like being married to or related to someone with NPD. You’re not going to get anywhere in therapy because the NPD person truly believes that it’s not their problem, that it’s YOU that needs help. So if you would just change to suit them, presto! No more problem! They will make friends with the therapist and try to bond with them to leave you out of the consultation. (Most good therapists don’t fall for this, BTW.) They will usually simply refuse to go to any sort of counseling, but will usually be happy to pay for YOU to go, because you are the sick one and the source of the problems.

It’s not you. And it probably won’t get any better over time.

 

[cheezey]

does anyone have advice in the meantime?

Thanks for making me feel worse. I wouldn’t have asked for advice here had confrontation done any good or if I even thought I could get him into therapy.
Some of us see no other options.

You came here asking for advice, you offered to tell us. This is not gossiping so do not worry about that.
I don’t know what to offer; as I mentioned, I got away.
I willl certainly pray for you; for your sanity and for an appropriate answer to your needs.
God bless and help you.

 

[Back2Basics]

Just ignore people like that. They have no idea what it’s like being married to or related to someone with NPD. You’re not going to get anywhere in therapy because the NPD person truly believes that it’s not their problem, that it’s YOU that needs help. So if you would just change to suit them, presto! No more problem! They will make friends with the therapist and try to bond with them to leave you out of the consultation. (Most good therapists don’t fall for this, BTW.) They will usually simply refuse to go to any sort of counseling, but will usually be happy to pay for YOU to go, because you are the sick one and the source of the problems.

It’s not you. And it probably won’t get any better over time.

To him, therapy isn’t for anyone, so at least there’s that little bit if equality, but there’s still no way.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

To him, therapy isn’t for anyone, so at least there’s that little bit if equality, but there’s still no way.

Hmmm…that’s a little surprising if he is an NPD. Usually they are all too happy to have you treated because they see you as sick/broken if you complain about them, and then they can further blame you for everything that goes wrong. Of course THEY would never need therapy of any kind because they don’t need it. If the world were only more like them, it would be a much better place.

 

[cheezey]

Hmmm…that’s a little surprising if he is an NPD. Usually they are all too happy to have you treated because they see you as sick/broken if you complain about them, and then they can further blame you for everything that goes wrong. Of course THEY would never need therapy of any kind because they don’t need it. If the world were only more like them, it would be a much better place.

well one I know was in therapy, but his aim was to convert the therapist into his own way of thinking, because, well, it’s just the only way to be.
This is a tough, tough situation.

 

[Back2Basics]

Hmmm…that’s a little surprising if he is an NPD. Usually they are all too happy to have you treated because they see you as sick/broken if you complain about them, and then they can further blame you for everything that goes wrong. Of course THEY would never need therapy of any kind because they don’t need it. If the world were only more like them, it would be a much better place.

I can explain that, too. He doesn’t like it because his own ex (apparently) tried to pull exactly what you’re describing, and exactly what he probably pulled on her and would pull on me.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I can explain that, too. He doesn’t like it because his own ex (apparently) tried to pull exactly what you’re describing, and exactly what he probably pulled on her and would pull on me.

He married another NPD? Wow. That must have been some fun.