My husband's female friend

[bumby]

My husband has a female friend who he is very close to but I can’t help thinking she has designs on him. Though she has a boyfriend, she is very flirtatious and often tells my husband how much she means to him, that they are ‘the same person’ (she said this in front of me, after a drink or two), how they’re best friends. She often invites him round to her house (he says no because I don’t like it). He doesn’t see the problem, though.

I feel sorry for my husband in a way because I have told him how I feel about the way she is with him. She often comments about what a great dad he is and has worked very hard to build up a rapport with my toddler, and even has a nickname for her (which I don’t like, incidentally) that only she uses. She also is very keen to get married and have a family. I have told my husband I think married people need to act a certain way. Part of me would like her to know exactly why he can’t go round to her house alone - because it isn’t right for married people and single people, being of the opposite sex, to do that.

My husband is rather naive and couldn’t tell if a woman fancied him if she waved a placard in his face.

Maybe all of this is really silly but I can’t help feeling…uneasy! She has been very welcoming to me in some ways and then rather cold with me in others. Don’t know whether I will be doing the right thing, telling him to tell her why he can’t see her alone.

Am I being over the top? Should I say something? And if I do, to him or to her?

 

[Garyjohn2]

I think its ok for adults to be close friends, whether they are the opposite sex or not, whether they are married or not, ect.

I mean, if you trust your husband, everything should be fine. We don’t have to interject sex into everything, even if books and TV shows do.

But really, it’s up to you! You know the situation better than anyone. She seems like a good family friend. From the sound of it, it seems like this woman and your husband consider each other kind of like brother and sister more than potential mates. This can be a twisted world though. I think in the end it comes down to how much you trust your husband. It takes two to tango, and if you know his character then make your decision based on that.

But we don’t know many details, and we are complete strangers, so it’s hard to say really.

 

[kitchendiva]

I’d trust your gut instinct and tell my husband that he is absolutely not allowed to hang out with single women. As a wife myself, I am offended that this woman keeps coming around your husband and inviting him to her house. That’s just weird and unacceptable.

 

[Apryl]

My husband has a female friend who he is very close to but I can’t help thinking she has designs on him. Though she has a boyfriend, she is very flirtatious and often tells my husband how much she means to him, that they are ‘the same person’ (she said this in front of me, after a drink or two), how they’re best friends. She often invites him round to her house (he says no because I don’t like it). He doesn’t see the problem, though.

My bet would be that you are being a LITTLE over sensitive.

That does not mean this woman isn’t over the top, and crossing the line a time or two, but you state that your husband doesn’t SEE the problem, but he doesn’t go around to her house because YOU DON’T LIKE IT.

I say, give your hubby a special hug and thank him for listening to you, even if he doesn’t make it clear to you that he is listening.

Now, let’s back up a bit: if this same friend was a male, would you have problems with this behavior? I mean, really… back up a bit and try looking with those eyes. If you would, she’s most sure over the top and has crossed the line.

If, on the other hand, you would have no problems, then maybe you’re making it a problem where it’s not.

Personally, I doubt if any man would be talking about ‘being the same’ and acting flirty… but I don’t know… is she really that flirty? Or is she staggering and happening to fall into him. If they are close, even platonically, that’s not unheard of.

She wants to be married, so why spend her time with someone who IS married? If she is so rushed to marry, she wouldn’t be fishing in the toilet (your husband is not available to her!), she would fish in a pond

For your assurances, I would ask for some limits: she can’t come to certain holidays/events, she should leave by a certain hour of the night and not come until a certain hour of the day.

My parents have been together for more than 50 years and both have maintained friends of the opposite sex for the entire time.

 

[1ke]

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it is a duck.

You are right on the money, IMHO.

 

[Garyjohn2]

Well, I think the best relationships are based on trust. If you think your husband is weak, or untrustworty, maybe you two can talk about that?

When it comes down to it though, if he cheats or not is going to have nothing to do with what that woman does, or with what rules you lay down. You know what I mean?

 

[kitchendiva]

I trust my husband completely, but I would NOT trust single women inviting him over. That’s CRAZY, imo. She needs to make female friends.

 

[dswearin]

[BIBLEDRB]1 Corinthians 7:4[/BIBLEDRB]

You have the right to tell your husband not to hang out with this woman if you feel that it is inappropriate. I would not be comfortable with my wife hanging out with a flirty single man (especially if he looked better than me ). And she definitely wouldn’t be comfortable with me hanging out with a single flirty female. There’s too much risk and your husband is hurting your trust. Married men need to have boundaries with women other than their wives. Lack of boundaries have resulted in so many affairs that it’s not worth risking the marriage. His body doesn’t belong to him anyway.

EDIT: To the OP, that woman is lucky you’ve shown so much restraint. My wife would have went into crazy-jealous mode and probably assaulted her by this point. I have an aggressive wife… Men like a strong woman and respect them more than a woman who just compliments them all the time.

 

[Garyjohn2]

I do find it strange that you are not also invited…isn’t a married couple like 1 unit in cases like these?

 

[dswearin]

My bet would be that you are being a LITTLE over sensitive.

That does not mean this woman isn’t over the top, and crossing the line a time or two, but you state that your husband doesn’t SEE the problem, but he doesn’t go around to her house because YOU DON’T LIKE IT.

I say, give your hubby a special hug and thank him for listening to you, even if he doesn’t make it clear to you that he is listening.

Now, let’s back up a bit: if this same friend was a male, would you have problems with this behavior? I mean, really… back up a bit and try looking with those eyes. If you would, she’s most sure over the top and has crossed the line.

If, on the other hand, you would have no problems, then maybe you’re making it a problem where it’s not.

Personally, I doubt if any man would be talking about ‘being the same’ and acting flirty… but I don’t know… is she really that flirty? Or is she staggering and happening to fall into him. If they are close, even platonically, that’s not unheard of.

She wants to be married, so why spend her time with someone who IS married? If she is so rushed to marry, she wouldn’t be fishing in the toilet (your husband is not available to her!), she would fish in a pond

For your assurances, I would ask for some limits: she can’t come to certain holidays/events, she should leave by a certain hour of the night and not come until a certain hour of the day.

My parents have been together for more than 50 years and both have maintained friends of the opposite sex for the entire time.

A male-to-male relationship is completely different, unless that man is gay and the husband struggles with same-sex-attraction.

You ask why a woman would try to be with a married man? It happens quite often. The pastor at my last church was married and had a 9-month affair with a single woman! Infatuation clouds judgment and she may have the hopes that the husband will leave the wife for her (and that has happened an awful lot too). One does not have to go far to hear stories of a person leaving their spouse for another person.

As for boundaries, I would argue that the wife should always be present when the husband hangs out with this woman. I would not think it unreasonable for the wife to want her husband to break off most contact because of the inappropriate boundaries.

No one is saying that the husband can’t have friends of the opposite gender. But this friendship has gone too far to the point that the wife is in distress over the nature of that relationship. The husband has an obligation to break off said friendship because it runs a great risk of developing into something more serious (this is assuming that the OP has told the truth of the situation, not that I’m doubting her).

 

[faithfully]

I do find it strange that you are not also invited…isn’t a married couple like 1 unit in cases like these?

I agree… If there was a female that my DH was friends with… She’s friends with me too! In that, if she called the house, she doesn’t just say hi, and ask to talk to DH. She’d be talkin’ it up with me too. The end. If she can’t be my friend… THEN SHE’S NOT… and DH is not allowed girlfriends. And this is how we function in the reverse as well.

Now, I can’t tell… was she in the picture BEFORE you met, and married? I don’t know how to handle that sort of thing.

Unless you’re the extreme jealous type… I would go with your intuition. DH may not be going anywhere with this… but she might trying???

Honestly, I don’t think many people actually seek out to be disloyal to their spouse. When they say it “just happened”… I think it did. They just failed to keep themselves out of situations that things “just happen” in…

 

[adv1sor]

You are probably being too sensitive.

That said, you are his wife.

If I were in your shoes here is what I would do.

First pray. Then, find some time when the two of you can speak privately. (You and your husband that is).

Tell him that you may be just too sensitive, maybe too jealous, but that you are really uncomfortable with his relationship with this female friend and that you wish he would distance himself a little more from her.

Then listen to what he tells you.

Don’t argue, don’t repeat yourself, just listen. Then kiss him and tell him that you love him.

Then pray again.

I’ll pray for you as well.

 

[dswearin]

Honestly, I don’t think many people actually seek out to be disloyal to their spouse. When they say it “just happened”… I think it did. They just failed to keep themselves out of situations that things “just happen” in…

Agreed. This is why it is SOOOOO critical for a spouse to maintain strict boundaries with members of the opposite sex (or same sex if attraction exists). One can never be too careful or intentional when considering the sanctity of their marriage.

 

[curl]

My husband has a female friend who he is very close to but I can’t help thinking she has designs on him. Though she has a boyfriend, she is very flirtatious and often tells my husband how much she means to him, …

I highly recommend the book “A Maze of Grace” by Trish Ryan. (Not Catholic, but decently Christian. (Faith Words press, 2010)) Chapter 5 is great chapter on dealing with flirtation and “innocent” socializing and how to protect the marriage. (Chapter 4 is also about protecting the marriage relationship and is actually one of my favorite chapters of all time in any Christian book, but that’s another story for another forum. )

Praying for us all,

• curl

 

[Apryl]

A male-to-male relationship is completely different, unless that man is gay and the husband struggles with same-sex-attraction.

You ask why a woman would try to be with a married man? It happens quite often. The pastor at my last church was married and had a 9-month affair with a single woman! Infatuation clouds judgment and she may have the hopes that the husband will leave the wife for her (and that has happened an awful lot too). One does not have to go far to hear stories of a person leaving their spouse for another person.

As for boundaries, I would argue that the wife should always be present when the husband hangs out with this woman. I would not think it unreasonable for the wife to want her husband to break off most contact because of the inappropriate boundaries.

No one is saying that the husband can’t have friends of the opposite gender. But this friendship has gone too far to the point that the wife is in distress over the nature of that relationship. The husband has an obligation to break off said friendship because it runs a great risk of developing into something more serious (this is assuming that the OP has told the truth of the situation, not that I’m doubting her).

Ahh… see… I was suspicious that I wouldn’t be so clear.

Ok… I’m not saying that male-male relationships are the same as male-female… but if the behavior is not LIKE that of a male-female relationship, but is like a male-male relationship, and then would be seen as ‘ok’, I think I would be less suspicious of it.

So, if Hubby and Friend are watching the game together, and that’s what they are doing, one wouldn’t be upset if it was two guys doing it… why be upset if it’s male/female?

As for women wanting to be with married men: I’m very aware that some people seem to prefer to be with married folx, but that’s usually because they themselves do not want to be married. This friend wants to be married, and soon… if she’s hanging with Mr. Husband, and Mr Husband is married, that is NOT good picking for the Husband Tree! She would, if trying to GET married, pick off of the Single Man Tree.

The OP has posted that her husband IS NOT GOING TO THE FRIEND’S HOUSE… the friend is coming to theirs.

Now, I would NOT suggest that it’s ok for the Friend to come to their home at a time when the OP will not be home, or that the OP leave the house and leave the Friend their with this husband, with or without kids being there.

If she’s already suspicious, no matter if the feelings are accurate or not, they are VALID, and should be listened to.

 

[Dorothy]

I’d trust your gut instinct and tell my husband that he is absolutely not allowed to hang out with single women. As a wife myself, I am offended that this woman keeps coming around your husband and inviting him to her house. That’s just weird and unacceptable.

I agree with what you have said here, kitchendiva. It is definitely unacceptable behaviour.

 

[dswearin]

Ahh… see… I was suspicious that I wouldn’t be so clear.

Ok… I’m not saying that male-male relationships are the same as male-female… but if the behavior is not LIKE that of a male-female relationship, but is like a male-male relationship, and then would be seen as ‘ok’, I think I would be less suspicious of it.

So, if Hubby and Friend are watching the game together, and that’s what they are doing, one wouldn’t be upset if it was two guys doing it… why be upset if it’s male/female?

As for women wanting to be with married men: I’m very aware that some people seem to prefer to be with married folx, but that’s usually because they themselves do not want to be married. This friend wants to be married, and soon… if she’s hanging with Mr. Husband, and Mr Husband is married, that is NOT good picking for the Husband Tree! She would, if trying to GET married, pick off of the Single Man Tree.

The OP has posted that her husband IS NOT GOING TO THE FRIEND’S HOUSE… the friend is coming to theirs.

Now, I would NOT suggest that it’s ok for the Friend to come to their home at a time when the OP will not be home, or that the OP leave the house and leave the Friend their with this husband, with or without kids being there.

If she’s already suspicious, no matter if the feelings are accurate or not, they are VALID, and should be listened to.

I can see that. But the OP did mention that the woman is constantly inviting the husband to her house alone. That should indicate some potential problems.

My response to the woman wanting to get married, but not to him still applies. I have seen people leave their spouse and get married to the person they left the spouse for. It does indeed happen. It happens because the husband/wife falls out of love with their spouse and falls in love with the new person. I’m not saying this is necessarily going to happen to the OP, but it is a risk of such relationships.

 

[bkayw]

“My husband’s female friend…”

I’m not reading the rest of your post, only to say…

Not only “No” but “Hell, No.”

 

[JRRTFAN]

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it is a duck.

You are right on the money, IMHO.

I agree. I have female friends but they tell my wife how to deal with me. If the friend is not also the friend of the spouse I’d look close/

 

[Apryl]

I can see that. But the OP did mention that the woman is constantly inviting the husband to her house alone. That should indicate some potential problems.

True.

But the OP also stated that the husband is not going. So, that’s already been nipped.

So what she invites? She may be oblivious to the problem (as a single woman). The important thing is that this married husband does see the problem, and even if he doesn’t see the problem, acts like he does.