My marriage: disillusioned from day one

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Augusta, dear… 10 times? That’s all you gave it a chance? Did you drive a car expertly after the first 10 times you put the key in the ignition? Would a marksman shoot a rifle properly after 10 times? Were the first 10 dinners you prepared flawless?

You need to cut yourself some more slack.

Let me share a story about love that is very similar. Because this is a lesson you need to learn in life. You and your husband can learn it now because you will need it later.

When I delivered my first child, I was over the moon. I planned to nurse the baby, because it was best for the baby. After husband and mother had left the hospital late that night and I was alone in my room, the nurse brought in the world’s most beautiful infant. I was alone. I tried to nurse her. I thought it came naturally. After all, isn’t that what mothers and babies did since there were mothers and babies? Put baby to breast. Baby suckles. Right? I was in a foreign country, didn’t speak the language. Baby had no clue either. Just knew she needed to be suckling on something.

It was a disaster. Husband came back in the wee hours and found me sobbing in the bed holding the baby. Feeling very frustrated. What was I doing wrong? Well, baby was having none of that! She went on a hunger strike over the next few days. Then my milk came in. Oy vey!

I still cringe thinking about it. She continued her strike. But let us all know she wasn’t at all happy with her incompetent new mother. I didn’t get much sleep.

The doctor told me newborns can live 8 days with no food or water and to ignore her stubbornness. She wouldn’t die. (She hasn’t changed much, I’ll say.)

She might have been able to endure that, but I couldn’t. It was agony for me.

Ouch!

The only thing that hurt worse than nursing was not nursing.

No, we did not get it right in the first 10 tries. But I kept trying because I loved her so much and this was best for her. Eventually I figured out what I was supposed to be doing in the whole deal. I became a pro. With each succeeding child, there was a bumpy first week, as each child was different. But the choice was for me to put their needs first and endure some discomfort. Nature took over and I will say that of all the things I remember about motherhood, nursing my babies was the most joyful and rewarding thing I did.

I’m glad I didn’t give up too quickly.

Some things don’t come as naturally as we were led to believe. But they’re well worth it once we figure it out.

😉
 
I know when I was young girl of but a few months I tried to walk. I started crawling. I am sure I tried to walk many more times than ten and landed squarely on my rump. If I had not continued trying I would be in a wheelchair today. I know that this is kind of a blunt metaphor but sometimes we need to see the underlying humor before we can go back and try to walk our path again.
 
What happened (or didn’t) during the engagement or after marriage is the issue. This, too, I understand as a problem. Married sex is different than unmarried sex. Well, at least it should be. Not realizing that almost killed my second marriage as, I suspect, it does kill many marriages.

An new, properly ordered view of sex was required. One based on the desire to love. Not the “the drudgery of the obligation” as it was put.

As a convert myself I had no understanding of the “prudish” view of sex the Church had. And I was of the thinking “The Church needs to stay out of the bedroom.” I was SO wrong. The Church’s view of sex is not only beautiful, it is so in tune with what I knew in my heart was right. I’m sorry to say that it took me way too long to even want to understand it.

Understanding TOB, as I know many are tired of hearing me say, saved my marriage, and with enough grace and prayers, my soul. Another perspective that was helpful was the understanding of the hormonal aspects of sex I picked up by reading “The Drug of the New Millennium.” There is much good information out there about sex. And much more that is not so good. But the best information out there is, that after the many mistakes I have made, the Church is patient and still wants me. When I repent, I get a “do over.” And the best part is that I can get that “do over” with the love of my life.

I’m hoping Augusta Sans makes the same decision.

Augusta, did you look into the books on TOB or the audio files I pointed to in Post 53? Now TOB isn’t a cure all, but it does explain why the Church teaches what it does. Maybe you could get one of the recommended books and discuss it with your husband. If he’s like many Catholics, he knows the “what” the church teaches but not necessarily the “why.” It might be good for him, too.

Also, you have many people here that do care. Hopefully, here, you can get the friendship and pointers to assist you even after this subject is exhausted.

Peace to you and your (ex)husband!
 
Augusta, dear… 10 times? That’s all you gave it a chance? Did you drive a car expertly after the first 10 times you put the key in the ignition? Would a marksman shoot a rifle properly after 10 times? Were the first 10 dinners you prepared flawless?
Unfortunately, yes. Have you heard of “paralyzed perfectionism?” Throughout my life, several counselors have labeled me a paralyzed perfectionist, and in hindsight, that really came through in my marriage. There have not been many moments in my life where I had to take baby steps or fight through failure, so I am ill equipped to do it.

THANK YOU for the breastfeeding story. It’s a great analogy, and actually provided some practical information that I had wondered about breastfeeding. 🙂

I plan to pick up some of the recommended reading over my holiday break. Right now, I need to fight one battle at a time, and this month that battle is law school finals!
 
I just wanted to add, that I totally agree with reading or listening to theology of the body! soon to be DH and I went to a TOB seminar a month ago. It was AMAZING. Brought us so much closer, it is even harder now to abstain then before! It was after the seminar that we “made love” the way I had desrcibed in an earlier post. I really suggest reading any books by Christopher West. Hes an amazing speaker, and he’s an easy read. DH and I read “The good news about sex and marriage”. It changed our life. I hope you can find time to read it!

In Christ,
Nicole
 
I just wanted to add, that I totally agree with reading or listening to theology of the body! soon to be DH and I went to a TOB seminar a month ago. It was AMAZING. Brought us so much closer, it is even harder now to abstain then before! It was after the seminar that we “made love” the way I had desrcibed in an earlier post. I really suggest reading any books by Christopher West. Hes an amazing speaker, and he’s an easy read. DH and I read “The good news about sex and marriage”. It changed our life. I hope you can find time to read it!

In Christ,
Nicole
Your “soon to be DH” and you had sex?

Then you didn’t get the full message of TOB…that one must wait till marriage to have sex.
 
Your “soon to be DH” and you had sex?

Then you didn’t get the full message of TOB…that one must wait till marriage to have sex.
I think that she discussed this either earlier in this thread or perhaps in another thread. I get the impression they’re already aware it was a sin and are working doubly hard to remain chaste until the wedding night. I think she just shared it here to encourage me to look into TOB. 🙂
 
I think that she discussed this either earlier in this thread or perhaps in another thread. I get the impression they’re already aware it was a sin and are working doubly hard to remain chaste until the wedding night. I think she just shared it here to encourage me to look into TOB. 🙂
yes, I did discuss this earlier in the thread. We are recent converts back to the religion. we have 3 children togther and are civially married. We are being married by the church in 2 weeks. We have gone months and months without sex, had a slip up. We went to confession right away and was absolved. We pray togther aand work doubly hard not to fall into sin again. I was recommending TOB to her because it is a wonderful seminar, and the books are amazing. Also, as I described earlier, TOB made that one slip up in sex better then the dozens of times we have had sex before, converting, wihout including God.

I still DEF. reccomend TOB. So what if we slipped up once? We are human. We have been married for 3 years prior to becoming religious. The priest forgave us, so I don’t need to be judged by anyone. We did learn alot from TOB, its not very nice to assume we didnt.

Augusta Sans–thanks you for clarifying my response to the PP! 🙂
 
Augusta Sans–thanks you for clarifying my response to the PP! 🙂
No, thank YOU for being brave enough to share your recent sin publicly as a means of encouraging me to follow up on everyone’s TOB advice! This is definitely something I’m going to do (as well as Retrouville). I certainly hope we “slip up” again and again. 😉 (I am pretty sure that we are still married in the Church, despite being legally divorced, since we have not sought an annulment.)

To all: I have been sharing my “progress” with my husband. I wish you could hear the joy in his voice when I asked him to do Retrouville with me several days ago. It was like asking a 7-year-old if he’d like to go to Disney World! I am truly blessed to be so loved. 🙂
 
yes, I did discuss this earlier in the thread. We are recent converts back to the religion. we have 3 children togther and are civially married. We are being married by the church in 2 weeks. We have gone months and months without sex, had a slip up. We went to confession right away and was absolved. We pray togther aand work doubly hard not to fall into sin again. I was recommending TOB to her because it is a wonderful seminar, and the books are amazing. Also, as I described earlier, TOB made that one slip up in sex better then the dozens of times we have had sex before, converting, wihout including God.

I still DEF. reccomend TOB. So what if we slipped up once? We are human. We have been married for 3 years prior to becoming religious. The priest forgave us, so I don’t need to be judged by anyone. We did learn alot from TOB, its not very nice to assume we didnt.

Augusta Sans–thanks you for clarifying my response to the PP! 🙂
I didn’t say you didn’t learn a lot, I said you didn’t get the full message, because although its good that you’ve been trying to live it, glorifying a sin is NEVER good.

I wasn’t judging either (I never stated I knew the state of your soul).
 
For everyone recommending Theology of the Body, can you tell me which book(s) you think are most relevant to my situation? I went to the website to order one in time for my Christmas vacation reading, but wasn’t sure which one I was supposed to get! 🙂

newbetx, I’m interested in TOB, as well as the other resources you mentioned. Can you send me the ISBN or Amazon links to them? I’m going to try to find them in my local library system.
 
For everyone recommending Theology of the Body, can you tell me which book(s) you think are most relevant to my situation? I went to the website to order one in time for my Christmas vacation reading, but wasn’t sure which one I was supposed to get! 🙂

newbetx, I’m interested in TOB, as well as the other resources you mentioned. Can you send me the ISBN or Amazon links to them? I’m going to try to find them in my local library system.
Good News about sex and marriage
TOB for beginners
Holy Sex

I think you should take your spouse with you to the Tob institute for the week long class. The experience will blow your mind away. A whole new appreciation for creation, for others, living as a gift, and beholding your spouse will arise. Because that is what sex is…GIVING yourself.
 
Thank you! Here are the full titles with authors in case anyone else is reading this thread for their own benefit:
  • Holy Sex! - A Catholic Guide to Toe-Curling, Mind-Blowing, Infallible Loving Gregory K. Popcak
  • Theology of the Body for Beginners Christopher West
  • Good News About Sex and Marriage Christopher West
In other news, my husband just registered us for a Retrouvaille weekend in January. I am nervous (that I’m not “ready” to make this commitment and that I won’t be able to fully embrace the lessons we’ll be learning) and excited (that it might push us closer to making our marriage work). Please pray for us (and me especially!)
 
Thank you! Here are the full titles with authors in case anyone else is reading this thread for their own benefit:
  • Holy Sex! - A Catholic Guide to Toe-Curling, Mind-Blowing, Infallible Loving Gregory K. Popcak
  • Theology of the Body for Beginners Christopher West
  • Good News About Sex and Marriage Christopher West
In other news, my husband just registered us for a Retrouvaille weekend in January. I am nervous (that I’m not “ready” to make this commitment and that I won’t be able to fully embrace the lessons we’ll be learning) and excited (that it might push us closer to making our marriage work). Please pray for us (and me especially!)
You have the titles. I read TGNAS&M first. I tell you, it changed my life. I suggest you do a “book study” sort of thing with you husband. Both really need to be on the same page for this to work out. CW is pretty much focused on the sexual aspects of TOB. There are much deeper concepts to grasp as well. Fr. Riccardo and Fr. Alteir touch on those. There are many more good books on TOB, but to start TGNAS&M or Holy Sex might fit you better for now. I started DW off with TGNAS&M and I think she was put off by it. CW, in his audio, does come off a bit strong at times. But the books are an easy read. There are other options at Ascension Press. I’ve got other pointers as well. I love this stuff. It really helped me to understand the Church teachings. As a convert, I wasn’t “totally on board” until the logic of TOB hit home.

I"m going to look into “paralyzed perfectionist.” I hadn’t heard about it before but sounds vaguely familiar…

Retrouvaille should be a piece of cake if you two already talk (from what I hear, anyway.) Haven’t been, but would love to go. It’s not a “sharing” thing. It’s one on one with your husband, so that shouldn’t be so bad.
 
To all: I have been sharing my “progress” with my husband. I wish you could hear the joy in his voice when I asked him to do Retrouville with me several days ago. It was like asking a 7-year-old if he’d like to go to Disney World! I am truly blessed to be so loved. 🙂
I’m so happy you two decided to do Retrouvaille. I hope your relationship benefits as much as mine has with my DH. We’ll be praying for you.
 
Thank you! Here are the full titles with authors in case anyone else is reading this thread for their own benefit:
  • Holy Sex! - A Catholic Guide to Toe-Curling, Mind-Blowing, Infallible Loving Gregory K. Popcak
  • Theology of the Body for Beginners Christopher West
  • Good News About Sex and Marriage Christopher West
In other news, my husband just registered us for a Retrouvaille weekend in January. I am nervous (that I’m not “ready” to make this commitment and that I won’t be able to fully embrace the lessons we’ll be learning) and excited (that it might push us closer to making our marriage work). Please pray for us (and me especially!)
Consider you and your husband squarly the subjects of my prayers. I’m so happy to hear how this situation has developed for you!
 
Thank you for your words of encouragement and prayers! Is there anything we should do to “prepare” for the retreat? I want to make the most of it!
 
I would say just be open to the process. Don’t question the value of the activities, just participate with your whole heart and commit to the follow-up sessions. When is your Retrouvaille weekend?
 
Our weekend is January 8th. I was so happy when they released the 2009 dates because this one falls during my law school winter break. I’ll be able to go into it without stressing about academics, which was a huge relief for me.

Between now and then I have finals, then I fly out of state to spend Christmas with my family. He is joining me there for Dec 26 - Dec 31.
 
Hi Augusta,

I agree that the Retrouvaille might be a step in the right direction, but I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest you take a QUANTUM LEAP in the right direction by Consecrating your Family/marriage to the Holy Family - stop dabbling with tweezers and band-aids to fix things and instead implore the sledgehammer - the Great Healer - Jesus Christ - to remedy what ails in your marriage. He will not let you down if you just give him the chance! God wants us to be truly happy - and living his will will do just that! I’ll put a link to a free, online, and Vatican approved 40-day Consecration program at the bottom of this post. PM me if you have any questions/concerns.

Gosh, I sound like a salesman here, but really - I’m not selling anything and you don’t have to buy anything.

I only suggest this because it turned my marriage around, and bestowed (and continues to) countless blessings on my family, and restoring trust, faith, and even intimacy to points higher than we ever thought possible; and let me tell you, that was no minor feat after having 6 children ( 5 living). Kind of like you, our marriage wasn’t going the way that we had hoped/dreamed it would, leading us to despair and the brink of breaking-up. There were so many things wrong, I won’t even begin to bore you with the details here. Some friends suggested we come take a look, and after several weeks of occasionally meeting with them, we decided to go ahead and just ‘attempt’ to go thru it as suggested. It wasn’t easy (the evil one will do everything possible to try to prevent you from completing it), but somehow we managed to plow thru it. Even though our hearts weren’t completely into it, we did manage to complete it, and the Graces came to help us make it just a little easier thru each day. Things got better daily, and looking back now (5 years later) you would not recognize us as the same family as before! It is a 40-day program that you and your husband can do in about an hour a day - please do this together - it is for your family.

Here is a link, as promised: familyland.be/family_consecration/introduction-to-consecration-to-the-holy-family.html

It is so sad for me to see marriages go through troubles without having the full power of ALL the blessings of Grace that our Heavenly Father intends for each and every one of us that are married. Please take a look at this - It will change your life!

YBIC,
Gary R.
 
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