My husband's secret

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ElleDub,

Confession is wonderful. Forgiveness from God is essential. But confession and absolution will not stop the behavior and it certainly doesn’t repair the damage he’s inflicted on your marriage and his own soul.

I don’t think you’re the kind of woman that would demand perfection but you’ve got to demand real and sincere effort. Radical effort. Radical change in his mind and spirit. A massive re-orienting towards God in his life. I’d basically give him marching orders to get into a program, be it 12-step or otherwise and to get a spiritual adviser that he sees weekly. At least weekly.

And then you’ve got to take practical steps to keep him protected from himself. That means removal of the Internet or very strict filters. Remember, this is not punishment. This is not vengeance. This is protecting himself from his own propensity to sin. If your husband was an alcoholic, would you just tell him not to drink but still keep some wine and beer around? No. You’d chuck it all. If a destitute drug addict came to you, would you tell him to go to confession, be absolved but then let him return to his life on the street where he would be surrounded with temptation? No.

Unfortunately, you have to treat him the same way. He needs an environment conducive to success. He needs an environment where it is hard to act out. You can’t be his sponsor/guide either. You’re his wife. He needs a spiritual director/adviser and/or sponsor. And he needs a supportive group to help him. Get him to come to the CAF group for impurity addicts. Get him to go to an in-person S-group. Get him to join a local men’s scripture group. Sexual addiction leads to isolation. Breaking that isolation will help lead to recovery.
 
Kensho said:
I just wanted to say that I see this, get your point, and don’t think you’re being a misogynist or blaming women. I saw this when my husband went through a terrible depression and had to deal with the harsh attitude of, for instance, my mother, who tolerates weakness and emotional sinkholes in women but not in men. To some extent I think we live in a culture that can’t deal with vulnerability in anyone, that sees people going through times of weakness as being permanently ill, and that goes for both men and women – but I do see how it could be harder for a man.

As Debora said, God made men to be stronger(or maybe just less sensitive) emotionally, but that doesn’t mean he intended you to be like machines.
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Thank you many times over!!! Like I said, I understand women have different emotional needs and I definitely don’t blame them for those needs. I just have problem with people that get down on a guy for not being a stone wall and at other times get down on him for being one. We are all human beings and with that comes vulnerability. We should all be able to digress our selves without others being dismissive.
 
The_Bucket said:
ElleDub,

Confession is wonderful. Forgiveness from God is essential. **But confession and absolution will not stop the behavior and it certainly doesn’t repair the damage he’s inflicted on your marriage and his own soul. **

I don’t think you’re the kind of woman that would demand perfection but you’ve got to demand real and sincere effort. Radical effort. Radical change in his mind and spirit. A massive re-orienting towards God in his life. I’d basically give him marching orders to get into a program, be it 12-step or otherwise and to get a spiritual adviser that he sees weekly. At least weekly.

And then you’ve got to take practical steps to keep him protected from himself. That means removal of the Internet or very strict filters. Remember, this is not punishment. This is not vengeance. This is protecting himself from his own propensity to sin. If your husband was an alcoholic, would you just tell him not to drink but still keep some wine and beer around? No. You’d chuck it all. If a destitute drug addict came to you, would you tell him to go to confession, be absolved but then let him return to his life on the street where he would be surrounded with temptation? No.

Unfortunately, you have to treat him the same way. He needs an environment conducive to success. He needs an environment where it is hard to act out. You can’t be his sponsor/guide either. You’re his wife. He needs a spiritual director/adviser and/or sponsor. And he needs a supportive group to help him. Get him to come to the CAF group for impurity addicts. Get him to go to an in-person S-group. Get him to join a local men’s scripture group. Sexual addiction leads to isolation. Breaking that isolation will help lead to recovery.
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The bolded is an issue. Confession does heal the soul if you believe you are forgiven and brings you back to God which makes one stronger. The biological side does not heal as fast however but the body can be made whole by seeking Christ’s healing. The body is slow to follow.
 
silentfactor80 said:
Bucket hit the nail on the head. Here is what I would like to add to it. Society expects men to be emotionless stone walls. Women cannot understand what that is like since society expects the complete opposite of women. One of the past girls I dated would cry about the smallest things. I don’t mean to sound like a jerk but if she had to deal with a fraction of what I do she would end up in a crazy hospital. Pretty much every guy is taught to “suck it up” from a very young age. Any tears or any talking about your problems is forbidden. Well, we are humans and expression comes with the territory. When you can’t express yourself, be heard, and not be judged you find a solitary way of expressing your frustration. Many guys feel that “those girls” are always there for them and help them to forget their troubles. They also see “those girls” as willing to give them anything they want which boosts their self-esteem.

Also, many times guys have this problem before marriage and marriage only adds to the stress. Imagine if a guy went to his wife and said “honey the things you do and say really stress me out.” Wife gets mad or starts crying which makes guys feel even worse. If wife said the same husband sucks it up and try’s harder or just ignores her. Again, man is penalized for expressing himself. Tell a woman she works too much and guy gets a lecture on women’s rights. Tell a man he works too much and everyone agrees with the wife that family time is needed.

I think the climate and attitude about men in society has become so toxic that guys are trying to escape at any cost. Men once fed off the respect society had for them (even if they weren’t perfect) but these days there is no respect for men. I don’t think it is a coincidence that porn use increased as radical feminism started making the laws.
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Siletfactor…there is a lot of truth in this post.

You are blunt and to the point, and I see you are taking bullets for it.

I would only add that, in addition to the reality you describe, the men in todays society have been affected by this attitude for a long time and likely have been getting the constant message since adolesence, thereby greatly hindering the emotional development into adulthood. Hence…porn addictions on the rise.
 
The_Bucket said:
ElleDub,

Confession is wonderful. Forgiveness from God is essential. But confession and absolution will not stop the behavior and it certainly doesn’t repair the damage he’s inflicted on your marriage and his own soul.

I don’t think you’re the kind of woman that would demand perfection but you’ve got to demand real and sincere effort. Radical effort. Radical change in his mind and spirit. A massive re-orienting towards God in his life. I’d basically give him marching orders to get into a program, be it 12-step or otherwise and to get a spiritual adviser that he sees weekly. At least weekly.

And then you’ve got to take practical steps to keep him protected from himself. That means removal of the Internet or very strict filters. Remember, this is not punishment. This is not vengeance. This is protecting himself from his own propensity to sin. If your husband was an alcoholic, would you just tell him not to drink but still keep some wine and beer around? No. You’d chuck it all. If a destitute drug addict came to you, would you tell him to go to confession, be absolved but then let him return to his life on the street where he would be surrounded with temptation? No.

Unfortunately, you have to treat him the same way. He needs an environment conducive to success. He needs an environment where it is hard to act out. You can’t be his sponsor/guide either. You’re his wife. He needs a spiritual director/adviser and/or sponsor. And he needs a supportive group to help him. Get him to come to the CAF group for impurity addicts. Get him to go to an in-person S-group. Get him to join a local men’s scripture group. Sexual addiction leads to isolation. Breaking that isolation will help lead to recovery.
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Thank you so much for your thoughtful and practical advice. I am currently reviewing accountability/web filtering programs, and will make a decision in the next day or so. If that doesn’t help, we certainly will cut off the internet. I know there are ways around that, but at least it is a start. I deal with impulse control when it comes to sweets, so I don’t keep them in the house. I am not an ‘addict’ but the logic is similar… I wouldn’t drive to the store at 10 pm for milk and cookies but if they were home, I would probably reach for them. I know its a lot more complex than that, but its a start.

He called a (male) spiritual advisor on staff, so I will have to ask how that went for him.

I don’t want to just accept his apologies and move on. Actions speak louder than words. We are in a place right now where he is desperate to repair damage and do something about this, but I can only pray it lasts and isn’t just a panicky reaction.

I will suggest the recovery groups you mentioned. Thank you again for your prayers and help. I will keep you updated.

As for me, my emotions are so raw that I don’t even know where to start. Prayer is the only thing that helps me right now. I am so sick over this whole thing, just so shaken. No words can describe it. Part of me wants to just fall into his arms and cry, part of me wants to never speak to him again. Its all so confusing. The damage to our relationship is actually frightening. I feel like I don’t know him and that it will never be okay again between us. I don’t know how we can heal. I want to find marriage counseling for us, but it MUST be Catholic. Its harder to find faithful Catholic help than I thought. Any suggestions there are also welcome.

Again, my sincere thanks.
 
I’d get a combination of filtering and accountability. Acting out needs to be made harder. It just does. And if he goes to far to the line, he needs to be held accountable. I would not suggest that you be the accountability partner. That is not your job. Your job is to be his wife. He needs help outside of your marital relationship. In getting that help he will be doing his part to improve that relationship.

Look, my wife and kids left about 10 months ago. They came back after a couple weeks and you’re darn right it was a panicky time. Since then there have been ebbs and flows. Our marriage has improved but I have not always had spiritual fervor. I’ve remained sober but there are lines you can cross without going over the “BIG ONE” of porn and masturbation. I’ve crossed those smaller lines too many times. If I let myself slide across those lines without a safety net, I will indeed fall.

He will probably do everything he needs to do for weeks, if not months, out of pure terror. But you’ve said this is not the first time he’s been caught. So obviously he’s not learning his lesson. The consequences need to be real and so does the plan for action.

Addiction is serious, serious business. Relapses happen even for those in a serious recovery program, but I’m guessing that you would be far better with that if he was actually making serious efforts, stopped the lying and got back up and kept moving forward if he fell down again. It’s the deceit that is the worst part of this.

We all know that people sin. We all know that sexual temptation in the form of pornography and masturbation is around us all the time. This is not news. But the constant lying and I’m sure the passive-aggressive behavior is what drives you crazy. If he worked a program and got sober for a few months but then acted out, admitted it and then went to confession on his own volition… I’m guessing your attitude would be different than it is right now.

And for good reason. Working a program, being honest, repenting when one fails and getting up and starting anew with the Lord is a healthy way to deal with addictive sin. Burying it is not.
 
I feel so bad for both of you. I want to add to the chorus of all those saying, OP, that this certainly has nothing to do with you. I can’t stress enough that you must try not to take it personally, which I realize is hard to implement if you have no personal experience with addictive behavior. As someone with her own tendency to retreat in times of stress into the world of literature and solitary heavy drinking, I can say that this kind of behavior has nothing to do with lack of love and interest in other people and everything to do with a need for escape from something, into a head-space where there are no troubles and everything is controllable. As well as dealing directly with his addiction and his spiritual damage, your husband should examine his life and see if there is something he is trying to escape from.

It is understandable that you are angry, but try to be angry at this horrible addiction and the cruel perversion that fosters it rather than the hurt and broken man who is the victim of the addiction. And take care of yourself, too, and don’t take onto yourself besides your pain and feeling of betrayal the very, very heavy burden of making yourself responsible for what your husband does. You can’t fix him – you can only support, love, and pray for him. It would be beneficial for you to go to a 12 step group, too, so you can receive support from others in the same situation and remember not to take on more than you can be responsible for.
 
silentfactor80 said:
The bolded is an issue. Confession does heal the soul if you believe you are forgiven and brings you back to God which makes one stronger. The biological side does not heal as fast however but the body can be made whole by seeking Christ’s healing. The body is slow to follow.
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Confession and absolution is all that is necessary to ensure one is in a state of grace. But it does not keep one in a state of grace. Conversion is a lifetime process and so is dealing with addictive sin. Frequent confession, and by that I mean once a month if you’re “sober” and every time you fall, is a necessary component of a Catholic recovery program in my book. It is, however, just part of a program.

I’d add more frequent attendance of Mass and adoration to that list. Same with daily prayer. But then there needs to be a community aspect of it. As I said, sexual addiction… really all addiction… is isolating. Sometimes there’s a “community” for substance addicts, but sexual addiction is almost always isolating and shame-filled. Breaking that isolation is critical. In person S-groups have been helpful for me, but so has a parish men’s scripture group and even secular things like joining a local sports club and just socializing more often in general. If an addict is good at being really duplicitous and is just fine on the social front, I’d encourage volunteer activities like soup kitchens or Habitat for Humanity. Something with community involvement but involvement that lowers oneself to the role of servant.
 
There are millions of men who watch, read, and surf for porn. Almost all of the men who do this have been doing so since their teens.

What was once a ‘dirty’ thing to do, has become very socially acceptable in our society.

THAT DOES NOT MAKE IT RIGHT.

Like another poster said, porn can be like an addictive drug, or like smoking. It’s hard to stop. Seriously…

I have no doubt that your husband loves you very much, and you are the only woman he wants. He needs help and support. Also… putting the computer in a ‘public’ place will help too.

Your husband needs your help. That doesn’t mean what he did is okay or acceptable, but if this ‘habbit’ goes back to before you were married, it might be hard to shake off. Temptation is hard, and we all sin. Be firm, but fair with him.
 
I apologize for such a stupid question, but does it cost money to view porn? If so, is that another way to monitor behavior?
 
90Domer said:
I apologize for such a stupid question, but does it cost money to view porn? If so, is that another way to monitor behavior?
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Not a stupid question; since you don’t know we can reasonably assume you’ve never tried. :D:p

A lot of porn is available for free on youtube and many porn sites. There is some stuff which requires payment, but it is fairly rare because there is so much free stuff.
 
90Domer said:
I apologize for such a stupid question, but does it cost money to view porn? If so, is that another way to monitor behavior?
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It can, if you choose for it to. But I can’t count how many pornographic movies/scenes I’ve watched in my life and I never paid a cent for it.

Suffice to say that there are now dozens if not hundreds of “Youtube” type sites dedicated solely to pornography. It’s terrifying.
 
ElleDub said:
As for me, my emotions are so raw that I don’t even know where to start. Prayer is the only thing that helps me right now. I am so sick over this whole thing, just so shaken. No words can describe it. Part of me wants to just fall into his arms and cry, part of me wants to never speak to him again. Its all so confusing. The damage to our relationship is actually frightening. I feel like I don’t know him and that it will never be okay again between us. I don’t know how we can heal. I want to find marriage counseling for us, but it MUST be Catholic. Its harder to find faithful Catholic help than I thought. Any suggestions there are also welcome.
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I would recommend calling Catholic Charities in your area (or going through your Church which I believe can also do this for you). Catholic Charities can get you in touch (and usually quickly if you explain the urgency!) with an appropriate Catholic counselor, or at the very minimum a Christian counselor who understands, knows, and is very familiar with Catholic teachings and will counsel accordingly.
My prayers are with you and your family!
 
Ellendub, I am truly sorry that you and your family are going through this difficult and painful situation. I think it is good that your husband is sorry and ashamed of his addiction and willing to go to confession over it. There are many out there that are not and take a more defiant stance.

I agree with the Bucket and others that your husband should seek counseling and perhaps a SA group. It sounds like he has tried to stop before and has fallen back into it. It is unrealistic to believe that the same would not happen again. It is not necessarily because he has a lack of love for you, your family or God. It is because he has an addiction which involves both the chemical reactions in the brain like drugs and an instinctual reproductive desire that has been corrupted by our society and his past exposure to sexual immorality. On the spiritual side, he is also under attach by the one who wants to destroy both him and your family. These are very powerful forces that can be extremely difficult to deal with by oneself. These forces can’t just be wished away with good intentions.

He may very well be of the “right mind” right now and agree with everything you or any of us say. However, at some point in the future the addiction might take hold again, and even though he still might intellectually agree with you, his thought process will change, it will go on a quest, it will feel very important to him even though he at the same time hates it and himself. One key for somebody like your husband who intellectually does not want sexual immorality is to recognize when his thought process is changing, starting to seek out immorality, and halt it immediately. This is where professional help and accountability partners can greatly help him. The good news is that the longer he keeps up the battle, the longer he stays sober, the less of a hold it will have on him. He will always be susceptible to fall back into it, but he can gain enough control to avoid it.

The spiritual battle is also extremely important, frequent confession, prayer, adoration etc. However, as somebody else pointed out it can be dangerous to ignore the psychological and biologically forces at work too. The danger can be a crisis of faith, a defeat along the lines that “I must not love God enough or I am simply not strong or good enough to beat this…I have failed God and he has given up on me”. It is true that we are not strong enough, we in fact need God’s grace. God however, does not give up on us!
 
whm said:
The danger can be a crisis of faith, a defeat along the lines that “I must not love God enough or I am simply not strong or good enough to beat this…I have failed God and he has given up on me”. It is true that we are not strong enough, we in fact need God’s grace. God however, does not give up on us!
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This is absolutely right. I’ve been quite the “intellectual Catholic” for most of my life. Studied Church history, knew my doctrine backwards and forwards but did not meet Christ personally. I thought that was for “other people.” You know, like mystics or something. With Christ absent from my personal life, I was mostly a rules guy. And I beat myself up so hard and the sin of pride was with me for so long. Still is, actually.

It’s that pride that says “I know this is wrong and I’m doing it anyway. God must hate me.” I knew intellectually that God loves everyone but I thought that I somehow was exempt because hey, I’m a smart guy! God only loves sinners that don’t know what they’re doing. Not people who know it’s wrong and do it anyway. WRONG.

Pope Francis spoke on the subject simply but eloquently on Sunday. God never tires of forgiving. Our job is to do all we can to get to the point where we offend Him less frequently. Not because He’ll love us more if we sin less frequently and less severely, but because we’ll love Him more.
 
Just a few pieces of advice, mostly for ellendub’s husband rather than the OP herself, based on my own experiences
  1. What Bucket said
  2. Try Covenant Eyes as an accountabity and monitoring software. I designated my wife as my accountabity partner. Gee, when I know she has access to every site I visit and every search query I enter, it makes it easy to stay away from porn. I have it set up at home, on my office computer, and also on my phone. Yes, porn is available elsewhere, but not at the click of a mouse, and not without the trouble, shame, and embarrassment of buying it at a convenience store or worse. It’s not a complete solution, but it’s part of avoiding the near occasion of sin.
  3. Rosary every day, preferably in the morning. It keeps the mind and soul tuned where they ought to be, and it centers a person in a remarkable way. Don’t know how I got along without it.
  4. Your husband can read up on, and grow to love, your patron saint and those of your five children. Then pray for their intercession every day.
  5. There’s a beautiful prayer to St Joseph, for chastity. Google for it. When I’ve prayed, each morning, that “being preserved from all uncleanness, I may with spotless mind, pure heart, and chaste body, ever most chastely serve Jesus and Mary all the days of my life,” it becomes very difficult to even THINK about porn, other than in the abstract sense that I hate it for all the destruction it causes.
I’m so very sorry for what you’re going through. You and your family are in my prayers and will remain there.
 
Internet porn is so powerful and insidious that it is destroying marriages left and right. Most men have no idea of the emotional impact that porn use has on their wives and the when they figure it out they are addicted and unable to quit even if they want to. I was there so I know.
It is really hard to stop the internet in this day and age and it will put a real rift in the family. I use a filter which will absolutely block access to porn sites and the one I use has an accountability feature that will alert you with an email or better yet an accountability partner that he respects, when he is trying to get to the porn sites. if he agrees to put it on the computers even laptops the the filterring will work wherever he finds a connection. When I started using this it saved my marriage and it was a relief since the porn use had been messing up my prayer life and also putting my job and reputation in jeapordy. I use one called wisechoice.net
 
With Hell looming, to use your own words, you must forgive him, especially if he asks. He’s an addict. He needs your help.
 
My husband also suffers from this addiction. I would also check your phone bills for phone sex. There are numbers that they call like a chat room and wait for a sex addict woman to get on the phone then they masterbate together. My husband also went to the porn shops to masterbate in the booths in the back, you feed $ into the computer for the amount of minutes you need. We have been married for 19 years. I found out about a year and a half ago this has been happening from the beginning. He tried to stop on his own and then needed more and more scummy ways to masterbate. The only way for him to stop is to be accountable to others. It took me more than a year to stop calling him names and calm down. This addiction is like all addictions and causes anger to those around them. WE need to seek help for ourselves. I still have little respect for him. We are still living together. Seek and s-anon group for yourself and have him find a Sa or SLAA group. He must also confess to the priest.
 
I am not married so I can only partially relate to this thread.😊 I’m a 19 year old single young man, recovering from porn and masturbation addiction. (A sinful way of dealing with my first real rejection, but I have a whole 'nother thread about that… :o) It’s tough, no doubt about that. But, what really, truly jolted me about my whole previous situation was my realization that I do want to get married someday and that my actions profane that dream, and very much so, at that! Confession helped so much. Feeling God’s hand on my shoulder was a great feeling. I do feel tempted sometimes, yes. But when these times hit, I pray. I pray for Jesus to cast away these demons, and help me to grow closer to Him. I couldn’t ever imagine getting married with such a sin on my conscience…! It would surely destroy my marriage.😦 This forum has helped me tons when it comes to deepening my my faith and such. It’s a wonderful resource for a lost soul like me! It just goes to show that any situation/trouble we are in, He can take the trouble and transform it into a thing of beauty. Thank you.

P.S. All of you will be in my prayers! Especially those whom are having trouble with sexual addiction, or those with loved ones (like the OP).

God Bless
Mat
 
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