My mariage might not be valid. What to do now?

[bigflower]

A few things:

~ As far as I know, the porn he has engaged in is of adult females, and would be considered “soft core,” or more average acts. That’s not okay, but just to address some posters’ concerns.
~ I have seen him interact with children countless times, and I have never seen him even remotely cross any boundaries or try to be alone with them. I say with certainty that he is not a predator. However, knowing what I know now, I would never leave a child alone with anyone else from his family. Ever.
~ He says he’s not gay. This is believable to me, especially in light of the fact that his abuser and porn was female. He’s an extreme homebody, and pretty much only leaves the house to go to work. He is not engaging in activities outside the house, we spend all our free time together. Actually, I’m concerned that we’re becoming codependent, but that would take a whole other thread.
~ For the time being, I will not tell people I know about this. At this point it would be counter-productive.
~ The reason I do have hope for him and for us is because he is not a narcissist. This abuse and other things in his upbringing turned him into an extreme people-pleaser. He has such low self-esteem and is very down on himself.

Thanks again, everyone, for all of your responses. I’ll be seeing a new therapist tomorrow, and he has an appointment with his. Please keep us in your prayers, as I ask for the Grace for all of us to have clear minds.

 

[agnes_therese]

She shouldn’t feel she needs to keep secrets from her own priest, her parents, and close friends. That alone should tell her something is terribly wrong.

There’s a big difference between feeling “she needs to keep secrets,” and making her own, considered decision that now is not the time to share this information. Everything she’s said indicates to me that the latter is the case. Which is why I really think it’s time to drop the big push for divorce/annulment.

Bigflower, may God bless and guide you both.

 

[bigflower]

An update: By chance, we both had appointments with our individual counselors yesterday. When we compared notes, both of them said many similar things, even though they had not spoken to each other. This gives us both a lot of hope for our future. We still have a long way to go, but we have taken the first step in getting out of a detrimental cycle we have been in.

 

[Maria_in_Ramona]

Good for you, Big Flower! I met a woman from my parish yesterday at Bible Study who is a MFT (Marriage Family Therapist) and she is a devout Catholic. When you are ready to start therapy together, you might inquire in your area for Catholic MTFs or psychologists. I really wish you well and hope you have a wonderful life.

I have a daughter your age who has been married for almost 5 years, so in writing to you, I felt like I could be speaking to my own daughter. God Bless.