My husband's secret

[ElleDub]

I am deeply troubled. I have been married for 8 years and we have 5 children. In those 8 years, I have struggled with my emotions over my husband’s secret use of internet pornography. Because he is (presenting himself as) a devout Catholic, I have trusted this matter was behind us years ago. Today, my smart phone wasn’t connecting to internet, so I tried his computer. When I did, the browser came up with a list of “most visited” sites. I am sure you can imagine what I found.

My heart is broken. I feel cheated, lied to, and inadequate. I confronted him this morning before Mass and of course, he reacted with apologies and embarrassment. Seeing as this is probably the fifth or sixth time this scenario has played out, I am no longer interested in the excuses, apologies or promises to get help. It was so awful, when he tried to hug me, I pushed him away and called him a son of a b----. That has never happened before. But I felt such uncontrollable rage that I told him please leave me alone, because I am too emotional to control myself right now.

We have talked and prayed and cried through this issue many times in the past. I feel so manipulated. He cannot give me any space to process. I told him if he can’t give me space, we need a physical separation. I am not in the frame of mind to forgive, I am too hurt and angry.

I already told him we need to cancel internet. I know it will be inconvenient for the children and for me, but with Hell looming, it puts it all in perspective.

Will you please pray for us? I will also consider any Catholic advice on this painful matter. If you are going to give me the secular argument that every man does this, please don’t post.

 

[silentfactor80]

I am deeply troubled. I have been married for 8 years and we have 5 children. In those 8 years, I have struggled with my emotions over my husband’s secret use of internet pornography. Because he is (presenting himself as) a devout Catholic, I have trusted this matter was behind us years ago. Today, my smart phone wasn’t connecting to internet, so I tried his computer. When I did, the browser came up with a list of “most visited” sites. I am sure you can imagine what I found.

My heart is broken. I feel cheated, lied to, and inadequate. I confronted him this morning before Mass and of course, he reacted with apologies and embarrassment. Seeing as this is probably the fifth or sixth time this scenario has played out, I am no longer interested in the excuses, apologies or promises to get help. It was so awful, when he tried to hug me, I pushed him away and called him a son of a b----. That has never happened before. But I felt such uncontrollable rage that I told him please leave me alone, because I am too emotional to control myself right now.

We have talked and prayed and cried through this issue many times in the past. I feel so manipulated. He cannot give me any space to process. I told him if he can’t give me space, we need a physical separation. I am not in the frame of mind to forgive, I am too hurt and angry.

I already told him we need to cancel internet. I know it will be inconvenient for the children and for me, but with Hell looming, it puts it all in perspective.

Will you please pray for us? I will also consider any Catholic advice on this painful matter. If you are going to give me the secular argument that every man does this, please don’t post.

There is new research showing that that stuff can actually change a persons brain to resemble that of a crack addicts. Sex and drugs have a very similar effect on the brain neurologically. I would suggest having your husband see a counselor for his own sake if he cannot do it in faith. Make sure the counselor is Church approved because some seculars think it is a harmless habit. Many women even think it is OK these days and they watch with their husbands.

Most importantly, remember it is not you. I am sure you are a beautiful woman both inside and out. I have never met a woman that I thought was inadequate in anything. Of coarse I have an extreme distaste for unchaste images for a lot of reasons but I can understand that once a guy gets hooked on that stuff it is not easy to let it go. Often times men use it as an escape to emotional problems they developed as teens. Society loves telling men to shove our feelings deep down and forget about them. Ultimately we have to deal with them some how. Many guys sadly fall into pornography. I was fortunate that I had some very good friends that were girls that were helpful in showing me how amazing REAL women are. Pornstars really can’t compete with real women. That is why they go through so much to convince you otherwise.

 

[Lisa1967]

I am deeply troubled. I have been married for 8 years and we have 5 children. In those 8 years, I have struggled with my emotions over my husband’s secret use of internet pornography. Because he is (presenting himself as) a devout Catholic, I have trusted this matter was behind us years ago. Today, my smart phone wasn’t connecting to internet, so I tried his computer. When I did, the browser came up with a list of “most visited” sites. I am sure you can imagine what I found.

My heart is broken. I feel cheated, lied to, and inadequate. I confronted him this morning before Mass and of course, he reacted with apologies and embarrassment. Seeing as this is probably the fifth or sixth time this scenario has played out, I am no longer interested in the excuses, apologies or promises to get help. It was so awful, when he tried to hug me, I pushed him away and called him a son of a b----. That has never happened before. But I felt such uncontrollable rage that I told him please leave me alone, because I am too emotional to control myself right now.

We have talked and prayed and cried through this issue many times in the past. I feel so manipulated. He cannot give me any space to process. I told him if he can’t give me space, we need a physical separation. I am not in the frame of mind to forgive, I am too hurt and angry.

I already told him we need to cancel internet. I know it will be inconvenient for the children and for me, but with Hell looming, it puts it all in perspective.

Will you please pray for us? I will also consider any Catholic advice on this painful matter. If you are going to give me the secular argument that every man does this, please don’t post.

I will pray for you. I understand your anger. Have you two tried marriage counseling with a Catholic counselor?

 

[Steinway]

Prayer said. Put the computer in a place in the house that’s highly visible.

 

[lax16]

I am deeply troubled. I have been married for 8 years and we have 5 children. In those 8 years, I have struggled with my emotions over my husband’s secret use of internet pornography. Because he is (presenting himself as) a devout Catholic, I have trusted this matter was behind us years ago. Today, my smart phone wasn’t connecting to internet, so I tried his computer. When I did, the browser came up with a list of “most visited” sites. I am sure you can imagine what I found.

My heart is broken. I feel cheated, lied to, and inadequate. I confronted him this morning before Mass and of course, he reacted with apologies and embarrassment. Seeing as this is probably the fifth or sixth time this scenario has played out, I am no longer interested in the excuses, apologies or promises to get help. It was so awful, when he tried to hug me, I pushed him away and called him a son of a b----. That has never happened before. But I felt such uncontrollable rage that I told him please leave me alone, because I am too emotional to control myself right now.

We have talked and prayed and cried through this issue many times in the past. I feel so manipulated. He cannot give me any space to process. I told him if he can’t give me space, we need a physical separation. I am not in the frame of mind to forgive, I am too hurt and angry.

I already told him we need to cancel internet. I know it will be inconvenient for the children and for me, but with Hell looming, it puts it all in perspective.

Will you please pray for us? I will also consider any Catholic advice on this painful matter. If you are going to give me the secular argument that every man does this, please don’t post.

I am saying a prayer for you and your husband right now.

Have you ever heard Matt Fradd from Catholic Answers speak about pornography addiction? He is really good and here is his link: chastity.com/node/493

God Bless!

 

[The_Blunt_Brig]

What about getting some parental control software for your computers? Get one that will let you type in a special password—one that he couldn’t get into if he has administrator rights on the computer. I don’t know much about parental controls though. If he wants the password just say why would you need to change your settings? The only thing I blocked was porn! That should get him really flustered.

 

[Steve_Jay]

Hello ElleDub,
if your husband is addicted to pornography then getting rid of the Internet will not cure your husband of his addiction. He might turn to it in other ways.

Your husband needs to look at it in an entirely different light. It isn’t beautiful. It is human beings debasing themselves to having no real value apart from sexual pleasure. Such goes totally against love and is sinful. Sinful isn’t beautiful. He needs to look at what sin did to Jesus. He needs to give his problem to Jesus. Sin is hatred. In turning to pornography your husband is actually hating himself. He is wounding himself. He needs to have that instilled deep within his mind.

May God be with both you and your husband.

 

[KCT]

That just plain stinks!!!

I’ll pray for you!!

 

[catholicmom2010]

Hail Mary Full of Grace
The Lord is With Thee
Blessed Art Thou Amongst Women
And Blessed is the Fruit of Thy Womb, Jesus
Holy Mary, Mother of God
Pray for us Sinners
Now and at the Hour of Our Death, Amen.

 

[Inego_de_Loyola]

Hello ElleDub,
if your husband is addicted to pornography then getting rid of the Internet will not cure your husband of his addiction. He might turn to it in other ways.

Your husband needs to look at it in an entirely different light. It isn’t beautiful. It is human beings debasing themselves to having no real value apart from sexual pleasure. Such goes totally against love and is sinful. Sinful isn’t beautiful. He needs to look at what sin did to Jesus. He needs to give his problem to Jesus. Sin is hatred. In turning to pornography your husband is actually hating himself. He is wounding himself. He needs to have that instilled deep within his mind.

May God be with both you and your husband.

I’ve more to add, but i’m on my way out the door.

 

[WaitingForJesus]

I am so sorry. I am praying for you to have peace and your husband to be cured right now.

 

[Morwenna]

Do you think it would help if you told him that many of the “women” in those videos are actually teenage children?

And many (underage or not) are not there by choice, but are basically slaves kept in the industry by means of drug addiction, and physical and psychological abuse?

From the FBI website (fbi.gov/stats-services/publications/law-enforcement-bulletin/march_2011/human_sex_trafficking):

Human sex trafficking is the most common form of modern-day slavery. Estimates place the number of its domestic and international victims in the millions, mostly females and children enslaved in the commercial sex industry for little or no money.1 The terms human trafficking and sex slavery usually conjure up images of young girls beaten and abused in faraway places, like Eastern Europe, Asia, or Africa. Actually, human sex trafficking and sex slavery happen locally in cities and towns, both large and small, throughout the United States, right in citizens’ backyards.

Description of why victims “don’t just leave” (warning: disturbing reading): forthesakeofone.org/Sex-Trafficking-Information.html

Stories of ex-porn stars, the reality of what they experienced versus the “happy” face they had to put on for the cameras (also disturbing): thepinkcross.org/category/categories/ex-porn-star-stories

Maybe if he realizes the truth behind what he’s watching, it will help him to reject it and want to change?

 

[105lynne]

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this…praying

 

[Chantal25]

Will you please pray for us? I will also consider any Catholic advice on this painful matter.

Yes of course, i pray for you and your family.

He is dealing with an addiction, unless he acknowledge it, he will always rationalize it and do what it takes to protect this addiction. Sadly, they don’t get this is a form of adultery. Bible said it clearly even in thought, it is a sin.

On the other hand, Mother Mary can squish easily and effortless the snake with her feet.

Start doing rosary and fast. I did a one week water fast but you don’t have to be extreme like me. Don’t expect him to change but don’t cease to pray, God will do the rest. Saint Monica prayed for years for her husband and son and both finally repented for their sins. Read about her. I recommend also “People of the lie” book, you will be able to understand more what could be going on with your husband. Be patient, this process can take years but you will experience more peace always.

I wish you well and don’t give up hope. Disconnecting the internet, he will find another way to sustain this addiction.

Someone told me once to focus on Jesus Passion, and it was very helpful.

Blessings and love!

 

[Debora123]

I am deeply troubled. I have been married for 8 years and we have 5 children. In those 8 years, I have struggled with my emotions over my husband’s secret use of internet pornography. Because he is (presenting himself as) a devout Catholic, I have trusted this matter was behind us years ago. Today, my smart phone wasn’t connecting to internet, so I tried his computer. When I did, the browser came up with a list of “most visited” sites. I am sure you can imagine what I found.

My heart is broken. I feel cheated, lied to, and inadequate. I confronted him this morning before Mass and of course, he reacted with apologies and embarrassment. Seeing as this is probably the fifth or sixth time this scenario has played out, I am no longer interested in the excuses, apologies or promises to get help. It was so awful, when he tried to hug me, I pushed him away and called him a son of a b----. That has never happened before. But I felt such uncontrollable rage that I told him please leave me alone, because I am too emotional to control myself right now.

We have talked and prayed and cried through this issue many times in the past. I feel so manipulated. He cannot give me any space to process. I told him if he can’t give me space, we need a physical separation. I am not in the frame of mind to forgive, I am too hurt and angry.

I already told him we need to cancel internet. I know it will be inconvenient for the children and for me, but with Hell looming, it puts it all in perspective.

Will you please pray for us? I will also consider any Catholic advice on this painful matter. If you are going to give me the secular argument that every man does this, please don’t post.

Sounds like he has an addiction. He needs to get serious, consistent help. Is there anyway he can arrange to meet with a counseling priest at least once a week?

In the mean time, please don’t separate from him. You need to work through this together.

 

[eyesopening]

Sounds like he has an addiction. He needs to get serious, consistent help. Is there anyway he can arrange to meet with a counseling priest at least once a week?

In the mean time, please don’t separate from him. You need to work through this together.

Take it from a former porn addict: Porn is addictive. your husband may have tried multiple times to quit looking at porn. It is very difficult. Only prayer and fasting will be successful in ridding oneself of this terrible addiction. Do not hold it against him too hard. Imagine if it were not porn, but rather alcohol or drugs or gambling to which he were addicted. It is easy to take his sin as though it were directed at you and personal, but honestly (and I speak from experience) it has nothing to do with you. It is a chemical addiction that is as hard to break as cigarettes or any other. Help him, do not be offended. I understand that it is hurtful, but work through it together with prayer and fasting. Remember, he may hate himself every time he does it. (I know I did.)

Blessings

 

[Cedars]

Yes, that would definitely be very upsetting and emotionally difficult.
Even without web access, I read reports that teen’s and adult’s watch porn on their smart-phone’s.
God Bless you and your’s.

 

[Limerickman]

I am deeply troubled. I have been married for 8 years and we have 5 children. In those 8 years, I have struggled with my emotions over my husband’s secret use of internet pornography. Because he is (presenting himself as) a devout Catholic, I have trusted this matter was behind us years ago. Today, my smart phone wasn’t connecting to internet, so I tried his computer. When I did, the browser came up with a list of “most visited” sites. I am sure you can imagine what I found.

My heart is broken. I feel cheated, lied to, and inadequate. I confronted him this morning before Mass and of course, he reacted with apologies and embarrassment. Seeing as this is probably the fifth or sixth time this scenario has played out, I am no longer interested in the excuses, apologies or promises to get help. It was so awful, when he tried to hug me, I pushed him away and called him a son of a b----. That has never happened before. But I felt such uncontrollable rage that I told him please leave me alone, because I am too emotional to control myself right now.

We have talked and prayed and cried through this issue many times in the past. I feel so manipulated. He cannot give me any space to process. I told him if he can’t give me space, we need a physical separation. I am not in the frame of mind to forgive, I am too hurt and angry.

I already told him we need to cancel internet. I know it will be inconvenient for the children and for me, but with Hell looming, it puts it all in perspective.

Will you please pray for us? I will also consider any Catholic advice on this painful matter. If you are going to give me the secular argument that every man does this, please don’t post.

First of all I commend you for your honesty for posting the message above.
That takes courage.

Second, your husband is in the grip of an addiction over which he has no control.
He is caught in something which is very powerful.

I can understand your hurt and anger and it is only natural that you feel this way.

It is important that your husband begins to rectify his behaviour. Put the computer in a place where when used, it is done publicly.
He also needs to start reforming himself. He needs to confess his sins to a priest and he needs to starting praying hard. In order to over come this disorder and that this is - he needs help.

Habit is overcome by habit.
He needs to replace bad habits by good habits.

 

[bmaj]

I am deeply troubled. I have been married for 8 years and we have 5 children. In those 8 years, I have struggled with my emotions over my husband’s secret use of internet pornography. Because he is (presenting himself as) a devout Catholic, I have trusted this matter was behind us years ago. Today, my smart phone wasn’t connecting to internet, so I tried his computer. When I did, the browser came up with a list of “most visited” sites. I am sure you can imagine what I found.

My heart is broken. I feel cheated, lied to, and inadequate. I confronted him this morning before Mass and of course, he reacted with apologies and embarrassment. Seeing as this is probably the fifth or sixth time this scenario has played out, I am no longer interested in the excuses, apologies or promises to get help. It was so awful, when he tried to hug me, I pushed him away and called him a son of a b----. That has never happened before. But I felt such uncontrollable rage that I told him please leave me alone, because I am too emotional to control myself right now.

We have talked and prayed and cried through this issue many times in the past. I feel so manipulated. He cannot give me any space to process. I told him if he can’t give me space, we need a physical separation. I am not in the frame of mind to forgive, I am too hurt and angry.

I already told him we need to cancel internet. I know it will be inconvenient for the children and for me, but with Hell looming, it puts it all in perspective.

Will you please pray for us? I will also consider any Catholic advice on this painful matter. If you are going to give me the secular argument that every man does this, please don’t post.

I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through in your marriage. Will definitely keep you in my prayers. Have been in your shoes and know how heart breaking it is. You might wish to join the support group here at CAF titled, “Women Suffering Because of Unchastity.” It deals specifically with this and might be as helpful for you as it has been for me these past years with my marriage. (You can find it under “Social Groups” toward the middle on the main forums page.)
Please know that you’re not alone and that the hurt and anger is very normal. It can also help if you’re able to speak with a Priest - either alone or, even better, with your husband (although I know either way it’s a step that isn’t easy sometimes). Or as others have said, I would highly recommend a Catholic or Catholic Charities- approved Counselor for both of you together or you alone if not. Cancelling the internet can help a little sometimes, but not if the Internet is available on his cellphone or if he ventures to other avenues to access porn. There are far too many ways this can be accomplished. Satan loves our society today because of that fact. But prayer and the Sacraments can be a huge help against those horrible lures.
Peace to you, and may Our Lord and His Blessed Mother remain by your side always.

 

[The_Bucket]

I’m a recovering addict myself and yes, it’s quite ugly. Extreme measures to break the addiction do need to be taken. For me, it was my wife taking the kids and leaving for a couple of weeks. For my wife, it was definitely more the lying and manipulation than the actual pornography use. Yes, she found that disgusting but it was the lying and the passive-aggressive craziness that was far, far worse.

So she certainly can sympathize and I know personally the damage my actions caused. The extreme measures she took forced me to take serious measures myself. I’m in an in-person 12-step recovery program and part of the impurity addiction support group here on CAF. I go to Mass more often and go to Reconciliation at least once a month.

I am also not perfect. I have not fallen back into my addiction but I’m still not perfect. I’m sober but that doesn’t mean that I don’t have temptations and go closer to that line than I should in terms of reading articles and whatnot. No pornography since that fateful day, but I’ve not been a model of chastity either.

What matters is that I’m actually making an effort these days. I’m doing what Isaiah and Paul talked about in yesterday’s readings at Mass. Trying to toss off the old ways and move forward each day. I may slip, I may stumble, but I also am far more honest with my wife and with myself. I don’t tell lies nearly as often as I used to. I gossip less about others. I scold myself for committing the sin of schadenfreude… something that definitely haunted me when I was in my addiction. My anger and anxiety is also greatly lowered.

Addicts really have to be driven to the breaking point where their fear of losing everything is greater than their fear of losing their drug of choice. Some people, sadly, choose the drug. Others choose the long, hard road of recovery. I pray that your husband chooses the harder road, for while it is difficult, Christ is there every moment to push us forward.

What I need to insist that you do is do not just let this matter lie. Do not just accept it. Do not just consider it the price you pay for being married or whatever. Do not accept it. It will be terrible for you and for your children. My mother was too afraid to deal with my father’s addiction and it moved from porn to strip clubs to other people. It’s a progressive spiritual disease. If tough medicine is not applied, it will worsen. I assure you it will worsen. And it will infect your children as my father’s spiritual disease infected me.

I do not claim to be perfect. I am sober now by the grace of God and coming up on about 10 months of sobriety. But I have not been perfect by any means despite hanging onto my sobriety. I have still committed venial sins of lust. I have still been dishonest with my wife about it out of fear that she will think worse things are going on or that she is responsible for my struggles. But I have also confessed my sins frequently. I have also at other times admitted that I’m suffering from temptations and assured her that it is my fault that I have these temptations and that she plays no role in them.

I claim spiritual progress, not spiritual perfection. All I claim is that I’m more oriented towards God today than I was a year ago and that I’m actually trying to be Christ-like as opposed to being a duplicitous liar who didn’t care about how he hurt his family or offended God. It is an improvement.