My husband's secret

[Debora123]

I’m a recovering addict myself and yes, it’s quite ugly. Extreme measures to break the addiction do need to be taken. For me, it was my wife taking the kids and leaving for a couple of weeks. For my wife, it was definitely more the lying and manipulation than the actual pornography use. Yes, she found that disgusting but it was the lying and the passive-aggressive craziness that was far, far worse.

Thank you for sharing your story with us.

I’m not the OP and don’t have this problem, but I hope it’s still ok if I ask a question to the wives/husbands out there who consistently look at porn. I am genuinely curious to know, why do y’all do it?

Not that it is any excuse, but I can at least understand why someone might resort to pornography if they are single or if they are in a sexless/unhappy marriage and can’t satisfy that craving with a spouse. But I just have a hard time understanding why a person who is happily married with a beautiful spouse, available and willing to have sex, would instead want to look at porn? If you have the real thing right in front of you, why would you prefer to look at pictures on a screen and masturbate?

I am not asking this as a put down to anyone out there, and certainly not to you, Bucket. I’m just asking because it makes 0 sense to me and I’m genuinely interested to know what the reason is for this.

 

[The_Bucket]

Why does anybody use drugs? Or drink heavily? It’s an escape from anxiety. My addiction was way more than your average teenage boy dealing with hormones. That’s a normal thing. That’s something the writers of the catechism took the time to note that maturity plays a role in determining if masturbation is a mortal sin or not.

What’s not normal is using pornography and masturbation as a form of escape. I did it to escape the tumultuous family life I had that was, no surprise, the result of my father’s sexual addiction.

What’s alluring is that the addict is “in control.” The other person is not real. She’s whatever you want her to be in your mind. Real women have emotional and physical needs. Real women are ill or tired or saddle you with their burdens. In essence, real women are real. An addict doesn’t want anything real! Reality is tiring. Reality is burdensome. Reality is the source of anxiety in the first place. Why would an addict want to be in reality? He’s trying to get away from it!

Strangely, sexual addiction is not really about the sex. It’s all about the escapism. It’s just that sex addicts don’t use foreign substances to produce their high. Otherwise, it’s the same as drug and alcohol addiction.

A guy might be tempted to watch porn or masturbate from time to time if he’s in a sexless rut. Say his wife has an extended illness or is on pelvic/bedrest or something. That’s where these kinds of temptations strike your everyday man.

Addiction is a totally different thing.

 

[Luvz2travel]

It is possible to live without the internet but if he’s really addicted to porn that might not stop him.

 

[The_Bucket]

It is possible to live without the internet but if he’s really addicted to porn that might not stop him.

It might have for me. Of course, I still had what was in my head. But it didn’t stop my father. And it doesn’t stop a lot of people. Bunch of the people in my S-group got into pornography/sex addiction way before the Internet. The Internet has made pornography more readily available, but it’s been around for quite some time. And there are plenty of other ways to get into sexual addiction anyway.

This needs to get addressed. Today. Yesterday preferably. Or else you end up with a progressive disease that kills the soul and ruins the lives of children. My father can’t even go for a long drive by himself without ending up a strip club.

 

[jarn98]

Pray to St. Joseph, patron saint of fathers and married couples (feast day is tomorrow), also pray to St. Michael the Archangel.

 

[silentfactor80]

Why does anybody use drugs? Or drink heavily? It’s an escape from anxiety. My addiction was way more than your average teenage boy dealing with hormones. That’s a normal thing. That’s something the writers of the catechism took the time to note that maturity plays a role in determining if masturbation is a mortal sin or not.

What’s not normal is using pornography and masturbation as a form of escape. I did it to escape the tumultuous family life I had that was, no surprise, the result of my father’s sexual addiction.

What’s alluring is that the addict is “in control.” The other person is not real. She’s whatever you want her to be in your mind. Real women have emotional and physical needs. Real women are ill or tired or saddle you with their burdens. In essence, real women are real. An addict doesn’t want anything real! Reality is tiring. Reality is burdensome. Reality is the source of anxiety in the first place. Why would an addict want to be in reality? He’s trying to get away from it!

Strangely, sexual addiction is not really about the sex. It’s all about the escapism. It’s just that sex addicts don’t use foreign substances to produce their high. Otherwise, it’s the same as drug and alcohol addiction.

A guy might be tempted to watch porn or masturbate from time to time if he’s in a sexless rut. Say his wife has an extended illness or is on pelvic/bedrest or something. That’s where these kinds of temptations strike your everyday man.

Addiction is a totally different thing.

Bucket hit the nail on the head. Here is what I would like to add to it. Society expects men to be emotionless stone walls. Women cannot understand what that is like since society expects the complete opposite of women. One of the past girls I dated would cry about the smallest things. I don’t mean to sound like a jerk but if she had to deal with a fraction of what I do she would end up in a crazy hospital. Pretty much every guy is taught to “suck it up” from a very young age. Any tears or any talking about your problems is forbidden. Well, we are humans and expression comes with the territory. When you can’t express yourself, be heard, and not be judged you find a solitary way of expressing your frustration. Many guys feel that “those girls” are always there for them and help them to forget their troubles. They also see “those girls” as willing to give them anything they want which boosts their self-esteem.

Also, many times guys have this problem before marriage and marriage only adds to the stress. Imagine if a guy went to his wife and said “honey the things you do and say really stress me out.” Wife gets mad or starts crying which makes guys feel even worse. If wife said the same husband sucks it up and try’s harder or just ignores her. Again, man is penalized for expressing himself. Tell a woman she works too much and guy gets a lecture on women’s rights. Tell a man he works too much and everyone agrees with the wife that family time is needed.

I think the climate and attitude about men in society has become so toxic that guys are trying to escape at any cost. Men once fed off the respect society had for them (even if they weren’t perfect) but these days there is no respect for men. I don’t think it is a coincidence that porn use increased as radical feminism started making the laws.

 

[tcay584]

Bucket hit the nail on the head. Here is what I would like to add to it. Society expects men to be emotionless stone walls. Women cannot understand what that is like since society expects the complete opposite of women. One of the past girls I dated would cry about the smallest things. I don’t mean to sound like a jerk but if she had to deal with a fraction of what I do she would end up in a crazy hospital. Pretty much every guy is taught to “suck it up” from a very young age. Any tears or any talking about your problems is forbidden. Well, we are humans and expression comes with the territory. When you can’t express yourself, be heard, and not be judged you find a solitary way of expressing your frustration. Many guys feel that “those girls” are always there for them and help them to forget their troubles. They also see “those girls” as willing to give them anything they want which boosts their self-esteem.

Also, many times guys have this problem before marriage and marriage only adds to the stress. Imagine if a guy went to his wife and said “honey the things you do and say really stress me out.” Wife gets mad or starts crying which makes guys feel even worse. If wife said the same husband sucks it up and try’s harder or just ignores her. Again, man is penalized for expressing himself. Tell a woman she works too much and guy gets a lecture on women’s rights. Tell a man he works too much and everyone agrees with the wife that family time is needed.

I think the climate and attitude about men in society has become so toxic that guys are trying to escape at any cost. Men once fed off the respect society had for them (even if they weren’t perfect) but these days there is no respect for men. I don’t think it is a coincidence that porn use increased as radical feminism started making the laws.

Oh cry me a river, man! That’s just pathetic, misguided and misogynistic. Making generalizations about women can be incredibly dangerous, as can doing so about men. Remember, respect is earned not given.

 

[silentfactor80]

Oh cry me a river, man! That’s just pathetic, misguided and misogynistic. Making generalizations about women can be incredibly dangerous, as can doing so about men. Remember, respect is earned not given.

Thanks for proving me right! Here, I express myself and bam! Charges of misogyny. Does everytime a man points out a behavior pattern in women qualify as misogyny? If you can’t handle the criticism, you should ask yourself why.

Also, I never said ALL women do it but many do. I regularly read a blog by a woman who refers to herself as “The Peaceful Wife.” She is honest about women and many of the women that post there agree. We are all not perfect people with different vices. Would you call a woman expressing herself about her husband a misandrist? Men and women behave differently. Calling out negative behaviors is not misogynist or misandrist. Treating men or women differently because of their sex IS misogyny or misandry (i.e. giving different opportunity).

 

[Debora123]

Bucket hit the nail on the head. Here is what I would like to add to it. Society expects men to be emotionless stone walls. Women cannot understand what that is like since society expects the complete opposite of women. One of the past girls I dated would cry about the smallest things. I don’t mean to sound like a jerk but if she had to deal with a fraction of what I do she would end up in a crazy hospital. Pretty much every guy is taught to “suck it up” from a very young age. Any tears or any talking about your problems is forbidden. Well, we are humans and expression comes with the territory. When you can’t express yourself, be heard, and not be judged you find a solitary way of expressing your frustration. Many guys feel that “those girls” are always there for them and help them to forget their troubles. They also see “those girls” as willing to give them anything they want which boosts their self-esteem.

Also, many times guys have this problem before marriage and marriage only adds to the stress. Imagine if a guy went to his wife and said “honey the things you do and say really stress me out.” Wife gets mad or starts crying which makes guys feel even worse. If wife said the same husband sucks it up and try’s harder or just ignores her. Again, man is penalized for expressing himself. Tell a woman she works too much and guy gets a lecture on women’s rights. Tell a man he works too much and everyone agrees with the wife that family time is needed.

I think the climate and attitude about men in society has become so toxic that guys are trying to escape at any cost. Men once fed off the respect society had for them (even if they weren’t perfect) but these days there is no respect for men. I don’t think it is a coincidence that porn use increased as radical feminism started making the laws.

It sounds kinda like you’re putting some blame on the wife/girlfriend here…

As for the bolded, we’re really not all like that. Not at all.

 

[Debora123]

Oh cry me a river, man! That’s just pathetic, misguided and misogynistic. Making generalizations about women can be incredibly dangerous, as can doing so about men. Remember, respect is earned not given.

 

[Debora123]

Thanks for proving me right! Here, I express myself and bam! Charges of misogyny. Does everytime a man points out a behavior pattern in women qualify as misogyny? If you can’t handle the criticism, you should ask yourself why.

If that is how you come out and “express yourself” then no wonder women get upset with you.

 

[silentfactor80]

It sounds kinda like you’re putting some blame on the wife/girlfriend here…

As for the bolded, we’re really not all like that. Not at all.

I am not blaming the wife/gf at all!! All I am saying is that marriage is stressful for both the man and woman. The difference though is people care about the woman’s stress where as no one cares how the man feels. He isn’t supposed to care how he feels either. That is society’s standard.

 

[silentfactor80]

If that is how you come out and “express yourself” then no wonder women get upset with you.

Maybe you should read the blog I linked to. Women realize they do what I suggested. I don’t blame or condemn a woman for expressing difficulties in marriage but a man should be encouraged to do the same. He isn’t an emotional punching bag for his wife.

Also, sometimes guys have to be politically incorrect because that is the only time we get anyone’s ear. The rest of the time we are just brushed off.

 

[Debora123]

I am not blaming the wife/gf at all!! All I am saying is that marriage is stressful for both the man and woman. The difference though is people care about the woman’s stress where as no one cares how the man feels. He isn’t supposed to care how he feels either. That is society’s standard.

It sure sounded like it. You were using an imaginary woman’s reaction to her husband saying “you stress me out” as some sort of excuse as to why he uses porn.

As for this whole society standard thing… I think you’re way exaggerating that. Yes, society expects men to be the more emotionally strong gender… but so does God. In fact, God made men that way on purpose. Nonetheless, I never got the impression that society doesn’t care about how men feel, or that men shouldn’t care about their own feelings. Every guy I’ve dated has had a well developed emotional side. Guys cry in movies and on TV all the time. You’re way exaggerating the society thing.

 

[Debora123]

Maybe you should read the blog I linked to. Women realize they do what I suggested. I don’t blame or condemn a woman for expressing difficulties in marriage but a man should be encouraged to do the same. He isn’t an emotional punching bag for his wife.

Also, sometimes guys have to be politically incorrect because that is the only time we get anyone’s ear. The rest of the time we are just brushed off.

That’s all fine, and of course I agree that a man shouldn’t be a punching bag for his wife, or for anyone. Nonetheless, your delivery came off as self pitying and as passing on the blame a little bit… even if you didn’t mean for it to come off that way.

That’s why the very first response you got was of the nature that it was.

 

[ElleDub]

Thank you for your prayers and advice.

I don’t know why my husband chooses pornography. It goes against everything I know of his character. I understand that some men may have distant wives, but we are close friends and enjoy a wonderful intimate life that he says is satisfying. I am a 30 year old mother of five, not a size 0, 18 year old girl who has mutilated her body with FF implants… so while part of me does accept that this isn’t about me and my beauty, I can’t help feeling ashamed as though I cannot compete.

My husband is not an emotionally pent-up guy. He is definitely expressive, one of the most attractive things about him is how well he communicates his feelings. He cries without shame when the situation warrants tears. In fact, I am the one who shoves down my emotions… due to our very different upbringings, but I digress.

I think that’s what hurts the most. I just don’t understand. We are so close and being surprised that way… it feels like a sucker punch.

More in a moment.

 

[silentfactor80]

Thank you for your prayers and advice.

I don’t know why my husband chooses pornography. It goes against everything I know of his character. I understand that some men may have distant wives, but we are close friends and enjoy a wonderful intimate life that he says is satisfying. I am a 30 year old mother of five, not a size 0, 18 year old girl who has mutilated her body with FF implants… so while part of me does accept that this isn’t about me and my beauty, I can’t help feeling ashamed as though I cannot compete.

My husband is not an emotionally pent-up guy. He is definitely expressive, one of the most attractive things about him is how well he communicates his feelings. He cries without shame when the situation warrants tears. In fact, I am the one who shoves down my emotions… due to our very different upbringings, but I digress.

I think that’s what hurts the most. I just don’t understand. We are so close and being surprised that way… it feels like a sucker punch.

More in a moment.

I am sorry to hear of your situation. I pray the best for you both. As I said, you don’t have to compete because “fake girls” are the ones that can’t compete. Why would they go through so much fanfare if they could? Don’t tell yourself differently.

 

[ElleDub]

Yesterday was horrible. My husband expressed a lot of shame and remorse, and I told him my feelings. I did tell him one of the stories from The Pink Cross website, reminded him that these women are someone’s baby girls. I expressed how much trust & vulnerability it takes for me to be physically intimate and how much it devastated me to have that trust gone in a second. We slept apart. I just couldn’t be close with him yesterday. I was too hurt and angry.

Today was better. He invited me to accompany him to Mass this afternoon and I did. He went to confession, and so did I. Father made me laugh through tears when I told him what I had done & the name I called my husband… he said “Well, he deserved it.” He gave me some wonderful advice about dealing with the pain & betrayal, and advice about how to keep my family together.

The readings today included the story of Susannah and the two ‘dirty old men’ who lusted after her and tried to have her killed when she refused them. Father drew parallels to the horrible hold that internet pornography has on our society and the consequences of the sin. As my confession was the last he had time for before Mass, I couldn’t help but feel we had inspired him a bit.

I do love my husband. While I am still hurt and angry, I also feel sorry for him. I can’t do anything as strict as a water fast as one responder shared, because I am nursing our baby, but I will pray and pray and pray.

I believe in the power of prayer. I am concerned for his soul and all I want is my whole family to be in Heaven together.

Please remember us, and families like us, in your prayers. I can’t express how thankful I am to have had this forum to pour out some very scary and horrible emotions. I didn’t feel I could talk to anyone but putting it here has been so helpful.

 

[Debora123]

Thank you for your prayers and advice.

I don’t know why my husband chooses pornography. It goes against everything I know of his character. I understand that some men may have distant wives, but we are close friends and enjoy a wonderful intimate life that he says is satisfying. I am a 30 year old mother of five, not a size 0, 18 year old girl who has mutilated her body with FF implants… so while part of me does accept that this isn’t about me and my beauty, I can’t help feeling ashamed as though I cannot compete.

My husband is not an emotionally pent-up guy. He is definitely expressive, one of the most attractive things about him is how well he communicates his feelings. He cries without shame when the situation warrants tears. In fact, I am the one who shoves down my emotions… due to our very different upbringings, but I digress.

I think that’s what hurts the most. I just don’t understand. We are so close and being surprised that way… it feels like a sucker punch.

More in a moment.

Please don’t blame yourself. I’m sure you’re a beautiful woman, and it sounds like you treat him like gold.

Whatever it is that’s making him do this, has nothing to do with you. What specifically does he say to you when you ask him directly?

 

[Kensho]

Bucket hit the nail on the head. Here is what I would like to add to it. Society expects men to be emotionless stone walls. Women cannot understand what that is like since society expects the complete opposite of women. One of the past girls I dated would cry about the smallest things. I don’t mean to sound like a jerk but if she had to deal with a fraction of what I do she would end up in a crazy hospital. Pretty much every guy is taught to “suck it up” from a very young age. Any tears or any talking about your problems is forbidden. Well, we are humans and expression comes with the territory. When you can’t express yourself, be heard, and not be judged you find a solitary way of expressing your frustration. Many guys feel that “those girls” are always there for them and help them to forget their troubles. They also see “those girls” as willing to give them anything they want which boosts their self-esteem.

Also, many times guys have this problem before marriage and marriage only adds to the stress. Imagine if a guy went to his wife and said “honey the things you do and say really stress me out.” Wife gets mad or starts crying which makes guys feel even worse. If wife said the same husband sucks it up and try’s harder or just ignores her. Again, man is penalized for expressing himself. Tell a woman she works too much and guy gets a lecture on women’s rights. Tell a man he works too much and everyone agrees with the wife that family time is needed.

I think the climate and attitude about men in society has become so toxic that guys are trying to escape at any cost. Men once fed off the respect society had for them (even if they weren’t perfect) but these days there is no respect for men. I don’t think it is a coincidence that porn use increased as radical feminism started making the laws.

I just wanted to say that I see this, get your point, and don’t think you’re being a misogynist or blaming women. I saw this when my husband went through a terrible depression and had to deal with the harsh attitude of, for instance, my mother, who tolerates weakness and emotional sinkholes in women but not in men. To some extent I think we live in a culture that can’t deal with vulnerability in anyone, that sees people going through times of weakness as being permanently ill, and that goes for both men and women – but I do see how it could be harder for a man.

As Debora said, God made men to be stronger(or maybe just less sensitive) emotionally, but that doesn’t mean he intended you to be like machines.