My in-laws are trying to convince my finance to become a baptist...

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Nicci

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I’m embarrased to say, especially me being of the catholic religion but me and my fiance have 9 month old son together. I have to admit that I don’t feel fully educated about my religion and while I was pregnant I made the decision to renew my catholic faith and understanding. Being that my fiance was raised not being apart of any religion, I wanted him to join with me and have him go through the process of getting baptised, receiving the first holy communion, and confirmation, so we can eventually get married in a catholic church and be a family of the same religion.

We’ve been together for 2 years now. I was born and raised into a catholic family and my fiance didn’t really have a religion growing up. When we first met, his Mom and Stepdad just started being active in a baptist church and he always declined to their invitation to attend with them. For a long time now, my fiance’s Mom is always trying to tuck him in to attending church with them and sometimes even tries to blackmale him (example: Since I did this for you then can you go church with us?), I honestly don’t know if it’s jokingly or if she’s serious. The last straw was when one evening she invited us over for dinner, come to find that she set us up to meet with their pastor. Out of respect I of course went along with it, we went through some verses from the bible. He asked my opinion on some of the verses. He told me that the baptist bible is the actual bible and that the bible catholic’s use had things added on to it through the years. He told me that everything catholics do and believe is wrong… That “you have to be saved” to go to heaven… I almost cried, I had no feedback because of my poor understanding of my religion. But I did know one thing for a fact, that it was wrong of him to do that, it was disrepectful of him to say those things to me when I was born and raised into the catholic religion. I just felt so offended, even if I tried so hard to not take it personal, I couldn’t help it… He didn’t have to talk about my religion so specificly…

Another incident happened just two nights ago… My fiance’s mom was about the leave our place and she said “We better go cause we have CHURCH (she said it in a hinting way to my finance, hinting him to go with them) tomorrow…” My fiance replied, “Oh, we have church tomorrow too…” then she said “OKAY! GO PRAY TO MOTHER MARY THEN!” in a loud and rude way… Once again I felt so offended, I didn’t want to correct her because I felt if I did she might take it disrepectful of me to answer her back…

My fiance feels so confused, he feels like he’s choosing sides. He sometimes even says, “I just won’t have a religion so I can keep both of you happy…” It hurts when he says things like this, I want us to be a family of the same religion… I just wish my fiance’s Mom could just leave him alone and make him decide on his own religion. I told him that it’s his choice but I also told him that our relationship might not work if we have different religions.

Please help, how can I resolve this? Is it really true that a baptist bible is the actual bible? Is it wrong of me to feel so offended by my finance’s mom’s words and actions?

Nicci
 
I commend you for biting your tongue and not replying to such an ignorant woman. I really haven’t any advice to give you, but I’m sure there will be several who can help you in this situation here. I will definitely pray for you both.
 
I hope you hugged and kissed your fiance after his mother left for standing up for the faith.

The Baptist Bible came from the Catholic Bible.
They took books out.

Now is not the time to go head to head with fiance’s baptist family. They honestly believe their son would be damned to hell for entering Catholicism, but that’s just because it’s all they’ve been told, and it really isn’t going to help you or them if you start telling them the error of their ways.

Focus on your relationship with your fiance. Concentrate on getting him through RCIA, growing spiritually with him, together as a couple - as that is what a Catholic marriage is all about. Together, later, through the way you live your lives and raise your child his family will learn the truth about Catholicism.

Most of our apologetics comes from our actions, not our words. So live a full, spiritual, peaceful and blessed life as testimony to those around you.

Congratulations on your engagement and on this faith journey you and your fiance are taking.
 
Be especially aware, also, to your witness to your future in-laws.
Do your best to act in a Christian manner at all times, both to them and your boyfriend. This doesn’t require that you know all the details of everything on earth, but simply that you behave in a Christian manner. I know how easy it is to lose your temper in a situation like that, but do your best in any comments you make on anything that it will reflect your beliefs.

As St. Francis said, “Preach the gospel always and when neccessary use words” Somehting like that. I probably paraphrased a bit :).

Here, you may like these, too:
scripturecatholic.com/
peterkreeft.com/featured-writing.htm
newadvent.org/
catholic.com/thisrock/2005/2005_ann.asp

and all the good stuff on this site too!
 
First, Thank your fiance then thank the Lord that your fiance is aware of what is going on! He does feel torn–rightly so! His mother is putting him in a position of choosing what he knows and loves (you) and what he knows and loves (his parents).

The problem is that his staying nothing does not help anything. He doesn’t please himself. He doesn’t please his mother. He doesn’t please his wife-to-be. He doesn’t please the Lord.

Why do that? Because he has a strong desire to be loving and respectful to his parents. I understand ALL too well.

Second, you need to pick up the book Toxic In-Laws by Susan Forward. You’ll probably see your mother-in-law-to-be in those sketches of in-laws who simply don’t have proper boundaries with their adult children. It will help you and your fiance to see that this is not your fault or something you did. This is a problem his mother is having, and it will cause problems for your marriage if he allows her to continue like she has been doing. If it wasn’t religion, it would be something else. You need to realize you cannot just appease her on this and all be well.

As our counselor told my husband when he was strongly considering leaving me to make his mother happy, “You’re going to have to deal with your mother whether Forest Pine is in your life or not. It will probably be much easier to do so with your wife by your side.”

(Another book I’d recommend is His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley if you want to have a discussion on how to recognize and agree together on how to handle difficulties like this as they arise. Many libraries have both books available.)

Third, you need to work on disengaging and setting boundaries. It is HARD to do emotionally. It will be especially so for your fiance. His own parents know the right buttons to push, and believe me, they will. If you keep your ground, they will most likely have a pretty sharp learning curve, though. A couple visits with a psychologist (the diocese should be able to refer you to one who will see you on a sliding scale based on what you can afford) to help you two know the right words to use should help a lot.

Fourth, you need to start learning your faith. Don’t feel overwhelmed! There is a lot. And it is perfectly OK to not know the answers. I know some people will make you feel like you need to, but you do not need to justify your faith to them.

Fifth, don’t equate being polite with being walked on. To the Protestant minister: “I’m sorry, sir. I didn’t realize you had the impression that we were looking for a faith home. We are not interested. Would you like some more rolls?”

Sixth, check out the tracts on the left side “Library” of the CatholicAnswers website. And use the search button or start a thread here if you have a question about something you don’t understand.

There are a number of converts here, all at different stages–many at the same as you. Several are converts from atheism or agnosticism as well, if your fiance wants to ask them about difficulties from going from no faith to having faith.

And there are, unfortunately, a number of us with in-law problems to boot. 😛 (Do a search on the word in-law!) Bottom line: you are welcome here. Oh, and welcome home!

PS: You might like this article: What’s your authority? I don’t provide the link to encourage you to enter into dialogue with Protestants about this as you are still growing in your faith, but I offer it to strengthen your faith and understanding. It starts off like this:

*This is nothing fancy, just a little script you might learn from. In Catholic Answers’ seminars we try to emphasize the point that you should always demand that a missionary who comes to your door first establish his authority for what he is going to tell you, and only then proceed to discuss the particular issues he has in mind.

By “authority,” we don’t mean his personal or academic credentials. We mean his authority to claim he can rightly interpret the Bible. The missionary (unless he is a Mormon, of course, in which case his authority is the Book of Mormon) will always claim to fall back on the authority of Scripture. “Scripture says this” or “Scripture proves that,” he will tell you.

So before you turn to the verses he brings up, and thus to the topic he brings up, demand that he demonstrate a few things…
*
 
Nicci I have come from a slightly similar situation. My girlfriend (whom I hope will soon be my fiance) entered the Presbyterian Church some time last year. At the time I was a Catholic in name only, and I was actually happy for her to seek God in this church of hers. But after a while, she started telling me of some anti-Catholicism happening at this church (such as Catholics aren’t Christians and stuff like that), and so I decided to check it out for myself. To begin with, they were quite convincing; however the fantastic thing is that I didn’t take their word as the truth, I went and checked out their claims for myself. Several things helped me with this:

  1. *]This website
    *]Another website, Catholic Outlook, run by Gary Hoge
    *]Karl Keating’s fabulous book, Catholicism and Fundamentalism. I highly recommend you purchasing this book. It is slightly difficult to read for those of us who are uneducated in religious stuff, but it gets easier after the beginning.

    Since then my journey to the Catholic Church is almost complete (should be getting confirmed next Easter). But this made my relationship with my girlfriend very difficult. Some of the people at her church (even some people who really like me as a person) have counselled her to dump me. At one stage, I was very worried that we would break up. However she has now started reading Karl’s book (Karl if you read this, thank you so much for writing this wonderful book), and she has actually made the first step towards Catholicism: she believes sola scriptura is a false doctrine. Nicci, sola scriptura (Bible alone) is perhaps the defining doctrine of Protestantism; they believe that you can derive all of doctrine from the Bible alone. The (simple) problem with sola scriptura however, is that there is no such thing as sola scriptura to be found in the Bible!! And so it is self-violating.

    Anyway, my advice to you is to become as educated in the Catholic Church as possible. Every single objection that I have seen levelled against the Catholic Church, has been sufficiently answered. It is truly the Church of logic and reason (in that -by the grace of God - logic and reason will lead any objective person into the Catholic Church). I would also suggest to you to buy a Catechism, so that when you see a simple objection raised against the Catholic Church, you can say “well how about we see if that’s in the Catechism”. Also, like others have said, make sure you live a fully Christian lifestyle, as this will be the best witness for your fiance’s parents. You and your family are in my prayers.

    God bless.
 
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Nicci:
Being that my fiance was raised not being a part of any religion, I wanted him to join with me and have him go through the process of getting baptised, receiving the first holy communion, and confirmation, so we can eventually get married in a catholic church and be a family of the same religion.
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Sounds great! 🙂
But I did know one thing for a fact, that it was wrong of him to do that, it was disrepectful of him to say those things to me when I was born and raised into the catholic religion. I just felt so offended, even if I tried so hard to not take it personal, I couldn’t help it… He didn’t have to talk about my religion so specificly…
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You are completely right: what he did was wrong. Please accept my apologies for what he did.
My fiance replied, “Oh, we have church tomorrow too…” then she said “OKAY! GO PRAY TO MOTHER MARY THEN!” in a loud and rude way… Once again I felt so offended, I didn’t want to correct her because I felt if I did she might take it disrepectful of me to answer her back…
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She may well be doing it because she believes what the Baptist preacher does: that her son will go to Hell if he becomes a Catholic. I think that you ought to understand this for two reasons: it will help you to realise that she is not just being nasty, and also to realise that you might never be able to make her understand your viewpoint.

Some of us, however, will be praying for you.
My fiance feels so confused, he feels like he’s choosing sides. He sometimes even says, “I just won’t have a religion so I can keep both of you happy…” It hurts when he says things like this, I want us to be a family of the same religion… I just wish my fiance’s Mom could just leave him alone and make him decide on his own religion. I told him that it’s his choice but I also told him that our relationship might not work if we have different religions.
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Having a relationship with someone of a different faith is very difficult, but many thousands of people have managed it over the years. The problem lies in the fact that you have a very significant portion of your life which you cannot share with the person whom you most love, unless he is very open-minded about it. He does sound pretty open-minded, and I would caution you against pressuring him into anything. Help him with his problem and you will probably do more towards converting him than any number of words.
Please help, how can I resolve this? Is it really true that a baptist bible is the actual bible? Is it wrong of me to feel so offended by my finance’s mom’s words and actions?
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No and no. Click on these links for a quick-and-easy explanation of the Bibles, and the ‘extra’ books.
 
I’m sure this place has a website, and maybe someone here might have more info, but what REALLY helped me for a great start in understanding our faith are a booklet series by San Juan Catholic Seminars. There are 7 or 8 booklets titiled “Beginning Apologetics”. A couple of them cover responding to Jehovah’s Witnesses and Mormons, but I would recommend those as well because they are all wery helpful reading if you don’t know a lot about the faith. They are each only about as thick as a magazine and very easy to read and understand, and inexpensive. You may be able to find them at a Catholic book store in your area as well. The very first one covers the bible and will give the answers to the things that they said about where the bible came from. Good Luck!🙂
 
I would visit www.biblechristiansociety.com
they have free cd’s all you have to do is pay a couple dollars shipping. These are easy to understand and really help a lot. They teach you how to defend your faith and understand how it all fits together without having to spend a whole lot of time or have a background reading a lot of books.

At least visit the website and read the free apologetics 101 lessons and get the CD’s if you can’t afford it or need some help PM me and I will send you some stuff free.

My wife and I came into the Catholic Church from an evangelical church with much study and prayer. Be an example, and learn a little bit, you have the truth on your side you just need to learn it a little bit.

God Bless
Scylla
 
Nicci,
I went church-hopping, and in the end narrowed it down to Baptist or Catholic. I chose Catholic. The reason is doctrinal consistency. Catholics are devout, pious, generous, God-focused, conservative, and consistent - same doctrine, same teachings - everywhere you go. Baptists are devout, pious, generous, God-focused, and conservative, but they are NOT consistent, not even from one town to the next.

When I was in the military, I moved every few years and visited numerous countries. I saw firsthand exactly how consistent Catholic teaching and worship is, in every language. And I also saw firsthand exactly how inconsistent Baptist teaching and worship is.

In Louisiana Baptists believe communion is truly the Body and Blood of Christ. Jesus said it - literally - and they believe it - literally. In New Mexico and Kentucky communion is a simple memorial meal. To even suggest that the bread and grape juice is anything more than bread and grape juice is the worst kind of heresy.

The Preamble to the Baptist Faith and Message, as stated in 1925, 1963, 1998 and 2000, specifically allows for this inconsistency:
(1) That they constitute a consensus of opinion of some Baptist body, large or small, for the general instruction and guidance of our own people and others concerning those articles of the Christian faith which are most surely held among us. They are not intended to add anything to the simple conditions of salvation revealed in the New Testament, viz., repentance toward God and faith in Jesus Christ as Saviour and Lord.

(2) That we do not regard them as complete statements of our faith, having any quality of finality or infallibility. As in the past so in the future, Baptists should hold themselves free to revise their statements of faith as may seem to them wise and expedient at any time.

*(3) That any group of Baptists, large or small, have the inherent right to draw up for themselves and publish to the world a confession of their faith whenever they may think it advisable to do so. *

*(4) That the sole authority for faith and practice among Baptists is the Scriptures of the Old and New Testaments. Confessions are only guides in interpretation, having no authority over the conscience. *

*(5) That they are statements of religious convictions, drawn from the Scriptures, and are not to be used to hamper freedom of thought or investigation in other realms of life. *** *In the words of the Preamble, any group of Baptists who disagrees with any interpretation of scripture is perfectly within their rights to dissent and preach an alternate message, whenever they may think it advisable to do so. :eek:

In contrast to the above, we have the Apostolic Constitution Fidei Depositum on the Publication of the Catechism of the Catholic Church, signed by Pope John Paul II. In part:
Therefore, I ask all the Church’s Pastors and the Christian faithful to receive this catechism in a spirit of communion and to use it assiduously in fulfilling their mission of proclaiming the faith and calling people to the Gospel life. This catechism is given to them that it may be a sure and authentic teaching reference text for teaching catholic doctrine and particularly for preparing local catechisms. It is also offered to all the faithful who wish to deepen their knowledge of the unfathomable riches of salvation. It is meant to support ecumenical efforts that are moved by the holy desire for the unity of all Christians, showing carefully the content and wonderous harmony of the catholic faith. The Catechism of the Catholic Church, lastly, is offered to every individual who asks us to give an account of the hope that is in us and who wants to know what the Catholic Church believes.

This catechism is not intended to replace the local catechisms duly approved by the ecclesiastical authorities, the diocesan Bishops and the Episcopal Conferences, especially if they have been approved by the Apostolic See. It is meant to encourage and assist in the writing of new local catechisms, which take into account various situations and cultures, while carefully preserving the unity of faith and fidelity to catholic doctrine.
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I hope you see my point. Given the choice between an affiliation of independent churches whose teaching changes every time I moved into a new town, and a unified church that is as consistent as Jesus in its teaching, I chose Catholic.
 
In defense of your MIL, she no doubt loves her son & her grandchild very much and is worried about their souls because she obviously doesn’t understand the Catholic Faith. I am certain she has only good intentions. Likewise with the Pastor. Chalk the whole thing up as ignorance. You said you were raised Catholic - yet you don’t feel fully educated about the Chruch - I think it’s too much to expect them to understand.

I agree with the poster who said you need to be the BEST example of a Christian that you can be. Work on your spiritual life and pray for your boyfriend. Encourage him to come with you - but don’t push. And be as kind as possible to your MIL. Thank her for her concern - and kindly tell her that you aren’t interested. A great book IMO is My Life on the Rock - by Jeff Cavins. Talks about how he was raised Catholic, left the church - got saved & came back again. You should read it & then pass it on to her.

God Bless you,
CM
 
I’m sure she does want the best for him, no doubt about that… But it makes me feel like she wants to pull him away from me, from his family… She’s not considering and accepting that I’m a catholic and her grandson was baptised catholic and that I refuse to convert or even attend their church regularly. My fiance also has another son from a previous relationship and he was baptised catholic as well. Why can’t she accept that since his family is all catholic then he should be catholic too? She always insists that HE go to church with them, like she wants to separate him from his own family…

I failed to mention that me and my fiance did attend their church once or twice, we just wanted to see what it was like and also because I was at their place that day and my MIL was being aggresive with my fiance so I tagged along cause he wanted me to go (it was both our first time)… I thought maybe just maybe we would like it, well we both agreed that we didn’t feel comfortable… I was pregnant at the time and of course everyone knew we weren’t married yet and we both felt like we were being looked at like we were ALIENS… We did not feel like we fit it, we did not feel accepted… We didn’t feel welcomed at all…

I also failed to mention that I think the main reason my MIL thinks so badly of the catholic religion is because she use to be a catholic herself and I guess it did her no good. She’s always like “You know, when I was a catholic, I didn’t know anything…” That was actually her fault, her fault for not making enough effort in wanting to truely know and understand the religion … She doesn’t have to think so bad about catholics because of her own mistake, you need to make effort in wanting to learn and understand any religion…

I’ve put up with my MIL’s comments to my fiance about religion (in front of me) quite a number of times… Like “you better read that little pamphlet about BEING SAVED or else you’ll go to hell!” I think that’s rude, it’s like she’s saying I’m gonna go to hell… I never ever talk about or compare our religion… I totally respect their religion, why can’t they respect mine? Each religion has their own different beliefs and I understand and repect that…
carol marie:
In defense of your MIL, she no doubt loves her son & her grandchild very much and is worried about their souls because she obviously doesn’t understand the Catholic Faith. I am certain she has only good intentions. Likewise with the Pastor. Chalk the whole thing up as ignorance. You said you were raised Catholic - yet you don’t feel fully educated about the Chruch - I think it’s too much to expect them to understand.

I agree with the poster who said you need to be the BEST example of a Christian that you can be. Work on your spiritual life and pray for your boyfriend. Encourage him to come with you - but don’t push. And be as kind as possible to your MIL. Thank her for her concern - and kindly tell her that you aren’t interested. A great book IMO is My Life on the Rock - by Jeff Cavins. Talks about how he was raised Catholic, left the church - got saved & came back again. You should read it & then pass it on to her.

God Bless you,
CM
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Nicci, I know where your coming from because I’ve dealt with similiar issues with my MIL. (although she’s more indirect about it).

First of all, I think the biggest problem here isn’t so much the religious differences as it sounds like the apron strings haven’t been completely severed yet and could cause all kinds of trouble when you marry this guy. Part of it may be your fiance’s fault, but it really sounds like his mom has NO respect for his independence or for YOU. I wouldn’t even considering marrying this guy until you are sure that he will always, without fail, stick up for you to his mom. HE needs to be able to put his foot down and establish the boundaries for mom: She WILL respect his wife, she WILL respect the Catholic religious upbringing of the grandkids (meaning she will keep her anti-cathoic remarks to herself in front of kids…my MIL has done this to my kids behind my back), , etc… The point is your fiance needs to stand up to her. Not necessarily you, but HIM.

Secondly, don’t give your fiance ultimatums about converting. Even suddle ultimatums (“relationship may not work out unless…”). Learn your faith, live your faith, gently share it with him if he’s open to it, pray for him. But let HIM decide without pressure from you. Otherwise, especially with the pressure from his mom, you could end up with an atheist, religion- hating husband.

When your MIL makes her rude remarks, you do not have to sit there silently and take it. Once you learn your faith (and stick around this site to learn how to defend your faith), when she comes at you with catholic bashing, you can gently and charitably come back at her with an EXPLANATION of the faith. You don’t have to argue or be confrontational, just use the opportunity to explain what the church really teaches about that specific topic. I’ll bet after this happens a few times, she’ll get bored (or intimidated) with it and keep her mouth shut. And this is just another issue your fiance needs to lay down the law. He needs to make it clear to his mom that her rude remarks and catholic bashing in front of you will NOT be tolerated at all. And he needs to be firm about it. And if she still does it, then it’s time for him to cut her out of his life until she learns to behave. He must put you first if he’s going to marry you, even before his mom. Don’t settle for anything less.

The balls in your court. The only way for you to handle this situation is to learn everything you can about your faith and learn how to defend it. This site is a good place to start. Do you have a Catholic bookstore around you? Buy every apologetics book you can get your hands on. I’m sure others here can offer some title suggestions. ( Keating’s “Catholicism and Fundamentalism” is a good one and there are many others too). If you don’t have a store close to you, there are catholic bookstores online. Read, read , read, and read some more. Then pray. 😉
 
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masondoggy:
I wouldn’t even considering marrying this guy until you are sure that he will always, without fail, stick up for you to his mom.
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I know, I get upset at him and I explain how her comments offend me or make me feel bad… He doesn’t understand! He doesn’t understand why I get so sensitive, I guess because he was raised not knowing any religion and I guess because I’m not that religious and he thinks I shouldn’t… He doesn’t take her comments as referring to me (my religion), he takes her comments referring to US but I know and feel she speaks directly to him but is refering to me… The very last time she made a comment, the next day via phone I expressed to my fiance (a 2nd time) how it bothered me, we argued and I ended up hanging up on him cause I was upset… He called back about 15 minutes later saying that he called his Mom, he talked to her about how her comment bothered me and she told him that she was just joking and that she didn’t know that I was going to take it personally, she apologized (not directly to me though). I wonder if she will finally stop making her rude comments… The next time a religion thing comes up, I think I’m going to blow up! :mad:
 
Just wanted to say one thing, years ago someone, very rudely said those same words to my mother–“Just go pray to Mother Mary then.!” My mother said, “Oh, don’t worry, I will.” -and she did, and that person converted to the Catholic Church and later apologized. Ask the Blessed Mother to help you all, she will. She does quick work. Go to His Mother, she knows her Son. I will keep you all in prayer in my daily Rosary, God bless you.
 
Wow! So many uh-ohs! You two really need to work on your relationship together before you can together work on your relationship with his mom.
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Nicci:
I know, I get upset at him and I explain how her comments offend me or make me feel bad…

What he hears is constant nagging from you (even if you aren’t nagging, that’s how it filters in when you repeat the message more than once) about someone he thinks is wonderful. You need to work on an atmosphere of trust and respect. Try, “When your mom says __________, it frustrates me because I don’t know how to respond.” and “When your mom puts Catholicism down and you don’t respond, it makes me very sad and dissapointed.” These won’t work, though, unless you are both on the same wavelength that your can talk about things and decide TOGETHER on the best way to address something (knowing you will not agree until you are both happy).

He doesn’t understand! He doesn’t understand why I get so sensitive, I guess because he was raised not knowing any religion and I guess because I’m not that religious and he thinks I shouldn’t…

No, he genuinely doesn’t. And what you’ve tried to date hasn’t helped. So you need to try something different. Please talk with your fiance like above and see if you two can agree on picking up Toxic In-Laws to look through (in the hopes of getting some tips on how to work on your relationship together AND together work on your relationship with his parents). Make sure he knows you want to make his relationship with mom as a matter of importance, too. If he doesn’t want to look at it with you, please get it for yourself.

He doesn’t take her comments as referring to me (my religion), he takes her comments referring to US but I know and feel she speaks directly to him but is refering to me…

This is a common tactic discussed in the book Toxic In-Laws. He really doesn’t see it; he doesn’t comprehend it. Imagine you are in an advanced math class and you haven’t been in math since high school algebra. If the prof writes a formula across the entire board and explains in the most difficult of terms how he then comes from the second to last step to the answer, you will sit there dumbfounded. If you ask him to explain and he says the exact same words again, what good is it going to do you? NONE! If he is exasperated and breaks it down a little more, you will still have no clue. He will have to break it down to the algebra level, then teach you from there on up. It is going to take patience and understanding on the prof’s part. You’ll understand eventually, but if the prof is a jerk and makes you feel stupid or incompetant, you won’t keep coming to class and will never learn. Please pick up His Needs Her Needs to see how you can live in a way that will break it down for him and help him understand. Enlist his help! Make him feel like part of the solution instead of part of the problem! Work together so you both feel happy about the outcome!
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Nicci:
The very last time she made a comment, the next day via phone I expressed to my fiance (a 2nd time) how it bothered me,

A second time? Does that mean you didn’t come to a conclusion the first? Was he in a place that he could sit and work on this with you or did he feel bombarded?

we argued and I ended up hanging up on him cause I was upset…

Arguing as in fighting as in you two pitted against each other is not helping your relationship. Hanging up on your beloved is not wise. A better way of dealing with this would have been to say, "Honey, I can see that we aren’t going to agree now and I know you don’t have the time this issue needs to talk about it right now, but I’d really like to work with you to see what we can do together. When can we talk about it instead? _________ OK, I’ll make dinner on Friday and then we can talk after little one falls asleep. I love you! Drive carefully!"

He called back about 15 minutes later saying that he called his Mom,

Nuh-uh. He took what you said and passed it on to his mom without your knowledge or agreement? That was wrong of him. He took it into his own hands and decided with Mom what the solution would be. (Of course, he did this because he knew what Mom would say and then he could pass it all off that you are the only one with a problem. Of course you are! Your MIL-to-be is coming between you and your fiance and he is letting her. He’s supposed to be standing beside you and instead he’s standing with mom.) Of course you are mad about this! Please get His Needs, Her Needs.

he talked to her about how her comment bothered me

Lovely. He pins it all on you to you, so she’ll take it all out on you and he is excused from it all. After you two discuss and agree together on what he will say to Mom, his proper wording is, “Mom, I love you but I will not allow you to talk to Nicci like that.” (preferably while he holds your hand) and then when she says “She put you up to this.” he says, “No, mom. We will not allow you to talk to us like that and we’re going to have to leave if you continue to.” and if she continues, you pick up and leave immediately saying again, “Mom, I love you. I will not allow you to talk to Nicci like that. I’ll call you in a couple days to check on you. Bye.” And you repeat this on the phone and in person every time she lodges her protests (which will only increase as she feels she is loosing her son to you–which is why it is so, so important that your fiance feel like you two are a team and that you have his desires at heart before you begin dealing with your relationship with her). She will resign herself to the fact that she cannot talk about it if he stands firm about this. Problem: your fiance doesn’t understand that this is off-limits territory for Mom. He really thinks it is her right and place. You need to pick up Toxic In-Laws and a couple counseling visits should be helpful where the counselor will be a third-person saying the same thing.

and she told him that she was just joking

Yeah right. He should have called her on it then (given that you two agreed on his calling.) "Mom, we don’t find it humerous and will not tolerate it."

and that she didn’t know that I was going to take it personally, she apologized (not directly to me though).

Of course not to you because she is interested only in her son. The apology was probably along the lines of “Well, I’m sorry she took it that way and was hurt.” meaning she isn’t sorry about what she did, but she is sorry for YOU because YOU did something wrong.

I wonder if she will finally stop making her rude comments…

Even if she does, it will not stop her tactics. You need to pick up those books and/or get in some counseling so you know the other ways these same problems will arise and how you and your fiance can work on them together to make your relationship better with each other and with her. keep in mind that Toxic In-Laws has as its point strengthening your relationship with the in-laws, not cutting them out.

The next time a religion thing comes up, I think I’m going to blow up! :mad:

Not gonna help. It doesn’t matter WHAT you do. You will only get one of two reactions: getting WORSE or spinning your wheels. You have to get your relationship with your fiance where it should be first. Please pick up His Needs, Her Needs!
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Nicci:
I’m embarrased to say, especially me being of the catholic religion but me and my fiance have 9 month old son together. I have to admit that I don’t feel fully educated about my religion. . . . Please help, how can I resolve this? Is it wrong of me to feel so offended by my finance’s mom’s words and actions?
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To answer your second question first: Yes, it is wrong to feel SO offended. That is, to respond to her behavior with feelings of resentment, anger, or displeasure. That is not edifying to her or to you.

Now to your first, and more important question. Resolution of this situation begins with your recognition of the fact that you are living in a state of grave sin. Run, don’t walk, to your nearest, capable priest for direction. As an absolute minimum, immediately forsware all physical affections toward the father of your son. (This includes the hug and kisses that some here have shamelessly advised you perform.) Next, he needs to move out. Today. Don’t put it off. No excuses. And while you are speaking with your priest, don’t forget to make a good act of contrition. At this point you will be in a position to begin to develop a God-honoring relationship, and this will be the basis of developing a rapport with your future in-laws.

May I encourage you with Deut. 31:6, “Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid.”
 
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masondoggy:
Secondly, don’t give your fiance ultimatums about converting. Even suddle ultimatums (“relationship may not work out unless…”). Learn your faith, live your faith, gently share it with him if he’s open to it, pray for him. But let HIM decide without pressure from you. Otherwise, especially with the pressure from his mom, you could end up with an atheist, religion- hating husband.
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That sounds good, but even unintended ultimatums will eventually surface.

You HAVE to let the person know what is acceptable and what isn’t. There is NOTHING wrong with letting someone know what you require in a marriage. if they take that as an ultimatum, there is NOTHING you can do about it, and you shouldn’t feel bad about it either.

In the end, choosign a lifelogn mate is about ultimatums, whether we phrase things that way or not. You wont’ tolerate your spouse cheating on you. You won’t tolerate your spouse abusing your children. Are they ultimatums???
 
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allhers:
Just wanted to say one thing, years ago someone, very rudely said those same words to my mother–“Just go pray to Mother Mary then.!” My mother said, “Oh, don’t worry, I will.” -and she did, and that person converted to the Catholic Church and later apologized.
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I know, I should have just told her that… I just didn’t want to cause any more tension between us and I figured maybe if I just ignore her she would eventually stop. Why do baptists have such a big problem with catholics praying to Mother Mary or other saints? I know baptists say that only GOD should be honored but is there more to it as to why they are soooo against it?
 
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